I am afraid of heights
but thinking of you
makes me want to jump
from the highest building
to make up the courage to
follow you on Instagram

I loathe reading
but talking to you makes me read dictionaries from cover to cover
all editions of thesaurus
compiling lists of metaphors
just for me to end up being
silly and ask you a question
about the shapes of pizza.
but hey, i scored our first date
without reading any tips!

I never promise so that I will
get guilt off my hook
but do ask me anything,
ask me for everything,
i won’t hesitate to only say ‘yes’
and ‘yes’ is absolute,
probably the most optimist i have been for so long

but for you,
i will be brave,
and now i am.

i cannot say the things that you always want me to say
i may not be as conscious of your feelings as how you want me to
but
if i were to try
no sentence can complete the meaning of you to me
no numerical expressions can conclude on how much i love you
because it is too much.
and it is growing more and more than ever.

It would be better if i could not make you speculate on my feelings and say it myself
but this will do too,
i hope it helps.

(p/s: he approves!)

"Promise that you won't leave me", I said multiple times as my cheeks were drenched in tears. 

I have not been feeling myself lately with the massive workload that I have, from assignments to handling events with SHINE; I am exhausted.     My mood swings become unpredictable too, and everyone is affected by it; my mom, Amir, everyone. I remember that I had dinner with Amir a few  nights back and I was so pissed when my mom asked me to come home quickly, saying that she was hungry at 930PM when I clearly know that there are dinner at home, and Amir did not remember my schedule. I clearly snapped and stormed out of McD. He tried to coax me but I felt really hurt. I felt that none of them even appreciate the things that I am having on my shoulders, or at least have the courtesy to understand the workload that I'm going through.

I was really feeling detached with Amir for a few days after that. Every text from him felt like a disturbance, and I don't even bother to entertain him or say 'I love you' before going to sleep. I was really out of place and out of touch with him. I could not find the purpose of being with him anymore. I felt that he didn't want to understand me, or didn't want me either. I could not find the reason to stay, and I was actually considering for a breakup. That was so absurd! Every single person that knows me on this planet is clearly aware on how much I love Amir and how I value him in my life. At that moment, I felt that my whole life was crashing downhill. I had to either drag Amir in this mess or break him off for making sure that he is safe.

-but I know that I hate what I am feeling.

My team and I was supposed to set up at the IOC Clubhouse yesterday evening but we need to run errands and the organisers could not wait for us, hence we had all night to do last minute chores like grabbing the cakes that we should bring. I felt very empty while I was walking after parting with my friends, and I passed by the Sunway City intersection.

"I just need one reason to stay", I said to myself.

Hence, I turned my steering wheel towards the intersection, searching for the new shop that Amir is located at. I drove slowly, hoping to not be noticed by him. There he was, working on a car with his colleagues, probably discussing about stuff that I am not that adult enough to understand. I don't know why, but I felt that I was in the verge of my tears when I saw him from afar. I recognized him, my heart recognized him.

I took another turn around the block and stopped in front of a car not far from his shop. I didn't think that I was stable to drive, nor I was ready to go home, so I decided to Waze for a longer way home via the USJ route that Amir used to bring me to simply spend more time with me. As I was typing the location, someone knocked on my window.

-It was Amir.

I rolled down the windows. "You miss me already, sayang?", he cheekily smiled. I was stuttering when I came up with a lame excuse that I was around the corner.

"Sure, sayang? You don't have surprises for me?", He said while analyzing the interior of my car, trying to spot anything unusual. I smiled and shook my head.

He reached for my hand and held it tight. My walls shatter immediately.

"I miss you.", I became honest. "I'm sorry that I have been giving you the attitude, I am having a hard time".

"I know", he said softly and caressed my cheeks.

There, I found my reason to stay.

I lent Amir's camera for a tutorial class the other day. Mind you, I am a total noob, the DSLR camera is alien to me.

