I have been watching and reading scary stuff on the Internet about how things will get worse after the RMO. I have been reading theories on how the pandemic is related to doomsday events and how the end is near. I guess that I am paranoid and easily anxious. Ah, this RMO is killing me on the inside as I cannot distract myself from the overwhelming feelings. I overthink a lot. Like, a LOT lot. 

" I feel like my past is haunting me", I sighed as Amir settled down and lied down on his black leather sofa.

"Why, baby?", he adjusted himself and looked at me attentively. I know that he would have reached my hand if only his arms could travel across phone screens.

I looked down to the floor. I have never felt that, after a year plus of being together, after countless times running and crying into his arms...that it will be hard to tear down the last barrier of your memories that you have kept safe from people for so long to someone, even though that someone means a hell lot to you now. You will always think that he will think badly about you, because he has never met you in such a terrible condition, he has never seen you in such a dim light inside a dark room that you lived in for years before you meet him. You don't know if he will understand, I don't know if Amir would understand.

"You know baby, I remember this one time when I entered an international English test when I was around 13-14 years old. I got highest distinction. Can you imagine?

So, all students that have achieved good results for the test are called up on stage to receive the certification from the principal. When my name was called, I was so happy to get up on stage, but I heard mumbles and whispers at my back as I was walking and I could hear very clearly when someone said,

"Isn't she the one that attempted suicide?"

I was crushed by that phrase. I tried to hustle as much as I can so that people would see me as just, me, but that whisper will always echo in my head. From 13 to 14, to 15, to 17 years old, or now even.  It is as if no matter how much that I have achieved, I will never be more than a kid that attempted suicide."

"Baby, look where you are at now", Amir finally spoke after listening to my kind of traumatic experience, finally opening the door to the dark room at the back of my head after so long. "You stood tall from that downfall and you achieved everything that you wanted."

I was anxious. "H-how do you, make peace with your past?"

Amir simply answered briefly. "I moved on, because the people that I may share that past with have moved on long before me."

I have to admit, it was not the answer that I wanted. I wish it was more poetic, it was more convincing. but, that is Amir. 100% frank, blunt, and honest. I guess, that was the answer that I needed.

"Do you... think ill about me?", I asked him, feeling embarrassed of stripping off the last part of my past to him.

"No, sayang. Never.", He looked at me compassionately. That was enough. That gave me enough strength to embark on this super hard journey but I know that I can pass through this, just like the obstacles that I have been through before.

Ah, I wish I can hug him right now. #MCODay10.