Hesitate

11.11  PM

I had finally passed my driving license, I can ride flawlessly to campus now, phew!

Everybody knows that I'm not a fan of Lang Leav because of her poem and proses only focus on love as if it is the only thing that one should be thinking about. But as I was waiting for Piya and Aqil to come to the mall that we planned to meet up, I went inside MPH and saw her latest book, Sea of Strangers. I was attracted to the title and the cover of the book, and there was one that wasn't wrapped with plastic, hence I took one and indulged in it on one of the seats at the end of each shelf. It was realistic, it was beautiful, it was me. It was a remembrance of my past, dedicated to my future. If I could, I would have given each of them one copy of the book. One to reminisce, and the other to cherish. 

I stumbled upon a prose about knowing when it is right. If someone makes me see the universe better and reflects the best version of me when I look at him, why do I still need to hesitate? I have read a saying, 'Love is the only thing that time doesn't deter', so why need to worry about the so-called 'youth' that I'm going to lose? Love is about being wild and growing wise together. 

I don't fall in love easily like a bee flying from one flower to another, sucking the nectar and leave when it's full. I can be very pessimist, I would be enjoying the time of my life with the person that I am sure that I want to spend forever with while thinking about what will go wrong this time. Heck, most of the time I would like to pull up my car and drift on any highway to run away from my own feelings. I live in facades, I am afraid that this version of me might appeal to this person that the other doesn't, hence I hide it away in the store of my mind and let it out once I enter the room after bidding goodnight.  I can be cautious, yet very naive. I can be very independent, yet very clingy. I don't know which personality would you like, hence you decide to like the sweaters that you prefer at H&M.

-and there's this man, who is happy with both.

I was traumatized by my past relationship that didn't work out, like what if he was just a pretty break to another heartbreak? What if he was just being nice? I was torn apart, but he made me feel the spring breeze and the winter flakes coming down from the sky even though I've never experienced any of them. He made me fearless and carefree like a flying bird finally out of its cage. He was the one that somehow made me feel that this is right and it won't be wrong this time, but even if it does, we'll still land safely. Oh, how I hope this won't be wrong.

I texted him and dropped him hints but he seemed to not respond. He seemed to not understand as if I was just doing my random pickup line jokes. Is he actually hesitant with me? Or he found his serenity and security in someone else?

Honestly, this time, I do not know.

Xx,

M.