Wrong

Sometimes, I want to call you because I know you do have the answers to my doubts, but I know that it is no longer my place to ask nor question. "Accept life as it is", they say. I don't know how to put this into words but I don't know what is the exact term to express that it is hard to be the stronger one. It is frustrating when you have to coax yourself to be everyone's pillar and it is your responsibility to stay behind them to catch them when they fall but deep down, you know that none of them will be there for you to land on when your defense topples. You need to pick up yourself alone and keep on guarding the people that you love earnestly. Heck, you don't even know if they love you back.

It sucks when you make someone your priority but you don't even come second. You don't need their apologies because the best apology is changed behaviour but all that they do is proving you wrong each and every day. Yet, you give them the chance, because you are convinced that they are "trying", but they aren't. They aren't even trying to make things okay. No, they don't even bother to know if you're okay. They want to be understood without being able to understand that it takes two to tango. They want to have fun but they're not the "fun" that they need until midnight strikes and they just need something, something to make them feel sober after all the fun has gone until they have it again the next morning. It breaks you so much to know that you don't even catch their minds when you have your world around them and you will make time no matter what you're going through. Deep down you know, they won't do the same for you.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am so unworthy to be loved. Sometimes deep down in my heart, I know that once, I had a place in his heart but how did it vanish so easily? Why is it so easy for someone to leave my life with all the details and memories that we have exchanged? Has he mistaken a person for a museum for them to leave his trails and history? I sensed the spark but where did it go? Why do people only let me live with their shadows? I was drop dead worried when they don't give a reply but they would come back and say, "I was busy".

This is not a cemetery, I don't need all your ghosts.

This is not a hotel where you check in and out for a brief stay.

This is a home that I have painted the walls with your favourite colour and squeezed in your perfect furniture, yet, it couldn't be named one without your return, because home is not a place, it is a feeling.

I no longer know how to stress this. I am drained.

I don't know how long should I wait for this homecoming. Probably, you know that the door is always open, that is why you go roam to other places for entertainment and only walk in for comfort. You know that I will always tuck you in after a long night. Maybe if I lock the doors and move to another space, you would come looking for me. That too, the thing that you know I won't do.

Sigh.

M.