Saturday, 22 October 2016


i am a tangled mess
that curls up
when comfort tries to rebond
with a streak of iron

-even when i'm sleeping
my dreams are all about
falling from a height of
monologues that are
meant to be said out loud
and waking up with
a complete anatomy
but acknowledges the fractured
bones caging promises
that once i held onto
but got broken alas,
like my heart.

i am always alarmed
on warnings and aware of
manipulative tongue twisters
but i stand back
play along
got laughed at for being an honest
Honey,'pious' is not a familiar adjective.

what is the point of
guarding an empty deposit box
i am worn out of this old butterfly cycle
it won't be a sweet victory birthday bash.
free was demolished from the vocabulary of
and people are not fortune tellers to
know what you will become.
their vision is limited to the present
'I love you' can't be heard if
the sceptical beauty is not what they see.

I've had enough of living with my eyes closed
but with a conscious mind.
I don't want to wake up.
It hurts to be sober but don't reach for the pills.
Been there done that,it won't even snap your nerves
to forget why are you up crafting words with a dim moon
to show you the alphabets.

Turn off the lights,please.
Good night,
as there is no sunrise
that can kiss hopes on my
cheeks from the window.

Wednesday, 19 October 2016

Back Home

            Exam has ended and took all my beauty sleeps with it,so I just have the mood of writing something heavy.
            I am more than grateful to be brought up in a family that has awareness towards the importance of religion and seeing each of my family member changing towards the better becomes a motivation to do the same.Seeing my 60+ year old grandmother puasa sunat 3-4 days a week and deeply interested reading the Tafsir Quran like a storybook sometimes makes me feel ashamed of myself for not doing the same.Mom has also lengthen her headscarf and wear skinsocks.I am not always at home so I am quite late on revolving but I have noticed that these changes becoming more obvious day by day.I have also started to wear skinsocks whenever I'm out of college because I feel the comfort of wearing it.My feet is cold all the time so socks is a good alternative to overcome it.Actually,I was interested in wearing skinsocks because of this one time Mom came with a cute floral motive skinsocks.It was sooooo beautiful and she had lots of them at home,so I started to wear those until at one point I wore sandals with my bare feet,the sun rays directly shooted at my feet and I feel like my feet was burning.At that time,I thought that maybe Allah wanted to show me that covering my feet is a priority since it is actually a must to do so at the first place.I hope and I pray that this change is permanent and I'll improve time by time.Amin.
               I would like to recall a conversation that I had with a friend.A boy likes her and chased her for years but she keeps rejecting him.I asked her why,and her respond was, "He prayes five times a day.I don't like it if we're in a middle of a date and he keeps asking for excuse to pray and drags me along.",I replied, "Isn't it good to have someone that remembers God?",she simply just answered me, " I'm not like him.Yeah,you can take him instead if you want to".I was taken aback.No offense here,she is a really good friend of mine.I respect her desicions but the way she said is like I am too pious,I don't make any sins.I have soooo much to change and improve,and I sin too,in just a different way.I had hurt someone's feelings,talk about people behind their backs and so much more sins that any ordinary woman specifically,would do.
                I have so much to learn to stregthen my faith,but I believed one thing,if we are devoted to God any follow His orders,you will be safe here and hereafter.The simplest way to do that is pray.How bad,evil or cruel you may be,pray.Lost?pray.Happy?pray.Any mood and everything that you do,always remember to pray.Allah is always with you,and closer in each sujood.
                 I would like to thank every single person that took me to the right path when I was lost looking for myself.I have learnt to think,accept and forgive.I feel at home alas.Most of all,I found en route back to The Almighty,the only route that I should be walking on.
                 To you lost souls,pick up the call.Allah is waiting for you,the Most merciful.


