I have always panicked about my life about everything; why on earth don't I have a boyfriend yet when everybody else in my circle has one, why am I not working yet when everybody else's making money while studying, why haven't I publish my first book yet, why this, why that. I have always thought that at 18 years old, I am actually quite slow. I used to think that I'm still young and I still have a long way to go, but there are a lot of people who achieved more than I did at my age. At first, it became a motivation, after that it became a pressure. I mean, I have only six years left before I get married. Ok, hang on there, six years is a long way to go, but, I wake up and now it's August. Six years maybe like six sleeps away, and I haven't found my groom, nor the money for a grand wedding. Dramatic and lunatic, I know, but, oh my god. *sleeps anyway for the sake of killing the thoughts* *wakes up the next day and it's already next year* *hello*

Oh, I haven't been talking to all of you for quite some time now since I'm always talking to one particular person and ignoring everyone else. I'm sorry for neglecting 14 up to 60 people of you who stopped by to read my shenanigans and rants, or simply just want to kepoci around like I always do with some of you as well hehe. #kepoci4lyfe

Let's talk!

I have just finished my final examinations last Thursday and attended my first recording for a uni ad, which is actually my first job and got paid decently, no, more than enough for just talking for about 5 minutes. I suddenly feel like doing showbiz seriously now since I really love the creative industry, let's look out for more opportunities, In Shaa Allah. I'm so proud of myself I'm not going to spend my first cheque on anything, I might even frame it! I cannot express how happy I am to earn something by myself because I have never worked, well, I do, like submitting stuff and such, but I never got rewarded for it. Ah guys, I know I am overreacting but sheesh, let me have my moment pleaseeeeee.

I have an upcoming project that still needs loads of revision, but I'll tell you guys all about it later. I'm just helping with the writing....which reminds me that I need to finish it up soon but........it has been long since I don't procrastinate so...... *reaches for the pillow and sleeps*

Done with my life updates, let's get personal.

All of my friends know that I dream a lot of dreams, and some of them can be a film, some of them can be an inspiration for my stories. My dreams can go from nonsense to seriously, brutally, drop-dead real.

I have been dreaming about someone that I never met. He was never my type of man; shoulder-length hair, looks quite messy, and wears what Shawn Mendes always wears- a T-shirt underneath his unbuttoned shirt, what do you call it? Whatever. He looks like a miserable student. Nonetheless, he was a good man and likes to take me for rides and meet up with his family. I remembered in one dream, he showed me a video of him surprising me during my birthday.

I dreamed about him twice but in long intervals. I remembered that I dreamed about him again after 3 months when I forgot about him. In that dream, I was in his car and I said immediately, "Eh, bukan ke kita pernah pergi tempat ni?". Psychic, I know. I'm impressed with myself too. How can I think critically in dreams but not in real life?

To make things more complicated, I was scrolling through Instagram and found a picture of a man that I don't know. He was a student in a university close to mine, and what drawed me to look at his picture was his pose infront of the university court. Fair enough, I closed the tab and slept. However, my head started to actively think. Shoulder length hair, quite the same features.......could it be....

HIM?

I freaked out and looked at his picture again. Is it him? Is it really him? I asked around my friends if they know him. They asked me to stay away from him because apparently, he's..a James Dean in Rebels. A bad boy, as how they address it. Oh, wow. God must be having a flip in my stories. How can I fall in love with someone that doesn't cut his hair, looks messy, a bad boy some more. I always go for the good ones, although well, they break my heart but, they are good boys.

I don't know how fate is going to take a toll on me, and maybe it's not him, but let's just wait for the next episode of this Akasia drama slot of mine.

Xx,
M.

                               "Dear, I'm having a meeting on Monday. Come and join us"
I literally left the text on read and threw it to the back of my pillow. My week has been messed up and so did my brain. I didn't have the energy to even wake up. Besides, it was usual for Cikgu to take me to his meetings to come and nod when they were discussing things that I wasn't involved in. Well, I actually do eavesdrop their discussions although my eyes were stuck on the laptop/phone/book, I eventually learn something. As a person that doesn't like to be left hanging, I replied a few hours later after I felt soberer. "What is it about? It's not an order, right?"

                   "Will there be a day that I no longer receive goodnight texts from you?"

