" I feel like my past is haunting me", I sighed as Amir settled down and lied down on his black leather sofa.

"Why, baby?", he adjusted himself and looked at me attentively. I know that he would have reached my hand if only his arms could travel across phone screens.

I looked down to the floor. I have never felt that, after a year plus of being together, after countless times running and crying into his arms...that it will be hard to tear down the last barrier of your memories that you have kept safe from people for so long to someone, even though that someone means a hell lot to you now. You will always think that he will think badly about you, because he has never met you in such a terrible condition, he has never seen you in such a dim light inside a dark room that you lived in for years before you meet him. You don't know if he will understand, I don't know if Amir would understand.

"You know baby, I remember this one time when I entered an international English test when I was around 13-14 years old. I got highest distinction. Can you imagine?

So, all students that have achieved good results for the test are called up on stage to receive the certification from the principal. When my name was called, I was so happy to get up on stage, but I heard mumbles and whispers at my back as I was walking and I could hear very clearly when someone said,

"Isn't she the one that attempted suicide?"

I was crushed by that phrase. I tried to hustle as much as I can so that people would see me as just, me, but that whisper will always echo in my head. From 13 to 14, to 15, to 17 years old, or now even.  It is as if no matter how much that I have achieved, I will never be more than a kid that attempted suicide."

"Baby, look where you are at now", Amir finally spoke after listening to my kind of traumatic experience, finally opening the door to the dark room at the back of my head after so long. "You stood tall from that downfall and you achieved everything that you wanted."

I was anxious. "H-how do you, make peace with your past?"

Amir simply answered briefly. "I moved on, because the people that I may share that past with have moved on long before me."

I have to admit, it was not the answer that I wanted. I wish it was more poetic, it was more convincing. but, that is Amir. 100% frank, blunt, and honest. I guess, that was the answer that I needed.

"Do you... think ill about me?", I asked him, feeling embarrassed of stripping off the last part of my past to him.

"No, sayang. Never.", He looked at me compassionately. That was enough. That gave me enough strength to embark on this super hard journey but I know that I can pass through this, just like the obstacles that I have been through before.

Ah, I wish I can hug him right now. #MCODay10.

I am afraid of heights
but thinking of you
makes me want to jump
from the highest building
to make up the courage to
follow you on Instagram

I loathe reading
but talking to you makes me read dictionaries from cover to cover
all editions of thesaurus
compiling lists of metaphors
just for me to end up being
silly and ask you a question
about the shapes of pizza.
but hey, i scored our first date
without reading any tips!

I never promise so that I will
get guilt off my hook
but do ask me anything,
ask me for everything,
i won’t hesitate to only say ‘yes’
and ‘yes’ is absolute,
probably the most optimist i have been for so long

but for you,
i will be brave,
and now i am.

i cannot say the things that you always want me to say
i may not be as conscious of your feelings as how you want me to
but
if i were to try
no sentence can complete the meaning of you to me
no numerical expressions can conclude on how much i love you
because it is too much.
and it is growing more and more than ever.

It would be better if i could not make you speculate on my feelings and say it myself
but this will do too,
i hope it helps.

(p/s: he approves!)

"Promise that you won't leave me", I said multiple times as my cheeks were drenched in tears. 

I have not been feeling myself lately with the massive workload that I have, from assignments to handling events with SHINE; I am exhausted.     My mood swings become unpredictable too, and everyone is affected by it; my mom, Amir, everyone. I remember that I had dinner with Amir a few  nights back and I was so pissed when my mom asked me to come home quickly, saying that she was hungry at 930PM when I clearly know that there are dinner at home, and Amir did not remember my schedule. I clearly snapped and stormed out of McD. He tried to coax me but I felt really hurt. I felt that none of them even appreciate the things that I am having on my shoulders, or at least have the courtesy to understand the workload that I'm going through.

I was really feeling detached with Amir for a few days after that. Every text from him felt like a disturbance, and I don't even bother to entertain him or say 'I love you' before going to sleep. I was really out of place and out of touch with him. I could not find the purpose of being with him anymore. I felt that he didn't want to understand me, or didn't want me either. I could not find the reason to stay, and I was actually considering for a breakup. That was so absurd! Every single person that knows me on this planet is clearly aware on how much I love Amir and how I value him in my life. At that moment, I felt that my whole life was crashing downhill. I had to either drag Amir in this mess or break him off for making sure that he is safe.

-but I know that I hate what I am feeling.

My team and I was supposed to set up at the IOC Clubhouse yesterday evening but we need to run errands and the organisers could not wait for us, hence we had all night to do last minute chores like grabbing the cakes that we should bring. I felt very empty while I was walking after parting with my friends, and I passed by the Sunway City intersection.

"I just need one reason to stay", I said to myself.

Hence, I turned my steering wheel towards the intersection, searching for the new shop that Amir is located at. I drove slowly, hoping to not be noticed by him. There he was, working on a car with his colleagues, probably discussing about stuff that I am not that adult enough to understand. I don't know why, but I felt that I was in the verge of my tears when I saw him from afar. I recognized him, my heart recognized him.

