tak semua yang
kau inginkan akan
terdapatkan,

namun kau
pasti dapat
apa yang
kau perlukan.

dan
sepertinya Tuhan
mengatur pencarian ini
dengan syarat klasik;
usaha, ikhtiar, dan tawakal.

tubuhku lunyai dan
hatiku hancur
saat akhirnya bertemu
kamu,
dan kau lenyapkan semua
bisa sakit itu sehingga
aku lupa trauma
semua episod
menghibakan itu.

kau bukanlah manusia yang sempurna,
itu sudah tentu,
namun melihatmu
bisa membuatku akhirnya menarik nafas lega.

seakan isyarat bahtera nakhoda nomad ini
bisa dilabuhkan,
aku telah temui pulau kediaman.

bilamana dugaan
menguji kuatku
untuk bertahan
dan setiamu
tidak terkorban
walau masa silam
menumpang lalu.

kuatkah aku?
atau kekuatan
ini hanya cukup
untuk membenteng diri
dari terlecurnya kulit
merasa bahang neraka
manusia yang mempersetankan
ketulusan syurgawi
perasaan ini

teguhkah setiamu?
atau setiamu
sekadar kunci
untuk memorabilla
membuka pintu
dan terlerai
apabila kau telah temu
sebahagian dari
pameran menggamit
kenangan terbaikmu

terkonflik antara
kanan dan kiri
hitam dan putih
tiada titik tengah
yang bisa memuaskan
hati-hati
yang seakan hidup semula
walhal sudah lama
mati.

I was reading Tujuh Tahun Tujuh Hari that I just bought from the Lejen bookstore across the street after dinner earlier in the dimlight until I received his text at around 1am.

I just wished Amir goodnight before writing this. It is a rare occasion for him to sign off before me, but there are days when we are extra tired than usual, and he will be working tomorrow anyways. No matter how late he sleeps, he will always be the first to wake me up.

It has been a month after my last post and I have always missed this space. I wanted to deliver good, read-worthy content to all of you so that you can learn a thing or two from me and count it as a form of sedekah as I share good teachings and examples. Then again, I realise that the biggest lessons that we will learn are always fresh from the streets and experiences, so I hope that all of you can learn from my experiences as much as I do too.

About a fortnight ago, I was having dinner with Amir. It has been a habit for the both of us to talk about a lot of things and I like to listen to his thoughts since he lives in a different environment and circle that I am, so I get to see his views in a different dimension. I couldn't remember the start of the whole conversation, but I remember asking him, "What do you think about beggars around KL?"

"My mom always say that you have to be sincere yourself to give before questioning their sincerity to receive. Speaking about that, I remembered one time, a beggar came up to me selling tissues. I gave him RM1, but soon after, the beggar threw the RM1 away right in front of my eyes as if the RM1 didn't mean anything to him at all. "

I gasped. I didn't know beggars can be that cocky.

He continued, "I know that RM1 couldn't cover the cost of him buying the tissues, but imagine this, one decent meal at KL may cost RM5. If everyone gives him RM1, he just needs to sell 5 tissues. Still, it's something. However, seeing that does make me lose my faith towards humanity though".

The value of money always beats kindness and sincerity, but I didn't know that it has come to that extent where we don't value the gift of people. What if the RM1 is all that Amir got at that time and he decided to give it all to the beggar instead so that he could spare some cash for food? Sincerity is someone's right for him to keep it all between himself and God, but we have failed to appreciate the rezeki that He has given us. A person could be short of that RM1 to buy milk for his child, and he had no other choice but to put it back at the rack at the exact same time he threw the RM1 to the ground.

"And which blessings of Him that you deny?",  as Allah repeatedly remind us in Surah Ar-Rahman.

As a giver, however, we should not stop giving. My teacher always remind me many times that there is someone else's rezeki is ours, hence we should not hesitate to give their rights. No matter whatever their intention is when they receive our gifts, but our intentions must be sincere, Lillahitaala at the first place, and hoping that God will replace it with more rezeki, in any form. A good health is rezeki, a supportive family is rezeki, a good circle of friends is rezeki, a loving partner is rezeki, good grades is rezeki, the ability for you to have a roof on your head and eat for the day is rezeki, the skills that you are gifted with is rezeki, the happiness that you feel is rezeki, the peace that you enjoy is also rezeki. Everything that happens around you and whatever you get is always, always a rezeki and blessings from God. You may be tested sometimes, but even with the tests comes with rezeki in forms of options and solutions to help you go through the problems that you may face.

"You know, I had restored my faith in humanity when I met you", Amir said during one of our conversations.

I hope that I am a form of rezeki and blessing to him too (I bully him a lot).

Xx,
M.