• “You need to have faith in Allah, sayang”. 

every time we hold hands
i will always be taken into a different dimension
we are walking on the zebra crossing
but the pebbled stripes change into shiny wooden floors
the pedestrians bow to each other
your red sweater changes into a tuxedo
and my headscarf turns into an embroidered veil
the traffic light will become a spotlight
that lights up the ballroom
the world is our dance floor
although we never really show our moves
but my hips sway as you put your arms
around them
like how you would wrap me in them
in every queue

every time we hold hands
i will always be taken into a different dimension
when you press my hand a little harder
i will stop and look at you
my veil has now become a rag
and my crown is not in place
and there is a shark at the tip of my toes
waiting anytime for me to fall
but you are my knight in shining armour
it is in your nature to save me from
deadly predators
or
angry uncles at the parking lot
or
my mom when we come home a little bit late
or
myself.

every time we hold hands
i will always be taken into a different dimension
different timezones
different eras
different outfits
different languages, although i'm only bilingual
but
you will always be my hero
and we will keep holding hands
forever.

Are we failing?

kita rupanya sama sahaja.

i don't know why did i fall in love with you,
i honestly don't.
from ten months
counting to five
moments with you are
relatively indefinite,
well,
i have always been bad at Maths.

i am not sure on what was it but,
does anyone ever tell you that
your eyes are the reflection of
your heart,
maybe that is why you cannot lie.
the way it compassionately look
at me when i tell you my endless stories,
the soft gaze that it give
when i dress up that you can't afford
to look away
it is an escapade,
full of promises
like a free fall
i am not scared
whether it is going to be
broken.

i don't know why did i fall in love with you
and i don't know why did you fall in love
with me either,
because you said i am a package
of all your pet peeves.
to be fair,
there are some parts that i may
not fond of
but those imperfections
makes you the perfect one
for me.

still,
i don't know why i fall in love in with you,
but i love you because of you,
and you made me love myself
even more too.

psychologists say that if you're
experiencing mood swings for
no reason
it means that you're
missing
somebody,
but i am nobody
to you.

i am not upset
that you're gone,
i am way past that
but i am afraid
of you being around;
it seems like my past
is breathing down
my neck and
reminding me
about the extra baggage
that i carry behind my
back
tearing up my eyes
and slitting my throat,
leaving me with no words
but to let you
come again.

but then,
that is how you will be.
you will only come
but you will never stay,
i no longer see a point of waiting
but my heart still is the
dumb teen that reads chic lit
that thinks that this is another story
that will have a happy ending

but she forgets that
she can have her happy endings
with someone else
another man that will make every
decorations in her house
lighted scented candles in her rooms
polaroids in her file
baggy T-shirts that she uses to sleep

worth it.

i hope that my heart now understands
that you are not that man,
and my head too, knows that.

Amir took me out for a birthday dinner at Chili's, my favourite Mexican/Western restaurant. It has been months since I have been there, probably the last time would be the end of last year. I was surprised to see the restaurant interior lighted up instead of having dim lights, enough for the cosy vibe.

I have always adored that place. The environment is comfortable and chill for an eat out and the prices of the food are relatively lower than other Western restaurant joints that I have been to such as Tony Roma's and TGI Fridays. My favourite pick will always be the Crispy Honey Chipotle Chicken Crispers. Frustrated to not find coleslaw as one of the sides on the menu, I substituted the corn on the cob with onion rings, hoping to make a healthier choice, but the onion rings came fatly battered. So much for a balanced meal, huh.

After the meal, we planned to drive up to Bukit Ampang. I remembered Bukit Ampang being one of the starter topics when we first talked to each other since I just came back from there when he first slided into my DMs. As we were on the drive, listening to Hollaback Girls from Gwen Stefani, Amir pointed out to the sky.

I was having lunch with Amir at Jibril. Apparently, the underground restaurant was not packed for a Monday lunch hour. There were some crowd hogging our space but we were still able to breathe while exchanging drinks and stories. Amir was determined to order the Couple Set because the last time we went there was during our first date. I told him to order the Single Set because it's cheaper and he jokingly said, "Yeah, I know, because we're not a couple yet, right?". Good times. Time is still good as long as he is still around with his fluffy hair after washing them that are at his neck's length. It doesn't mean that I won't love him if he's bald, but......can you not distract me from the purpose of this conversation, please?

We were casually talking while struggling to finish each other's portions on our plates. We came across a topic on how he draws the line by not lashing out to his mother. When he stopped there, I could not finish chewing and I felt guilty. I am used to lash out at my mom when she is shouting at me unnecessarily, but I am trying so hard to ignore her whenever she does that as I get older. Since Amir is around, my mom would always use Amir as a bait whenever she thinks I'm disrespectful when I think I'm not because that is how I talk to people in general. She will go, "Nanti kalau Amir dengar, Amir suka ke?" "Kalau Amir ada dekat sini, dia suka tak?"

