I have been watching and reading scary stuff on the Internet about how things will get worse after the RMO. I have been reading theories on how the pandemic is related to doomsday events and how the end is near. I guess that I am paranoid and easily anxious. Ah, this RMO is killing me on the inside as I cannot distract myself from the overwhelming feelings. I overthink a lot. Like, a LOT lot. 

" I feel like my past is haunting me", I sighed as Amir settled down and lied down on his black leather sofa.

"Why, baby?", he adjusted himself and looked at me attentively. I know that he would have reached my hand if only his arms could travel across phone screens.

I looked down to the floor. I have never felt that, after a year plus of being together, after countless times running and crying into his arms...that it will be hard to tear down the last barrier of your memories that you have kept safe from people for so long to someone, even though that someone means a hell lot to you now. You will always think that he will think badly about you, because he has never met you in such a terrible condition, he has never seen you in such a dim light inside a dark room that you lived in for years before you meet him. You don't know if he will understand, I don't know if Amir would understand.

"You know baby, I remember this one time when I entered an international English test when I was around 13-14 years old. I got highest distinction. Can you imagine?

So, all students that have achieved good results for the test are called up on stage to receive the certification from the principal. When my name was called, I was so happy to get up on stage, but I heard mumbles and whispers at my back as I was walking and I could hear very clearly when someone said,

"Isn't she the one that attempted suicide?"

I was crushed by that phrase. I tried to hustle as much as I can so that people would see me as just, me, but that whisper will always echo in my head. From 13 to 14, to 15, to 17 years old, or now even.  It is as if no matter how much that I have achieved, I will never be more than a kid that attempted suicide."

"Baby, look where you are at now", Amir finally spoke after listening to my kind of traumatic experience, finally opening the door to the dark room at the back of my head after so long. "You stood tall from that downfall and you achieved everything that you wanted."

I was anxious. "H-how do you, make peace with your past?"

Amir simply answered briefly. "I moved on, because the people that I may share that past with have moved on long before me."

I have to admit, it was not the answer that I wanted. I wish it was more poetic, it was more convincing. but, that is Amir. 100% frank, blunt, and honest. I guess, that was the answer that I needed.

"Do you... think ill about me?", I asked him, feeling embarrassed of stripping off the last part of my past to him.

"No, sayang. Never.", He looked at me compassionately. That was enough. That gave me enough strength to embark on this super hard journey but I know that I can pass through this, just like the obstacles that I have been through before.

Ah, I wish I can hug him right now. #MCODay10.

Amir took me out for a birthday dinner at Chili's, my favourite Mexican/Western restaurant. It has been months since I have been there, probably the last time would be the end of last year. I was surprised to see the restaurant interior lighted up instead of having dim lights, enough for the cosy vibe.

I have always adored that place. The environment is comfortable and chill for an eat out and the prices of the food are relatively lower than other Western restaurant joints that I have been to such as Tony Roma's and TGI Fridays. My favourite pick will always be the Crispy Honey Chipotle Chicken Crispers. Frustrated to not find coleslaw as one of the sides on the menu, I substituted the corn on the cob with onion rings, hoping to make a healthier choice, but the onion rings came fatly battered. So much for a balanced meal, huh.

After the meal, we planned to drive up to Bukit Ampang. I remembered Bukit Ampang being one of the starter topics when we first talked to each other since I just came back from there when he first slided into my DMs. As we were on the drive, listening to Hollaback Girls from Gwen Stefani, Amir pointed out to the sky.

"How was class baby?" Amir texted me as soon as I finished all my classes for the day. I was stretching my body on a counter chair at Starbucks and keeping myself awake since I want to finish my in-class assignments for Online Journalism while waiting for the traffic jam to die down.

"It was fine sayang", I answered briefly. There was nothing much that happened during the day other than having two lectures and two in-class assignments. The mediocre Communication student life I would say; writing and brainstorming all day long. Nothing interesting for me to tell him. He was my senior anyway, he had been through this too.

My phone beeped again. Expecting an "Okayyy" or shifting the conversation to a new topic, Amir said,

"Fine je babyyyy?"

Oh wow, this is new to me. I would not say that guys hate to listen to our rants but most of the time they are forced to listen. This is the first time that I was asked to elaborate more about my day although it's plain and unseasoned. I continued to talk about the in-class assignments that I had and my attempt on completing it before we go for dinner together. It speaks a lot on how he genuinely cares about my wellbeing in general and makes me feel loved.

