I have not been feeling myself lately with the massive workload that I have, from assignments to handling events with SHINE; I am exhausted.     My mood swings become unpredictable too, and everyone is affected by it; my mom, Amir, everyone. I remember that I had dinner with Amir a few  nights back and I was so pissed when my mom asked me to come home quickly, saying that she was hungry at 930PM when I clearly know that there are dinner at home, and Amir did not remember my schedule. I clearly snapped and stormed out of McD. He tried to coax me but I felt really hurt. I felt that none of them even appreciate the things that I am having on my shoulders, or at least have the courtesy to understand the workload that I'm going through.

I was really feeling detached with Amir for a few days after that. Every text from him felt like a disturbance, and I don't even bother to entertain him or say 'I love you' before going to sleep. I was really out of place and out of touch with him. I could not find the purpose of being with him anymore. I felt that he didn't want to understand me, or didn't want me either. I could not find the reason to stay, and I was actually considering for a breakup. That was so absurd! Every single person that knows me on this planet is clearly aware on how much I love Amir and how I value him in my life. At that moment, I felt that my whole life was crashing downhill. I had to either drag Amir in this mess or break him off for making sure that he is safe.

-but I know that I hate what I am feeling.

My team and I was supposed to set up at the IOC Clubhouse yesterday evening but we need to run errands and the organisers could not wait for us, hence we had all night to do last minute chores like grabbing the cakes that we should bring. I felt very empty while I was walking after parting with my friends, and I passed by the Sunway City intersection.

"I just need one reason to stay", I said to myself.

Hence, I turned my steering wheel towards the intersection, searching for the new shop that Amir is located at. I drove slowly, hoping to not be noticed by him. There he was, working on a car with his colleagues, probably discussing about stuff that I am not that adult enough to understand. I don't know why, but I felt that I was in the verge of my tears when I saw him from afar. I recognized him, my heart recognized him.

I took another turn around the block and stopped in front of a car not far from his shop. I didn't think that I was stable to drive, nor I was ready to go home, so I decided to Waze for a longer way home via the USJ route that Amir used to bring me to simply spend more time with me. As I was typing the location, someone knocked on my window.

-It was Amir.

I rolled down the windows. "You miss me already, sayang?", he cheekily smiled. I was stuttering when I came up with a lame excuse that I was around the corner.

"Sure, sayang? You don't have surprises for me?", He said while analyzing the interior of my car, trying to spot anything unusual. I smiled and shook my head.

He reached for my hand and held it tight. My walls shatter immediately.

"I miss you.", I became honest. "I'm sorry that I have been giving you the attitude, I am having a hard time".

"I know", he said softly and caressed my cheeks.

There, I found my reason to stay.

I lent Amir's camera for a tutorial class the other day. Mind you, I am a total noob, the DSLR camera is alien to me.

• “You need to have faith in Allah, sayang”. 

every time we hold hands
i will always be taken into a different dimension
we are walking on the zebra crossing
but the pebbled stripes change into shiny wooden floors
the pedestrians bow to each other
your red sweater changes into a tuxedo
and my headscarf turns into an embroidered veil
the traffic light will become a spotlight
that lights up the ballroom
the world is our dance floor
although we never really show our moves
but my hips sway as you put your arms
around them
like how you would wrap me in them
in every queue

every time we hold hands
i will always be taken into a different dimension
when you press my hand a little harder
i will stop and look at you
my veil has now become a rag
and my crown is not in place
and there is a shark at the tip of my toes
waiting anytime for me to fall
but you are my knight in shining armour
it is in your nature to save me from
deadly predators
or
angry uncles at the parking lot
or
my mom when we come home a little bit late
or
myself.

every time we hold hands
i will always be taken into a different dimension
different timezones
different eras
different outfits
different languages, although i'm only bilingual
but
you will always be my hero
and we will keep holding hands
forever.