                               "As long as I remember you, then I won't stop"

I become very insecure about my relationships with people, let it be my friends, or special friends, or even family. I've always heard of these promises, I'm used to this everyday texting routine until at one point they will leave me out of the blue without any warning. I am a person that programmes my mind and treat everything as a routine, so when they leave, they will change my routine and leave my days empty, like how they leave my heart.

I am used to this pattern until I become afraid. I can't afford the loss and the loneliness that comes after. I no longer can stand the pain of mental breakdowns that will wreck me to the core. You may look at me as an independent, focused girl, but the truth is, I'm absolutely not. I am not strong, I am defenseless, please don't take me as a challenge.

Somehow, when I think about it again, is it because of my fear of being left is blocking myself from being loved by the ones who truly love me? Am I too broken to be fixed, or it is just the mirror that is cracked? Am I busy counting the chances that I missed to notice the bottles of chances that I haven't take?

I am still searching for the answers myself, but the path that I am in is beautiful still. My mother still rides me to cool places to eat, my friends are only a type away and silly arguments with him make me smile every day. My prayer is, if he ever leaves me, like others did, I aspire to be as beautiful.

11.11  PM

I am currently in Markas Blink, Bukit Jalil, waiting for my SRC (Sesi Reka Cerita) session. There are familiar faces that I know like Aman Wan, Azanil Fitri, and of course, the Malaysian Sophie Kinsella, Ain Maisarah. I have been here since noon but I have been around the condominium and discovered the clubhouse, the swimming pool, the gym and all before I step into this house for the second time, with a big deal, without Cikgu. I have been hitting him up so many times and the last message that we had was,

                         "cikgu, takut."

                  "Buka cermin. Jump!"

                     "Ada swimming pool sini"

              " Swimming pool can't let you bounce. Masuk and bagi salam."

                  "U sure about this?"

                  "Masuk dulu. Kalau bagi salam kat luar orang tak dengar tau"

            "Memang lah. Weh help me"

                    "Bye"

Aduhai. But okay la I just can't put this here, he has been helping me a lot for the past few days. We brainstormed at his house, kept reminding me about my presentation and kept telling me that everything will be okay. I was the one that never listened to anyone, had nerve wrecks although everyone told me that everything will be fine. I am very afraid that I will mess this up. This is my future, the royalty will help me pay so many bills if this works out, In Shaa Allah.

I need to gain my confidence back, pray for me!

Xx,
M.

I think everyone can judge from my tweets that some things happened to me for the past few weeks. I lost my newfound blessing and believe me, I went nuts. This is me, I don't know how to accept a loss. I don't know how to accept when someone leaves, be it for any reason. I don't know how to face life after the loss, it feels that the major part of your self is gone. It mashed up with your daily routine, and not doing any of it leaves a huge void in your heart and it feels that my ribs are gonna break and my lungs will collapse at any moment.

At the beginning, my friends played a huge role in being my backbones. Piya stayed at my home for a week plus, yes, it was planned way before everything happened since she wanted to meet her boyfriend, Aqil, but her company made it more bearable. She would always show up whenever I sat alone in the wooden chair at the kitchen and stared at the walls when the night befell us, checking up on me to see if I was okay. Piya would take a seat in front of me and listen to all my thoughts because there was no use of hiding it anyway, she knew what was I thinking of. She isn't much of a person that could give advice but she would give her commentaries on it. I hit up a lot of people, including Aqil, well, that's what you do when eventually your best friend's boyfriend becomes your friend as well to ask for opinions and their two cents. I didn't hit up Elle this time because all of the things that she warned and said to me before, was right. She is a realist, she saw it coming. I only called her to say that she was right. Elle being Elle, blur as always, " What did I say? I say a lot of things I don't know which one", "Ah, you figure it out yourself, lah".

I did try my way out to fix things, however, it didn't work out. It took me a lot of courage to swallow this painful fact.I cried during showers in the bathroom, I stayed up and waited for the line to bling, but to no avail. I tried my best to avoid the places that we once talked about, I even declined Ma's offer to go to the west coasts. She was startled because she knew how I loved everything about the west coasts, but I was terrified. I was traumatized to receive flashbacks. I was terrified to have every phone conversation echoing at the back of my head.

