Sometimes,when I am alone,I will imagine what if my mum leaves me,which she will,in,I don't know,but I hope it won't be that fast because they are a lot of achievements and places that  I wanna go with her.

                      Everytime I think about it,I wil feel lost.I don't know where to move on from there.I shared everything with her,our room,our clothes.our personal spaces,our arms that are meant for each other.I don't know what to do after her funeral.Maybe I would drive as far and fast  as I could and meet an accident and forget that everything ever happened.I don't know who to reach for comfort when my feelings are pouring like a broken tap.Will it be my doting grandmother?Will it be my friends?Will it be my teachers?Who are the ones who I will ask to not leave?

                     How will I ever move on with this life without her?It's not about house chores or the troubles in cooking,it's about losing your companion.I may have a boyfriend,I may have a husband later on,but they will never replace a mother's throne.Who will pray to Allah to ease my day and night?Who will be the one that I will ask forgiveness from during Eid?Who will be able to stand my raging thoughts and my childish attitude and still say that she loves me before I doze off in my slumber?

                     It makes me cry everytime having these illusions.I am a bad child,but I will try my best to hold my hand while walking along the streets and treat her a tender beef steak.I am hard-headed and stone-hearted,but I will always spare a soft spot for her.I am full of my thoughts but I never escape from listening to hers tentatively when sometimes I don't show the introvert side of mine.I am brave of leaping what's ahead of me but I always need her to guide me home.

                    Oh Allah,please let Mama stay longer.

Xx,
M.

                               Yes,I'm still alive,people.Alhamdulillah.

                   HAPPY CELEBRATING RAMADHAN MUBARAK GUYS YES GOT MURTABAK!

    Ramadhan is a month to detox yourself from all your bad deeds that you have done in the past.I wanna share with all of you a tazkirah that I heard from Ustaz Khidir last night.He said that one day,Rasulullah stepped on the mimbar that has three steps.Rasulullah said 'Amin' when stepping on each step heading to the top of the mimbar.The Companions were shocked of his weird behaviour.After performing the Jumaat prayers,The Companions asked him why did he do so.Rasulullah replied, "Jibril AS came to see me and asked me to say 'Amin' as he recites a prayer at each step.The first dua was 'Whoever doesn't use Ramadhan as a month to get rid off his sins and become a better person,he will be thrown in the Hellfire'.The second dua was, 'Whoever doesn't use his parents as a reason for him to enter Heaven,he will be thrown into the Hellfire'.The third dua was, 'Whoever doesn't selawat when listening your name,Rasulullah,will be thrown into the Hellfire'.Rasulullah said 'Amin' to all three.

     It snapped me a lot and became a wake up call for me.I haven't been using Ramadhan as much as I should and keep making myself busy with other unnecessary things like skipping Tarawih to watch a drama online.Yes,I admit that I'm not a good person.I never was.I hope I will.In Shaa Allah,you too.

     Let's increase the momentum of our ibadahs and become a better person for ourselves and the people around us.May Allah guide us for the better.Amin.

p/s: Where can I find delicious kuih raya for Eid?My family doesn't have even one!

Xx,
M.

                                                         "Who am I?"

  That question is repeatingly popping out of my head and kept bothering me.I don't even know who am I.I don't know how to define myself.I don't know what is my personality.I don't know what should I do in the future like in 5 minutes from now,I don't know.It gets blurrer as I grow.

  At some moments,I feel like I am living in a life full of lies.I am uncomfortable with my own skin.This cloth that is on top of my head right now,was covering my hair up due to judgemental society back in elementary.I don't have a stand for myself.It was all separated by a line back then,an angel covers up,a hellman displays.I remembered every single time people would label me things that were inappropriate that forces me to be someone that I am not to fit into the society.

  But this cloth isn't bothering me.I know my responsibilities towards God and my faith and I know that this raging feeling in me will calm down.I asked my mother about going to freehair again but my mother was unpleasant with it.I can't do things behind my mother's back,one thing for sure.I'll stay to be obedient.This intention will sooner or later will be only for The Almighty,In Shaa Allah.

  The most interrupting issue is,I don't know what is my purpose of living.What am I even doing here in this moment,like,right now?Why am I studying Pure Science,why am I born into this kind of life,why am I this why am I that and lots of whys.Why am I even writing this to be read by a few kind anonymous readers about my messy self while I can choose to potray that bold me?

  Worst,the person that I trusted most broke the promise that he made publicly in sheets of readable paper.

  At the end of this post,I still don't know what will happen later and who is this soul nesting inside these bones for support,but I'll keep searching.I'll let people leave if they want to,I won't beg them to stay anymore.I'll never give up.I'll find myself.

Xx,
M.