"What day is it now, you?"

I never counted the days. In fact, whenever he askes, I would just stick out my fingers and count how many months has it been and multiply it by 30 days, believing that the figure might be somewhere there. The last time I checked was like, I don't know, three months ago since the last time he asked? I am bad at remembering dates. I usually get confused, and now I am still confused. Is it 28th or 29th? I am very scared to ask him since I had already misspelled his name on his birthday gift, and it was a book, and I was noted on how he hates reading, and he notified me on how to spell his name correctly before, I don't want to look more ignorant. honestly, i believe that might be the gift that he least likes among all the gifts that he got. I'll make a bigger effort next year, if, we can make it.

honestly-
that is also something I am unsure about.

what kind of songs should I dedicate this post with? Spaces by One Direction, Two Ghosts by Harry Styles, Flicker by Niall Horan? (omg all of them used to belong to One Direction too, explains why I am a Directioner myself).

he isn't the person that I used to know. I don't know if he's really being in his own skin and he was playing pretend with me all along, nothing is certain. it seems that he has gone back to his solitude, and I am out of words, out of ways to pull him out to let him feel the sun as the rays kiss his face. I tried, by all means, I tried. I don't know where is this leading me to. the distant feelings are much hurtful that being separated by miles. surprisingly, between all this emptiness, everything unfolded one by one. I began to know, I began to understand what happened. for all this while I have avoiding myself from the painful truth from the past that I never want to get involved in, and the haunting thoughts that surrounded me all along, had revealed itself. but anyways, it gave me a hard bang on my head and got me back to my senses.

I don't long for his heart- I have accepted the fact that is something that I won't ever own no matter how hopeful I am for a miracle to do so. honestly, I just want him to have himself back, as for having himself back will make me have a part of myself back. imagine, losing the first person that would readily greet you as you open your eyes and will be the last one to wish you before you sleep off the night. the person that will share his discoveries and observations on people, and his inferences on them. you might be a total rule breaker, but he will be the only person that can tone down that wildness in you, but at the same time can tolerate your craziness. the person that listens and remembers your traits and even knows every detail of you without you telling him. one of the people that will hit you up and say, " you're not alright. I am here for you, I promise.". a person whose laughter can quickly chase your wild thoughts away.

-imagine losing such a good friend that has thought you to casually taught you to live with his presence and suddenly he isn't in the picture in a blink of an eye. it doesn't matter if he returns or not, but the lost will leave you with much space in your life until you don't know what to do with them, and the good times that you had will echo back to you. and it's hurtful.

I don't know what is ahead of me, of us, of all these. being out of school has made me scared than ever, being totally alone in facing what the future has in store for me. I will still continue to do the things I love; writing for magazines, making music, rant on my blog. but it is the idea that I will do this with all the people that I love in this close circle of mine, and losing one will definitely make a huge difference.

begging people to stay in my life will be too much to ask, but just so they know that they will always have a place to turn to at the end of the day, no matter how much damage has been done and the wreckage that has been felt.

but silently,
- I hope that I don't have to stop counting.

 

"Leen, do you want to know my biggest fear of leaving this place?" , Ell said while we were pointlessly hanging around the balcony, with the wind gently blowing our faces. I swear it looked like a Hindustan movie where Shah Rukh Khan was having a deep talk with his best friend, Hitrik Roshan.

"What is it?"

"To be emotionless again. Rasa kosong."

"You live when you feel", I said. "You don't live when you don't feel."

"That is the problem", Ell said. "At least I know that I'm living. I can encounter my depressions when I feel these kinds of emotions."

I looked at her. "Ell, we're the opposite. I can't wait to leave because I can't wait to feel the emptiness again".

"What do you mean?"

"I feel a lot here, and I am easily depressed, I don't know how to handle my sadness, my frustrations healthily. There is so much going on and I tell you, if this happens outside, I might as well not care."

"But how can you learn to handle them when you don't feel?"

"It is better to be numb that to feel everything and be self-destructive. I might as well not feel"

Before SPM, we had a salam batch where everyone will seek forgiveness from each other. I salam-ed everyone until I reached Addie. She hugged me tight and whispered to me,

"Asking questions to the ceiling
Not knowing what you're thinking
I'm afraid-
that what we had is gone"