Monday, 23 May 2016

Diary 101:Finding Myself

                                                         "Who am I?"

  That question is repeatingly popping out of my head and kept bothering me.I don't even know who am I.I don't know how to define myself.I don't know what is my personality.I don't know what should I do in the future like in 5 minutes from now,I don't know.It gets blurrer as I grow.

  At some moments,I feel like I am living in a life full of lies.I am uncomfortable with my own skin.This cloth that is on top of my head right now,was covering my hair up due to judgemental society back in elementary.I don't have a stand for myself.It was all separated by a line back then,an angel covers up,a hellman displays.I remembered every single time people would label me things that were inappropriate that forces me to be someone that I am not to fit into the society.

  But this cloth isn't bothering me.I know my responsibilities towards God and my faith and I know that this raging feeling in me will calm down.I asked my mother about going to freehair again but my mother was unpleasant with it.I can't do things behind my mother's back,one thing for sure.I'll stay to be obedient.This intention will sooner or later will be only for The Almighty,In Shaa Allah.

  The most interrupting issue is,I don't know what is my purpose of living.What am I even doing here in this moment,like,right now?Why am I studying Pure Science,why am I born into this kind of life,why am I this why am I that and lots of whys.Why am I even writing this to be read by a few kind anonymous readers about my messy self while I can choose to potray that bold me?

  Worst,the person that I trusted most broke the promise that he made publicly in sheets of readable paper.

  At the end of this post,I still don't know what will happen later and who is this soul nesting inside these bones for support,but I'll keep searching.I'll let people leave if they want to,I won't beg them to stay anymore.I'll never give up.I'll find myself.


Thursday, 19 May 2016

Diary 101:Things that I Still Can't Do Although I am now 16

Sweet Sixteen to me everybody!💥💥💥💥💥
(No party was organized,Physics ruined my day,no cake,no presents.....oh!except for my fav spicy chicken from Najwa.Thanks Wa! 💓)

Instead of doing a wishlist on what I want to achieve,my dream goals yadayadayada because I know I will never ever achieve all of them especially in academics,so I decided to make a list of what I still can't do/the skills that I haven't inhert from supermom and herodad up until today.Talking about academics,I have a new ambition people!I want to become a vet!

1. I don't know how to bake my face properly
     This includes not mastering the art of contouring my face with foundation,wering lipstick like a splashy paint all over my mouth,wearing eyeshadows like Joker and all other non-feminine stuffs in the world.But seriously,in this era of modernization where teenagers have more than 20 shades of lip kits in their drawers,this is getting out of hand for me.It just proves that I am still not a lady.My friends would always laugh at me when I apply powder on my face.Ugh this is truuuuly annoying.Conceeding to the fact that I am already 16,I honestly think it's time to at least know how to apply powder to my skin,the right way.

2. I don't know how to cook
     As a Malay girl and your mother is the best cook from all her sisters in the family after grandma,this is terrible.I know how to cook frozen foods because duh all you have to do is fry them in a hot pan of oil and taraaa that's it.Once I had an attempt of cooking Rendang Nogori,I had a huge argument with mom and right after that the plastic in the blender was BLENDED with the WHOLE kuah.The rendang was nice and everyone didn't mind eating plastic because you don't even feel it when you eat it but how many blenders should be sacrificed in every meals man.Biggest reveal,I don't know how to cook rice.I knew it once but that is because I did it once and then mom did the job of cooking the rice(and cooking everything that we have in the fridge/make drinks/prepare dessert)and I will be the wasing girl,washing plates.I am worried of myself if I will have to migrate abroad and I don't know how to cook,I will starve.Malaysian and Malaysian Food is inseparable.Forever.

3. I don't know how to wear heels
     Forget about court shoes,I'm talking about stilettos.Here's my dilemma;I am short but large.I've heard stories of large people getting their stillettos break off and hell no I don't need that kind of embarassment infront of people while walking in the mall or queueing up to buy ice-cream at McDonalds #largepeopleproblems.I want to wear heels to balance the proportion of my body but insecurities are killing me.New resolution,wear heels.

4. I don't know how to move a car foward/backwards
    Conclusion:I can't drive for god's sake.There's this one time that I want to be a good daughter and would like to wash my mother's car but the gate was locked and there was not enough space to wash it in the house compound.I called up a friend of mine and asked on how to do so.Pulling up the gear,pressing the petrol pad or whatever you call it.I panicked and screamt like hell because I felt like crashing the gate.Thank God I was able to push the brake pads on time.I'm going to get my license next year and I'm not so sure of passing the parking test.
Yep,I think that's all that I don't know.Actually a lot but this is the most basic for me as a 16-year old teen in the city.Everyone has their own strength and weaknesses and how to pull it off:slay everything.Be the jack of all trades and be a master of one,two,three or all if you want to,because you can.

Wrapping up my sweet sixteen night,just believe that whatever comes in our way,all iz well.Always.

P/s:Sorry for the veeeery big picture.I copied it from my iPad.Ugh Blogger please sync your apps to Apple please!

Xoxo (because it's my birthday),