I hate being attached to people. I would feel that my happiness depend fully on their presence and the times that I struggle to love myself will go to waste. I am programmed to be accustomed to routines. Once the person suddenly vanishes after I have been used to his or her presence, I would somehow be numb and dumb for a few moments and I will find it difficult to fill in the void that the person has left me with.
After years and years, I have realised that the term 'self-love' is applicable for me in all stages in all phases in life, whether I am single, or with my partner, in a crowd, or alone in a quiet corner with my laptop, I need to love myself regardless. The thing with me, or some people is that, we will tend to feel comfortable when we find someone to love us, or that's how it seems until we forget to love ourselves. Maybe that is why we find a really huge void in our hearts when they left, because we feel that the light of love in our lives are gone, but the candle is within ourselves, and we just need to light it up. The spark does not have to be in someone else's eyes. Most of the time it has been burning vigorously in ourselves but we choose to be blinded by other people's judgements and turn it into ashes.
That is also another thing; choosing the right people to vibe with. I have encountered with a lot of people that wanted to mould me into something that I am not, whether it is a partner or friends. Sometimes I felt the need to impress them and wear this facade that I am capable of doing everything in the universe, well, let's be honest, nobody does. I am grateful that I am surrounded by a few friends that accepts me for who I am. I also realise a huge difference when I am with Amir. I know that I can be good at some things and shitty at the other, but I am no longer to show him that I cannot do some things, for example, cooking and not knowing how to use chopsticks. Instead of putting me down, he offers to teach, cook for me, and praises me when I can finally do it. He contributes a lot to my self-development, I would say. Find people that are down to support you and not down to push you deeper to the ground.
As an individual, I still struggle to love myself every single day but I always keep in mind that if people are willing and able to love me alongside their own struggles too, so why can't I do the same for myself? It is true that you need to love yourself before loving others, but you should also love yourself because other people love you.
-and I love you too.
Xx,
M.
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