Monday 26 February 2018

Open This When You’re A Father

07:31:00
tell your son that he’s a warrior
with a bow in his hand,
striking arrows, ready to attack
but only attack when it helps
because just like his daddy,
he’s also a gentleman.

make your daughter believe that you are her first love.
hold her during heartbreaks like the first time you rock her to sleep in the same arms, 
make her sure that you’re not going to hurt her,
and make sure to kill the boy behaviour in every man that does.

let them address you as their “father” to their friends,
not “the old man”
as it speaks on how much love and wisdom you have inherited for them to pay you back with respect 

tell them about us.
convince them that they are not the only ones who have gushing thoughts by midnight
and it’s fine to be reckless and free
and it is alright to be sad but it is not when you lock it away from your sight 
and it is not clingy when you love each other’s company
tell them they are build to feel
and they are still human enough for
feeling less or too much.

i hope you’ll be the greatest father to your children

-even if they aren’t mine.

Sunday 25 February 2018

Routine

20:01:00
                   "Will there be a day that I no longer receive goodnight texts from you?"

                               "As long as I remember you, then I won't stop"

I become very insecure about my relationships with people, let it be my friends, or special friends, or even family. I've always heard of these promises, I'm used to this everyday texting routine until at one point they will leave me out of the blue without any warning. I am a person that programmes my mind and treat everything as a routine, so when they leave, they will change my routine and leave my days empty, like how they leave my heart.

I am used to this pattern until I become afraid. I can't afford the loss and the loneliness that comes after. I no longer can stand the pain of mental breakdowns that will wreck me to the core. You may look at me as an independent, focused girl, but the truth is, I'm absolutely not. I am not strong, I am defenseless, please don't take me as a challenge.

Somehow, when I think about it again, is it because of my fear of being left is blocking myself from being loved by the ones who truly love me? Am I too broken to be fixed, or it is just the mirror that is cracked? Am I busy counting the chances that I missed to notice the bottles of chances that I haven't take?

I am still searching for the answers myself, but the path that I am in is beautiful still. My mother still rides me to cool places to eat, my friends are only a type away and silly arguments with him make me smile every day. My prayer is, if he ever leaves me, like others did, I aspire to be as beautiful.

Wednesday 21 February 2018

Priority

22:42:00
2.20 PM

I'm currently at Chena's workplace and I saw her making drinks, so focused that she doesn't even know I showed up. I don't mean to disturb her so I let her be until the crowd lessens.

Yesterday was the worst yet one of the best days of my life. Worst because I had a sudden gastric attack, it was so bad that I needed to take a jab at the doctor's. I couldn't stand it at all, and it hurts like hell at my left hip too. Gastric attacks are not new to me, it runs in the family, but I was more concerned about why it hurt so much at my left hip instead. I went to the clinic and oh, boy, how packed it was! I was furious but I couldn't throw my temper because I was too sick, and I kept shushing Ma all the time when she gave me her lecture on taking care of my own meals, but at the end of the day she was the one who drove me to the clinic and made sure I had all my medicine before sleep. Mothers, they will babble all they want but they care the most.

I didn't have the energy to reply to any texts or calls, oh why on earth my phone beeps every 5 minutes at the wrong timing? His texts from him came in too, when I felt a lil' better after the jab, I replied,

          "Hey, I'm sorry I replied late. I had a gastric attack and it was so bad that I had a jab"

He was just waking up from his long nap from 5PM-9PM. He replied my text with a voice message,

               "Kau tahu, tadi kan aku bangun" aku ingat dah pagi tau. Aku rasa cam nightmare la sebab aku lupa wish kau goodnight. Aku fikir mampuih la perempuan ni bising pagi ni nanti",

-Aww. I healed instantly :')

It is nice to know that you are in someone's thoughts, included in someone's routine. You know, there was one time when I just wanted to talk to him after getting my driving's license, (also an excuse to call), he said he had a game with his friends, but he made sure that he'll spare some time. I called him, and suddenly his friends wanted to play another round.

                        "Oh, nak main lagi ke?", I asked, because I was afraid if he thinks that I'm invading his privacy and time with his friends.

                            "Nah, tak nak", he said and texted his friends,

                              "I'm not playing tonight"

-Aww part 2.

Oh gosh, how did I get so lucky.

Thursday 15 February 2018

Hesitate

07:46:00
11.11  PM

I had finally passed my driving license, I can ride flawlessly to campus now, phew!