I always celebrate New Years' Eve quietly. I would just spend my day at home, do a quiet reflection of the whole year, write some wishes for my closed ones, and sleep in, knowing to wake up in the following year. New Years' Eve is a significant event for me, but I don't do grand celebrations or late night parties. In fact, I don't have a New Years' resolutions since forever because I know that I would not achieve my goals if I organize and write them down. I had a lot of 2018, which is the reason why I was not spirited to write long essays to every single person that I know. Yes, it is bad and unfair because I do receive some of them, I'm sorry, so I wrote an open letter to everyone instead. I won some and lost some, kept some and let go of some people, lost and found love, and a lot more. There is one concrete lesson from this year that I would definitely bring onto the following journey of my life; I don't need validation from anyone to do anything. It is more to enough to follow my instincts and know that it is right for me and will make me happy, and receive support from my closed ones, then I'm good to go. 

I remembered when I walked into Starbucks with Tassia from the toilet. I saw you looking at me for a good moment while I greet the others at the table, avoiding eye contact. It has been the first time that you looked at me that long since we separated. I don't know why you kept on looking at me, is it because I was so casual with a plain flowy pink blouse and a pair of jogger jeans, not putting much effort on my outfit or is it something else? I don't understand what was going on in your mind, nor the meaning behind your gaze. It was the last paper for our final exams, and you didn't even wait for me in front of the hall. You were the first one to leave the hall, and you didn't even say goodbye before you left for home.

I have always said to myself that I had time to fix and change things before the year ends, but I guess my time is up. I have always think whether it is worth it or not to be the braver one who wanted to fix it although I am no handy man. I am a real life Wreck-It-Ralph, but even Ralph had the compassion to help his friend fix her broken arcade game.

"It depends on how you much you wanted to protect yourself, Leen", that was what Elle said to me when we were stuck in the car while the rain was pouring down the city two nights before. I would be more dissapointed if I were to know that my actions do not change anything rather than feeling the regret of not saying anything at all, because at the end of the day, I did not say anything anyways.

If the long glance that day was meant to be the last before he finally lets go of me, then I think I should take that as a silent closure.

I would save him over and over again,
but this time,
I chose to save myself.

Oh, I haven't been talking to all of you for quite some time now since I'm always talking to one particular person and ignoring everyone else. I'm sorry for neglecting 14 up to 60 people of you who stopped by to read my shenanigans and rants, or simply just want to kepoci around like I always do with some of you as well hehe. #kepoci4lyfe

Let's talk!

I have just finished my final examinations last Thursday and attended my first recording for a uni ad, which is actually my first job and got paid decently, no, more than enough for just talking for about 5 minutes. I suddenly feel like doing showbiz seriously now since I really love the creative industry, let's look out for more opportunities, In Shaa Allah. I'm so proud of myself I'm not going to spend my first cheque on anything, I might even frame it! I cannot express how happy I am to earn something by myself because I have never worked, well, I do, like submitting stuff and such, but I never got rewarded for it. Ah guys, I know I am overreacting but sheesh, let me have my moment pleaseeeeee.

I have an upcoming project that still needs loads of revision, but I'll tell you guys all about it later. I'm just helping with the writing....which reminds me that I need to finish it up soon but........it has been long since I don't procrastinate so...... *reaches for the pillow and sleeps*

Done with my life updates, let's get personal.

All of my friends know that I dream a lot of dreams, and some of them can be a film, some of them can be an inspiration for my stories. My dreams can go from nonsense to seriously, brutally, drop-dead real.

I have been dreaming about someone that I never met. He was never my type of man; shoulder-length hair, looks quite messy, and wears what Shawn Mendes always wears- a T-shirt underneath his unbuttoned shirt, what do you call it? Whatever. He looks like a miserable student. Nonetheless, he was a good man and likes to take me for rides and meet up with his family. I remembered in one dream, he showed me a video of him surprising me during my birthday.

I dreamed about him twice but in long intervals. I remembered that I dreamed about him again after 3 months when I forgot about him. In that dream, I was in his car and I said immediately, "Eh, bukan ke kita pernah pergi tempat ni?". Psychic, I know. I'm impressed with myself too. How can I think critically in dreams but not in real life?

To make things more complicated, I was scrolling through Instagram and found a picture of a man that I don't know. He was a student in a university close to mine, and what drawed me to look at his picture was his pose infront of the university court. Fair enough, I closed the tab and slept. However, my head started to actively think. Shoulder length hair, quite the same features.......could it be....

HIM?

I freaked out and looked at his picture again. Is it him? Is it really him? I asked around my friends if they know him. They asked me to stay away from him because apparently, he's..a James Dean in Rebels. A bad boy, as how they address it. Oh, wow. God must be having a flip in my stories. How can I fall in love with someone that doesn't cut his hair, looks messy, a bad boy some more. I always go for the good ones, although well, they break my heart but, they are good boys.

