The thing about life is this; it traps and flies you to cloud nine and pushes you off to the hardest ground.

Now, I know how it hurts so bad that no ER department can accept this patient.

Sigh.

I tend to priortize people in my life and I tried my best to make them see and feel that they are important. I would share the most unlaughable joke on Twitter, tell them about my days especially what's happening in college, rant to them about everything that is unpleasant for me, cry to them on the littlest twist, be extra mengada and suddenly can't do anything and asks for their help because I want them to know how much I need them. I truly love them very much.

In return, I just want them to stay beside me on every birthday, graduations, success, heartbreaks, on every journey that I embark on. Even when they're incapable of doing anything, I just want, and beg them to stay. Everytime my forehead touches the praying mat, I only hope for God to bless me on everything that I do because there's nothing compared to what they have done for me and my success is the only joy that I can bring for them, especially the top three.

Today, I learned that how much you make someone so important in your life, you can't ever expect the feeling will be mutual.

I understand that I can't expect them to listen to everything that I say and sometimes I just hit them up at the wrong time and they have their own worries too. I totally bear in mind that the world doesn't revolve around me. I comprehend that I'm not the only person alive in this planet and in fact, I make up only a person out of billions of this world and the spotlight doesn't have to be on me. I am consciously aware that I don't have any special talent like anyone else, but I make the effort to be present in the thunderstorms and rainbows.

Why am I the only one that has to tolerate the doubleticks, offensive sarcastic remarks, no-moods, tantrums and all but can't they as well when it comes to me? Why am I always the bad guy that seems to mess everything up? I am blind if it isn't obvious that I am only useful when in need of use. I don't know which is worse : being blind or blindfolded by all the memories that I have with them.

" Nobody is too busy. If they care, they will make time"

Honestly, I don't know how to walk away, and if I do, where? I am completely lost and at my weakest. God, please forgive and protect me.

The thing is this; no matter how much they hurt me and leave,

-they will always have a space in this small avenue with the size of a fist, my heart ❤️

  It has been 3 months since I have seen him, and he always told me how tired he was from the excessive workload on his shoulders, and I believed him today, as he greeted me with dark circles under his eyes. I wonder how many naps did he missed.

   We (including Haziq and Uwais) went for lunch and were brought to meet his mentor at Hulu Langat. I didn't expect that we were going to stretch our legs that long but what's a day off without a journey. I was the co-pilot, sitting next to the passenger's seat. I tried as hard as I could to be talkative and pull out topics when our conversations suddenly shut down since Uwais was heavenly sleeping behind, and Haziq, I was not sure if he was awake or not, but he didn't respond nor laugh to any of our jokes, so I guess that he dozed off as well. A lot has been brought up along the way, like his plans for education, our discussion on how motivators nowadays can easily make money by making people cry during townhalls, parenting issues, good books to read, preferred choice for universities, shafla detura (because we passed by Desa Tun Razak and I started singing 'kerja rumah sudah komplit' ), and much more.

   As we reached Hulu Langat, we met his mentor, Abang Naim  and sat down for a lecture session at a cafe' nearby his office while sipping our drinks. Abang Naim  knew me from the article that I wrote that he shared on Facebook, and asked me what was my plan for the future.

" I don't know yet.", I shrugged.

"What a simple answer," ,he said. I was not sure whether it was a sarcastic remark or he was complimenting my 'short cut' answer, so I decided to justify myself.

"I was planning on venturing into journalism seriously, but I thought that taking up a business-related course would be a good idea since my parents are business oriented, Cikgu is business oriented so I can have all the help that I need"-well, to be honest, I wasn't being honest with this statement.

I absorbed a lot of things from Abang Naim, including ideas for my upcoming articles at Affinity, especially regarding how the world actually works in general. This would be a lengthy, boring post if I describe it here one by one. We talked about our (our?) potentials. Haziq is an apps developer so they discussed on how Haziq can expand his talent and all in his app development and someday, somehow we will become partners for the company, and at this legit moment, my throat went itchy and I felt I was choked. I was planning to escape from this whole chain. I am not fit by all means to contribute/partner/take over the company especially beside these freaking awesome people that's even younger than me. I don't know what I did last year when I was 16. Seriously. In my mind I was like, "Um, thank you, but is there an Uber here? I need to go away before the expectations get higher"

Suddenly, Abang Naim faced me.

