"I don't know"

the sky that i brushed run out of paint

the house that we built with a wide lawn for your garage toppled

a tsunami hit our convertible as we leisurely drive at the beachside

my wedding dress was torn at the edges

i walked down an aisle with a burnt, worn, rug 

i see my future fall into shambles

and forever

is never

i swallowed the thorns of reality down my throat

so that i will never speak about it 

or anything that i believe

ever again

i am no psychic 

nor a scientist to engineer time travel

but i never asked for these predictions to warn me in my sleep

and for them to all be right

i saw you left me that night

i have already cried and begged for you to stay,

a trial and error that never succeeds anyway

because i am a slow learner and i cannot pick up new tactics easily

probably i have been cursed

that separations and me are inevitable

i thought i broke the spell when your lips interlocked with mine

but 

even if i am close to you like the gaps between each finger

that was sealed when they were intertwined with mine

when you hold it tight to cross the road

you will let it go when there are no more cars passing by

and chasing you to the other side is

like a heaven's reach

and 

i hope that a car will drift out of nowhere 

because even if the streets are empty

you have already become the death of me

-but i want you to live.

you don't have to tell me anything on what

is in your heart, love,

i have been knew. 

i have lived in one of the rooms 

with pictures of her on the walls

brushed my hair with her comb

and snuggled up to sleep with her blanket

just as the same as how both of you

used to tuck in after a long day

as much as i want to 

change the pattern of the bedsheet

rearrange the dresser

declutter the wardrobe 

it always looked the same, 

love. 

it always looked like love,

but one that was never meant

for me.