There has been an empty void in my heart, and it means no good. I hate it when I feel empty. If I am sad, even for days, I am more comfortable knowing that I am living, breathing, and are able to feel emotions, but this? I am not sad nor happy, it is...empty and I don't know what to fill it with. It has gone to the extent where I am speechless when I meet God as I hold my hands to pray on the praying mat. I would usually have something to talk about, but I blankly looked down. I have many thoughts running through my head, but flashbacks suddenly are just....a replay of an incident, like a boring movie that you are uninterested of and you ended up sleeping at the cinema. If someone were to ever ask you about your review about it, you would just say, "oh, don't watch it". No emotions attached, no descriptions needed. Wait, every action needs an emotion, a trigger to respond. Oh, this is so much complicated and worse that I thought.

I waved back at my dad from the door as he reserved his car and leave my household. I thought that he would take me out for dinner, but he hastily started his engine and asked me to open the gate. As his car went out of sight, I pulled the door with one hand and locked it with a heavy feeling.

"Haih, kena tinggal lagi".

I used to climb back up to my room as soon as the lights at the living room were switched off, but I became comfortable with the dimness and sat at the edge of the stairs. The heavy feeling was unbearable and cannot be described. I couldn't cry, which means I wasn't actually sad. It was more of an empty and hollow feeling that I couldn't contain.

A lot of the people that I love had left me. The painful part of it is- they are alive and breathing, they can physically be right infront of me, or at any parts of the world, but they are no longer with me. Their connection with me are long gone.

The first, significant loss of mine is the first person that I mentioned at the beginning of my story- my dad. All my life, I personally felt that my mom was the only one contributed in my developments. He was present, alive and breathing, but he is no longer with us as a family. That was what I felt about it. That was why I tried to find the leading man trait and the father figure somewhere else- in my friend's fathers, their older brothers, and significant others. I never felt the sense of security, care and protection from a man, and a father should be his daughter's first love, but I guess that wasn't mine.

I am not making excuses for myself, but I think that is why I have a very different character with my significant other or my remaining loved ones. I may appeal as an independent woman when you start knowing me, but as we click and have a strong relationship with each other, I will switch my personality to be dependent and clingy. I am insecure as well. I have a tendency to question back my significant other everytime he says "I love you", and I can actually overthink when he doesn't say it throughout the day. I am so afraid if he suddenly find a reason to stop loving me and just leave like everybody else. I don't know if this is considered psychotic to some people, but I am telling you straight up that this is what you will deal with me, and on this blank space, I am the most honest.

This level of insecurity may be extreme that I, myself can't find ways to handle it, but I have read this one quote before on Instagram, saying that you will someday find a love that you don't even need to question about. Whenever I meet someone, I always pray that God will let me keep that person in my life. I really hope that day will come soon.

It was 5.45pm, and the traffic is slowly moving, slower than a tortoise. Well, the tortoise did won the running competition with the hare after all, and I was sure that I would finally make a turn before the Sunway toll, just not sure when. Most of the songs on shuffle were R&B and EDM, but it couldn't entertain me. I just wanted to go home and have a warm bath in this drizzling, rainy weather. I kept turning the air conditioner on and off. I guess my body is as confused as my mind too.

My eyes were wandering around the surroundings until my phone stand caught my eye. I rarely use my phone stand because my phone will always topple a few seconds after I put on it. The funny thing about the phone stand was, it comes with a picture of a young, blonde Caucasian woman posing with her black shades.

"Eh, gambar siapa tu?", Tassia pointed her finger towards the phone stand.

"Taktahulah, it comes with the phone stand, I don't know how to take it off", I replied from the front seat while adjusting the air-conditioner. 

"La, I thought it was some celebrity ke apa. Come, let me cabut this for you". Dan took off the case and took out the picture from the phone stand and slide the case back on. He slipped the picture at the holder of the driver's seat.

My fingers started to roam around the holder at the driver's seat to look for the picture amongst the sea of Touch n Go receipts, but failed.

I have always been dependent on Dan. He will drive for me when he's around and walks me to the carpark. Sometimes, he didn't walk me to my car but he would make sure that he gave me a goodbye hug and watch me walk first before he goes up to his room. He completes me more than I complete him, because he has the traits that I have and beyond. I know that I scare him sometimes when I drive so whenever we're together, he would never dare to close his eyes.

"Dah bukak lampu belum?"

"The steering wheel macam beratlah. I'll check for you later"

Basically, Dan did all the men's (and all the things a woman should know too) job for me. That is how I show my affection with a person, by being dependent. I know that I have the utmost capability to do almost everything myself, but the feeling of being taken care of is a good feeling too, you know.

I may have not done much for him, but I would always pay attention to his daily wellbeing. He falls sick easily and tends to get overhyped, especially when playing basketball. I would always ask if he has eaten, or how many hours did he spend to play just to make sure that he didn't tire himself out. I may not ask him every single day, but I would always listen to his remarks when he talks to our friends or anything. I would always tell him to eat, and he would think that I am ridiculous and say, "Of course lah I eat". That is the least that I can do to repay his kindness. Not to mention that he would always defend and protect me on campus too. Whoever that has done something wrong to me will definitely get it, and no one has gotten it so far, but don't try. Just don't.

The moving car stops me from keep walking down the memory lane. I hit the pedal and moved forward. I should do that with life too, keep on moving forward despite the people that I have loved and lost, but I have heard of second chances, is it possible if I were to take a step back, correct my mistakes, and leap three steps forward instead? Is it possible if I were to take a step back and take Dan with me to walk along the pathway? Is it possible if I keep on walking and Dan taps me from behind while panting to chase me and walk with me?

I turned off the engine as I parked the car at the right corner of the porch. I arranged all my stuff to be carried out. My eyes passed through the phone stand again as I opened the door. I stopped for a good few seconds and walked out.

I miss you, Dan.

I have fought.