Friday, 10 November 2017

Kosong

02:33:00
"Leen, do you want to know my biggest fear of leaving this place?" , Ell said while we were pointlessly hanging around the balcony, with the wind gently blowing our faces. I swear it looked like a Hindustan movie where Shah Rukh Khan was having a deep talk with his best friend, Hitrik Roshan.

"What is it?"

"To be emotionless again. Rasa kosong."

"You live when you feel", I said. "You don't live when you don't feel."

"That is the problem", Ell said. "At least I know that I'm living. I can encounter my depressions when I feel these kinds of emotions."

I looked at her. "Ell, we're the opposite. I can't wait to leave because I can't wait to feel the emptiness again".

"What do you mean?"

"I feel a lot here, and I am easily depressed, I don't know how to handle my sadness, my frustrations healthily. There is so much going on and I tell you, if this happens outside, I might as well not care."

"But how can you learn to handle them when you don't feel?"

"It is better to be numb that to feel everything and be self-destructive. I might as well not feel"


Tuesday, 7 November 2017

Salam Batch

23:41:00
Before SPM, we had a salam batch where everyone will seek forgiveness from each other. I salam-ed everyone until I reached Addie. She hugged me tight and whispered to me,

                  " Maleen, I wish you a successful love life and soar your dreams high okay!"

I laughed and sobbed at the same time, even creepier than Hael Husaini. 

Tuesday, 17 October 2017

Difficult

11:15:00
It has been a difficult phase for me. As selfish as it sounds, please, let me talk about me without thinking about anybody else.

I had many things toppling on my head and the only thing that I wanted to do was to run at the nearest public phone and dial his number, or anyone's number, and at least, hear his brief giggle when he picks up the call. It manages to make me calm everytime. But, conceding to the painful fact that he won't be there at the end of the line, there I was, sleeping away and waking up with my parts torn apart each day. It was always the same game, he's available but i'm at school, or i'm free but he needs to attend a class next morning. He wasn't the observant man that he used to be because I was the first one to realise that-

we are drifting apart.

it was time, it was us, i don't know. i don't know how does he feels about this, or how i feel about this, i am not a mind reader. oh how i wish i can just forget all this complicated shit and go back to square one, the naiive, old me that does not the meaning of all this unbreakable threads of emotions that she has to digest and interprete. life would be easier, simpler and empty as it used to be,

but he splashed colours to the faded walls and squeezed in velvet furniture to fill in the spaces. he made the new cool in me. how am i supposed to give that all up?

I saw his efforts in making time for a conversation, but then, i also see that he couldn't let go of his dear, hurtful memories just yet. from there, i realised another important fact;
i am facing a difficult man.

Difficult is not a word can be used to summarise an adjective. It is not even an adjective that can be applied to a person. Difficult people, in my straight POV, are just confused people. They are looking for many things beneath what is in front of them; their wants and needs, their priorities, and even themselves. I am a difficult person myself, that is why i only allow a very small circle of people to study and understand me, and also the only ones that i can rely on. But, for this case of us, I have to be strong.

The triumph of handling difficult people is not measured by how much he has drastically changed after a few months meeting you and such, it is how you can keep up and help him stand when he falls down during the process. Mind you, this is not a contest. This is not a competition on how to change people.

despite all the negative feelings that i am feeling for the time being, i'm struggling to be there through thick and thin. I used to rush into things, but i will try to let him take his time. i'll vow to myself to be more tolerant and understanding. all that he needs is support, and i have promised to do so.

I'm sorry that I have to say it here because I don't know how to tell you this personally because I am never the type of person that are courageous enough to say what I want to say, but just so you know that I'll always be there for you. All the time.