We always overlook on the importance of asking people how their day went and just let them talk about it. It may look simple because we usually use it for conversation starters all the time but it does help a lot especially to check on our loved ones. It helps to uplift their spirits after going through the same thing over and over again every single day, and calm them down and give them an outlet to vent when they are having a rough one. The key point here is to just listen with empathy and compassion.

This act of Amir may look small, but I am definitely taking note and giving him credit on how he always reminds me of the values in life that I may overlook on how big the role is in our lives. I am happy that I have a partner that would always let me talk, and I hope that the ample space given by him will not make me selfish to also give him an outlet to speak up too.

So, how are you? Let's talk!

Xx,
M.

Despite being controversial as a person, I still binge to Melanie Martinez's Crybaby album because it relates to me in so many levels. I'm not supporting her but good songs are good songs and good art should be celebrated. I'm just doing it some justice. 

I was reading Tujuh Tahun Tujuh Hari that I just bought from the Lejen bookstore across the street after dinner earlier in the dimlight until I received his text at around 1am.

I just wished Amir goodnight before writing this. It is a rare occasion for him to sign off before me, but there are days when we are extra tired than usual, and he will be working tomorrow anyways. No matter how late he sleeps, he will always be the first to wake me up.

It has been a month after my last post and I have always missed this space. I wanted to deliver good, read-worthy content to all of you so that you can learn a thing or two from me and count it as a form of sedekah as I share good teachings and examples. Then again, I realise that the biggest lessons that we will learn are always fresh from the streets and experiences, so I hope that all of you can learn from my experiences as much as I do too.

About a fortnight ago, I was having dinner with Amir. It has been a habit for the both of us to talk about a lot of things and I like to listen to his thoughts since he lives in a different environment and circle that I am, so I get to see his views in a different dimension. I couldn't remember the start of the whole conversation, but I remember asking him, "What do you think about beggars around KL?"

"My mom always say that you have to be sincere yourself to give before questioning their sincerity to receive. Speaking about that, I remembered one time, a beggar came up to me selling tissues. I gave him RM1, but soon after, the beggar threw the RM1 away right in front of my eyes as if the RM1 didn't mean anything to him at all. "

I gasped. I didn't know beggars can be that cocky.

He continued, "I know that RM1 couldn't cover the cost of him buying the tissues, but imagine this, one decent meal at KL may cost RM5. If everyone gives him RM1, he just needs to sell 5 tissues. Still, it's something. However, seeing that does make me lose my faith towards humanity though".

The value of money always beats kindness and sincerity, but I didn't know that it has come to that extent where we don't value the gift of people. What if the RM1 is all that Amir got at that time and he decided to give it all to the beggar instead so that he could spare some cash for food? Sincerity is someone's right for him to keep it all between himself and God, but we have failed to appreciate the rezeki that He has given us. A person could be short of that RM1 to buy milk for his child, and he had no other choice but to put it back at the rack at the exact same time he threw the RM1 to the ground.

"And which blessings of Him that you deny?",  as Allah repeatedly remind us in Surah Ar-Rahman.

As a giver, however, we should not stop giving. My teacher always remind me many times that there is someone else's rezeki is ours, hence we should not hesitate to give their rights. No matter whatever their intention is when they receive our gifts, but our intentions must be sincere, Lillahitaala at the first place, and hoping that God will replace it with more rezeki, in any form. A good health is rezeki, a supportive family is rezeki, a good circle of friends is rezeki, a loving partner is rezeki, good grades is rezeki, the ability for you to have a roof on your head and eat for the day is rezeki, the skills that you are gifted with is rezeki, the happiness that you feel is rezeki, the peace that you enjoy is also rezeki. Everything that happens around you and whatever you get is always, always a rezeki and blessings from God. You may be tested sometimes, but even with the tests comes with rezeki in forms of options and solutions to help you go through the problems that you may face.

"You know, I had restored my faith in humanity when I met you", Amir said during one of our conversations.

I hope that I am a form of rezeki and blessing to him too (I bully him a lot).

Xx,
M.