My mom was right. He doesn't.

I confessed to him on how I am still struggling on my anger management. He kept quiet, he listened but he didn't judge. He never does. He gave me an emphatic look, trying to understand what was in my head. Probably he did, but he still listened anyways while slowly caressing my cheeks. That is the comfort of talking to Amir.  I may have done shitload tons of things before and in the present but he always wants to understand from my point of view.  He is like my safe haven that I can be vulnerable with.

I think the prominent reason on why he chose to take a step back instead of starting a four-hour lecture on manners with me instead is because I am a teenager. Not saying that teenagers have the excuse to be rude, but mainly because we don't really realise how we act sometimes. He is an adult, been through the phases that I am going through hence that was how he understood. Maybe, that was why he was so calm whenever I tell him my teen tales, because he has gone through the same thing and probably had reacted the same. He always tells me that he wants to protect me from the things that he has seen in this world, but attacking or verbally lashing out at me were never his options when he wants to teach and tell me that I am wrong, or I was wrong before.

After lunch, we went straight to the bus stop at the LRT station because Amir needed to head straight back to work. I looked at him while he was looking through his phone, feeling grateful. The littlest things that we found on our discoveries of each other along the way makes me appreciate him more and more each day.

Xx,
M.

"How was class baby?" Amir texted me as soon as I finished all my classes for the day. I was stretching my body on a counter chair at Starbucks and keeping myself awake since I want to finish my in-class assignments for Online Journalism while waiting for the traffic jam to die down.

"It was fine sayang", I answered briefly. There was nothing much that happened during the day other than having two lectures and two in-class assignments. The mediocre Communication student life I would say; writing and brainstorming all day long. Nothing interesting for me to tell him. He was my senior anyway, he had been through this too.

My phone beeped again. Expecting an "Okayyy" or shifting the conversation to a new topic, Amir said,

"Fine je babyyyy?"

Oh wow, this is new to me. I would not say that guys hate to listen to our rants but most of the time they are forced to listen. This is the first time that I was asked to elaborate more about my day although it's plain and unseasoned. I continued to talk about the in-class assignments that I had and my attempt on completing it before we go for dinner together. It speaks a lot on how he genuinely cares about my wellbeing in general and makes me feel loved.

We always overlook on the importance of asking people how their day went and just let them talk about it. It may look simple because we usually use it for conversation starters all the time but it does help a lot especially to check on our loved ones. It helps to uplift their spirits after going through the same thing over and over again every single day, and calm them down and give them an outlet to vent when they are having a rough one. The key point here is to just listen with empathy and compassion.

This act of Amir may look small, but I am definitely taking note and giving him credit on how he always reminds me of the values in life that I may overlook on how big the role is in our lives. I am happy that I have a partner that would always let me talk, and I hope that the ample space given by him will not make me selfish to also give him an outlet to speak up too.

So, how are you? Let's talk!

Xx,
M.

Despite being controversial as a person, I still binge to Melanie Martinez's Crybaby album because it relates to me in so many levels. I'm not supporting her but good songs are good songs and good art should be celebrated. I'm just doing it some justice. 

tak semua yang
kau inginkan akan
terdapatkan,

namun kau
pasti dapat
apa yang
kau perlukan.

dan
sepertinya Tuhan
mengatur pencarian ini
dengan syarat klasik;
usaha, ikhtiar, dan tawakal.

tubuhku lunyai dan
hatiku hancur
saat akhirnya bertemu
kamu,
dan kau lenyapkan semua
bisa sakit itu sehingga
aku lupa trauma
semua episod
menghibakan itu.

kau bukanlah manusia yang sempurna,
itu sudah tentu,
namun melihatmu
bisa membuatku akhirnya menarik nafas lega.

seakan isyarat bahtera nakhoda nomad ini
bisa dilabuhkan,
aku telah temui pulau kediaman.

bilamana dugaan
menguji kuatku
untuk bertahan
dan setiamu
tidak terkorban
walau masa silam
menumpang lalu.

kuatkah aku?
atau kekuatan
ini hanya cukup
untuk membenteng diri
dari terlecurnya kulit
merasa bahang neraka
manusia yang mempersetankan
ketulusan syurgawi
perasaan ini

teguhkah setiamu?
atau setiamu
sekadar kunci
untuk memorabilla
membuka pintu
dan terlerai
apabila kau telah temu
sebahagian dari
pameran menggamit
kenangan terbaikmu

terkonflik antara
kanan dan kiri
hitam dan putih
tiada titik tengah
yang bisa memuaskan
hati-hati
yang seakan hidup semula
walhal sudah lama
mati.