I don't know how fate is going to take a toll on me, and maybe it's not him, but let's just wait for the next episode of this Akasia drama slot of mine.

Xx,
M.

baby 

staring at the phone is like
staring at you when your eyes are beautifully
closed in a deep sleep
although i usually doze off earlier
but i get to witness the strands of your
messy hair that brushes your face when
you change positions
when i wake up to mute the alarm clock
and
i am patting the pillow beside me
and slipped into the far right side
of the blanket
so you can fit in on the left
i'm sorry that i take up too much space
but your heaps of breath are like a
lullaby
and the wavelike motion of your
heartbeat is like a rocking boat
to my dreams where i'll meet you
there in the aisle during the happy ending.

typing on the keyboard is like
caressing your fingers and
swinging them in unison during casual walks
and twirling them in the rain-
no, we won't wet ourselves in the rain but
i could feel your arms curling up around me
when your favourite movie was disrupted
by thunder-oh, you know Astro.
and the words that you sent are like having
your chin engraved in my hair
head on head when I'm writing a new
piece like this,
and the capslocks are like
having arguments in a car
our voices are louder than any high notes
and more ridiculous than any rubbish raps
oh crap, why did you stop driving?
you will say despicable remarks and
end it with a "just kidding" and a sheepish grin
god, i feel like throwing you out of the window.

i like to put emojis beside people's names,
describing their personality and
how i feel about them
and i end yours with a heart
because i felt i actually had one
when it leaps two beats faster
when you wish me good morning
like a kiss on the forehead.

and not replying is like
letting you wait at the front door
and i didn't hear the doorbell
but don't you have the keys already?
uh, let me end this and
open it for you,
alright?

I opened my box of memories from high school-pictures, journals, gift cards, also gifts, and letters. I don't have A4 paper-ish sized journals, that is so 2013. I have them pocket-sized for me to bring it anywhere and jot down any incidents that I wanted to remember, or thoughts that I would love to recap when I'm 40, but I don't need that much time to tear up reading each page.

When I opened my journal, it was full of our moments. Our conversations during phone call sessions, quoting the things that you said and done, ranting on paper on how much I missed you-gosh, I was so immature, I'm sorry. The things you did that flattered me- wearing the red shirt that I liked you wearing it to your dinner, remembering the first day that we know each other and more. You were caught up in your studies but you were thoughtful enough to leave me with a paragraph and hinted that you missed me too. How hopeless romantic, melodramatic we were. I'm sorry, I'm going to facepalm myself now.

I took my moment granted when I was with you, and I had so much of it all over the place but thanks to the box that Elle gave me, I had a space to stuff them all up and shove it at the cupboard. We used to make plans of being travel partners and go to places that we would like to see together, and I used to think that I would end up watching football matches that I will never understand and hand you a chilled bottle of mineral water after the game. At the end of the day, who are we to fight fate, here we are, being each other's strangers again. I wish, oh, I wish, I didn't take a glance at you that night but everything must happen for a reason. Perhaps, you're another lesson, preparing myself to be a better person.

At nights like this, sometimes I still think about what went wrong, and wondering if you do too when you can't sleep. I know it is unhealthy for me, hence I hit him up, sometimes just saying goodnight when he is hooked up with friends or his games to make myself feel better. I wonder if you do that to her too, to erase our fears of this nightmare away, but sometimes I hope I have enough courage, or you have enough courage to dial and ask the major question, and whose fingers should point at who, but we both know that it doesn't work that way after high school, it never will.

God, let me tell you about God, He never lets me meet you. Do you know that I was in the same driving school as you? I've always hoped that I could see you during classes but the timing is always off that now I have obtained my license and probably you are preparing for your test, I don't know. Maybe, just maybe, God knew I wasn't ready, I can't handle another breakdown, but I would love to hear something from you, although you may not be reading this, I hope that God watches over you like He always does.

Me and my big mouth, I guess this is the end. I hope that you'll be showered with happiness with your loved ones, and hope that I too, will get the same in return, In Shaa Allah.


Xx,
M.

My mother-

                   "Will there be a day that I no longer receive goodnight texts from you?"

                               "As long as I remember you, then I won't stop"

I become very insecure about my relationships with people, let it be my friends, or special friends, or even family. I've always heard of these promises, I'm used to this everyday texting routine until at one point they will leave me out of the blue without any warning. I am a person that programmes my mind and treat everything as a routine, so when they leave, they will change my routine and leave my days empty, like how they leave my heart.

