Sometimes, I want to call you because I know you do have the answers to my doubts, but I know that it is no longer my place to ask nor question. "Accept life as it is", they say. I don't know how to put this into words but I don't know what is the exact term to express that it is hard to be the stronger one. It is frustrating when you have to coax yourself to be everyone's pillar and it is your responsibility to stay behind them to catch them when they fall but deep down, you know that none of them will be there for you to land on when your defense topples. You need to pick up yourself alone and keep on guarding the people that you love earnestly. Heck, you don't even know if they love you back.

It sucks when you make someone your priority but you don't even come second. You don't need their apologies because the best apology is changed behaviour but all that they do is proving you wrong each and every day. Yet, you give them the chance, because you are convinced that they are "trying", but they aren't. They aren't even trying to make things okay. No, they don't even bother to know if you're okay. They want to be understood without being able to understand that it takes two to tango. They want to have fun but they're not the "fun" that they need until midnight strikes and they just need something, something to make them feel sober after all the fun has gone until they have it again the next morning. It breaks you so much to know that you don't even catch their minds when you have your world around them and you will make time no matter what you're going through. Deep down you know, they won't do the same for you.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am so unworthy to be loved. Sometimes deep down in my heart, I know that once, I had a place in his heart but how did it vanish so easily? Why is it so easy for someone to leave my life with all the details and memories that we have exchanged? Has he mistaken a person for a museum for them to leave his trails and history? I sensed the spark but where did it go? Why do people only let me live with their shadows? I was drop dead worried when they don't give a reply but they would come back and say, "I was busy".

This is not a cemetery, I don't need all your ghosts.

This is not a hotel where you check in and out for a brief stay.

This is a home that I have painted the walls with your favourite colour and squeezed in your perfect furniture, yet, it couldn't be named one without your return, because home is not a place, it is a feeling.

I no longer know how to stress this. I am drained.

I don't know how long should I wait for this homecoming. Probably, you know that the door is always open, that is why you go roam to other places for entertainment and only walk in for comfort. You know that I will always tuck you in after a long night. Maybe if I lock the doors and move to another space, you would come looking for me. That too, the thing that you know I won't do.

Sigh.

M.

It has been three days since the most horrifying experience of my life.

I have been experiencing pain in my left hip for three weeks. At first, I thought it was just a gastric attack but it was too painful. The doctors gave me the same feedback but then I wondered why it hurt so much in my left hip because gastric attacks usually occur at the abdomen. I changed clinics and the doctor took my urine sample. She detected blood and protein in my urine, which was a very rare case because there shouldn't be any traces of blood in my urine to begin with. I have been eating a lot of antibiotics but it didn't help me. The pain went high and low but it never leaves. I was hopeless, I barely had a night's sleep. I tried taking supplements, medicines, traditional medicine, everything. Sometimes I taught that I might just die rather than bearing this uncurable pain. I kept calling God as I lied, rolling down the floor while holding my hip, asking for help because that was what my grandmother always say, "sakit itu dari Allah, maka kepada Allah kita kembalikan sakit tu". The only thing I could utter when I was in pain was, "Ya Allah, tolonglah aku"
Indeed, He did.

20/5/18
I woke up from my sleep after sahur with a degree of pain that I couldn't describe. It was more than what I experience daily. No positions can ease the pain. Mama was out of words, she didn't know what to do. My family hates hospitals. None of us are allowed to go there unless one of us goes into labor. I knew it was a hard decision for her, but she had no other way to save me. At 1030am, she went against her own principle and drove me to Columbia Asia Hospital. She took me to the emergency area. The pain got higher and higher. I threw up until I had nothing left in my stomach. My whole body was trembling. The nurses in the hospital pushed me to the ER and gave me a dose of the strongest painkiller they can give, but it didn't get rid of the pain.

After briefing my pain history to the doctor, they decided to do a CT scan on me and see what they could find. They saw round entities near my bladder area. The urine test still shows the same result, they thought it was gallstones. They referred my case to a specialist. I couldn't remember the right term for it but he said it wasn't gallstones.

I was weak, lying down on one of the beds in the ER until the doctor came and asked me to fast. I asked him why, but he said he would tell my mother. I was curious. I was the one who was sick, why would he tell my mother first?

My mother came to me. Her face was pale as if she has seen a ghost.

"Cyst", was the only word she said to me.

A gynecologist came to us and explained to us about my current situation. I had a dermoid cyst that was tangling in my left ovary.  There was a possibility for my left ovary to be removed completely. However, the pregnancy rate for me remains the same, with one or both ovaries. There had been cases where mothers give birth to 4-5 kids with only one ovary.

I felt numb and verged into tears. Suddenly, I thought of what will happen to me if I lose my left ovary. Suddenly, I felt less of a woman. I knew my worth isn't measured by how functional I am in that sense, but I knew why most women break down when they receive such news.

The gynecologist was ready to help but unfortunately, the insurance company rejected my case. He said my case couldn't wait any longer. He helped me to call his contacts at Putrajaya Hospital and demanded that the surgery must be done that very night.

The most suspense night of my life began.

20/5/18- 0130hrs

After countless transfers from ward to ward and waiting for my turn to be pushed to the OT, finally, the nurses gave me the blue dress. I couldn't believe that I actually wore that. When they pushed me to the OT, the first person that I saw was the anesthetist.

"Ikut saya ya. Lailahaillallah, Muhammadurrasulullah", he said repeatedly while inserting drugs into my body with a syringe that I wasn't familiar with. It hurts as hell and I was shivering due to the cold OT. I tried to survive the pain by closing my eyes and as I woke up, the first thing that I heard was,

"Yay! Jom pergi sahur!"

I tried to laugh but I dozed off again into a deep sleep.

21/5/18-and beyond

I had a few relatives and friends that came on the first day after I had my surgery- Mak Ngah, Mummy Lynn, Iman, and Elle. Elle bought me a vase of purple flowers that fragranced the whole room, even the nurses felt calm as they walk in to drip antibiotics into my body. You could see the whole view of Putrajaya from my room. The sunrise and the sunset, also the city lights at nights that I couldn't sleep. Oh you know me, it is the view that keeps me alive. My mother would leave the curtains open for me in case I would want an inspiration to write a poem. Little did she know that she was the inspiration for my next poem that I couldn't bring words together for. Her courage and bravery to go through everything alone in my darkest hour just to save me deserves recognition. I couldn't thank her enough. May Allah grant her the highest place in Jannah.

My dermoid cyst was 10cm. It was twisted thrice at my ovary. My ovary was 80% okay and 20% dead cells. The doctor decided to let me keep my ovary because it was mostly in a good shape and he was hoping that the dead cells can replenish when blood and oxygen can flow through it as usual. In Shaa Allah.

I am still coping with this post-surgery life, but my work doesn't stop when my ability to work does. I have a lot of assignments in due so I'm working on all of it from home. My friends and lecturers are very cooperative. They helped me to reschedule my quizzes, offered my private classes so that I can still catch up and update everything that is happening on campus via WhatsApp. I can't thank them enough for being understanding.

I have also received a lot of support and stories from other women as well. Some of them had the same case as mine and even worse- one had to remove her uterus. Suddenly, I felt very fortunate and grateful for the second chance that Allah has given me, and that He has easen everything for me. Alhamdulillah.

For those of you who may be going through a hard time, do put your utmost faith in Allah. There is no other greater help that one can give other than His blessings and mercy alone.

"So verily, with the hardship, there is relief,
Verily, with the hardship, there is relief"

              (94:5-6)

Be strong. We love you, I love you. Have faith!

Xx,
M.