"I rasa kita ada something yang kita kena bincang kan. We just senyap macam tu je"

When I saw that on my phone screen, I locked it to make it turn black and blank, like my mind. Wasn't that what you wanted for so long, Maleen? Wasn't this a chance for me to unfold all the claws and trails that have been holding me back from moving on? Wasn't this the closure that I have been begging in my prayers? Shouldn't I be happy that this time finally comes? 

My heart wasn't racing. It was beating at a very slow pace; you can see steep lines losing angles, fearing for them to form one horizontal line on the cardiac monitor. I began to lose my senses and instincts. I don't want to feel for anything or anyone. There is no use to have those humane abilities when no one is feeling the same in return. I began to believe what Piya said to me once, "maybe it is better for you to not understand at all". It was mad. I went mad searching for answers. As I tried to brush everything off my shoulder and chose to ignore, I slowly regained my sanity and focused on the other things in my life. It is a lie if I say that I don't remember him. The memories of him are like the wind; constantly there. I don't know about his part of the story but he was my companion, there were a lot of parts of our lives that we shared together. He was a part of my life. I can't throw the parts that built me. However, ignorance was bliss, they say.

I talked it out with him, asking only two questions; why did he leave, and why did he choose to come back. It was a misunderstanding; I didn't know. A glitch that broke relationships, broke us, broke me. A mistake that shattered down all of me. However, it was also the same faulty that made me start over and he discovered a new spark. 

                                 "Maleen"

                                    "Yes?"

                      "I'm sorry for everything. It was my fault. All of them"

I burst into tears when he said that. It was the first time that someone said that it wasn't me. Finally, I can shrug off some of the burdens off my shoulders. I felt very lightweight. Honestly, I can't even the describe the feeling. It was a relief. 

                       "When we're apart, I read everything on your blog for your updates. I know that you will tell everything there"

This empty blank sheet that I'm typing on is the only connection that I have with him. I remembered what he said during our early days of meeting;

                    "When you miss me, update your blog. I will read"

He asked me a few questions after, which were if I have ever written posts about another guy and whether his moon is still there beside his name on my contacts. Yes, all of us know the answer to question 1, and no, I erased the moon emoji from his name after a few months he left me, as I thought he did. I thought by erasing the specialties from him will make me forget how special he was in my life, but I never give that specialty to anyone else after him. I still reserve all that is his as it will be unfair to him. Besides, I want to make new memories, not recycling the old ones.

After the conversation, he left again, and I saw his picture with his new partner. I'll be lying once again if I'm not hurt. It took me two days of crying in the car on the way to college just thinking about it. 

When I took a deep thought about it again, I realized that he only owed me a proper closure, and he fulfilled it. He gave me my fair share of our story. In the darkness and empty spaces, his rainbow came to fill it up with colours and brighten his life once again. A rainbow is beautiful. It accompanied me when I was on the way to somewhere the other day. I am a sea, constantly moving and beating the shores, there is no way to calm me down. Nonetheless, there are people who find serenity looking at the motions of water, and I hope someday, someone will look at me in the eye and let go a deep breath and all the heavy burdens on his chest as if I am the reason for his peace and calamity despite the cracks that I make on the sand.

This is the end of our story. Beautiful and tragic, I would say, but that was how God answered my prayers. I have been asking him why and he only showed me when I was ready to accept that sometimes answers can be opposing to what you want to know. I have to thank Him for letting me share some chapters of my life with the man that would support, listens, and do everything for me when he could. He may seem playfully rude to his friends but he is genuinely the nicest man when he was with me. I'll miss him and our memories for sure; when I force him to smile in pictures, when he gives in during an argument, when he is excited to hear my voice, when he lets me suit him up, everything. 

I'll have to close it here, and to you, my favourite person, I hope that you will keep on smiling on every journey that you take. I hope that your life will be filled with light, laughter, and blessings from The Almighty; the prayers that we always say to each other. If someday, you are surrounded by four dead corners and you feel that you don't have anyone else to turn to-

just look at the sea, and I'll be there.

Xx,

M.

Masih banyak perkara 

yang kau tak mampu 

rungkai tentangku,

termasuklah rangkap-rangkap 

puisi ibunda yang ku simpan 

kemas dalam laci memori

namun hari ini,

kau telah membuatku menyelongkar

kosa kata dan butiran madah

untuk aku menyusun bicara

ini sebelum kau benar-benar tekad

untuk mengorak langkah dan

pergi mencorakkan pelangimu

dengan warna-warna abstrak

yang samar mataku menilainya,

namun tidak setanding hatimu 

yang klasik, hitam dan putih

yang lebih sukar untukku tafsir.

aku biarkan tanda soal menanti teman memberi erti, kerana aku

hanya seorang penulis dan bukan perisik.

barangkali kau akan kaget tatkala

meneliti cebisan warkah ini,

barangkali tercari-cari telefon bimbit yang sekian lama dibiar sepi,

mungkin terngiang-ngiang deringan nyaring dengan namaku terpacul di

skrin, menghadang senyum entah siapa-siapa sahaja yang menjadi tatapanmu

barangkali bisa tercabut pengemudi kau putar sambil melilau melihat ke luar jika ada kelibatku

maka ketahuilah cinta,

ini bukan petunjuk atau permainan kanak-kanak supaya kau mencariku dan memanggilku kembali.

perkataan-perkataan yang hanya mampu ku ungkapkan di atas helaian kertas ini hanya untuk buat kau mengerti

apa yang berselirat di antara hati-hati kita yang tersimpul mati.

Mengenalimu, cinta,

telah membuatku sangka bahawa aku telah bertemu dengan separuh nyawaku yang sekian lama terbang tak berjejak

namun aku telah membuatmu mengenaliku lebih daripada aku mengenali diriku sendiri sehingga

ia menjadi senjata untukmu

mengheretku kembali apabila aku benar-benar membulatkan hasrat untuk membebaskan mindaku daripada dibelenggu kisah yang tidak berkesudahan ini 

dan setiap kali kau dengar libasan besi,

kau akan pantas menggari tanganku dan memenjaraku.

bagaimana, cinta?

acapkali kau pergi setelah menoreh luka 

pabila sembuh kau muncul dengan

versi yang baharu,

harapan baharu,

seakan-akan kulitmu telah disalin,

dan luka yang lebih perit

dari sebelumnya.

aku akan pulih, cinta,

aku akan pulih.

namun sampai bila kau mahu berlari ke sana ke mari kononnya mencari identiti diri sedangkan

verifikasi itu hanya ada pada dirimu

sendiri?

berhentilah,cinta.

beristirehatlah.

Andai ada masih ada ruang dihatimu untukku, cinta,

maka lapangkanlah.

buanglah kisah lalumu,

jangan biar ia menghantuiku 

dalam setiap waktu tidurku.

andai tiada kesanggupanmu 

untuk melupakan trauma yang membinasakanmu,

maka izinkanlah aku untuk melupakanmu.

sakit, cinta,

sakit.

bersungguh-sungguh aku berdoa 

semoga derita merinduimu ini hanyalah sementara waktu.

jangan gusar, cinta.

aku masih berpegang teguh dengan janjiku,

namun kali ini,

aku benar-benar harus berundur.

ingatlah cinta,

walau tujuh benua memisahkan,

walau hidup dirempuh badai

jika benar takdir bersatu

pasti kita akan bertemu.