This went on until I stumbled upon an Instagram Stories post from Azeera Hakim, and she stated this:

"The only way for your heart to break is when you let someone inside of it. Because your heart is not capable of withstanding anything that's temporary. When Allah created your heart, He had made it only compatible with eternal beings. So the only way for your heart to find peace is to fill it with things that are eternal. In this temporary world filled with temporary things, I hope you'll find The Eternal that your heart is looking for"

-after I read the last word, my heart stopped palpitating and started to beat normally again. I found the reason why  I was so heartbroken, because this disguising 'blessing' is- as bitter as it sounds, temporary. I also found a video on Twitter regarding being grateful.

"Instead of focusing on what you don't have, start to concentrate on what you have"

I started to list out the things that I am grateful for in my life and wallahi, it's too much. I am blessed with cooperative parents although they were divorced, a sporting mother that I can share about anything in the world, a doting father that will go all ends for his only daughter, a teacher that treats me and loves me like his own and wanted nothing more than the best for me, supportive, funny, caring friends that will stretch as far as they can just to see me happy, the career that I have as a journalist and the people that trust me to write up on what they are doing and gives my readers a new purpose and prespective with every writing, the comfort that I have without having to struggle have food in my mouth, the education that I received, being born a Muslim and have a God that is Ar Rahman and Ar Rahim and listens to all my woes and sorrows in every duaa', and much more uncountable blessings in my life. Why should I waste my energy and tears on one that left when there is so much more that is here to stay?

Since then, I started to have a new spirit, a new energy to start back again. I did many things to channel positive vibes into my life, like converting back to contact lenses, buy new brushes and refine my make-up skills, put them on whenever I go out to boost confidence, wear nice clothes, sometimes even with heels, smile a lot and laugh a lot, make puns and joke around, take obviously failed supermodel-ish shots of myself, listen to love songs like Surat Cinta Untuk Starla and change it to Surat Cinta Untuk Maleen instead, haha, befriended new people from many circles like hitting them up randomly on their DMs and find a chance to know them better, eat good food and more.Ma even took me for a short trip to the Northern states. We do plan to go up there for her client's wedding, but I could sense that Ma knew my condition so she lengthens the trip to various stops and oh my, we finally went to the place that we wanted to go but never thought that we could make it like the Matang Mangrove Forest. Took nice shots there too!

I realized that after I did that, I attracted many positive things as well. I strengthen my relationship with Ma and helped around doing the house chores while she is at work, and said 'Thank you' whenever she leaves a dish on the table for me before she leaves. Hearing back a gratitude wish and a hug from her whenever she comes home with relief and a smile on her face is the best satisfaction ever. My relationship with Cikgu also became better. I follow him to work whenever he wants me to and even volunteered to be his plus one to boot camps. We talk a lot in the car, sang songs that I know, and I can assure you that he was being nice to me than ever, maybe he had the wake-up call that his princess is already grown up and will leave anytime, but hey, I won't. He recommended me to Ain Maisarah of Blink Book, hence their interest in recruiting me to become their writer. He openly shed a tear when he did that because he said that his job is done and I am now in good hands. Nah, he won't. He becomes my PA now, keeps reminding me to finish up my storyline all the time. Alhamdulillah, I feel that everything is in place now.

I am now currently on a vacation in Port Dickson, which is a beach, of course, and it brought me serene and peace, calmer than I can imagine. I was scared at first because I hold so many memories with the sea, but I braved it all and went running towards the waves. I could look at the blue sky as the blue sky and the clear water as the clear water without any 'he used to's. I also took many shots of the sea and put them up on both my home screen and lock screen, since he * I have to* used to take those shots for me. I feel content alongside my family and all these blessings around me, I have never felt this carefree.

It is not that I miss him sometimes. I do reminisce about the times when he used to be around. But, that is life taking its course. And my prayers have been answered. God must have His own reasons to do that is kept secret and beyond our thinking limits, but I believe that making me stronger is one. And, look at all the good things that come after that! I don't want to trade this happiness for anything in the world, ever.

For any of you that are having a hard time, look at all these blessings around you and be grateful for every single one of it and come up of things to enhance and improve your life qualities. Also, stay positive! Surely, good things will be attracted to you in no time, In Shaa Allah.

Have faith!

Xx,
M.

" What do you do when you fall down?", Encik Ahmad questioned during his turn to speak during the weekly assembly. Everyone replied, "To get back up!" energetically although the only sound I heard was houseflies buzzing around a smelly trashcan.

