I am afraid of heights
but thinking of you
makes me want to jump
from the highest building
to make up the courage to
follow you on Instagram

I loathe reading
but talking to you makes me read dictionaries from cover to cover
all editions of thesaurus
compiling lists of metaphors
just for me to end up being
silly and ask you a question
about the shapes of pizza.
but hey, i scored our first date
without reading any tips!

I never promise so that I will
get guilt off my hook
but do ask me anything,
ask me for everything,
i won’t hesitate to only say ‘yes’
and ‘yes’ is absolute,
probably the most optimist i have been for so long

but for you,
i will be brave,
and now i am.

i cannot say the things that you always want me to say
i may not be as conscious of your feelings as how you want me to
but
if i were to try
no sentence can complete the meaning of you to me
no numerical expressions can conclude on how much i love you
because it is too much.
and it is growing more and more than ever.

It would be better if i could not make you speculate on my feelings and say it myself
but this will do too,
i hope it helps.

(p/s: he approves!)

"Promise that you won't leave me", I said multiple times as my cheeks were drenched in tears. 

I have not been feeling myself lately with the massive workload that I have, from assignments to handling events with SHINE; I am exhausted.     My mood swings become unpredictable too, and everyone is affected by it; my mom, Amir, everyone. I remember that I had dinner with Amir a few  nights back and I was so pissed when my mom asked me to come home quickly, saying that she was hungry at 930PM when I clearly know that there are dinner at home, and Amir did not remember my schedule. I clearly snapped and stormed out of McD. He tried to coax me but I felt really hurt. I felt that none of them even appreciate the things that I am having on my shoulders, or at least have the courtesy to understand the workload that I'm going through.

I was really feeling detached with Amir for a few days after that. Every text from him felt like a disturbance, and I don't even bother to entertain him or say 'I love you' before going to sleep. I was really out of place and out of touch with him. I could not find the purpose of being with him anymore. I felt that he didn't want to understand me, or didn't want me either. I could not find the reason to stay, and I was actually considering for a breakup. That was so absurd! Every single person that knows me on this planet is clearly aware on how much I love Amir and how I value him in my life. At that moment, I felt that my whole life was crashing downhill. I had to either drag Amir in this mess or break him off for making sure that he is safe.

-but I know that I hate what I am feeling.

My team and I was supposed to set up at the IOC Clubhouse yesterday evening but we need to run errands and the organisers could not wait for us, hence we had all night to do last minute chores like grabbing the cakes that we should bring. I felt very empty while I was walking after parting with my friends, and I passed by the Sunway City intersection.

"I just need one reason to stay", I said to myself.

Hence, I turned my steering wheel towards the intersection, searching for the new shop that Amir is located at. I drove slowly, hoping to not be noticed by him. There he was, working on a car with his colleagues, probably discussing about stuff that I am not that adult enough to understand. I don't know why, but I felt that I was in the verge of my tears when I saw him from afar. I recognized him, my heart recognized him.

I took another turn around the block and stopped in front of a car not far from his shop. I didn't think that I was stable to drive, nor I was ready to go home, so I decided to Waze for a longer way home via the USJ route that Amir used to bring me to simply spend more time with me. As I was typing the location, someone knocked on my window.

-It was Amir.

I rolled down the windows. "You miss me already, sayang?", he cheekily smiled. I was stuttering when I came up with a lame excuse that I was around the corner.

"Sure, sayang? You don't have surprises for me?", He said while analyzing the interior of my car, trying to spot anything unusual. I smiled and shook my head.

He reached for my hand and held it tight. My walls shatter immediately.

"I miss you.", I became honest. "I'm sorry that I have been giving you the attitude, I am having a hard time".

"I know", he said softly and caressed my cheeks.

There, I found my reason to stay.