I am currently in Markas Blink, Bukit Jalil, waiting for my SRC (Sesi Reka Cerita) session. There are familiar faces that I know like Aman Wan, Azanil Fitri, and of course, the Malaysian Sophie Kinsella, Ain Maisarah. I have been here since noon but I have been around the condominium and discovered the clubhouse, the swimming pool, the gym and all before I step into this house for the second time, with a big deal, without Cikgu. I have been hitting him up so many times and the last message that we had was,

                         "cikgu, takut."

                  "Buka cermin. Jump!"

                     "Ada swimming pool sini"

              " Swimming pool can't let you bounce. Masuk and bagi salam."

                  "U sure about this?"

                  "Masuk dulu. Kalau bagi salam kat luar orang tak dengar tau"

            "Memang lah. Weh help me"

                    "Bye"

Aduhai. But okay la I just can't put this here, he has been helping me a lot for the past few days. We brainstormed at his house, kept reminding me about my presentation and kept telling me that everything will be okay. I was the one that never listened to anyone, had nerve wrecks although everyone told me that everything will be fine. I am very afraid that I will mess this up. This is my future, the royalty will help me pay so many bills if this works out, In Shaa Allah.

I need to gain my confidence back, pray for me!

Xx,
M.

" What are you waiting for, Leen? Tell me", Elle sat up from her lying down position on my bed.

" I am waiting for him to heal. I want to help him out during the process"

"Then what's next, Leen?"

I kept quiet.

Elle sighed.

"Leen, you are waiting for him to heal in hopes that when he does, he will see you have been there all along. What if he sees someone else, Leen? What will you do after that?"

I kept silent.

"Forget him, Leen."

                                 *                                  *                                    *

Mama didn't like you, she said you are an irresponsible boy.
My friends loathed you, they said you are toxic to me as they see how many times I self-destruct, broke down and cry because of you.
Even the people that knew you, that were close to you, asked me to leave you as soon as possible. They said you are not worth my time.

Guess what I did.

I came to each and every one of them saying,
"He needs some time for himself"
"He is changing"
"Look, he becomes a better man for the both of us."
"He is treating me well"
"He is confused. I will stay and help him"
"He needs a support system. I will be there for him"
Those answer schemes never convinced them either, but for once, Mama did consider you. She believed that you changed as much as I do.

I don't understand you.
You tweeted your woes about the girls you once loved, and then you asked how I felt about it, and you knew that I was very uncomfortable and it made me upset, and then you posted another Tweet, and then you asked me about it over and over again.
Why would you bother to ask when my feelings don't matter and you did the same things again and again? Are you satisfied to be able to hurt me? Did you feel that you had that power?

"Maleen, that's mental abuse, this has to stop", Alya said one evening before class when I told her about it. Oh, of course, I stuffed her with those answer schemes and as usual, she didn't buy it.

Don't fucking dare to ask me why I don't just leave in the first place if you are too bad for me.
- because I fucking saw the good in you.

In my brain, these people didn't see and get to know this soft-spoken, tentative, observant, sometimes witty guy that remembers everything about me and the only thing that stops you from being that is because you are heartbroken. That is the only reason why I stayed because I thought that you can be so much more than this when you fully recover.

I guess I was wrong.

Elle was right. Once you got what you wanted, you will immediately leave me. When that time comes, I can't retrieve or ask anything because you didn't promise me anything. A smart move you got there.

You are selfish.
You are posting heartbreaking tweets online when at the same time I was on the other line, heartbroken when you didn't pick up my calls, making every effort to talk to you. Can't you see that the world doesn't only revolve around you? You're not the only who's going through a hard time. If you're heartbroken because of any girl that I don't know which one, then I was heartbroken because of you. Look around you, look. Look how many people that have made their effort for you but why are you chasing the ones that you will never have? You are a fast athlete but I guess you are too slow to realize that. 'Be nice to others'. I don't want to deter that kindness in you although it has long gone in me, in a split second I feel like that motto that you live with is just a mask and I have to rip it off from you. It is a lie, you don't live with it.

You left me hanging and clueless. I let you know about me too much until maybe at some point you used all of that information as a weapon to backlash me. Congratulations, you got me there. You left me with all the damage and the emptiness until, at one point, all I could do is cry because I don't know what else to do with all the memories coming back at me at once. If you think that this is just a tactic for me to make you feel guilty, oh yes, I am making you feel guilty and butthurt until you realize all of these shits that you have done. But, does a blind boy like you are good enough to see?

I am not asking for an apology from you. I have forgiven you, every day I tell myself to. Deep down, I want you to tell me that whatever I am thinking right now is wrong and you are becoming a better person like how I believed so. I want you to tell me that you have found a way to work things out. I want you to tell me that everything is alright and we'll always have each other no matter whatever happens. I want you to tell me to unlearn and undo everything and start all over again. I want you to tell me that you just went away for a while and you are now back for me. I want you to convince me that everyone is wrong and you are right here with me to stay.

Sigh, after leaving me breathless, I still choose to have these fantasies.

One fine day, if you ever stumble upon this post, I want you to reflect deeply and think. I hope that you'll become a better person in the future and achieve all your dreams despite everything that occurred. Thank you for all the knowledge that you have given me, the attention that you lent me, I owe you one. Whenever you are lost, as you said, turn to God, and if you need someone to talk to, as always, you know which number to dial and which inbox to text, I'll still pick up.

I'll open the door for you as wide,
and I'll close it shut when you leave.

I think everyone can judge from my tweets that some things happened to me for the past few weeks. I lost my newfound blessing and believe me, I went nuts. This is me, I don't know how to accept a loss. I don't know how to accept when someone leaves, be it for any reason. I don't know how to face life after the loss, it feels that the major part of your self is gone. It mashed up with your daily routine, and not doing any of it leaves a huge void in your heart and it feels that my ribs are gonna break and my lungs will collapse at any moment.

