I was reading Tujuh Tahun Tujuh Hari that I just bought from the Lejen bookstore across the street after dinner earlier in the dimlight until I received his text at around 1am.

I wonder if you still stop by here from time to time, but I would love to dedicate a song for you while it is still on my mind.

It is Take Care, You, by Dalia Farhana. A song that sings an unspoken letter from me to you.

You know, sometimes I would imagine that I am talking to you in a coffee shop, exchanging stories and laugh about our lives. I wish that we could have the moment together before we lost it all, but who are we to fight fate.

After all the turbulences, he left me. Just like the wind, no closure, no excuses. I have guessed it all along, but not really, he did reply to some of my streaks. Whatever, like it never happened to me.

I started to become more focused and give my all to everything that I do and try everything that I could under my expertise. People say that I achieved so much at this age, but I think I did so little. I am an easily bored person, hence I like new challenges and not afraid to hustle for new stuff everyday. Maybe that’s why I chose what I’ve chosen. It is not about avoiding the grief anymore, it’s about still being the best after it. I may sound like my grandmother but I’m too old to ignore my own feelings you know. The thought comes, I acknowledge that I feel it, and it will brush away by itself. All my tasks have been splendid so far, I hope yours is too.

It’s too early but I’m so sleepy. It’s true, I’m old. Ugh.

Goodnight, I miss you.

Xx,
M.

I was skipping my Spotify playlist and it came across Lauv's 'Never Not'. I decided to drop by while I still think about you, in case if you are still here, reading my feed. It must be nice, having someone to write about you and compiling all the thoughts of that person towards you for you to read until the end of a lifetime. I am not throwing shades, I'm being drop-dead serious. I have always wanted paragraphs or letters written to me or about me too, I always wanted to know how I appeal to people or make people feel or how I change his life. Wait, why am I saying all of these things to you? Yes, you pay attention to what I say. Used to, I believe.

It has been a few weeks after the confrontation, and I haven't heard from you ever since. How are you? It seems that the new place is good for you and not as scary as what it seems, right? I know that you will blend well.

I know that this is a very short post but I'm just checking in to check up on you a little while. Stay safe!

Xx,
M.

He has been contacting for awhile, trying to engage conversations. I didn't know what he wanted after six months, I had nothing left to offer. I was worn out and messed up. He kept throwing back and reminiscing about our past, and I didn't know what he was trying to say. I kept replying to his texts as usual, but not as chatty and chirpy as before, I noticed that. His presence was so sudden in my life, but he has been a crashing wave; coming and leaving without warning.

my heart shattered as

I opened my box of memories from high school-pictures, journals, gift cards, also gifts, and letters. I don't have A4 paper-ish sized journals, that is so 2013. I have them pocket-sized for me to bring it anywhere and jot down any incidents that I wanted to remember, or thoughts that I would love to recap when I'm 40, but I don't need that much time to tear up reading each page.

When I opened my journal, it was full of our moments. Our conversations during phone call sessions, quoting the things that you said and done, ranting on paper on how much I missed you-gosh, I was so immature, I'm sorry. The things you did that flattered me- wearing the red shirt that I liked you wearing it to your dinner, remembering the first day that we know each other and more. You were caught up in your studies but you were thoughtful enough to leave me with a paragraph and hinted that you missed me too. How hopeless romantic, melodramatic we were. I'm sorry, I'm going to facepalm myself now.

I took my moment granted when I was with you, and I had so much of it all over the place but thanks to the box that Elle gave me, I had a space to stuff them all up and shove it at the cupboard. We used to make plans of being travel partners and go to places that we would like to see together, and I used to think that I would end up watching football matches that I will never understand and hand you a chilled bottle of mineral water after the game. At the end of the day, who are we to fight fate, here we are, being each other's strangers again. I wish, oh, I wish, I didn't take a glance at you that night but everything must happen for a reason. Perhaps, you're another lesson, preparing myself to be a better person.

At nights like this, sometimes I still think about what went wrong, and wondering if you do too when you can't sleep. I know it is unhealthy for me, hence I hit him up, sometimes just saying goodnight when he is hooked up with friends or his games to make myself feel better. I wonder if you do that to her too, to erase our fears of this nightmare away, but sometimes I hope I have enough courage, or you have enough courage to dial and ask the major question, and whose fingers should point at who, but we both know that it doesn't work that way after high school, it never will.