I am used to this pattern until I become afraid. I can't afford the loss and the loneliness that comes after. I no longer can stand the pain of mental breakdowns that will wreck me to the core. You may look at me as an independent, focused girl, but the truth is, I'm absolutely not. I am not strong, I am defenseless, please don't take me as a challenge.

Somehow, when I think about it again, is it because of my fear of being left is blocking myself from being loved by the ones who truly love me? Am I too broken to be fixed, or it is just the mirror that is cracked? Am I busy counting the chances that I missed to notice the bottles of chances that I haven't take?

I am still searching for the answers myself, but the path that I am in is beautiful still. My mother still rides me to cool places to eat, my friends are only a type away and silly arguments with him make me smile every day. My prayer is, if he ever leaves me, like others did, I aspire to be as beautiful.

2.20 PM

I'm currently at Chena's workplace and I saw her making drinks, so focused that she doesn't even know I showed up. I don't mean to disturb her so I let her be until the crowd lessens.

Yesterday was the worst yet one of the best days of my life. Worst because I had a sudden gastric attack, it was so bad that I needed to take a jab at the doctor's. I couldn't stand it at all, and it hurts like hell at my left hip too. Gastric attacks are not new to me, it runs in the family, but I was more concerned about why it hurt so much at my left hip instead. I went to the clinic and oh, boy, how packed it was! I was furious but I couldn't throw my temper because I was too sick, and I kept shushing Ma all the time when she gave me her lecture on taking care of my own meals, but at the end of the day she was the one who drove me to the clinic and made sure I had all my medicine before sleep. Mothers, they will babble all they want but they care the most.

I didn't have the energy to reply to any texts or calls, oh why on earth my phone beeps every 5 minutes at the wrong timing? His texts from him came in too, when I felt a lil' better after the jab, I replied,

          "Hey, I'm sorry I replied late. I had a gastric attack and it was so bad that I had a jab"

He was just waking up from his long nap from 5PM-9PM. He replied my text with a voice message,

               "Kau tahu, tadi kan aku bangun" aku ingat dah pagi tau. Aku rasa cam nightmare la sebab aku lupa wish kau goodnight. Aku fikir mampuih la perempuan ni bising pagi ni nanti",

-Aww. I healed instantly :')

It is nice to know that you are in someone's thoughts, included in someone's routine. You know, there was one time when I just wanted to talk to him after getting my driving's license, (also an excuse to call), he said he had a game with his friends, but he made sure that he'll spare some time. I called him, and suddenly his friends wanted to play another round.

                        "Oh, nak main lagi ke?", I asked, because I was afraid if he thinks that I'm invading his privacy and time with his friends.

                            "Nah, tak nak", he said and texted his friends,

                              "I'm not playing tonight"

-Aww part 2.

Oh gosh, how did I get so lucky.

11.11  PM

12:36 AM

Wa,

1,

I will keep this short and sweet since you are used to receiving long paragraphs from me, and probably you're expecting this letter from someone else. Don't close the tab yet, I have a few words to convey.

I will always remember you. After a successful meeting, during brainstorming sessions, scrolling funny Tweets on Twitter that you might have seen first, anything that is significant to you, I remember. Sometimes I wanted to hit you up and tell you what I have discovered on that day, but I am unsure if you will be interested like before. Sometimes I will wonder how you've been when I don't see you on my wall, but I always pray that Allah will keep an eye on you and ease your difficulties. Ever since you told me that you kept me in your prayers, I will never forget to mention your name in mine, believing that He will protect you from any kinds of harm. And I will never stop from doing so.

Thank you for teaching me a lot of things in order for me to be close to Allah. You taught me to perform Dhuha prayers and read the Quran during the intervals during exams, and to be honest, I felt enlightened to answer the questions that I was not confident of. You also taught me the fire method to answer angle questions in Maths, and I never got any of them wrong ever since. Not to forget the bone formula as well.  I learned to appreciate Mama just as much as how you look up to Ayah and Ibu. I learned a lot from our mistakes, and the question marks in between that I used to think that you have the answer, but now I am not sure, and it does not matter anymore. The cracks will still be visible although we try to cover it up anyway, although I am not sure of the cause, and there is no one to blame. Nonetheless, I hope that Allah will grant you His blessings for teaching me those.

Thank you for caring and the time you spent with me. Thank you for the late night phone calls, I miss your laugh now and then. Thank you for looking after me when I was about to do crazy things. Thank you for listening to my rambles and kept up with my antics although you don't deserve any of those. I will remember you, your spirit animal, the correct spelling of your name, your favourite movie genre, everything that you told me from our first deeper conversation. You will remain my favourite person.

I hope that you can bid farewell to 2017 in peace, and a new chapter beholds you.

Xx,
M.