Saturday, 7 October 2017

My Love

18:44:00
my love,
is a tug of war.
he pulls me for a tango
on the crystallized dancefloor
and pushes me out of the balcony
when i thought he was leaning for
a kiss under the shimmering moonlight
-of course he held my arm from falling, it needs two to tango after all.
but he never managed to stop me from falling head over heels for him over and over again until when
i wore a parachute under my dress,
i still hope for him to save me.

my love,
is a messy kitchen,
an unarranged fridge,
untidy rack that even mice doesn't want to have a sleepover
i savour his words like a jar of Nutella spread on toast for a perfect breakfast
but his face was like a stale Caesar salad for lunch,
I sip the remaining juice with confusion as I accidentally choke
like how he choked on his roasted chicken when I question
him
does he cook out of love or out of pity?

my love,
is a never ending maze
his heart, the roads that i get lost into everytime for a visit.
how can i memorise the trails when there's a new flyover or long shortcuts that are newly built that makes the pathway blurrer?
as i knock the door after the thunder, shivering in pain
he would welcome me with the
warmth of his calming touch
and drown me in the flood again.

my love,
is nature.
he is a damaging hurricane that whips off my sanity
yet he is the brightest sunshine
that you can see from the beaming smile on my face.

my love,
is a man that i will remember his name,
that i will mesmerise his complexion
that i will hold his hand,
but his heart,
that i will never have.

Sunday, 3 September 2017

Time

09:43:00
                           " Who am I to you?", he asked because I let him ask me a question before I sleep.

                     " Can I ask you back?", I answered reluctantly. Of course, I was shy.

                             " No, you can't", he said cheekily.

                         I took a deep breath and typed on the keyboard,

                                  " My favourite person. I hope you now understand why I am irrationally jealous sometimes".

                         " Don't be like this, Maleen, it was just Sharifah Rose!", he jokingly laughed, which made me laugh as well.

                              "Well, she's not the only one. What about the comment at Farah Ann's picture? Justify yourself, mister!" , I joked as well, trying to ease the line that slowly becomes intense. " What about me? Who am I to you?"

                         "More to my best motivator?", he said reluctantly. From there, I know what was in front of me. Still, I tried my best to crack up some lame jokes. " Hey, be certain. What's with the question mark?"

                                      "I'm sorry, Maleen."

                   This was it. This was it. This was the moment that I feared of my whole life. I had told people that I would be brave, I would not break down. I would not be furious, I would not be enraged, I would not be crazy because of it.

                             " I know that this will hurt you, but I am not ready yet. I can't even understand myself. Sometimes I was like this, sometimes I was like that, I don't know. I have to admit that the old scars are still bleeding. I think that not being committed to any relationships are the best for now since I don't  know what the future holds for me later on. For now, I just want to be friends with everybody and make everyone happy"

                   I reminded myself many times that it was never his fault upon reading his response. He was just as confused as I am. He was hurt as I am. He was stuck in the middle. Sometimes, my wild thoughts questioned his actions. Did he do that out of courtesy or he did care about me? Worse, did he actually feel sorry for me, so that was why he kept the conversations going? I don't know.

            I don't want to lose him. I don't want to lose his wishes. I don't want to lose the privilege to listen to his infectious giggle at the beginning of every conversation. I don't want to lose the person that will be very observant and realise any slight changes of me. I don't want to lose the person that always advises me towards the better. I don't want to lose the person that will always remind me to put my parents first, to put God first above everything. I don't want to lose the person that will share with me some good new music that is playing around the Internet. I don't want to lose the person that I can randomly talk about everything in the world without feeling awkward. Above all, I don't want to lose him.

                             Hence, I lowered down my pride and asked him to stay.

                                " Sure, Maleen. I want you to be by my side to go through this all too"

                          Somehow, when he said that, I felt that I had already lost a part of him.

     Going back to college tomorrow, boy, I don't know how to face this. Why did this ground has to be the place where I first laid my eyes on him? Why did this place has to bring so many memories that I have to cope with for the next two months until I am gone for good? I have to live with the things that he said when I pass through landmarks at college. But, that are the only things that I have left of us, isn't it? I should cherish them, right?

    All in all, for now, I am letting time decide. I am letting destiny takes its pace at the right place. Who knows, maybe, he is the right person at the wrong time and will be right at the right time? Or maybe, he is a phase that I have to go through before meeting the right person that will be waiting at the end of the lane? There are so many consequences, I don't know. But, I believe that God didn't give me those instincts that led me to him for nothing. Whatever the reason may be, let it unfold itself.  I have never been grateful that I met him.

    I will be away for the next two months, and he will go on with his battle as well. I will miss him, I always will. Maybe, this distance will do us good. It always will.