Tuesday, 18 October 2016


a rocking hammock that
wants to be a safety net.

that is a woman.

she wants two hands
in her hair
pulling her close to
the taste of heaven
and the same two hands
that assists her to twirl
in the rain
and the same two hands
that gives her a bouquet
of flowers and any diamond
accesory on every date that
involves birth and the start
of the sparks
and the same two hands
that craftes its arms to fit
her waist after midnight
to ease the pain

but she also wants
to tame the two hands
from lingering around other
women's  fingers and
conquering their hearts.

she doesn't want to be a substitute.
she wants to be the main player
so enough is never enough.

but the moment she thinks
she did,
 she feels the responsibility
to obey,
the duty to trust
and the agreement to be loyal.

and so she closes her eyes
and shut her heart.

let the same hands squirt
blood out of her lips
and the same hands
pushes her to the corner of the wall
and her head is  nearly pierced
by the edge of the table
she knows  that at the end of night
the same hands will pull her close
to the soothing beating
like a drumroll welcoming her to
the heaven that she first found
in the eyes that promised her
a space to reside.

so she tends to forgive
again and again
and when repetition occurs
on a word
sorry sounds like a soft
snore she waits every night
for the instrument to come home.

that is a woman.

-such fragile creatures that
are playfully screenplayed
by love.

Thursday, 13 October 2016


he said that he didn't know
what he was thinking.
i said it is normal to be
insane and making
desicions when we
are drunk out of
bottles of forever.

he said he didn't expect it
to be this way.
i laughed on how he is so 
naiive to believe in
false alarms and loud
sirens that love brings.
this one mischievious 
friend,i said,
is meant to make you fall
apart if you don't know how
to fall in place.

he said that he should choose me
over her.
regrets,i said,
comes only after happily ever after
betrays you.
humans are one tough cookie,
we never learn.

she pulls his arm from the
coffee table.
see you later,he said.
i waved goodbye while
saying later is another
heart broken.

Sunday, 9 October 2016


'don't make your writings 
move on,dear.
try writing things that 
people can relate to'.

I have tried
but it made butterflies
took my fingers off
the pad 
and ended up
not writing 
anything at all.

my wrecked pieces
can never be completed
before the heart has
a say,

and my identity is
lost without a mutual feeling
in every sentence.

my poems don't fit the market-
they are not supposed to be 
commercialized although 
to have their quotes as a foreword
in novels and movies
is every poet's dream.

my poems are chapters of stories
stories of i don't need you to relate to,
understanding is enough.

Somewhere In Between

The nightly breeze can't soothe me to sleep tonight.
I want to drift stroking the clouds
and dance with the moon
but I am not an athlete
and my steps wobble.

and so I sleep anyway,
with a racing heartbeat
craving for more excitement
for tomorrow's sunrise,

but tomorrow is yesterday,
and yesterday was
the day before,
nothing is getting better.

therefore,I choose
to be in between.

the stripes of white and black
dreaming to be splashed
with colours.

Friday, 7 October 2016

One Good One

      'I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away,
                 but baby I just need one good one to stay'
                             -Lady Gaga

Tuesday, 4 October 2016

Septomber Updates

      It's 8.03 p.m. and I should be studying Addmaths but everything can wait for a little visit.How was everybody?I have exams as usual and I recently deleted both my Twitter and Instagram app from my iPad for some reason so do reach me by e-mail if you need to seek assistance from me!I check my mailbox regularly don't worry.
      September was good,I went to Melaka with my parents and had a whole day out with Ekmal going to KFC which books should be involved as well.....but.......yeah what's books when you have good gossips to share after months not meeting each other?We went to Light Sensation as well with Mom until 1 in the morning.Had a lot of work to earn million dollar photos haha.
       I started to wear lipstick now and a lot of wedges lately,I think I should shift to heels.I am quite obsessed with the idea to look tall to look slim.Exploring new colours of lipstick is amazing,a whole new world for me to think which colour suits which outfit and whatnot.Unfortunately,I still eat a whole lot.Sorry.Nope,not sorry for my appetite.
        I think that's all I have for now.Will talk more later after Diagnostics,hoping to have a short vacation at some beach.Haih dreams.