I told myself, "Maleen, this is the part where you're gonna die and burn in flames. Say your last word".

He continued, "Ah, you can become-"

Before he could finish his sentence, suddenly Cikgu put down his phone on the table that he played with as Abang Naim shared his knowledge with us.

"No. I want to let her do what she wants to do", I could sense the seriousness in his voice this time.

I was starstrucked and my heart began to ache.

Even on the way home, I tried my best to let all my gratitudes out but I couldn't. When he talked to me, I couldn't lift up my face because even thinking about me makes me sad, and I believe looking at his face only will make me cry.

This person that will only burst a laughter if he reads this, is the one that will bear with me how rebellious I can get. He will never drag me to the right if I walk to the left, and picks me up when I bleed and scarred. He calls me a brat and I can be very overlyattached at times but he reads all my ramblings on Telegram and answers my doubts. He is cool with me crossing my legs everywhere-the chair, the couch, the car seat, and never complain of me being rough than any other female students in the universe, and never push me to follow his footsteps to do whatever he is doing now. Instead, he let me roam free.

I acknowledge the fact that I have failed him so many times by being his nightmare type of student

-but yet, he chose to believe in me.

I even rushed in when he sent me home because yes, he teased me by right after he left and I was unlocking the door kind of story, and I couldn't convey my biggest gratitude to him.

Today, seeing his struggle, I promised to myself that I will make him super proud of me. Anything that it takes to make his effort in raising me up alongside my parents to become a person that I am now is worth it.

-thank you for being one of the best blessings that I have in life.

(I am not sweet like this everyday you better crown me a princess for real)

Xx,
M.

I was about to have my first quarterly test of the year when I had this conversation with E. I was struggling to read and memorize every line in my books and it was far after lights off.

"C'mon Leen,", E said, shifting her position on her bed. "Just go to sleep".

Still keenly looking at my reference book, I replied, " It was easy for you, E. You don't need to study a lot and you still score good grades".

"Do you want to know something?", E asked, after my statement. Now, I turned my back towards her.

"What?"

"I just think that I made it because I simply believed in Allah's work, and whatever He do is the best", E's tone was still playful but it was intense on the other side-me.

E continued.

"I don't even want to enter a boarding school at the first place. Yes, my parents want me to, but I don't even feel like it."

"But then, I didn't know how to carry out our religious obligations. Of course, everybody studied those by the ustaz and ustazahs at school but I just don't get it. I didn't understand why should I do those."

"So I prayed to Allah, and said, ' I don't know what your plan is, but if it could make me a better Muslim, then let me and lead my way'"

"Then, I entered this college. We do play hard here and all, but most of us took our religious obligations seriously. We took our prayers seriously, we took our Quran readings seriously. I learned a lot here, and safe enough to say, I have become a better Muslim, better than I was before."

"Put your outmost faith in Allah, Leen.", she ended her story, "as He is the best planner".

-and I have ended my quest in searching on what did I missed for the past 17 years of my life.

I dreamt of your death for
the third time.
I was shivering after I woke up
because I could feel the warm
marks of your fingers
on my right arm when
you gave me a tap
and I can't focus at
any theory in my thick books
even after distracting myself
with rave music and a short nap.
It eased a bit after that, but
school felt like forever
it started to crawl and knock
down my brain.
"You cannot leave this"

You don't know that I cringed
and tears were about to fall
from my cheeks when the public
phone couldn't accept more than 10
digits and your number had 11,
and waiting for 4pm is like
departing my soul to a
tragedy island.

I thanked God when
you said you were just tired
and when I talked about it,
you just randomly crack jokes.
I was angry because you didn't
understand how crucial this is
for me,
but Wa said maybe you
just wanted to calm me down
and assure me that everything is alright.
You wanted me to not worry.
I don't know but I never have
the wildest thought of losing you
as I never thought of breaking
my spine

-and I pray hard that I don't have to.