Thursday, 29 October 2015

Tuesday, 27 October 2015

Diary 101:Approach

Take this as Science Stream Pt. II.Following my teacher's advice,I finally told my mother by asking her how to perform Solat Istikharah.It's a prayer when you are unsure of something,whether it is good or bad for you,with God's will He will show you the answer usually by a dream or opening the Quran randomly and read the first sentence.This prayer is synonym for people who wants to determine whether their lover is the best choice to be their bride/groom,but I ain't got time for that.So,when she said, "Why are you performing Solat Istikharah?" There goes my tale.

Being an Asian parent,she blurted out on life sometimes don't give choices,she took Science Stream and became who she is now and it is better for me and yadayadayada.I wanted to take her words as a motivation but it didn't help because all I felt was being downgraded.Totally I'm down in the dumps.Being sentisitive as I am I somehow cried a little but I overcame it quickly by having a mad dream last night of me and a guy friend(I can't recall his face) going on a school trip into the woods and madness happened.A bit of running here and there and everywhere,sigh.I've been having tiring dreams for a week now,don't know why.

Back to the story,I told my teacher that I told my mother.He wanted me to take Science Stream too,but in a different approach by saying "I prefer you to take Science Stream because Science Stream students write better and literature can be learnt anywhere.Since you have the skill in emotional writing,by taking Science Stream it'll polish your logic and reasoning." He even said that Literature=Emotional and Science=Objective.He always say that my logic sucks.Meh.

See the difference?I love my mother so much but I am somehow conviced when my teacher said like that with a concrete reason that is related to the thing that I love most,writing!He even gave me goals to publish a book or 2 by next year and have a publishing house of my own right after SPM.He's the most stoned person that I know but I'm glad that he actually,care if I don't have a job after getting my degree from Cambridge and to make sure that I can do what I do best?Is that the accurate definition?Double meh.

Anyways,I'm feeling much better now and more determined to face upper form next year...NOT!


Diary 101:Science Stream

Hi guys!Enough with sad poems so let's have a chill talk.Last Monday,my Malay teacher had this session of an introduction to Form 4 and it was VERY SCARY.TRULY SCARY.We had to do 2 ESSAYS in a couple of hours and a quarter.(Do they think that this is a marathon or something?I'm out nah uh no I'm gonna do my thang writing poems only nah uh don't try to drag me.)
After talking about the exam paper,she sat down on a chair and told us, "If you aren't capable of science stream,then don't.By being uncapable means that you can't master Maths and Science completely,so don't.Really,It'll be hard for you.I'm not asking you to go out from the school,but lower down your ego,forget about names so at least you can ace for SPM rather than having bad results",
It made me think DEEPLY.The whole world knows that I am terrible in Maths and Science is okay-okay,not the flying colours type,HOW CAN I STUDY ADDMATHS,PHYSICS AND BIO LIKE THIS?But,if I tell my mother,she will blow up and say she somehow succeeded in SPM although she failed her Physics and keep blaming her teacher for that.WELL IF I COULD I WANT TO DO THE SAME TOO BUT BLAMING PEOPLE IS NOT GOOD AND YOU WILL BLAME ME LATER ON BECAUSE OF FAILING AND ASHAMED OF OUR RELATIVES AND YOUR FRIENDS FOR MY RESULTS.THIS IS WHY WE GET STRESSED OF ASIAN MUMS AH ALL YOU PEOPLE WANT TO DO IS COMPETE LIKE A RACE FOR VARIETY HAIRED PONIES(I only said this in my head full of rainbows,I would be smacked at the face if I really tell her this).Deep in my heart I do understand her worry.She's been through a lot and she only wants to see the best of me.My mother supporting me to be a lecturer after crushing her dreams of seeing me wearing a labcoat is already heavenly.

I'm not breaking the news to my mother yet,so I contacted my teacher about this.In my life,these 2 people are enough for giving me useful or sometimes non-useful-just-general-knowledge-or-survival-kit advices.He said, "Idk.Can't tell just like that.What's your dream?What you wanna be?" YOU TELL ME WHAT I WANT WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY WANT.Are you singing as well?Hehe.