                   "When you fall down, you get back up", Encik Ahmad repeated our answer and continued, "But who's doing the backing up? Yourself. Is there any hand from the Heavens that will reach for you? No. I can call high end motivators to come and talk up here and pay them thousands to lift your spirit, but the one who's doing the action is yourself."

                   "Just remember that your teachers up here are always here to support you to push you forward, by all means. We will go the extra mile for you, so you should too, for yourself. Please, if you can't do it for us, or your parents, please just do it for yourself". He ended his brief speech there, which marked the end of assembly.

The first period was Islamic Studies, and oh boy, you couldn't imagine how sleepy I was. I didn't lie my head on the table instantly, but I was trying so bad to open my eyes that in a blink of an eye, I dozed off. Ustazah Arbaayah caught me twice, and truthfully, I didn't mean to do so. The weekend was hectic, it was jampacked with classes and I didn't have time to actually sit down and take a deep breathe. Perhaps it was my fault too, I couldn't manage my time well.

At the end of class, I shook Ustazah's hand and apologised for my behaviour. Ustazah patted my back warmly, " Maleen, I understand that you may be staying up late, but it won't do you any good if you can't focus in class the next morning. I know that you are a good student, I see that, and it'll be a waste if you keep on with these interfering bad habits at this eleventh hour. Try to improve, alright?", I didn't hear a rising pitch in her voice. It was very soothing, very convincing that when we parted ways, I kept on thinking what she said. I felt sad because I felt like I had failed her. I had failed all my teachers, and that is the last thing that I wanted right now.

I have seen their sacrifices, like how Pn Nor Saidah stayed back, still with her baju kurung on since morning until 11pm, and came back at 8 am the next day when she should be resting the weekend off with her family and do something nice, or like how Pn Norizan keeps giving us worksheets non stop just to make sure that we're steadily studying Biology, and Puan Waheeda that usually come at night to supervise us doing Addmaths accompanied by Pn Nina, our counsellor, and the other teachers, oh I don't know what else that they had done behind our backs just to make sure that we're on track. I never care about the teachers until now. I tend to appreciate them more nowadays since they're the only backbones that I have at school other than the prayers that my parents send to me from home.

Keeping your smile at this stake is very hard. I haven't cover anything yet although trials with start next week due to the overflowing workload, and I feel very defeated. I think everyone, especially Ma knows how I like to whine and blame everyone on everything, but there's a verse in the Quran, I can't remember which, that says,

                    " Sesungguhnya manusia itu suka mengeluh. Apabila dia diuji, maka dia akan berkeluh kesah. Melainkan orang-orang yang menunaikan solat"

I learnt that during a Tafseer session with Kak Fari, an Old Girl who is the founder of Little Caliph kindergarten franchise. This verse hits me hard because, I pray five times a day without miss. I take them seriously, but why am I still whining?

So whenever something shows up, I will immediately shut my mouth tight and play the verse back in my head. It has been calmer for me to accept rather than to whine over something that cannot be changed after all. I have to go through it, so I rather go through it positively. Try it, In Shaa Allah it will do you some good too.

Speaking about teachers makes me think about Cikgu. Seeing my teachers sacrificing for us makes me reflect on how much he has sacrificed for me since I was little. It was haywire back then, but he chose to step in and rush me out from the fire. I never take it deeply back then because our interactions are more like friends, but as I grow up and live far from home, it started to reveal infront of my eyes.

As a teenager with a roof that will blow in no time, there are hard times that we will have big fights, like the fights that you usually have with your mom or dad. It was always leaving the conversation hanging, running away and avoiding each other until at one point, I will step in to apologise and he will come and call me back. There are always desicions that makes me hate him and feeling like shouting on top of my lungs, " I am a big girl already! You don't have the right to say the last word anymore!", but when sometimes I tell Ma about it, she will always say, " Grow up as fast as you want, but in our eyes, you're always our little girl". That time, I will always cut her with a feisty laugh, but now, it makes me sad. As I grow up, I will grow distant from the people at home. I will be distant from him. Even right now, I think all I need is his figure sitting across me and comfort me with his consoling voice just like the way he does it when I was really frustrated when I was little.