I was reading Tujuh Tahun Tujuh Hari that I just bought from the Lejen bookstore across the street after dinner earlier in the dimlight until I received his text at around 1am.

I just wished Amir goodnight before writing this. It is a rare occasion for him to sign off before me, but there are days when we are extra tired than usual, and he will be working tomorrow anyways. No matter how late he sleeps, he will always be the first to wake me up.

It has been a month after my last post and I have always missed this space. I wanted to deliver good, read-worthy content to all of you so that you can learn a thing or two from me and count it as a form of sedekah as I share good teachings and examples. Then again, I realise that the biggest lessons that we will learn are always fresh from the streets and experiences, so I hope that all of you can learn from my experiences as much as I do too.

About a fortnight ago, I was having dinner with Amir. It has been a habit for the both of us to talk about a lot of things and I like to listen to his thoughts since he lives in a different environment and circle that I am, so I get to see his views in a different dimension. I couldn't remember the start of the whole conversation, but I remember asking him, "What do you think about beggars around KL?"

"My mom always say that you have to be sincere yourself to give before questioning their sincerity to receive. Speaking about that, I remembered one time, a beggar came up to me selling tissues. I gave him RM1, but soon after, the beggar threw the RM1 away right in front of my eyes as if the RM1 didn't mean anything to him at all. "

I gasped. I didn't know beggars can be that cocky.

He continued, "I know that RM1 couldn't cover the cost of him buying the tissues, but imagine this, one decent meal at KL may cost RM5. If everyone gives him RM1, he just needs to sell 5 tissues. Still, it's something. However, seeing that does make me lose my faith towards humanity though".

The value of money always beats kindness and sincerity, but I didn't know that it has come to that extent where we don't value the gift of people. What if the RM1 is all that Amir got at that time and he decided to give it all to the beggar instead so that he could spare some cash for food? Sincerity is someone's right for him to keep it all between himself and God, but we have failed to appreciate the rezeki that He has given us. A person could be short of that RM1 to buy milk for his child, and he had no other choice but to put it back at the rack at the exact same time he threw the RM1 to the ground.

"And which blessings of Him that you deny?",  as Allah repeatedly remind us in Surah Ar-Rahman.

As a giver, however, we should not stop giving. My teacher always remind me many times that there is someone else's rezeki is ours, hence we should not hesitate to give their rights. No matter whatever their intention is when they receive our gifts, but our intentions must be sincere, Lillahitaala at the first place, and hoping that God will replace it with more rezeki, in any form. A good health is rezeki, a supportive family is rezeki, a good circle of friends is rezeki, a loving partner is rezeki, good grades is rezeki, the ability for you to have a roof on your head and eat for the day is rezeki, the skills that you are gifted with is rezeki, the happiness that you feel is rezeki, the peace that you enjoy is also rezeki. Everything that happens around you and whatever you get is always, always a rezeki and blessings from God. You may be tested sometimes, but even with the tests comes with rezeki in forms of options and solutions to help you go through the problems that you may face.

"You know, I had restored my faith in humanity when I met you", Amir said during one of our conversations.

I hope that I am a form of rezeki and blessing to him too (I bully him a lot).

Xx,
M.

I always celebrate New Years' Eve quietly. I would just spend my day at home, do a quiet reflection of the whole year, write some wishes for my closed ones, and sleep in, knowing to wake up in the following year. New Years' Eve is a significant event for me, but I don't do grand celebrations or late night parties. In fact, I don't have a New Years' resolutions since forever because I know that I would not achieve my goals if I organize and write them down. I had a lot of 2018, which is the reason why I was not spirited to write long essays to every single person that I know. Yes, it is bad and unfair because I do receive some of them, I'm sorry, so I wrote an open letter to everyone instead. I won some and lost some, kept some and let go of some people, lost and found love, and a lot more. There is one concrete lesson from this year that I would definitely bring onto the following journey of my life; I don't need validation from anyone to do anything. It is more to enough to follow my instincts and know that it is right for me and will make me happy, and receive support from my closed ones, then I'm good to go.