God, let me tell you about God, He never lets me meet you. Do you know that I was in the same driving school as you? I've always hoped that I could see you during classes but the timing is always off that now I have obtained my license and probably you are preparing for your test, I don't know. Maybe, just maybe, God knew I wasn't ready, I can't handle another breakdown, but I would love to hear something from you, although you may not be reading this, I hope that God watches over you like He always does.

Me and my big mouth, I guess this is the end. I hope that you'll be showered with happiness with your loved ones, and hope that I too, will get the same in return, In Shaa Allah.


Xx,
M.

12:36 AM

Time check; 1.28 AM. It is waaaaay past my bedtime but I still feel the obligation to write since it has long since I had made an entry and the only way for me to talk to you.

How are you? I heard that you're at school, helping out with the orientation. I'm a few thousand feet up high, blinded by the fog, the breeze and the weather that chills up to my spine. It was cold, cool and sweet, and very nice for ootds. well, you know me. Always looking the right angle for the right photos.

I have been talking to someone. He is crazy, I tell you, but he is a nice person in general. He is the first person that I talk to when I wake up, and sometimes I am the first person that he talks to when he wakes up, but that doesn't happen on a daily occasion because he always wakes up before me although I sleep earlier than him. We talk every day, and sometimes it was very random things like the dreams we had dreamed the previous night, our everyday things although all the thing that he does is watching movies on Fox and I am always showing off what I eat. He thinks I am funny when I think I only make sarcastic remarks. We shade each other all the time but at the end of the day, he won't do the things that I don't like. For example, sending me ghost photos. He shares with me videos & tweets that he thinks that is funny just to brighten up my day when I tell him I am hungry. You may not know this but I throw a fit when I am hungry. You are in a danger zone when I am hungry, and he tries to simmer me down.

He comes to KL every weekend now since his mother is studying here for weekend classes, but I still don't have time to see him. Even so, I asked him to accompany me for dinner since I was having dinner alone at Madam Kwan's, and he stayed there with a towel on top of his head since he turned on the camera straight out from the shower. Talking to him in person is the same as talking to him in the chat window. I took him sightseeing around SkyAvenue and went to look for clothes at Uniqlo before his parents called him out for dinner. It was nice having a person that is willing to watch you eat chicken for half an hour while talking about life issues.

I think the reason why we went off was that I wasn't open about myself to you. I didn't show you the crazy side of me that comes every day, instead, I showed you the, I don't know, the feminine, trying hard to impress side of me. I know you are crazy too, but to me, you appear as a charismatic gentleman, a straight-minded man, a strong masculine. We weren't true to one another. With this guy, I am being me, the crazy, clingy, hungry me, and he celebrated it. I am sorry.

I don't know my future with this guy yet. I am not thinking much about it, I just want to see how far this can go. He has a lot of girl friends, so I am not surprised if he's being this crazy to everyone. I am now learning to live in the moment, and I am grateful for every second of it. I hope that you are enjoying the bits in life too., and I hope that you can now find a reason to smile in pictures like how I asked you to.

I'm feeling sleepy now. Goodnight, I miss you.

Xx,
M.

10 January 2017
9.43 p.m.

I always write past midnight but since nowadays my mother won't let me stay up more than twelve, so I guess I'll have to write my anecdotes early. True enough, the reason why my nights were lively were listening to your stories and hearing your laughter. All that is left are the dark sky and the stars that are shadowed by the blind curtains in my room. I better sleep that letting the flashbacks coming. Sometimes, the moon paid me a visit during night drives on the way home after a day out, chasing my car just to remind me of you. Look, the whole universe doesn't want me to forget you.

How have you been? I hope that you are always in good hands, or make sure that you are well taken care of. I hope that you are not sick, although you won't get sick for too long, and you would always laugh it off and tell me to not worry, but I still am, because you would always tell me.

                              "You, I forgot to tell you, I had fever earlier this week. 39'C"
                              "Oh my, does it exceed three days? Did you take your meds?"
                               