Gosh, I miss him badly :(

Everything has been quite a storm that barged into my life lately, and I feel very out of place. It's true that Rome wasn't built in a day but these chaos wiped all my fences gone.

God, why is Ed Sheeran playing while I'm writing this?

Honestly, I feel very numb. I can't differentiate between being happy or sad, sometimes I'm up watching the fireworks on Everest and a blink of eye later, I am stranded after being pushed down a cliff. Everything that revolves in my life seems mad and I can't join the dots to any of them, but they say that in this world, the mad people are sane, so I conclude that I am the 'okay'est person on the planet. In my universe, at least.

I used to dislike Lang Leav. One minus point for her expensive books that I can finish after an hour in the bookstore while waiting for Ma to finish her shopping spree, and I am fine with expensive books, like R.M.Drake's, but not when it only has 200-300+ pages. Another minus point for her proses and poems that only circulates in one idea; love. She is a good writer, and I am anticipated in reading her works, but the hype will be gone after 20 pages. An unpopular opinion of mine, there are other feelings in the world. Anxious, angry, bored, lazy, curious, sad, sick, crazy, lost, not feeling anything. Why not make a masterpiece by combining them all. I even have a poem about the pain of a mosquito bite. No kidding.

But yesterday, I don't know whose novel did it belong to, but it has been residing at the bookshelf for quite some time, with thick dust covering it. I was trying to distract myself, so I pulled it out. It was The Universe Of Us from Leav. I read it anyway, and I was shocked, because it felt that all the words that she penned on the paper shot me like bullets to my chest. I felt it was written for me, or the exact feeling, as if I was the one that wrote it. That is the power of poets. They make you feel less alone when they convey their hearts out. Not all, but there may be a few stanzas that they described perfectly that you wish you can write the same. Wish you can tell the same.

I also went for a jog, after months of not doing so. The usual pain came, but I ran anyway, knowing that it will ease after all. I wished every step that I ran to all the doubts and problems that I have, hoping that I could leave them behind. I didn't know what will that has pushed me, but I managed to run a round of TASA. Believe me, this was my first. Am I reliving memories? I don't know. I just keep running.

When there's a will, there's a way, and God, please show me one.

      " Leen, you should only call him for maximum, 2 times. If he didn't answer then just let it be", Ell said sternly after I came back from the payphone. She dozed off last night so she didn't know what only God knows how many times I did nothing but dialling his phone number again and again after 2 hours of strictly Biology. I didn't mind dialling that much because the payphone didn't take up my money, and all it said was, "Sila Dail". Piya was the one who got lucky, she managed to get Aqil on the line only with one try. Here I was, switching my position to a thirdwheeler.

     I swore to myself that I will only try thrice at the afternoon, and if he didn't pick up, then I'll have to let it be. Maybe he was busy. It was incomplete for me to not bid him goodbye before he enters school again. Routines, I must say.

    I was about to give up when I heard "Hello?", on the other side.

                    " Do you have any missed calls on your phone? I tried calling you and I was expecting to hear a voicemail if you don't answer, but the payphone asked me to dial again"

                    " Yup, 11 actually."

   My jaw dropped instantly. Since when did I dialled so many times? And how did it get to the extend of...11 trials?! I am glad that he didn't have to see me jumping up and down with my baju kelawar because I was so embarassed. Man, what?! I couldn't even believe myself. Maleen, where the hell is your pride and integrity? Just wait when Ell knows about this, I will definitely get a two-hour lecture on 'Why Do You Have To Be So Stupid?"

Let me give you a quick trivia. Maleen Balqish is a person that will go the extra mile when you have succeeded to reserve a room in her heart. She devotes herself to them; her family, her best friends, the people that she choose to be around her and her passion,  and she will do anything to make sure that their wellbeing is wholly happy and healthy, with and without her presence. Sometimes, she overdoes them, like calling a person 11 times, but she just wants to check up on you and make sure that you're okay, and aware that she is always there to be with you through thick and thin.

She can be very matured at solving other people's problems or answering Pendidikan Agama Islam's KBAT questions, but she too, realized that she is so innocent when it comes to dealing with her own emotions. She has nothing to give you, and nothing against you, except for the great affection that she developes for you. Break her, tear her, drown her, she has been through that so many times. But, she never gets it why she has the courage to stand up, forgive you and start the process all over again. I know what people will label her. Naive. Push her around and toy her all you want, because she only knows that life is a pure, empty canvas although you have splattered it with red marks.

