I don't think that this will be an inspirational post because I am not someone you can look up to as an idol.I did a lot of mistakes throughout my life,or actually too much for me to remember,but mistakes are the best teachers in life.You will never be precatious after you went wrong.Take this analogy,you can't ride a bicycle without falling first.

Najwa once said to me, "I like having scars on my body because I can remember what happened.It's like patches of memories".

I don't have a lot of visible scars but I have a deep scratch at my right wrist.I got this when I was 13 years old,and like a film it will rewind what happened back then everytime I look at it.It was the exam season,I can't remember which but I wanted to take off stapled papers on the softboard to avoid students from cheating.The last paper was at the highest point of the softboard and I was too short(and still) to reach,so I climbed on a bookshelf.Unfortunately,the bookshelf couldn't put on with my weight and it broke.My hand was holding the bookshelf so it got hurt first and the tip of the nail scarred my skin for life.Encik Razif was my class teacher and he asked what happened to the shelf,and one of my classmates told him about the incident but all that he said was,

                                   "Oh,patut lah"

                          WHAT DO YOU MEAN OH PATUTLAH YOU WANT TO SAY THAT I'M FAT IS                                                                           IT?!
                              *cries while shoving a tub of ice-cream in my mouth*

Aih Encik Razif,the one who took the father role since I started college and left before my senior year :( I gave him headaches but he took it all like painkillers.I am very sure that in his eyes I,and all my friends are still little girls.Wandering little girls that he can't save from the world.I'll miss you very much,Encik Razif. :(

Same like scars,mistakes don't stay but it will keep reminding you that you have done this before so don't do it again.For me,mistakes are bittersweet.It will leave you in tears but a laughable memory to remember.I will tell you about my beautiful mistake but later lah.This one is heavy already.

Don't be scared to make mistakes!

Xx,
M.

i have to stop marking the calendar
when you're being nice
your cheesiness is the end of my smile.

i hear the school bell rings
when you turn your back
and left 'goodbye' to end
our conversation,
because the worse thing
that always happens is
you leave me hanging,
and i prefer my body upside
down that being rolled over.

i need to pack my bags
when you mumble a word
first before i can whisper
-S,O,R,R,Y
but i thought that i know
you so much that i keep
building my fence thicker
and higher when you are
defenseless and displaying
yourself like an antique in
a museum;
a genuine soul.

i ride the car anyway
without waving back
because we will
eventually trace each
other after
the season ends.

'Look,dear.
We change,
but we never show that
we changed.
We tend to make it
private,
we tell them that everything is okay,
like em' good ol' days,
but face it,
it's not.'

Zyva and I had been through a two-day leadership camp organised and facilitated by our dear 'younger' sisters from MGC/TKCOGA and I managed to get some quotes in my mind that hit me a lot from very inspiring kakaks.This entry will be updated in case there's more quotes in my notebook that I left in my room while writing this.


                             "Something that is worth doing is difficult"
                                                                        -Kak Adeeba



                            "Don't do to others what it don't want to be done to you"

                                                                       -Kak Shahnaz

           

I don't live long enough to tell you
which investment plan is the best to save up for
your luxury two-room apartment that is two blocks
away from the noisy elite nightclubs in Kuala Lumpur
but listen to me girl,
you're not a woman yet if you still wear those
miniskirts to impress an athlete when you walk
past the boys' locker room
and
Kuala Lumpur is a good place to find good books
but not a good life.
It's the trees that give you life,
unless you're a tree yourself
or your heart finds peace
in the 5-8 daily traffic jams,
hands down.

but why invest on a two-room apartment
when you can invest in a plot of land
and build an exclusive mansion?
guess that i'm not too young to give out
financial advise.

take off the lace dress
if it doesn't make you feel any more
than a wrapped frozen hotdog
on prom night.
don't feel ashamed to button up
a red checkered shirt and rock those
pair of jet black boots on the dance floor.
comfort is the key to confidence,
and you should be in your own skin.
take your time to learn how to cross
your legs while holding the tip of
your blouse.
even princesses had scheduled etiquette classes
to pick up manners at the dining table.
no one expects you to know how to
have a fleek mascara when you yet to
know the difference of which foundation
covers which.
you'll get there.

don't worry if you cannot help
carrying a man's trophy.
bear in mind:
wings grow,
not being attached.
you can empower the
world with your rough hands
from writing assignments and
cooking a decent platter.
true,
everyone needs a backbone,
don't be one to a careless
person that only knows
how to break things apart,
including your heart.

be brave and ask around.
be bold and brace every flaw
flawlessly.
run forward and see the wonders
that God has to offer in the world,
not running in circles.
it will help you avoid bumping into
the same negativities.

take this as a pep talk,
ladies.
i hope this one lingers
in your mind and occupies
all the space that you have
to kick out fear from your
head.