Or when you trip and fall during matches and receive bandages and stitches...

                               "You, I have been wearing a new pair of socks. Ankle-high"
                                   "Oh really? Are those the socks that players use?"
                                "No lah. I broke my leg"
                                     "You WHAT?!", and the conversation continues during our weekly public phone calls. That's why I hate football. It hurts you. I don't like anything that hurt you. But you always told me that sports has made you strong and endured everything.

I remembered one time when you were so happy to receive a call from me when you greeted me with a, "Hello, you!" across the line. Sometimes I called you at the wrong time, during a movie, during a football match, lagilah, you loved football more than everything in the world. You would answer my calls through it all, and said,

                                "Oh it's okay, you're not disturbing me at all. The movie's boring. I don't like watching movies at night."

                            "Don't be sorry, the match's nothing. I want to talk to you"

When you asked me why I call you out of the blue, I would answer,

                                     "Saja, nak cakap dengan you, tak boleh ke?"

It was difficult that time, it's either me standing in the cold night until morning at the public phone or you would have to dial any of my friend's phone number to call me. When I pass one of my friend's phone number, you would quickly hit them up at night at the same day to look for me.

                                    "What's up?"

                               "Saja nak cakap dengan you, tak boleh ke?"

Hey, you took my line!

It's funny to remember all these because we worked hard to stay connected to each other when we had nothing. Now, we had everything, our phones were at the tips of our fingers but I couldn't dare myself to press '1' a little longer and let it ring yours. I was brave to say that I miss you all the time before we end our calls but now I can't even type 'Hello' to you. I braced myself to walk around with a plastered smile and blushed cheeks but every night, I am frail and fragile in my own pyjamas, in hopes that you are the other side, braver than me to dial my number and tell me everything is okay and laugh as soon as I pick up.

                                    "You?"
                                    "Yes?"
                                  "I miss you"

I used to say it for fun, but now I really mean it. I miss you too much tonight.

Call me back, please?

Xx,
M.

It has been a difficult phase for me. As selfish as it sounds, please, let me talk about me without thinking about anybody else.

I had many things toppling on my head and the only thing that I wanted to do was to run at the nearest public phone and dial his number, or anyone's number, and at least, hear his brief giggle when he picks up the call. It manages to make me calm everytime. But, conceding to the painful fact that he won't be there at the end of the line, there I was, sleeping away and waking up with my parts torn apart each day. It was always the same game, he's available but i'm at school, or i'm free but he needs to attend a class next morning. He wasn't the observant man that he used to be because I was the first one to realise that-

we are drifting apart.

it was time, it was us, i don't know. i don't know how does he feels about this, or how i feel about this, i am not a mind reader. oh how i wish i can just forget all this complicated shit and go back to square one, the naiive, old me that does not the meaning of all this unbreakable threads of emotions that she has to digest and interprete. life would be easier, simpler and empty as it used to be,

but he splashed colours to the faded walls and squeezed in velvet furniture to fill in the spaces. he made the new cool in me. how am i supposed to give that all up?

I saw his efforts in making time for a conversation, but then, i also see that he couldn't let go of his dear, hurtful memories just yet. from there, i realised another important fact;
i am facing a difficult man.

Difficult is not a word can be used to summarise an adjective. It is not even an adjective that can be applied to a person. Difficult people, in my straight POV, are just confused people. They are looking for many things beneath what is in front of them; their wants and needs, their priorities, and even themselves. I am a difficult person myself, that is why i only allow a very small circle of people to study and understand me, and also the only ones that i can rely on. But, for this case of us, I have to be strong.

The triumph of handling difficult people is not measured by how much he has drastically changed after a few months meeting you and such, it is how you can keep up and help him stand when he falls down during the process. Mind you, this is not a contest. This is not a competition on how to change people.

despite all the negative feelings that i am feeling for the time being, i'm struggling to be there through thick and thin. I used to rush into things, but i will try to let him take his time. i'll vow to myself to be more tolerant and understanding. all that he needs is support, and i have promised to do so.

I'm sorry that I have to say it here because I don't know how to tell you this personally because I am never the type of person that are courageous enough to say what I want to say, but just so you know that I'll always be there for you. All the time.