I always celebrate New Years' Eve quietly. I would just spend my day at home, do a quiet reflection of the whole year, write some wishes for my closed ones, and sleep in, knowing to wake up in the following year. New Years' Eve is a significant event for me, but I don't do grand celebrations or late night parties. In fact, I don't have a New Years' resolutions since forever because I know that I would not achieve my goals if I organize and write them down. I had a lot of 2018, which is the reason why I was not spirited to write long essays to every single person that I know. Yes, it is bad and unfair because I do receive some of them, I'm sorry, so I wrote an open letter to everyone instead. I won some and lost some, kept some and let go of some people, lost and found love, and a lot more. There is one concrete lesson from this year that I would definitely bring onto the following journey of my life; I don't need validation from anyone to do anything. It is more to enough to follow my instincts and know that it is right for me and will make me happy, and receive support from my closed ones, then I'm good to go. 

I remembered when I walked into Starbucks with Tassia from the toilet. I saw you looking at me for a good moment while I greet the others at the table, avoiding eye contact. It has been the first time that you looked at me that long since we separated. I don't know why you kept on looking at me, is it because I was so casual with a plain flowy pink blouse and a pair of jogger jeans, not putting much effort on my outfit or is it something else? I don't understand what was going on in your mind, nor the meaning behind your gaze. It was the last paper for our final exams, and you didn't even wait for me in front of the hall. You were the first one to leave the hall, and you didn't even say goodbye before you left for home.

I have always said to myself that I had time to fix and change things before the year ends, but I guess my time is up. I have always think whether it is worth it or not to be the braver one who wanted to fix it although I am no handy man. I am a real life Wreck-It-Ralph, but even Ralph had the compassion to help his friend fix her broken arcade game.

"It depends on how you much you wanted to protect yourself, Leen", that was what Elle said to me when we were stuck in the car while the rain was pouring down the city two nights before. I would be more dissapointed if I were to know that my actions do not change anything rather than feeling the regret of not saying anything at all, because at the end of the day, I did not say anything anyways.

If the long glance that day was meant to be the last before he finally lets go of me, then I think I should take that as a silent closure.

I would save him over and over again,
but this time,
I chose to save myself.

There has been an empty void in my heart, and it means no good. I hate it when I feel empty. If I am sad, even for days, I am more comfortable knowing that I am living, breathing, and are able to feel emotions, but this? I am not sad nor happy, it is...empty and I don't know what to fill it with. It has gone to the extent where I am speechless when I meet God as I hold my hands to pray on the praying mat. I would usually have something to talk about, but I blankly looked down. I have many thoughts running through my head, but flashbacks suddenly are just....a replay of an incident, like a boring movie that you are uninterested of and you ended up sleeping at the cinema. If someone were to ever ask you about your review about it, you would just say, "oh, don't watch it". No emotions attached, no descriptions needed. Wait, every action needs an emotion, a trigger to respond. Oh, this is so much complicated and worse that I thought.

I waved back at my dad from the door as he reserved his car and leave my household. I thought that he would take me out for dinner, but he hastily started his engine and asked me to open the gate. As his car went out of sight, I pulled the door with one hand and locked it with a heavy feeling.

"Haih, kena tinggal lagi".

I used to climb back up to my room as soon as the lights at the living room were switched off, but I became comfortable with the dimness and sat at the edge of the stairs. The heavy feeling was unbearable and cannot be described. I couldn't cry, which means I wasn't actually sad. It was more of an empty and hollow feeling that I couldn't contain.

A lot of the people that I love had left me. The painful part of it is- they are alive and breathing, they can physically be right infront of me, or at any parts of the world, but they are no longer with me. Their connection with me are long gone.

The first, significant loss of mine is the first person that I mentioned at the beginning of my story- my dad. All my life, I personally felt that my mom was the only one contributed in my developments. He was present, alive and breathing, but he is no longer with us as a family. That was what I felt about it. That was why I tried to find the leading man trait and the father figure somewhere else- in my friend's fathers, their older brothers, and significant others. I never felt the sense of security, care and protection from a man, and a father should be his daughter's first love, but I guess that wasn't mine.