So I explained to him from A-Z and the only thing that he replied was, "This kind of drama,you really need to tell mama".OKAY,THIS IS AN URGENT MATTER.He used to help me solve my problems ALONE.He used to be Iron Man.USED TO.

So,I began to search about which stream should I take and I found this blog from Cikgu Halimi and he gave a few tips on how to decide.In the end,I need to turn to God for everything in this world.From the God we came,to the God we return.

So that's my dilemma.If you have yours to share,you know where to find me!


Monday, 26 October 2015


I failed myself-for being too nice.

I remember and became too excited when
someone's birthday is coming up-
I cut my cake alone.

I struggled to make ends meet to make
people smile from their miseries-
When it was my turn they were reluctant.

I won't let them cry themselves to sleep even in
a slip second I would be present-
I curled up myself and imagined a pair of arms
wrapping me tight while weeping on the pillow
as a shoulder.

I cared too much about people-
Nobody ever did.

Sunday, 25 October 2015


Clifford nurtured itself with patience
until he became enormous from a tiny
I waited too but instead,
my heart shrunk.

At least Dora had a monkey with rainboots
to accompany her around places on the map,
nobody heard my cries when I was lost along
the trail.

Big Bird was around to comfort everybody's
I had to depend on sleep to wipe my clear tears,
or technically just leave it to dry up by morning.

I watched cartoons too much,
I watched cartoons too much.

True Love

Our nerves detect each other's presence instantly

My eyes lights up as they burn brightly upon
looking at your shining iris

My cheeks are smothered with the comfort of
your cushion lips,and that's how it goes
whenever we're going to be apart

Our fingers tangle and linger in the car,
whatever song comes out they remain

We may sharpshoot each other's hearts
with bullets and blades
But your arms still tuck me in even I
sneaked to lie beside you after you're
already sound asleep

Our legs sway in the same step everytime
but due to my sulks that you let loose and
your antagonise temper that I set free,
we managed to taste the bliss

We're weird,we're wondorous.

Certainly,this is true love.

Saturday, 24 October 2015


It's irony when I think about it
I only have 3 friends in the neighbourhood-truthfully
there's more but I never considered bypassers
as acquaitances

The teacher that I most fond of thought that
I am an attention seeker when I trust him with
the key to my darkest secrets

The people there are very sceptical-they
still badmouth me even after years I made my house
only as my hideout

I should leave,and I left.

But because of petty things like-
A cup of YuYu ice cream and
a pack of the best BBQ chicken wings in the world
at the night market after school on Wednesdays
Acute potato curry puffs only made by the hands of
my schoolmate's mother by the street for quiet
teas,I am absolutely attached to food
Lessons of life during cycling around that moulded me
to actually exist and continue living-


That's why maybe after months my house was sold I
still mistakenly write my address on forms and

In the chaotic conflicts,

-I found home.

Thursday, 22 October 2015

Don't Tell Her

Don't tell her
You  like to sit outside the cafe'
Opposite the window with an umbrella above your head
Force her to sit beside you although she likes
to read the lines of your forehead when you try to light 
up the sparks of the conversation directly
without shooting  your bold shoulders first
So you can save a spot if I ever walk-in for
a cup of latte,
it won't be awkward to say hi after a long time,
Not to forget about the air breeze that messes up my hair
so you can twirl your fingers and slide the sides to the back 
of my ears.

Don't tell her
Both of you slept in the sub instead of the master bedroom
Because you don't want to mistaken her eyes with mine
As she wakes up from her deep slumber
Recall the fights that haunted you from the day my feet strengthen 
to shrug your convincing whispers off and leave
Avoid from mentioning my name after you say 'goodnight' while
excitedly waiting for dreams of me falling into your arms
You do know that's definitely impossible,do you?

Don't tell her
You never collected any of Westlife albums during 
your college years
In fact,you despised them
You secretly keep one before returning it to me because
I loved to sing Seasons In The Sun in the car and not hearing them 
will hit you hard that no one will accompany you to work and
tell you stories about family and pet cats as she has her own 
Range Rover whilst I waited for the next bus.

