My guts are right.
It's always right.

Dissapointment after dissapointment has shattered my self-esteem and heighten my doubts. The question, "where did I go wrong?" has been orbiting and muddling up my mind, finding relevant answers on the failures of my relationships with people. My friends always tell me, "It's not you, it's him". Is it still 'him' after failing twice, and 'him' are now a reference of two different people?

I can't help blaming myself, maybe I wasn't paying attention when he did. I was too caught up reminiscing my past love while he was trying to build memories with me. I always find sights of the someone else inside him; his words and his actions. He tried, maybe he tried, but when it came to my realisation, when I stepped in the battle with him, he felt defeated and gave up.

He started to leave after our biggest fight, and believe me, I never stop fighting for him. I felt that he didn't too, I acknowledged his effort of rekindling our relationship as two people that has shared a portion of our lives together.

                         "Will there be a day that I will not receive a goodnight wish from you?"

                                 "As long as I remember you, I won't stop doing that."

He became very distant ever since we parted ways. It's a part of our responsibilities, we have dreams to catch. Me being on camera, him and his white labcoat. He rarely wishes me anymore, but eventually he will in a week or two. He rarely replies to my chats anymore, he said that he was busy. I convinced myself that I shouldn't overthink and become more understanding of his situation. I give him the time that he needs, long enough for him to find a new spark.

I have expected this plot twist to happen that it becomes so mediocre. She is physically there for him to meet 24/7 while I am far. He is always in denial when I ask him about her. I wish he understands that it will not be any less painful to hide the truth from me and let me find out myself than telling me himself. As mediocre as it gets, my heart still aches the same. I tried to bring our gap closer and tried to be his backbone when he needs support, to become his defense when he breaks down, but I guess that isn't enough. Oh, when will I ever be enough for anybody?

People will always tell me rumours about him to me, and saying that I am too optimistic about him. i never hate him, I never hate anyone, but what if they are true? What if all my defense statements about him above is solely to convince myself and drawing a better picture about him? What if he doesn't even try at all? What if he doesn't care?

-what if he doesn't feel anything at all?

People say that you need to fight for your love, but when it involves another individual, another girl, I will immediately step out. As hard as it gets, as painful as it gets, this isn't a race. I have always hold onto a principle that states, "when he loves you, you never need to be a choice because he has chosen you". It is indeed painful to swallow the truth, but we have known how this story goes. I will never compete with anyone for love, because it is not a competition. Love is yours when it is meant to be yours.

-maybe this love, again, is not meant to be mine.

I'm tired thinking on what is lacking in me. I'm tired thinking why I'm never enough for anybody.

-I'm too tired :(

Xx,
M.

I really wanted to talk about this on camera but I don't know when is the right time, and how to exactly do it. Everyone knows that I can be brutally honest with myself, raw and uncovered at this blank page more than on Instagram Stories.

I may appeal as someone who is brave, confident, and happy-go-lucky to people, but that doesn't mean that I don't have insecurities. No, I'm not talking about my face. I never wear make-up because I am insecure with my face. I'm not altering anything. I regard make-up as a creative activity and a way for me to feel confident and good about myself. So..tettt. Your guess is wrong. This insecurity that I'm talking about is the flaw that no one can see except for myself, and to me, it's more painful.