                           " Who am I to you?", he asked because I let him ask me a question before I sleep.

                     " Can I ask you back?", I answered reluctantly. Of course, I was shy.

                             " No, you can't", he said cheekily.

                         I took a deep breath and typed on the keyboard,

                                  " My favourite person. I hope you now understand why I am irrationally jealous sometimes".

                         " Don't be like this, Maleen, it was just Sharifah Rose!", he jokingly laughed, which made me laugh as well.

                              "Well, she's not the only one. What about the comment at Farah Ann's picture? Justify yourself, mister!" , I joked as well, trying to ease the line that slowly becomes intense. " What about me? Who am I to you?"

                         "More to my best motivator?", he said reluctantly. From there, I know what was in front of me. Still, I tried my best to crack up some lame jokes. " Hey, be certain. What's with the question mark?"

                                      "I'm sorry, Maleen."

                   This was it. This was it. This was the moment that I feared of my whole life. I had told people that I would be brave, I would not break down. I would not be furious, I would not be enraged, I would not be crazy because of it.

                             " I know that this will hurt you, but I am not ready yet. I can't even understand myself. Sometimes I was like this, sometimes I was like that, I don't know. I have to admit that the old scars are still bleeding. I think that not being committed to any relationships are the best for now since I don't  know what the future holds for me later on. For now, I just want to be friends with everybody and make everyone happy"

                   I reminded myself many times that it was never his fault upon reading his response. He was just as confused as I am. He was hurt as I am. He was stuck in the middle. Sometimes, my wild thoughts questioned his actions. Did he do that out of courtesy or he did care about me? Worse, did he actually feel sorry for me, so that was why he kept the conversations going? I don't know.

            I don't want to lose him. I don't want to lose his wishes. I don't want to lose the privilege to listen to his infectious giggle at the beginning of every conversation. I don't want to lose the person that will be very observant and realise any slight changes of me. I don't want to lose the person that always advises me towards the better. I don't want to lose the person that will always remind me to put my parents first, to put God first above everything. I don't want to lose the person that will share with me some good new music that is playing around the Internet. I don't want to lose the person that I can randomly talk about everything in the world without feeling awkward. Above all, I don't want to lose him.

                             Hence, I lowered down my pride and asked him to stay.

                                " Sure, Maleen. I want you to be by my side to go through this all too"

                          Somehow, when he said that, I felt that I had already lost a part of him.

     Going back to college tomorrow, boy, I don't know how to face this. Why did this ground has to be the place where I first laid my eyes on him? Why did this place has to bring so many memories that I have to cope with for the next two months until I am gone for good? I have to live with the things that he said when I pass through landmarks at college. But, that are the only things that I have left of us, isn't it? I should cherish them, right?

    All in all, for now, I am letting time decide. I am letting destiny takes its pace at the right place. Who knows, maybe, he is the right person at the wrong time and will be right at the right time? Or maybe, he is a phase that I have to go through before meeting the right person that will be waiting at the end of the lane? There are so many consequences, I don't know. But, I believe that God didn't give me those instincts that led me to him for nothing. Whatever the reason may be, let it unfold itself.  I have never been grateful that I met him.

    I will be away for the next two months, and he will go on with his battle as well. I will miss him, I always will. Maybe, this distance will do us good. It always will.

" Why haven't you update your blog?", he asked during last Saturday's phone call, it was a very long one, more than an hour, and it was a real call. I don't know how much he was charged for that. I give his effort an A+, calling back after numerous times the line was disrupted.

"Really? I thought I just uploaded a poem", I uploaded one that evening before dinner, an old one from a precious file in my laptop. I don't know what does he mean by that actually. Like, man, it was only five hours ago. He said it like I haven't been blogging for years.

"It was two weeks ago", he reminded me.
Two weeks? Wait, wait a minute...

"Oh, is it? It was 'Near To 60' right?" , Ah, I get it. He was actually asking on why I didn't blog about him. First, it was the fuss of trials that couldn't give me the time to rush to the next block for any Internet connection. Second, we have been talking almost everyday about our papers, so I am afraid if it will appeal to him as too clingy ( well, I actually am now but-just because...just because.) but it doesn't change the fact that I miss him and our long conversations past midnight where we can freely talk about everything.