Don't tell her
You bought cherry pie instead of apple crumbles for supper
because it resembles my rosy cheeks
Preferred ice lemon tea than soda during movie night outs
because a sip of carbonate makes me sick 



I brewed your despicable remarks
Added a teaspoon of your comforting comments that was scooped
from the shallow of the thesaurus
of touching song lyrics

Stirred the combination until the aromatic smell of doubt
and regret passed the hollow pathway of
my humid nose

I sipped it warm-heartedly anyway
Who knows if the icebergs in yours melt.



The whole world will blame you for the good deeds that you have done.
Calling your naivity and misunderstanding as stupidity.
Consoling you that you are a bimbo,even a bitch.
Telling you to back off from the spotlight and clean the backstage.
Your heart aches,it explodes within your chest but the larva can’t flow from your eyes.
Your bones crushes and break piece by piece,you are struggling to balance your walk.
There are so many tresures in the world and all that matters to you is a long,sincere hug.
When you feel nervous for an examination or an interview,you hold both of your hands together and intertwine your fingers just to feel that someone is supporting you and telling you “it’ll be okay”.
You can’t shut your eyes before you promise yourself that tomorrow will be better than today.
At the climax point,you suddenly fall into your knees,stare the wall and release the tears that choked up your throat for so long.
Yet,they still don’t care.They still feel that you are not an initial in their lives.
When this time arrives,
-come here.

Cigarette II


I don’t care anymore
Inhale those drugs like you breathe for the last time
Get addicted like how you craved for my lips
Mortgage the cash that was meant for my ring
Go away
Puff out your promises that form into clouds of my dreams
Stomp on my hopes with your sneakers
Throw my trust on your beliefs
Simply said that it is destiny 
Don’t touch me
Your bare hands with ashes of happiness
Your smell of regret
Your mouth with tongue intertwined with lies
Your pocket full of deathly risks
I’m not giving you a choice



As you inhale grammes of nicotines and tars,
The acid flows into your veins
Corrodes my lungs
Destroys my sanity 
You puff out smokes of my regrets
My frustations and sorrowful fears
You throw away my pillar of hope and crush your own promises with your sneakers covering your feet
Your friends have succeeded in driving you to the lane of thorns
As I have failed to drag you to the street of roses


This cushion seat comforts me
Holding me back as time drifts
Counting the lines on your forehead
Number of beards that you shave as they appear,
Apparently you want to look younger.
Cleaners mopping the floor at the eleventh hour
Just like you,sleeping early is not a daily routine
Even at 12 you are still keen to your rest chair watching Chinese and action movies
After a day of fixing loose pipes and maybe a lot more I couldn’t list them
If the door is unlock your eyes must be wide open
The least that I can ask now is do not ever shut them
People are waiting for their respective turns
Most of them are wearing slippers or sandals,the most presentable that they can be is wearing flats like me
But none of them are your favourite,Nike sneakers are preferred
You chose them by yourself during your birthday,never suggested
How does your mind can be young and free at 70 going to the other decade
Thank god you didn’t go to any arcades
Silent zone never made this building quiet
I wish some music can be heard
Caught you offguard playing Taylor Swift on your phone
I still question,did you download it by yourself or it is in your playlist since forever?
You need to answer this-don’t try to dissapear
The aunts’ clique are talking to one another
Chatting like our family at the dining table
You used to eat the last when everyone finishes
You don’t talk ridiculous things,you sometimes repeat the issue
We laughed at you,now we need a tissue
Strong and charismatic as your favourite action heroes
Do fight,this time make this right
We’ll stay,forming pillars
You won’t be defeated,this is only a small matter.
I promise.

/Pak Wan,your granddaughter does love you/


Compiments and gratitude
In my acknowledgements
I shower you-
Even when you bath me with shame.

Death never brought them apart-
But it only takes sweetooth mouths to pull you away.

It ended with a magical happy ever after-
While ours are only a tragic failure.

