Wednesday 22 April 2020

When We Meet Again

01:20:00
when we meet again
in spring
i hope that flowers will bloom on every step that i take to walk to you
and the wind blows softly whenever you chuckle 
i hope it messes your hair
so that i can caress and fix it
i hope it blows a little bit harder
and give chills to your spine
so that i can warm you with my hug
i hope it continues to blow
so that i can hug tighter
and redeem all the weeks
days
and hours 
of not being able to
even catch a sight of you

i hope that the streets are crowded
so that the walk becomes longer 
so that our fingers will be intertwined
we’ll get to be accompanied by city lights
and my head on your shoulder
during pointless drives around town
but take me further
so that we can pay back all the times
we had to be away from the road

i wish that there is a sale 
when we wander around malls
so that i can quickly shut you up with a kiss when you start to lecture on how i don’t need most of the items on display
you never knew that everything with price tags are nothing compared to your worth to me

i wish that i can steal the moments
and i wish that i can kidnap you out of this quarantine.
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Drown

01:19:00
i am asking myself
over and over again while
cringing under the shower
downpour at 1 am
"what did i do wrong?"
replaying like a mixtape
i feel like banging my own head
to the checkered walls so that
I don't have to remember any of 
these again.

i am grasping for air 
while my own lies drown my 
face into a basin of truth
but please,
i plead,
push my head deeper
until my heart sinks
so it doesn't have to feel the pain
as it shatter due to the vows you
never promised.

don't pull my strands of hair to
pull my head
please don't save me,
i beg.
i don't want to rest my temples
at the edge with bloodshot
eyes and dry myself with a towel
and strut out looking just fine.

Please,
leave me.
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New Year’s Eve II

01:16:00
I held his face and made it closer to mine. it was one of our rough nights again, after endless cries and pouring hearts out of our ribcages for .. how many times, i don’t even remember. 

“This is exactly why I never want to lose you”, he said, while holding my hand. 

“Why?”, I asked with a raspy voice, straight out from crying. “What do you mean?”

He held his breath, trying to put his mind into words and finally said,

 “You make it so weightless” 
I whispered to him, “I want to be your safe haven”

“You have always been”

A trickle of tear fell down his eyes. “Oh god, I broke the record”

I chuckled and kissed his forehead. “I love you”, and wiped his tears.

I remembered asking him in the earlier phase of the conversation. “What are we even holding on to?”, he answered nothing. 

As the conversation grew, I realised that the thing that we held onto is only each other. We may have a thousand rough nights but we always held each other at the end, convincing ourselves that we will try, and try, and try, again. 

I will try and try and try again for you, Amir Suffian. I always will try and try and try again until we make it. We will make it.
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New Year’s Eve I

01:15:00
“whenever you say that i don’t chase you, i don’t want you....it gets me so frustrated because people always say that to me to guilt trip me when they already have the intentions to leave me”

I saw his eyes getting watery when I looked up. “It gets me so frustrated...” 

I held his face. “I love you” 

I put my forehead near his and my eyes met with his. “I love you, okay? I say the things that I said because that is how I feel and I want you to do something about it. I’m upset of the littlest things because I love you. I love you so much, okay?”

He closed his eyes. “I am doing something for us. I’ll keep wanting you. You are the last person that I text because you are the last person that I wanna talk to before I sleep. You will always be my priority.” 

I just held his face for a very long moment and kept comforting him with the “i love you”s that i meant with all my heart. He owns all of them, and as the love grows bigger, this heart will always grow fonder of him, forever. 
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