Tuesday, 29 August 2017

Questions

10:44:00
I know this is weird because I never directly dedicate any of my notions to you, but-

Remember when I always tell you that I want to ask you questions but I would always take it back and said that I will tell you when it's the right time? You will always keep calm and say 'okay', but I am not. This is getting out of hand, especially when it was the thoughts that are haunting me that makes me not trust you. It was the thoughts make me overthink when you don't do the things that you usually do. I will immediately think that you're upset with me, and I'll be upset with myself, because the last thing that I ever wanted from us is losing each other. Maybe you're right, I was just overreacting. 

Hence, I'll ask these now.

One, is the person with you that first made me upset with you is her, the one that you once told me before? if so, then no wonder. our first love will always have a room for them to stay for the night whenever they come back knocking at the door. it is normal. but a follow-up question, may I? does she still occupy the room permanently? did you let her have the keys?

Two, what about the last one? did you leave any information behind when you first spilled it to me? next, repeat question one. 

Three, the answers lie on you, I don't know but, whatever will it be, then, where do I stand? In another room, in the living room, or in front of the front door where I keep ringing the doorbell and waiting at the doorsteps for someone to open it from the inside?

I am done here. I am relieved.

Don't be scared. I just wanted to know the truth. How sweet or bitter will it be, I would like to listen to them all attentively. Take your time until you're ready, I don't want to rush you. Besides, I'm not going anywhere, regardless of anything that you kept safe from me. I have promised you that, didn't I?

I enjoyed this ride with you, it makes me carefree and the dizziness of running in circles has never been so refreshing. But, I am afraid of expecting more from you. I am afraid if I am secretly hoping more than this abundant happiness that you have granted me. I love mysteries but I don't like being uncertain. Let me draw a line for myself as a limit warning, so that I never dream of crashing the barrier between us, although now it seems transparent. 

I know that it will make you feel uncomfortable. I know that you may think this girl is crazy or something, although I have to admit that I am. I just don't want these things to crush us down, in fact, even anything in the world to bring us down. 

Whatever that will happen after this, I don't want to lose a friend. I don't want to lose the privilege to listen to your infectious laugh that will immediately slow down my palpitating heart after each phone call. Most importantly, I don't want to lose one of my backbones that have been supporting me through thick and thin. I can't even afford to do so. 

I don't know where have you been. We had a glitch during our conversation on Monday and both of us have been acting weird. Your answer will always be same, "Tak ada apa-apa". You have always been the calmer one. Sometimes we do need this gap of silence, intended or unintended, to keep us back to our senses, don't you think? But you have always been the more rational one, guess that I was the only one who needed time for a rest. Both of us have agreed on the outcomes of distance, and on my behalf, it is true. It's just that, I never obeyed the two key points that you told me before. I am sorry.

You may read this, you may keep on scrolling, but I have conveyed all my questions to you. You may leave this blank, you may fill in the answers, it is up to you. 

Good night, and come back soon.


09:22:00
I am tired of being sad. I am tired of hoping uncertain wishes. I am tired of being jealous of the things that I shouldn't be. I am tired of overthinking. I am tired of breaking down to relatable songs and cry. I am tired of being dissed. I am tired with the thought of wanting to be someone's priority for at least once, choose me over something else, or someone else. I am tired of feeling insecure. I am sick with not trusting people at all and at the end of the day, my overprotective problem shuts everyone out. I am tired of wanting someone to at least notice the slight changes in my behavior and immediately know that I'm not okay. I am tired of depending my happiness on someone else.

God, take me out of this cycle, please?


Tuesday, 22 August 2017

Summary

02:32:00
" Why haven't you update your blog?", he asked during last Saturday's phone call, it was a very long one, more than an hour, and it was a real call. I don't know how much he was charged for that. I give his effort an A+, calling back after numerous times the line was disrupted.

"Really? I thought I just uploaded a poem", I uploaded one that evening before dinner, an old one from a precious file in my laptop. I don't know what does he mean by that actually. Like, man, it was only five hours ago. He said it like I haven't been blogging for years.

"It was two weeks ago", he reminded me.
Two weeks? Wait, wait a minute...