Everybody knows that I'm not a fan of Lang Leav because of her poem and proses only focus on love as if it is the only thing that one should be thinking about. But as I was waiting for Piya and Aqil to come to the mall that we planned to meet up, I went inside MPH and saw her latest book, Sea of Strangers. I was attracted to the title and the cover of the book, and there was one that wasn't wrapped with plastic, hence I took one and indulged in it on one of the seats at the end of each shelf. It was realistic, it was beautiful, it was me. It was a remembrance of my past, dedicated to my future. If I could, I would have given each of them one copy of the book. One to reminisce, and the other to cherish. 

I stumbled upon a prose about knowing when it is right. If someone makes me see the universe better and reflects the best version of me when I look at him, why do I still need to hesitate? I have read a saying, 'Love is the only thing that time doesn't deter', so why need to worry about the so-called 'youth' that I'm going to lose? Love is about being wild and growing wise together. 

I don't fall in love easily like a bee flying from one flower to another, sucking the nectar and leave when it's full. I can be very pessimist, I would be enjoying the time of my life with the person that I am sure that I want to spend forever with while thinking about what will go wrong this time. Heck, most of the time I would like to pull up my car and drift on any highway to run away from my own feelings. I live in facades, I am afraid that this version of me might appeal to this person that the other doesn't, hence I hide it away in the store of my mind and let it out once I enter the room after bidding goodnight.  I can be cautious, yet very naive. I can be very independent, yet very clingy. I don't know which personality would you like, hence you decide to like the sweaters that you prefer at H&M.

-and there's this man, who is happy with both.

I was traumatized by my past relationship that didn't work out, like what if he was just a pretty break to another heartbreak? What if he was just being nice? I was torn apart, but he made me feel the spring breeze and the winter flakes coming down from the sky even though I've never experienced any of them. He made me fearless and carefree like a flying bird finally out of its cage. He was the one that somehow made me feel that this is right and it won't be wrong this time, but even if it does, we'll still land safely. Oh, how I hope this won't be wrong.

I texted him and dropped him hints but he seemed to not respond. He seemed to not understand as if I was just doing my random pickup line jokes. Is he actually hesitant with me? Or he found his serenity and security in someone else?

Honestly, this time, I do not know.

Xx,
M.

Tuesday 6 February 2018

The Good Side

08:05:00
 "Jom weh kita habiskan hidup kita dengan makan nugget"

Probably the sweetest thing that I have ever heard since the breakdown. Intentionally or unintentionally, it still sounds cute, like, someone who is down on the road with you, wants to spend his whole life with you eating nuggets and fries and chicken chop on weekends, haha. 

You know, I never thought that giving the chance to open up my heart to people after being hurt brings me wonders. He is not just a person, but he is a classroom. He lets me learn and understand more values in life and figuring out what this is all about. I understood the meaning of give and take. In relationships with everyone and anyone in this world, it is not one-sided. He tolerated with my rants about makeup, he was even enthusiastic and asked me to show the palettes to him, so I need to respect him when he does his things, when he does his training, when he is playing games, when he has his daily naps and when he goes out with his friends. Believe me, he will be in busy mode whenever he is doing everything above but he will definitely call or text back. He said he doesn't like notifications spamming his phone when he is playing his game but he will feel weird if none of them is from me. haha.


I like studying zodiacs, and he is a Libra. He doesn't like expressing his feelings. In fact, he hates Cinta Untuk Starla, like, who hates Virgoun? He hates melodramatic, sappy love songs because he believes that someone's devotion isn't centered on only love, hence you won't die without it, you won't break if it leaves. However, he isn't afraid to compliment, support and show his gratitude. He tells me I'm beautiful and hypes me up when I donned a nice outfit or put on good makeup or snapped nice pictures. He tells me that I'm cute in a Minnie Mouse headband and when I brush my makeup brushes (someone please tell me the logic) and comments the things that I buy and says it's cute too, but don't wear them when I'm out with him. haha. He is very supportive, he supports me in all my work (but I'm not sure if he reads this or not but-alah malulah) although sometimes he doesn't get them but he wants to know and he wants me to progress. All I ever wanted in the people around me is the kind of encouragement that pushes me up, and I am grateful that he accepts and embraces me as what I am- a hungry, baju kelawar girl. haha.

If you're reading this, my lazy husband, I have forgiven you for being forgetful. I have learned that you don't need to be precise and know everything about me, but it's the thought that counts. I laughed at every paragraph, look how happy how you've made me. You have helped me a lot in the healing process, I am feeling free and content. We may have ups and downs in the future but nah, let's chill with our nuggets while jamming to our 5SOS songs. Till then, I'll wait for your reply while you're doing whatever you're doing. 

- because you're one of the good side of things that I received.