I took another turn around the block and stopped in front of a car not far from his shop. I didn't think that I was stable to drive, nor I was ready to go home, so I decided to Waze for a longer way home via the USJ route that Amir used to bring me to simply spend more time with me. As I was typing the location, someone knocked on my window.

-It was Amir.

I rolled down the windows. "You miss me already, sayang?", he cheekily smiled. I was stuttering when I came up with a lame excuse that I was around the corner.

"Sure, sayang? You don't have surprises for me?", He said while analyzing the interior of my car, trying to spot anything unusual. I smiled and shook my head.

He reached for my hand and held it tight. My walls shatter immediately.

"I miss you.", I became honest. "I'm sorry that I have been giving you the attitude, I am having a hard time".

"I know", he said softly and caressed my cheeks.

There, I found my reason to stay.

I lent Amir's camera for a tutorial class the other day. Mind you, I am a total noob, the DSLR camera is alien to me.

• “You need to have faith in Allah, sayang”. 

I was having lunch with Amir at Jibril. Apparently, the underground restaurant was not packed for a Monday lunch hour. There were some crowd hogging our space but we were still able to breathe while exchanging drinks and stories. Amir was determined to order the Couple Set because the last time we went there was during our first date. I told him to order the Single Set because it's cheaper and he jokingly said, "Yeah, I know, because we're not a couple yet, right?". Good times. Time is still good as long as he is still around with his fluffy hair after washing them that are at his neck's length. It doesn't mean that I won't love him if he's bald, but......can you not distract me from the purpose of this conversation, please?

We were casually talking while struggling to finish each other's portions on our plates. We came across a topic on how he draws the line by not lashing out to his mother. When he stopped there, I could not finish chewing and I felt guilty. I am used to lash out at my mom when she is shouting at me unnecessarily, but I am trying so hard to ignore her whenever she does that as I get older. Since Amir is around, my mom would always use Amir as a bait whenever she thinks I'm disrespectful when I think I'm not because that is how I talk to people in general. She will go, "Nanti kalau Amir dengar, Amir suka ke?" "Kalau Amir ada dekat sini, dia suka tak?"

My mom was right. He doesn't.

I confessed to him on how I am still struggling on my anger management. He kept quiet, he listened but he didn't judge. He never does. He gave me an emphatic look, trying to understand what was in my head. Probably he did, but he still listened anyways while slowly caressing my cheeks. That is the comfort of talking to Amir.  I may have done shitload tons of things before and in the present but he always wants to understand from my point of view.  He is like my safe haven that I can be vulnerable with.

I think the prominent reason on why he chose to take a step back instead of starting a four-hour lecture on manners with me instead is because I am a teenager. Not saying that teenagers have the excuse to be rude, but mainly because we don't really realise how we act sometimes. He is an adult, been through the phases that I am going through hence that was how he understood. Maybe, that was why he was so calm whenever I tell him my teen tales, because he has gone through the same thing and probably had reacted the same. He always tells me that he wants to protect me from the things that he has seen in this world, but attacking or verbally lashing out at me were never his options when he wants to teach and tell me that I am wrong, or I was wrong before.

After lunch, we went straight to the bus stop at the LRT station because Amir needed to head straight back to work. I looked at him while he was looking through his phone, feeling grateful. The littlest things that we found on our discoveries of each other along the way makes me appreciate him more and more each day.

Xx,
M.

"How was class baby?" Amir texted me as soon as I finished all my classes for the day. I was stretching my body on a counter chair at Starbucks and keeping myself awake since I want to finish my in-class assignments for Online Journalism while waiting for the traffic jam to die down.

"It was fine sayang", I answered briefly. There was nothing much that happened during the day other than having two lectures and two in-class assignments. The mediocre Communication student life I would say; writing and brainstorming all day long. Nothing interesting for me to tell him. He was my senior anyway, he had been through this too.

My phone beeped again. Expecting an "Okayyy" or shifting the conversation to a new topic, Amir said,

"Fine je babyyyy?"

Oh wow, this is new to me. I would not say that guys hate to listen to our rants but most of the time they are forced to listen. This is the first time that I was asked to elaborate more about my day although it's plain and unseasoned. I continued to talk about the in-class assignments that I had and my attempt on completing it before we go for dinner together. It speaks a lot on how he genuinely cares about my wellbeing in general and makes me feel loved.

We always overlook on the importance of asking people how their day went and just let them talk about it. It may look simple because we usually use it for conversation starters all the time but it does help a lot especially to check on our loved ones. It helps to uplift their spirits after going through the same thing over and over again every single day, and calm them down and give them an outlet to vent when they are having a rough one. The key point here is to just listen with empathy and compassion.

This act of Amir may look small, but I am definitely taking note and giving him credit on how he always reminds me of the values in life that I may overlook on how big the role is in our lives. I am happy that I have a partner that would always let me talk, and I hope that the ample space given by him will not make me selfish to also give him an outlet to speak up too.

So, how are you? Let's talk!

Xx,
M.