I am not making excuses for myself, but I think that is why I have a very different character with my significant other or my remaining loved ones. I may appeal as an independent woman when you start knowing me, but as we click and have a strong relationship with each other, I will switch my personality to be dependent and clingy. I am insecure as well. I have a tendency to question back my significant other everytime he says "I love you", and I can actually overthink when he doesn't say it throughout the day. I am so afraid if he suddenly find a reason to stop loving me and just leave like everybody else. I don't know if this is considered psychotic to some people, but I am telling you straight up that this is what you will deal with me, and on this blank space, I am the most honest.

This level of insecurity may be extreme that I, myself can't find ways to handle it, but I have read this one quote before on Instagram, saying that you will someday find a love that you don't even need to question about. Whenever I meet someone, I always pray that God will let me keep that person in my life. I really hope that day will come soon.

It was 5.45pm, and the traffic is slowly moving, slower than a tortoise. Well, the tortoise did won the running competition with the hare after all, and I was sure that I would finally make a turn before the Sunway toll, just not sure when. Most of the songs on shuffle were R&B and EDM, but it couldn't entertain me. I just wanted to go home and have a warm bath in this drizzling, rainy weather. I kept turning the air conditioner on and off. I guess my body is as confused as my mind too.

My eyes were wandering around the surroundings until my phone stand caught my eye. I rarely use my phone stand because my phone will always topple a few seconds after I put on it. The funny thing about the phone stand was, it comes with a picture of a young, blonde Caucasian woman posing with her black shades.

"Eh, gambar siapa tu?", Tassia pointed her finger towards the phone stand.

"Taktahulah, it comes with the phone stand, I don't know how to take it off", I replied from the front seat while adjusting the air-conditioner. 

"La, I thought it was some celebrity ke apa. Come, let me cabut this for you". Dan took off the case and took out the picture from the phone stand and slide the case back on. He slipped the picture at the holder of the driver's seat.

My fingers started to roam around the holder at the driver's seat to look for the picture amongst the sea of Touch n Go receipts, but failed.

I have always been dependent on Dan. He will drive for me when he's around and walks me to the carpark. Sometimes, he didn't walk me to my car but he would make sure that he gave me a goodbye hug and watch me walk first before he goes up to his room. He completes me more than I complete him, because he has the traits that I have and beyond. I know that I scare him sometimes when I drive so whenever we're together, he would never dare to close his eyes.

"Dah bukak lampu belum?"

"The steering wheel macam beratlah. I'll check for you later"

Basically, Dan did all the men's (and all the things a woman should know too) job for me. That is how I show my affection with a person, by being dependent. I know that I have the utmost capability to do almost everything myself, but the feeling of being taken care of is a good feeling too, you know.

I may have not done much for him, but I would always pay attention to his daily wellbeing. He falls sick easily and tends to get overhyped, especially when playing basketball. I would always ask if he has eaten, or how many hours did he spend to play just to make sure that he didn't tire himself out. I may not ask him every single day, but I would always listen to his remarks when he talks to our friends or anything. I would always tell him to eat, and he would think that I am ridiculous and say, "Of course lah I eat". That is the least that I can do to repay his kindness. Not to mention that he would always defend and protect me on campus too. Whoever that has done something wrong to me will definitely get it, and no one has gotten it so far, but don't try. Just don't.

The moving car stops me from keep walking down the memory lane. I hit the pedal and moved forward. I should do that with life too, keep on moving forward despite the people that I have loved and lost, but I have heard of second chances, is it possible if I were to take a step back, correct my mistakes, and leap three steps forward instead? Is it possible if I were to take a step back and take Dan with me to walk along the pathway? Is it possible if I keep on walking and Dan taps me from behind while panting to chase me and walk with me?

I turned off the engine as I parked the car at the right corner of the porch. I arranged all my stuff to be carried out. My eyes passed through the phone stand again as I opened the door. I stopped for a good few seconds and walked out.

I miss you, Dan.

I personally think that everyone does not get my feelings, or I am the one who is communication disabled because I cannot say it properly eye-to-eye. I am so bad at expressing my emotions physically, hence this blog. The readers here are definitely humans (unless some of you train your cats how to read), but I believe that people do transform themselves when they read instead of listening; when they listen, they become someone else overseeing the situation as how they will see it, but when they read, they will read it as you. They will eventually feel the same way too. 