"Oh, is it? It was 'Near To 60' right?" , Ah, I get it. He was actually asking on why I didn't blog about him. First, it was the fuss of trials that couldn't give me the time to rush to the next block for any Internet connection. Second, we have been talking almost everyday about our papers, so I am afraid if it will appeal to him as too clingy ( well, I actually am now but-just because...just because.) but it doesn't change the fact that I miss him and our long conversations past midnight where we can freely talk about everything.

" Yeah. And what does that 60 mean?", this curious guy. He knows all metaphors underneath my titles.

"I don't know. Guess.", I said cheekily, trying to drag him around. Let's see how fast a guy thinks. They say that guys never know what girls mean when they say things, so let this be my experiment.

"60 days of us knowing each other?"

Oh. My. Boat. Noodle. Chicken. Wings. He striked it again. He, striked me again. He has never failed to make me feel amused. He knows what is going on in my mind everytime. I think that I am the most observant person in the world but after I met him, hands down. The king of precision has arrived.

" What day is it now?"

"I don't know, I just roughly count" The only way I counted the days is when the calendar says 28, I should call it a month. A month has approximately 30 days. We started talking at May. Wait, whoa, what? June, July, August...it isn't two months! It has been three months since we know each other! Three freaking months already?! Time escalates super fast these days, but I'm up for the ride with this one everytime. So come three, thirty, three hundred, and even three thousand months, I'll still be here like Day 1.

" You haven't answered me", he emphasized.


"Well, we talk everyday, right? You can just DM me and you know that, don't you?"

"It was different"

I was drop dead.
                         

"I saw your latest Tweet"
Now, he totally gave me goosebumps on that one.

"About what? You know that I like to randomly rant on Twitter",

"Well, about the question thing."

"Oh", I knew what I tweeted. Yes, I was indirecting it to him because I know he won't let it slip away. Yes, he realized that Tweet. Now, I was left speechless. I am so confusing. I want him to know things but I always procastinate on doing that. The desicions are like plucking petals of a flower, 'Tell him, not tell him. Tell him, not tell him', aish, this game won't end seriously.

"What do you want to ask?"
A lot actually. One, why did he change his Instagram profile picture? I loved the previous one in the black shirt at his school compound, or the one when he wore a red shirt during Eid because that colour suits him. Two, number two is..

"Maybe not now"

"Okay."

Maybe not now, maybe later is not a good idea either. I have been asking this grand question to myself all the time, thinking if it is worth it to gamble on this charade. I don't want to shatter us down. Don't make me choose between his infectious laugh over anything, you'll lose horribly.

At the end of the conversation,
"Will you please be a gentleman?", I said sheepishly.

"What do you mean by that?"

"If you miss me, just say that you miss me. You don't have to ask me to call and whatnot", I added with a laugh.

"No, I don't, I'm cool here. Besides, you didn't call me last week", he said, keeping his cool shades emoji on.

"Hah, who's talking about calling here? Ish, just say that you miss me lah"

"Eh...um...dah lah, no comment!"

Such a qt.

Saturday, 19 August 2017

Nights Like This

02:42:00
Nights like this;
I wish I can lean against a red Cooper
that resides at the edge of a hill
with souls that are not afraid to jump,
joining the twinkling dots on
the dark sky with
flickering city lights
making a picture perfect backdrop
without a VSCO edit
but
I am not sure whether it is the high
definition megapixels on your phone
 lens
or the camera flashes with excitement
like how my eyes will shape into
crimson when they detect your face,
like the moon that you wave at
because it reminds us at the
late night conversations that we had
now we’re having our own live talk show.
and I wish I can rest my chin on your shoulder
instead of a softoy
and count our blessings with our fingers than
having the words automatically counted on
Microsoft.
I am pulling the curtains for a good night
hoping to push it tomorrow morning
with you by my side.

















Thursday, 10 August 2017

Near to 60

02:48:00
There is a problem with us.
There are too much repetition of ‘if’
in our sentences as we tap and type it
on our phone screens
we will only earn a high ‘C’ if
this is an English essay,
but the moments with you
surpassed A plus.
I’ll pass with flying colours.