-and we are never too young
to do so.

i ate chocolate wafers and pints of caramel ice-cream
i was sugar deprived
my brain froze
had a hangover the next morning
like bottles of alcohol
i realised that dairy couldn't fix this heartbreak
when it started aching again after lunch.

it is no longer about boys.
i learnt my lesson quick although not
passing the exams because i don't
need to answer questions that shook
my principles that made me reminisce
to believe.
it is bad to believe that no sensible
human would try to pick up
the little pieces of my anatomy and hugs
tight to glue it together again
only to find it crushed into microchips.
disclaimer:
this is a general statement.

is this a mental illness
when i see a sea of love approching
my toes but when i run towards the waves,
i can't see a puddle left unless i take
10 steps back?

i don't think that any doctor
or medicine can heal me
from this illusion.

i was unconscious and numb.
i couldn't twich when the nurses
poked needles through my veins
to flow a river of hope
somehow they found out in science
that the waves crashing the walls
of my heart will keep it beating
but your fingers that read my
stitched palms  like Braille
and brought them close
to your lips for every silent
prayer that made me alive.
the only stimulus that i could feel
was your strands of hair that brushed
the ends of my left arm from the start
until the shift of the moon ended
i felt cruel.
i couldn't lift it to wrap around your
shoulders when you bury your
head in my blanket beside my hip
gave up defending your tumbling
fort and cry.
each drop of tear that you shed was
my strength until i was able to open my eyes
to  see your smile.
i won't forget the warmth of your hug that put
my grudges and anger on fire.
when the doctor took off the breathing mask
from suffocating my face
i could exhale forgiveness.

i am still crawling to stand
on my wobbling feet
but i am no longer afraid to
fall
because i am assured that
you are always here
to catch me from every failure.

and that makes all the pain
worth healing.

it's funny that
there are tracks that
still reminds me of you,
like this new Little Big Town
record that I'm listening to.

i solemnly swear that i'm not
Pinocchio
and i don't deny that
when i turn the shower tap
around,
i can feel the tip of your fingers
skipping on my skin like hitting
staccatos on the keys of the piano
with every downpour.

i am no superhero but
God keeps giving me flashbacks
that i don't want to remember,
making me a confused physicic.
i would hear your jokes whenever
FaceTime accidentally opens by
itself
but i would also hear your denials
and your lies of every bullet that
you hit
bull's eye,you held me hostage
in your mischief.

and that made me a cruel empress,
not giving you any more arrows.

now and then,
i would still question myself
if you wore suit and tie
opened doors
remembered our anniversary by heart
respected my principles
and looked at me in awe
like Milky Way was in them
sprayed Paco Rabanne like Dad,
my favourite scent
if you were loyal before I left,
if you were a complete
different person,

will we stay awake  in the teenage dream that we sleep for?

'will I be still in love
if you were a better man?'
                       

   So exam has ended and my results should just be in the trash because it is bad compared to every child that Mom knows.I am not really sad because I have improved on a few subjects such as Physics and passed Addmaths!Woohoo!Now I'm listening to Kamikaze by MØ while ranting to all of you.What a life 😌

    To kill time,I watch make-up tutorials!I have discovered Noriana The Face Designer and she is a miracle man,the proper guide that I need.She is a famous MUA in Malaysia and is responsible for Yuna's fabulous looks when she's back in town and she is truly effortless.Her motto : Minimum effort,maximum impact.Her tutorials are not hard at all and she explains in detail on which technique is for what,like the use of contouring,and the products that she uses and why she uses them.She's such a fairygodmother for noobs like me.😇

    Youtube helps and embarasses me a lot at the same time.Everyone noticed that I bought the Instant Age Rewind Dark Circle Concealer by Maybelline and even showed how I put it under my eyes.Guess what?IT WAS WRONG.DON'T EVER LINE IT UNDER YOUR EYES!ABORT YOUR MISSION NOW!Haih what a noob 😖

    You should dab it properly under your eyes and blend it using a beauty blender or a Kabuki/wtv the brush's name is.I have sooo much to learn.I have the thoughts of buying a beauty blender but it costs about RM90 at Sephora and I think the Ministry of Finance that follows me everywhere will definitely ask Sephora to close down before I ever come in.Let's opt for a set of brushes instead aye?

     I think I urgently need a moisturizer.Oh here's a funny story.During my shopping spree at Domesky,I grabbed a spray that said it was an Aloe Vera moisturizer.I quickly took it because I just saw a make-up tutorial using an Aloe Vera moisturizer but when I watch it again,it was in CREAM form.What a disaster.I don't even know where the so-called moisturizer is now.Maybe Mom knows.She knows everything at the tip of her nose.Also,a setting spray!My make-up will quickly fade and looks shiny and all although I don't even sweat.I see a lot of people using Urban Decay'/ Setting Spray so maybe I'll try it out and tell you the results(if I have the money to do so).

      My make-up journey is a loooong way to go,do bear with me and my progress!

Xx,
M.

           Yesterday, I received a text message from a friend.

                                       "You look fatter".

           I was like, 'OMG don't you know any manners of talking to a woman?' but I just replied,

                                       "I know.I'm at a phase where I feel hungry and eat all the time,and you just know what phase it is".

           I do feel insecure but I am not born to please you in any way.If I want roast chicken at 3AM,I will have that roast chicken. (which is quite impossible because I will feel dizzy and pass out by 1130 pm.School schedule.)

           This is a quick reminder to every human being in the universe when talking to a woman,you shouldn't ever in a million years to ask about:

1) Their weight/body shape/clothes size
2)Their age(although it is not really a problem to me but this is sensitive for most women)

Now I have given you the basic manners,APPLY IT.

Don't ruin your first date with breaking the rules! 😉

Xx,
M.