I don't know how many times do I have to repeat this phase but she can be very attached to you. Yes, it's true, she does keeps all her feelings to herself and expects you to know by your own, but she is never afraid to show that she cares. She is never afraid of making the first move, asking about your whereabouts, how are you feeling, what are your likes and dislikes, and certainly remember them in order to make you comfortable with her. And... call you 11 times just to bid you goodbye until she gets to talk to you again. I warn you, break it out to her, leave quick and run as fast as you can if you don't like being bothered that way, because being mistaken as annoying is the last thing that she wants to be known for.

 Back to the conversation, he talked to me as usual and laughed a lot along the way, maybe he was just like me, clueless of things to say. When it's time to end the call for the last time, we exchanged wishes.

                                    " Take care", I said.

                        " You too. Drink a lot of water please, and study hard, okay?"

                                    " I'll study hard, promise"

                      There was a gap of silence until I said,

                                        " Miss you"

                                        "Hm, okay"

I feel like banging my head on the wall at that moment. Head Maleen was yelling angrily at me saying, "What the hell did you just said?!" while Heart Maleen encountered the situation and confronted Head Maleen while hugging me, " Isn't it usual for her to say that? She said it on texts".

Head Maleen then reached a rifle beside her and targeted Heart Maleen's head, " Don't you know that saying it live is a huge mistake?! He may just answered 'Me too' with a frowning emoji on texts because he just wants to please you and not hurt your feelings. Worse, he doesn't even mean it! Don't you remember what Addie told you? Differentiate kind gestures from signs! Ah, why do I have to deal with someone so naive?!"

And there they are, Head Maleen and Heart Maleen starting World War III in my system, leaving me as the middle man, more confused than ever.

Ah! Why is it so hard to be naive!

He's finally home for the weekend, and how i missed him so! *virtualhugs* *buthalalgap* *sepwilldo*

"James huh?", he asked with a quirky laugh. He approved of the name and he googled James Dean because he never heard of him. To him, James Dean was so-so. He was like that too, so-so to people but he swoons them over their feet.
What on earth did I get myself into.

We exchanged updates on the first two weeks of school, and it was hell for both of us. He said he feels unwell. The maximum number of days he will be sick is 3 days. He said to not worry as his fever is usually not that bad and he can still have the energy to study. Eh hello, how I am supposed to not feel worried? Even not hearing from him makes my heart feel uneased.

He read everything here, and I managed to say sorry for not opening up to him. Yes, he let me walk away, uncharged. Hehe.

I lied on my bed last night after the quick conversation, feeling calm than ever. I feel that a burden had been lifted from my chest, and dozed off with a smile. I want to make the most out of these two days to spend more time with him before we have to separate ways again for weeks. He told me to hold on. "Continue studying and you'll be out of this in no time. What's glory without sacrifices, kan?" , he comforted me when I whined on how I cannot go home for almost two months until Eid Ul Adha. A baby, I am.

               "Yes, success requires commitments!" , I shouted at the payphone, feeling motivated. He is everything now. My happy pill, my booster. Let's just hope that he won't be a heartbreaker.

Cheers to #2, #5 to go!

In the midst of hardwork, dramas, patching memories with friends and missing him, the stars still align to bring me peace.

It all started with a phone call that made me felt miserable the whole day. I was devastated. I was demotivated. I felt the world was turning its back to me. I have never felt so alone in my life. I had nobody to run to. If I could, I would like to leave. I couldn't describe in detail on what had happened because I no longer want to remember one of my most horrible nightmares, but-

" I memang suka tepung pelita. wajib ada waktu iftar"

it may just be a coincidence, but i choose what i want to believe. and i believe that maybe, you will always find ways to cheer me up. that's your nature after all, spreading good vibes to the people around you.

i never ate a tepung pelita before, but that night, i savoured it until the last spoonful. and it was delicious :)

Brb, sweeping dust from this page, phew phew (blows dust like blowing a birthday candle) 😅

Life has been very tiring for me lately,like,double homeworks than Form 4 like that weren't enough, classes every weekend and sleeping later than usual to make sure that I actually have time to indulge into a book before I end my day. It's getting worse since I literally drift off to sleep during each gap between classes and somhow I need to take mum's suggestion seriously on consuming multivitamins. My body is too fatigue to do anything.