At the beginning, my friends played a huge role in being my backbones. Piya stayed at my home for a week plus, yes, it was planned way before everything happened since she wanted to meet her boyfriend, Aqil, but her company made it more bearable. She would always show up whenever I sat alone in the wooden chair at the kitchen and stared at the walls when the night befell us, checking up on me to see if I was okay. Piya would take a seat in front of me and listen to all my thoughts because there was no use of hiding it anyway, she knew what was I thinking of. She isn't much of a person that could give advice but she would give her commentaries on it. I hit up a lot of people, including Aqil, well, that's what you do when eventually your best friend's boyfriend becomes your friend as well to ask for opinions and their two cents. I didn't hit up Elle this time because all of the things that she warned and said to me before, was right. She is a realist, she saw it coming. I only called her to say that she was right. Elle being Elle, blur as always, " What did I say? I say a lot of things I don't know which one", "Ah, you figure it out yourself, lah".

I did try my way out to fix things, however, it didn't work out. It took me a lot of courage to swallow this painful fact.I cried during showers in the bathroom, I stayed up and waited for the line to bling, but to no avail. I tried my best to avoid the places that we once talked about, I even declined Ma's offer to go to the west coasts. She was startled because she knew how I loved everything about the west coasts, but I was terrified. I was traumatized to receive flashbacks. I was terrified to have every phone conversation echoing at the back of my head.

This went on until I stumbled upon an Instagram Stories post from Azeera Hakim, and she stated this:

"The only way for your heart to break is when you let someone inside of it. Because your heart is not capable of withstanding anything that's temporary. When Allah created your heart, He had made it only compatible with eternal beings. So the only way for your heart to find peace is to fill it with things that are eternal. In this temporary world filled with temporary things, I hope you'll find The Eternal that your heart is looking for"

-after I read the last word, my heart stopped palpitating and started to beat normally again. I found the reason why  I was so heartbroken, because this disguising 'blessing' is- as bitter as it sounds, temporary. I also found a video on Twitter regarding being grateful.

"Instead of focusing on what you don't have, start to concentrate on what you have"

I started to list out the things that I am grateful for in my life and wallahi, it's too much. I am blessed with cooperative parents although they were divorced, a sporting mother that I can share about anything in the world, a doting father that will go all ends for his only daughter, a teacher that treats me and loves me like his own and wanted nothing more than the best for me, supportive, funny, caring friends that will stretch as far as they can just to see me happy, the career that I have as a journalist and the people that trust me to write up on what they are doing and gives my readers a new purpose and prespective with every writing, the comfort that I have without having to struggle have food in my mouth, the education that I received, being born a Muslim and have a God that is Ar Rahman and Ar Rahim and listens to all my woes and sorrows in every duaa', and much more uncountable blessings in my life. Why should I waste my energy and tears on one that left when there is so much more that is here to stay?

Since then, I started to have a new spirit, a new energy to start back again. I did many things to channel positive vibes into my life, like converting back to contact lenses, buy new brushes and refine my make-up skills, put them on whenever I go out to boost confidence, wear nice clothes, sometimes even with heels, smile a lot and laugh a lot, make puns and joke around, take obviously failed supermodel-ish shots of myself, listen to love songs like Surat Cinta Untuk Starla and change it to Surat Cinta Untuk Maleen instead, haha, befriended new people from many circles like hitting them up randomly on their DMs and find a chance to know them better, eat good food and more.Ma even took me for a short trip to the Northern states. We do plan to go up there for her client's wedding, but I could sense that Ma knew my condition so she lengthens the trip to various stops and oh my, we finally went to the place that we wanted to go but never thought that we could make it like the Matang Mangrove Forest. Took nice shots there too!

I realized that after I did that, I attracted many positive things as well. I strengthen my relationship with Ma and helped around doing the house chores while she is at work, and said 'Thank you' whenever she leaves a dish on the table for me before she leaves. Hearing back a gratitude wish and a hug from her whenever she comes home with relief and a smile on her face is the best satisfaction ever. My relationship with Cikgu also became better. I follow him to work whenever he wants me to and even volunteered to be his plus one to boot camps. We talk a lot in the car, sang songs that I know, and I can assure you that he was being nice to me than ever, maybe he had the wake-up call that his princess is already grown up and will leave anytime, but hey, I won't. He recommended me to Ain Maisarah of Blink Book, hence their interest in recruiting me to become their writer. He openly shed a tear when he did that because he said that his job is done and I am now in good hands. Nah, he won't. He becomes my PA now, keeps reminding me to finish up my storyline all the time. Alhamdulillah, I feel that everything is in place now.

I am now currently on a vacation in Port Dickson, which is a beach, of course, and it brought me serene and peace, calmer than I can imagine. I was scared at first because I hold so many memories with the sea, but I braved it all and went running towards the waves. I could look at the blue sky as the blue sky and the clear water as the clear water without any 'he used to's. I also took many shots of the sea and put them up on both my home screen and lock screen, since he * I have to* used to take those shots for me. I feel content alongside my family and all these blessings around me, I have never felt this carefree.

It is not that I miss him sometimes. I do reminisce about the times when he used to be around. But, that is life taking its course. And my prayers have been answered. God must have His own reasons to do that is kept secret and beyond our thinking limits, but I believe that making me stronger is one. And, look at all the good things that come after that! I don't want to trade this happiness for anything in the world, ever.

For any of you that are having a hard time, look at all these blessings around you and be grateful for every single one of it and come up of things to enhance and improve your life qualities. Also, stay positive! Surely, good things will be attracted to you in no time, In Shaa Allah.

Have faith!

Xx,
M.