" Yeah. And what does that 60 mean?", this curious guy. He knows all metaphors underneath my titles.

"I don't know. Guess.", I said cheekily, trying to drag him around. Let's see how fast a guy thinks. They say that guys never know what girls mean when they say things, so let this be my experiment.

"60 days of us knowing each other?"

Oh. My. Boat. Noodle. Chicken. Wings. He striked it again. He, striked me again. He has never failed to make me feel amused. He knows what is going on in my mind everytime. I think that I am the most observant person in the world but after I met him, hands down. The king of precision has arrived.

" What day is it now?"

"I don't know, I just roughly count" The only way I counted the days is when the calendar says 28, I should call it a month. A month has approximately 30 days. We started talking at May. Wait, whoa, what? June, July, August...it isn't two months! It has been three months since we know each other! Three freaking months already?! Time escalates super fast these days, but I'm up for the ride with this one everytime. So come three, thirty, three hundred, and even three thousand months, I'll still be here like Day 1.

" You haven't answered me", he emphasized.


"Well, we talk everyday, right? You can just DM me and you know that, don't you?"

"It was different"

I was drop dead.
                         

"I saw your latest Tweet"
Now, he totally gave me goosebumps on that one.

"About what? You know that I like to randomly rant on Twitter",

"Well, about the question thing."

"Oh", I knew what I tweeted. Yes, I was indirecting it to him because I know he won't let it slip away. Yes, he realized that Tweet. Now, I was left speechless. I am so confusing. I want him to know things but I always procastinate on doing that. The desicions are like plucking petals of a flower, 'Tell him, not tell him. Tell him, not tell him', aish, this game won't end seriously.

"What do you want to ask?"
A lot actually. One, why did he change his Instagram profile picture? I loved the previous one in the black shirt at his school compound, or the one when he wore a red shirt during Eid because that colour suits him. Two, number two is..

"Maybe not now"

"Okay."

Maybe not now, maybe later is not a good idea either. I have been asking this grand question to myself all the time, thinking if it is worth it to gamble on this charade. I don't want to shatter us down. Don't make me choose between his infectious laugh over anything, you'll lose horribly.

At the end of the conversation,
"Will you please be a gentleman?", I said sheepishly.

"What do you mean by that?"

"If you miss me, just say that you miss me. You don't have to ask me to call and whatnot", I added with a laugh.

"No, I don't, I'm cool here. Besides, you didn't call me last week", he said, keeping his cool shades emoji on.

"Hah, who's talking about calling here? Ish, just say that you miss me lah"

"Eh...um...dah lah, no comment!"

Such a qt.

I beg your pardon to not mention this  but

      " Leen, you should only call him for maximum, 2 times. If he didn't answer then just let it be", Ell said sternly after I came back from the payphone. She dozed off last night so she didn't know what only God knows how many times I did nothing but dialling his phone number again and again after 2 hours of strictly Biology. I didn't mind dialling that much because the payphone didn't take up my money, and all it said was, "Sila Dail". Piya was the one who got lucky, she managed to get Aqil on the line only with one try. Here I was, switching my position to a thirdwheeler.

     I swore to myself that I will only try thrice at the afternoon, and if he didn't pick up, then I'll have to let it be. Maybe he was busy. It was incomplete for me to not bid him goodbye before he enters school again. Routines, I must say.

    I was about to give up when I heard "Hello?", on the other side.

                    " Do you have any missed calls on your phone? I tried calling you and I was expecting to hear a voicemail if you don't answer, but the payphone asked me to dial again"

                    " Yup, 11 actually."

   My jaw dropped instantly. Since when did I dialled so many times? And how did it get to the extend of...11 trials?! I am glad that he didn't have to see me jumping up and down with my baju kelawar because I was so embarassed. Man, what?! I couldn't even believe myself. Maleen, where the hell is your pride and integrity? Just wait when Ell knows about this, I will definitely get a two-hour lecture on 'Why Do You Have To Be So Stupid?"