A lot has been done before entering 2017 which is putting on braces, trying my best to workout often and stay awake after Subuh. I feel like I have all the time in the world to do anything rather than waking up at 11am.Oops, busted.

I don't have any good resolutions this year other than for a good health, better results in school and being more devoted to God. Allah, please guide me on each step that I take. Amin.

Wishing all of you only the best days to come!

Xx,
M.

You may be indulging into your K-Dramas for entertainment in a personal ward that you have all to yourself,but deep down we're both constantly looking at the time counting how many hours left to the scariest war in record that you will face as a soldier,alone.My life is always full of 'I wish'es but it keeps thumping harder and harder in my heart as the clock tickes.

A few weeks ago, I got a notification on my Twitter account stating that someone followed me.It wasn't someone,but something.It's an official account of a magazine called The Affinity Magazine.A little stalking has been done and they even have a tick beside their names to ensure that they're the only official account.I was like,homagad they must be a famous magazine if Twitter was hands down on verifying them.

The Affinity Magazine is a teen magazine that was written by a range of teen writers for the peers.It has a lot of topics to talk about from serious politics to entertainment and real life issues,woah all of the articles are brilliantly written.The application to become a writer is all-year round so I just gave it a shot.I sent in one of my blog posts which is my report on Sarawak Cultural Village during my visit to Sarawak last year.Yes,no jokes were erased and absolutely nothing was changed.I just copied all my goofiness and pasted it at the sample writing column.Aye that can't be good because no writers in there joke around and I totally lost hope and flatlayed myself on the floor,gratefully no one thought that I'm a fat fur rug.

I checked my email everyday as it is my daily routine for updates/invitations/etc until one day,there's an email in the inbox titled 'Open This Quick!' from Evelyn V.Woodsen and I read it carefully to check if it's a scam or whatever cyberbullying and cybersafety is all about.

'Congrats!
We really enjoyed looking over your application and reading your writing samples. The Affinity team was impressed with your style of writing and approach and would love to formally offer you a position as a staff writer. '

That was the day that I finally thought that I can rest in peace.

I got the job guys! I am a real writer for a magazine!Woohoohoo! *dances like how i dance to 24K Magic*

but this job doesn't come easy.When I say that I'm a real writer,I AM A REAL WRITER.I have to write an article once a week and submit it for the editors to review,learn to put credentials and cites on sources that doesn't come from myself especially photos and not all of my articles will be accepted.I may get rejected and turned down.In fact,I am waiting for the review of my first ever article for Affinity whether it is approved or not to be published.The scare is real.I rather be in a haunted house.Wait,nope.No haunted houses.Never.

I see all of these in the bright side,of course.The editorial board wants me to be commited to my job,be alarmed with the news happening around me and make some space for myself to grow and improve my writing to become a better writer/journalists because most of the writers here will go off and work for high end companies like The Huffington Post and MTV and obviously I would like to have the honour to be the first hijabi hosting the worldwide MTV show,who knows aite?A world without boundaries.

Given the space and time,I would like to thank everyone that has been supporting me from Day 1 throughout my journey in writing from building up my passion to getting a place in an international online teen magazine team of writers.I love all of you that has been kind to me.You are never forgotten.

Taking a deep breathe and let's hope that everything will work out just fine.

Xx,
M.

I don't think that this will be an inspirational post because I am not someone you can look up to as an idol.I did a lot of mistakes throughout my life,or actually too much for me to remember,but mistakes are the best teachers in life.You will never be precatious after you went wrong.Take this analogy,you can't ride a bicycle without falling first.

Najwa once said to me, "I like having scars on my body because I can remember what happened.It's like patches of memories".

