I have always panicked about my life about everything; why on earth don't I have a boyfriend yet when everybody else in my circle has one, why am I not working yet when everybody else's making money while studying, why haven't I publish my first book yet, why this, why that. I have always thought that at 18 years old, I am actually quite slow. I used to think that I'm still young and I still have a long way to go, but there are a lot of people who achieved more than I did at my age. At first, it became a motivation, after that it became a pressure. I mean, I have only six years left before I get married. Ok, hang on there, six years is a long way to go, but, I wake up and now it's August. Six years maybe like six sleeps away, and I haven't found my groom, nor the money for a grand wedding. Dramatic and lunatic, I know, but, oh my god. *sleeps anyway for the sake of killing the thoughts* *wakes up the next day and it's already next year* *hello*

Oh, I haven't been talking to all of you for quite some time now since I'm always talking to one particular person and ignoring everyone else. I'm sorry for neglecting 14 up to 60 people of you who stopped by to read my shenanigans and rants, or simply just want to kepoci around like I always do with some of you as well hehe. #kepoci4lyfe

Let's talk!

I have just finished my final examinations last Thursday and attended my first recording for a uni ad, which is actually my first job and got paid decently, no, more than enough for just talking for about 5 minutes. I suddenly feel like doing showbiz seriously now since I really love the creative industry, let's look out for more opportunities, In Shaa Allah. I'm so proud of myself I'm not going to spend my first cheque on anything, I might even frame it! I cannot express how happy I am to earn something by myself because I have never worked, well, I do, like submitting stuff and such, but I never got rewarded for it. Ah guys, I know I am overreacting but sheesh, let me have my moment pleaseeeeee.

I have an upcoming project that still needs loads of revision, but I'll tell you guys all about it later. I'm just helping with the writing....which reminds me that I need to finish it up soon but........it has been long since I don't procrastinate so...... *reaches for the pillow and sleeps*

Done with my life updates, let's get personal.

All of my friends know that I dream a lot of dreams, and some of them can be a film, some of them can be an inspiration for my stories. My dreams can go from nonsense to seriously, brutally, drop-dead real.

I have been dreaming about someone that I never met. He was never my type of man; shoulder-length hair, looks quite messy, and wears what Shawn Mendes always wears- a T-shirt underneath his unbuttoned shirt, what do you call it? Whatever. He looks like a miserable student. Nonetheless, he was a good man and likes to take me for rides and meet up with his family. I remembered in one dream, he showed me a video of him surprising me during my birthday.

I dreamed about him twice but in long intervals. I remembered that I dreamed about him again after 3 months when I forgot about him. In that dream, I was in his car and I said immediately, "Eh, bukan ke kita pernah pergi tempat ni?". Psychic, I know. I'm impressed with myself too. How can I think critically in dreams but not in real life?

To make things more complicated, I was scrolling through Instagram and found a picture of a man that I don't know. He was a student in a university close to mine, and what drawed me to look at his picture was his pose infront of the university court. Fair enough, I closed the tab and slept. However, my head started to actively think. Shoulder length hair, quite the same features.......could it be....

HIM?

I freaked out and looked at his picture again. Is it him? Is it really him? I asked around my friends if they know him. They asked me to stay away from him because apparently, he's..a James Dean in Rebels. A bad boy, as how they address it. Oh, wow. God must be having a flip in my stories. How can I fall in love with someone that doesn't cut his hair, looks messy, a bad boy some more. I always go for the good ones, although well, they break my heart but, they are good boys.

I don't know how fate is going to take a toll on me, and maybe it's not him, but let's just wait for the next episode of this Akasia drama slot of mine.

Xx,
M.

I was skipping my Spotify playlist and it came across Lauv's 'Never Not'. I decided to drop by while I still think about you, in case if you are still here, reading my feed. It must be nice, having someone to write about you and compiling all the thoughts of that person towards you for you to read until the end of a lifetime. I am not throwing shades, I'm being drop-dead serious. I have always wanted paragraphs or letters written to me or about me too, I always wanted to know how I appeal to people or make people feel or how I change his life. Wait, why am I saying all of these things to you? Yes, you pay attention to what I say. Used to, I believe.

It has been a few weeks after the confrontation, and I haven't heard from you ever since. How are you? It seems that the new place is good for you and not as scary as what it seems, right? I know that you will blend well.

I know that this is a very short post but I'm just checking in to check up on you a little while. Stay safe!

Xx,
M.

                               "Dear, I'm having a meeting on Monday. Come and join us"
I literally left the text on read and threw it to the back of my pillow. My week has been messed up and so did my brain. I didn't have the energy to even wake up. Besides, it was usual for Cikgu to take me to his meetings to come and nod when they were discussing things that I wasn't involved in. Well, I actually do eavesdrop their discussions although my eyes were stuck on the laptop/phone/book, I eventually learn something. As a person that doesn't like to be left hanging, I replied a few hours later after I felt soberer. "What is it about? It's not an order, right?"