Routine

                   "Will there be a day that I no longer receive goodnight texts from you?"

                               "As long as I remember you, then I won't stop"

I become very insecure about my relationships with people, let it be my friends, or special friends, or even family. I've always heard of these promises, I'm used to this everyday texting routine until at one point they will leave me out of the blue without any warning. I am a person that programmes my mind and treat everything as a routine, so when they leave, they will change my routine and leave my days empty, like how they leave my heart.

I am used to this pattern until I become afraid. I can't afford the loss and the loneliness that comes after. I no longer can stand the pain of mental breakdowns that will wreck me to the core. You may look at me as an independent, focused girl, but the truth is, I'm absolutely not. I am not strong, I am defenseless, please don't take me as a challenge.

Somehow, when I think about it again, is it because of my fear of being left is blocking myself from being loved by the ones who truly love me? Am I too broken to be fixed, or it is just the mirror that is cracked? Am I busy counting the chances that I missed to notice the bottles of chances that I haven't take?

I am still searching for the answers myself, but the path that I am in is beautiful still. My mother still rides me to cool places to eat, my friends are only a type away and silly arguments with him make me smile every day. My prayer is, if he ever leaves me, like others did, I aspire to be as beautiful.