I opened the curtain as wide as I could. The skyscrapers in Johor are like mushrooms- one tower after another, but it has never managed to block the view of the port from my room at the 23rd floor. Oh, no wonder I can see the whole city from here. Getting into the lift to go up seems like a trip to the observer deck at KL Tower, my ears will whistle. It doesn't hurt but I feel so uncomfortable I keep swallowing my saliva continously during the trip to and fro from the lobby to my room. I learnt that trick from a staff at the KL Tower during a primary school trip. Thank you sir, your help is appreciated.

At 11:42pm, I barely see any cars at the port car park. The streets are not busy, but you can still see lines of cars driving in and out of the city. At this age, every place is a Kuala Lumpur. The Earth never sleeps anymore. There will always be people chasing and at least waiting around things, or other people at any hour. However, it has its own welcoming sense that wraps me around its thin air and then sweeps me into the wind. I have always been biased towards cities that are near to the sea, that may be one of its calling, but one thing that I can tell you, the greetings between each city is different. Kuala Terengganu will greet you like a warm elderly; offering you to make yourself at home and stuff you with your favourite food. Well, literally. Hong Kong treats you like a sister that visits her elder sister that lives in the city; one that gives you freedom as she leaves for work. Johor Bahru is absolutely different. It is like a timeless lover that always makes you feel comfortable and scoops off all your burdens at once and helps you to breathe again. You feel calm in his arms and he will make your bed to make sure that you have a goodnight sleep. Eventhough he has lit up the aromatherapy candles, you can't afford to spare a second of closing your eyes from mesmerizing his beauty, his efforts, all about him. Just like how I always leave the curtains open all day and night when my mom's not around since she prefers her privacy, but I prefer his sparkling eyes; the city lights and his simultaneous breathe, like the motions of the sea.

I fall in love so easily. I fall in love with things, places, people. It is not hard to please me, it is just that if you can't, you won't at all. I wonder why, but I think that it is just in my nature, how I was built to have a more emotional-deprived way of thinking. Being emotional deprived is good, it helps me a lot in bringing most of my words and characters to life, but in terms of making life-and-death decisions, dude, I'm a slow sloth and will tend to be more dramatic. That explains why I always make bad decisions in life, but maybe I am lucky that God will always find a way to make it just as right.

I have always thought of settling down in a city near the sea, nevertheless if it's the beach or the port, I can consider Johor Bahru into the list now. It is completely equipped with all the stores that you have in Kuala Lumpur, there is no reason for me to go back to the city anymore. There is a 4Fingers store in Komtar JBCC, like, I don't have any reason to not stay here. Singapore is near too, might be nearer if the currency is lower. Sike.

This is my last night for this Johor Bahru trip, I hope that I can meet with this South-born lover of mine soon!

Xx,
M.

Dreams, Dreams
Oh, when we are just starting things
Dreams, dreams
Of me and you

I can't remember of the title but I am sure that Lily Allen sang this, and I'm praying that the lyrics are right because the verse struck my head while I am writing this.

Dreams are subjective. Some of us regard us as a night's play and it will be gone as soon as we wake up from our long slumber. Some of us define dreams as our missions and ambitions. I believe in both, because I believe that some of my dreams are more than a night's play. Some of them are repetitive and occur in sagas, and I will search for the meaning of my dreams from different cultural perspectives to capture the message. Ask my friends, they will know how dramatic and surreal my dreams are. Sometimes, I could feel the person's fingertips when tapping me in my dream even after I wake up.

Now, enough of my midnight dreams. Let's move on to the second context of dreams- goals, missions, and ambitions.

My dream is simple. I only dream to settle down in a comfortable state while doing things that I love most- writing and reporting on camera. Oh, not to mention about having a house in a harbour city/ near the beach. The feeling when you look straight at the deep blue sea as you wake up- bliss. My dream seem to be mediocre but you do know how settling down and being comfortable is hard nowadays. Alhamdulillah, I always have a way to get what I want and sometimes I don't know how, but I am lucky. Nonetheless, I do get a fair share of not getting some of my wants, but God always provides me with everything that I need. The people around me is so supportive of my dreams although sometimes it is not the same as their hopes for me, but some of them will always put me first and hope for the best.

Someone told me to not only dream for me, but for other people as well. We need to do things that will benefit not only us but the society as a whole. It aligns with God's purpose of sending us into this world as a khalifah. I understand that, but sometimes I feel that he is using it against me. He uses it to belittle my dream and pushes me to make his dreams come true by asking me to help him in his work. I never mind helping him because I remember the people in my life and their contributions, but I really hate it when I feel some type of way.....the feeling of being used? I don't know.