Tuesday, 20 October 2015

The Denial

I have never loved you
You are the ticket to the funfair where everyone wants to ride the merry-go-
Nausead with the brief ride,but at
least my nerves were numbed

Our figures never match
I found my alternatives
Your broad shoulder to
pour down my well of tears
The chest of yours where I can bury my head into
as mood swings me into the grey,rough clouds
Strong arms that are capable of catching me
after thrown to high altitudes for so long on
dark late nights

You are temporary
I made full use of your smile so when you
bang the door only my sobs that stucked
on your throat for you to keep

All this time,I just don't want to feel lonely
in a sea of crowds

Didn't you said the same?
There,we're both fair and square.


I used to listen to my mother
Talking about my cousin who lives under the same roof
Chatted regarding her uni mates who were in the same course

Being keen to her stories made me wonder
Is there ever anyone in this whole wide world

Mentioned my name while walking with the other pedestrians at the zebra crossing
"She used to look left and right like a duck even the cars stopped when the light turns red"

Simile my eating protocols with his sister's picky orders
"You're just like my classmate,she eats the chicken skin last too"

Mistaken a stranger,like
"I'm sorry,I thought you are my sister,she also has only one dimple when she smiles"

Goes up to the cashier at the bookstore to find my favourite book,
"I'm sorry,but do you have this book?my daughter said she really loves it"

Recalled embarassing-more-towards-memorable incidents during a reunion,
"Last week,we had an ample conversation on Facebook,we forgive each other yet we had an argument because she couldn't answer an easy Science question  a few moments after.Such a funny girl"

Even a simple
"I miss her" popped out during a prayer will do.


Thursday, 15 October 2015


"Don't you want to read my book?I dedicated a chapter for you".

I looked at your message,blankly.I did not feel excited nor happy that someone actually made  my attitude the turning point of the story or my humilliating moments as the climax.As much as I hate to admit that my fingers do linger for their tips to get a slide of the front cover,I killed curiosity and buried it beside the cat that it had murdered.
As far as public sees us close and definitely a team although petty arguments even about food never end,deep inside I feel very distant.It only took three years for me to become someone else.Crueler,with a soft spot.Stronger,even my heart had shredded like paper.Look how time changed me.See,how your words shaped me.They taught me that how hard I wanted people to stay,sometimes they are so eager to leave I can't get a grip of them.I let you,but the figure of yours are still there,somehow waiting for me if the world slammed me at the back or my tears needed full attention.You used to be home,and you still are.You told people that you wanted me to back away,so I did.I didn't really,either.I would run back to you to ask for a helping hand in juggling with new explorations that I'm unfamiliar with,or anything.Whatever you write in your book,I do not want to know.

"I'm scared to know the truth".


A midst of wind
You snatched my fright
Swept the cracks off the mirrors reflecting my horrendous past

A tangling tornado
Swirled into your enchanting fingers
Tapped to the mystical melody-the rhythm that accelerates my heartbeat

Slams of hurricane
Ran in circles-the grip of your hand went loose
Fell to doom-your arms lost their spells

A blow of dust
You dissapeared.

Post PT3

I've lost my voice because of screaming too loud after the last paper ends.YAY GOODBYE PT3 AND welcome upper form where physics,chem,bio and addmaths will steal my nights. 😪
After PT3 ended I felt that I am grown up now.I have to start thinking  about my future.Well,mama said I should wait until form 4 but hell no I ain't got time to juggle everything at once,with my goal to publish a book before turning 17,infinite pressure man.Infinite pressure.I'm not that active in college and i'll just follow my mood in doing things,like,how can I get a scholarship?This is stressing me out.Am I thinking too much?Maybe.
As promised,I will post poems as frequent as possible but do take note that I'm having camp from 17-21 October so do not expect new things during that period(except if you're a first timer here then you have a lot to discover)
Alright peeps,have a good day and night wherever you are and always wishing you the best in anything that you do.


Friday, 9 October 2015


Hi erryone!Sorry for the reeeeal long silence.I know that some of you check this blog regularly for some updates and walk out with dissapointment.I am studying and striving for the most crucial matter in life,which is...look at the title.Sigh.
As the tradition goes,I would like to apologise to everyone that knows me and has been following me up from my other social medias and do pray for the best,not just for me but for all of us the 21st Century babies.To my mom and my teachers,you all know that I love all of you eternally.Ehe.

P/S:Poem Marathon is starting on 16th October!Stay tuned!