Let me give you a quick trivia. Maleen Balqish is a person that will go the extra mile when you have succeeded to reserve a room in her heart. She devotes herself to them; her family, her best friends, the people that she choose to be around her and her passion,  and she will do anything to make sure that their wellbeing is wholly happy and healthy, with and without her presence. Sometimes, she overdoes them, like calling a person 11 times, but she just wants to check up on you and make sure that you're okay, and aware that she is always there to be with you through thick and thin.

She can be very matured at solving other people's problems or answering Pendidikan Agama Islam's KBAT questions, but she too, realized that she is so innocent when it comes to dealing with her own emotions. She has nothing to give you, and nothing against you, except for the great affection that she developes for you. Break her, tear her, drown her, she has been through that so many times. But, she never gets it why she has the courage to stand up, forgive you and start the process all over again. I know what people will label her. Naive. Push her around and toy her all you want, because she only knows that life is a pure, empty canvas although you have splattered it with red marks.

I don't know how many times do I have to repeat this phase but she can be very attached to you. Yes, it's true, she does keeps all her feelings to herself and expects you to know by your own, but she is never afraid to show that she cares. She is never afraid of making the first move, asking about your whereabouts, how are you feeling, what are your likes and dislikes, and certainly remember them in order to make you comfortable with her. And... call you 11 times just to bid you goodbye until she gets to talk to you again. I warn you, break it out to her, leave quick and run as fast as you can if you don't like being bothered that way, because being mistaken as annoying is the last thing that she wants to be known for.

 Back to the conversation, he talked to me as usual and laughed a lot along the way, maybe he was just like me, clueless of things to say. When it's time to end the call for the last time, we exchanged wishes.

                                    " Take care", I said.

                        " You too. Drink a lot of water please, and study hard, okay?"

                                    " I'll study hard, promise"

                      There was a gap of silence until I said,

                                        " Miss you"

                                        "Hm, okay"

I feel like banging my head on the wall at that moment. Head Maleen was yelling angrily at me saying, "What the hell did you just said?!" while Heart Maleen encountered the situation and confronted Head Maleen while hugging me, " Isn't it usual for her to say that? She said it on texts".

Head Maleen then reached a rifle beside her and targeted Heart Maleen's head, " Don't you know that saying it live is a huge mistake?! He may just answered 'Me too' with a frowning emoji on texts because he just wants to please you and not hurt your feelings. Worse, he doesn't even mean it! Don't you remember what Addie told you? Differentiate kind gestures from signs! Ah, why do I have to deal with someone so naive?!"

And there they are, Head Maleen and Heart Maleen starting World War III in my system, leaving me as the middle man, more confused than ever.

Ah! Why is it so hard to be naive!

He's finally home for the weekend, and how i missed him so! *virtualhugs* *buthalalgap* *sepwilldo*

"James huh?", he asked with a quirky laugh. He approved of the name and he googled James Dean because he never heard of him. To him, James Dean was so-so. He was like that too, so-so to people but he swoons them over their feet.
What on earth did I get myself into.

We exchanged updates on the first two weeks of school, and it was hell for both of us. He said he feels unwell. The maximum number of days he will be sick is 3 days. He said to not worry as his fever is usually not that bad and he can still have the energy to study. Eh hello, how I am supposed to not feel worried? Even not hearing from him makes my heart feel uneased.

He read everything here, and I managed to say sorry for not opening up to him. Yes, he let me walk away, uncharged. Hehe.

I lied on my bed last night after the quick conversation, feeling calm than ever. I feel that a burden had been lifted from my chest, and dozed off with a smile. I want to make the most out of these two days to spend more time with him before we have to separate ways again for weeks. He told me to hold on. "Continue studying and you'll be out of this in no time. What's glory without sacrifices, kan?" , he comforted me when I whined on how I cannot go home for almost two months until Eid Ul Adha. A baby, I am.

               "Yes, success requires commitments!" , I shouted at the payphone, feeling motivated. He is everything now. My happy pill, my booster. Let's just hope that he won't be a heartbreaker.

Cheers to #2, #5 to go!

In the midst of hardwork, dramas, patching memories with friends and missing him, the stars still align to bring me peace.