There are so many questions in my mind regarding this, like, is it wrong if our dreams contradict with each other? I understand his intentions to only provide the best for me and my future, but it goes to the extent that he starts to blame me if something goes wrong, the reason why his dreams are crushed. I can't have a sentimental value in the work that I do because the ideas are all his and my heart isn't there. Instead, my heart is here, writing a blog post for a bunch of friends to read and maybe share the same opinion as mine. I am not in my comfort zone, but this is what I do best. Flowing all my thoughts on an empty, white computer screen.

I felt so lightweight after pouring all my thoughts out. I may not able to get the answer forever but this blog has always been my space and serenity. Thank you for being here too, listening to all my rants and thoughts since forever. Thank you for your support towards this drama queen.

Whatever it is, please don't give up on your dreams. Promise me that, okay?

Xx,
M.

My guts are right.
It's always right.

Dissapointment after dissapointment has shattered my self-esteem and heighten my doubts. The question, "where did I go wrong?" has been orbiting and muddling up my mind, finding relevant answers on the failures of my relationships with people. My friends always tell me, "It's not you, it's him". Is it still 'him' after failing twice, and 'him' are now a reference of two different people?

I can't help blaming myself, maybe I wasn't paying attention when he did. I was too caught up reminiscing my past love while he was trying to build memories with me. I always find sights of the someone else inside him; his words and his actions. He tried, maybe he tried, but when it came to my realisation, when I stepped in the battle with him, he felt defeated and gave up.

He started to leave after our biggest fight, and believe me, I never stop fighting for him. I felt that he didn't too, I acknowledged his effort of rekindling our relationship as two people that has shared a portion of our lives together.

                         "Will there be a day that I will not receive a goodnight wish from you?"

                                 "As long as I remember you, I won't stop doing that."

He became very distant ever since we parted ways. It's a part of our responsibilities, we have dreams to catch. Me being on camera, him and his white labcoat. He rarely wishes me anymore, but eventually he will in a week or two. He rarely replies to my chats anymore, he said that he was busy. I convinced myself that I shouldn't overthink and become more understanding of his situation. I give him the time that he needs, long enough for him to find a new spark.

I have expected this plot twist to happen that it becomes so mediocre. She is physically there for him to meet 24/7 while I am far. He is always in denial when I ask him about her. I wish he understands that it will not be any less painful to hide the truth from me and let me find out myself than telling me himself. As mediocre as it gets, my heart still aches the same. I tried to bring our gap closer and tried to be his backbone when he needs support, to become his defense when he breaks down, but I guess that isn't enough. Oh, when will I ever be enough for anybody?

People will always tell me rumours about him to me, and saying that I am too optimistic about him. i never hate him, I never hate anyone, but what if they are true? What if all my defense statements about him above is solely to convince myself and drawing a better picture about him? What if he doesn't even try at all? What if he doesn't care?

-what if he doesn't feel anything at all?

People say that you need to fight for your love, but when it involves another individual, another girl, I will immediately step out. As hard as it gets, as painful as it gets, this isn't a race. I have always hold onto a principle that states, "when he loves you, you never need to be a choice because he has chosen you". It is indeed painful to swallow the truth, but we have known how this story goes. I will never compete with anyone for love, because it is not a competition. Love is yours when it is meant to be yours.

-maybe this love, again, is not meant to be mine.

I'm tired thinking on what is lacking in me. I'm tired thinking why I'm never enough for anybody.

-I'm too tired :(

Xx,
M.

I really wanted to talk about this on camera but I don't know when is the right time, and how to exactly do it. Everyone knows that I can be brutally honest with myself, raw and uncovered at this blank page more than on Instagram Stories.

I may appeal as someone who is brave, confident, and happy-go-lucky to people, but that doesn't mean that I don't have insecurities. No, I'm not talking about my face. I never wear make-up because I am insecure with my face. I'm not altering anything. I regard make-up as a creative activity and a way for me to feel confident and good about myself. So..tettt. Your guess is wrong. This insecurity that I'm talking about is the flaw that no one can see except for myself, and to me, it's more painful.