I don't have a lot of visible scars but I have a deep scratch at my right wrist.I got this when I was 13 years old,and like a film it will rewind what happened back then everytime I look at it.It was the exam season,I can't remember which but I wanted to take off stapled papers on the softboard to avoid students from cheating.The last paper was at the highest point of the softboard and I was too short(and still) to reach,so I climbed on a bookshelf.Unfortunately,the bookshelf couldn't put on with my weight and it broke.My hand was holding the bookshelf so it got hurt first and the tip of the nail scarred my skin for life.Encik Razif was my class teacher and he asked what happened to the shelf,and one of my classmates told him about the incident but all that he said was,

                                   "Oh,patut lah"

                          WHAT DO YOU MEAN OH PATUTLAH YOU WANT TO SAY THAT I'M FAT IS                                                                           IT?!
                              *cries while shoving a tub of ice-cream in my mouth*

Aih Encik Razif,the one who took the father role since I started college and left before my senior year :( I gave him headaches but he took it all like painkillers.I am very sure that in his eyes I,and all my friends are still little girls.Wandering little girls that he can't save from the world.I'll miss you very much,Encik Razif. :(

Same like scars,mistakes don't stay but it will keep reminding you that you have done this before so don't do it again.For me,mistakes are bittersweet.It will leave you in tears but a laughable memory to remember.I will tell you about my beautiful mistake but later lah.This one is heavy already.

Don't be scared to make mistakes!

Xx,
M.

Zyva and I had been through a two-day leadership camp organised and facilitated by our dear 'younger' sisters from MGC/TKCOGA and I managed to get some quotes in my mind that hit me a lot from very inspiring kakaks.This entry will be updated in case there's more quotes in my notebook that I left in my room while writing this.


                             "Something that is worth doing is difficult"
                                                                        -Kak Adeeba



                            "Don't do to others what it don't want to be done to you"

                                                                       -Kak Shahnaz

           

   So exam has ended and my results should just be in the trash because it is bad compared to every child that Mom knows.I am not really sad because I have improved on a few subjects such as Physics and passed Addmaths!Woohoo!Now I'm listening to Kamikaze by MØ while ranting to all of you.What a life 😌

    To kill time,I watch make-up tutorials!I have discovered Noriana The Face Designer and she is a miracle man,the proper guide that I need.She is a famous MUA in Malaysia and is responsible for Yuna's fabulous looks when she's back in town and she is truly effortless.Her motto : Minimum effort,maximum impact.Her tutorials are not hard at all and she explains in detail on which technique is for what,like the use of contouring,and the products that she uses and why she uses them.She's such a fairygodmother for noobs like me.😇

    Youtube helps and embarasses me a lot at the same time.Everyone noticed that I bought the Instant Age Rewind Dark Circle Concealer by Maybelline and even showed how I put it under my eyes.Guess what?IT WAS WRONG.DON'T EVER LINE IT UNDER YOUR EYES!ABORT YOUR MISSION NOW!Haih what a noob 😖

    You should dab it properly under your eyes and blend it using a beauty blender or a Kabuki/wtv the brush's name is.I have sooo much to learn.I have the thoughts of buying a beauty blender but it costs about RM90 at Sephora and I think the Ministry of Finance that follows me everywhere will definitely ask Sephora to close down before I ever come in.Let's opt for a set of brushes instead aye?

     I think I urgently need a moisturizer.Oh here's a funny story.During my shopping spree at Domesky,I grabbed a spray that said it was an Aloe Vera moisturizer.I quickly took it because I just saw a make-up tutorial using an Aloe Vera moisturizer but when I watch it again,it was in CREAM form.What a disaster.I don't even know where the so-called moisturizer is now.Maybe Mom knows.She knows everything at the tip of her nose.Also,a setting spray!My make-up will quickly fade and looks shiny and all although I don't even sweat.I see a lot of people using Urban Decay'/ Setting Spray so maybe I'll try it out and tell you the results(if I have the money to do so).

      My make-up journey is a loooong way to go,do bear with me and my progress!

Xx,
M.

           Yesterday, I received a text message from a friend.

                                       "You look fatter".

           I was like, 'OMG don't you know any manners of talking to a woman?' but I just replied,

                                       "I know.I'm at a phase where I feel hungry and eat all the time,and you just know what phase it is".

           I do feel insecure but I am not born to please you in any way.If I want roast chicken at 3AM,I will have that roast chicken. (which is quite impossible because I will feel dizzy and pass out by 1130 pm.School schedule.)

           This is a quick reminder to every human being in the universe when talking to a woman,you shouldn't ever in a million years to ask about:

1) Their weight/body shape/clothes size
2)Their age(although it is not really a problem to me but this is sensitive for most women)

Now I have given you the basic manners,APPLY IT.

Don't ruin your first date with breaking the rules! 😉

Xx,
M.