I think you learned quite much from me.
I think I was the first one to break out
to you that you are a Scorpio
and how the word promposal
differs from the word proposal
even though it will bring the same meaning
if you say it with a ring


and the coincidences,
it has been five years since we crossed
paths from school to go back home
and we never had a clue
and it is amusing that all these similarities
brings me closer to you
and not to forget about football,
I know nothing about the field
but I am certain that you’re the mvp,
well, mine, at most,
because I hate sharing.

I am oblivious
I swing from bar to bar recklessly like a free birdI will be a bad driver.

so I am in awe on how you could be so meticulous
like memorising my sleeping patterns
that the cue that I used to say before I doze off
or
how you can be so thoughtful of taking pictures
of the sea as you brush the sand off your feet
because I said I loved how the light sky matches
the navy ocean
and used them as your weapon to apologise
when I’m angry-
wait, how can you even know that I’m angry?

I beg your pardon to not mention this  but
how can you be so patient with my antiques?
your morning wish will be the first thing that
I see without fall as I pull away the duvet
that has been warming me up from the
cold
and the ‘good night’s although after
not talking to each other for the whole day
and sometimes when I ask a lot of questions
or nag for you to take care of yourself
how can you still calmly laugh and say
‘I’ll be alright, don’t worry’ likea broken tape?

This is still so hard to brain but-
how can you tolerate me?
Sigh.

Your heart is still a Sudoku to me-
I cannot solve or read.
 but who cares anyway?
you are here with me
and that’s what matters most.

but you’re not.

Sigh,
I miss you terribly.





Tuesday, 1 August 2017

01:24:00
" What do you do when you fall down?", Encik Ahmad questioned during his turn to speak during the weekly assembly. Everyone replied, "To get back up!" energetically although the only sound I heard was houseflies buzzing around a smelly trashcan.

                   "When you fall down, you get back up", Encik Ahmad repeated our answer and continued, "But who's doing the backing up? Yourself. Is there any hand from the Heavens that will reach for you? No. I can call high end motivators to come and talk up here and pay them thousands to lift your spirit, but the one who's doing the action is yourself."

                   "Just remember that your teachers up here are always here to support you to push you forward, by all means. We will go the extra mile for you, so you should too, for yourself. Please, if you can't do it for us, or your parents, please just do it for yourself". He ended his brief speech there, which marked the end of assembly.

The first period was Islamic Studies, and oh boy, you couldn't imagine how sleepy I was. I didn't lie my head on the table instantly, but I was trying so bad to open my eyes that in a blink of an eye, I dozed off. Ustazah Arbaayah caught me twice, and truthfully, I didn't mean to do so. The weekend was hectic, it was jampacked with classes and I didn't have time to actually sit down and take a deep breathe. Perhaps it was my fault too, I couldn't manage my time well.

At the end of class, I shook Ustazah's hand and apologised for my behaviour. Ustazah patted my back warmly, " Maleen, I understand that you may be staying up late, but it won't do you any good if you can't focus in class the next morning. I know that you are a good student, I see that, and it'll be a waste if you keep on with these interfering bad habits at this eleventh hour. Try to improve, alright?", I didn't hear a rising pitch in her voice. It was very soothing, very convincing that when we parted ways, I kept on thinking what she said. I felt sad because I felt like I had failed her. I had failed all my teachers, and that is the last thing that I wanted right now.

I have seen their sacrifices, like how Pn Nor Saidah stayed back, still with her baju kurung on since morning until 11pm, and came back at 8 am the next day when she should be resting the weekend off with her family and do something nice, or like how Pn Norizan keeps giving us worksheets non stop just to make sure that we're steadily studying Biology, and Puan Waheeda that usually come at night to supervise us doing Addmaths accompanied by Pn Nina, our counsellor, and the other teachers, oh I don't know what else that they had done behind our backs just to make sure that we're on track. I never care about the teachers until now. I tend to appreciate them more nowadays since they're the only backbones that I have at school other than the prayers that my parents send to me from home.

Keeping your smile at this stake is very hard. I haven't cover anything yet although trials with start next week due to the overflowing workload, and I feel very defeated. I think everyone, especially Ma knows how I like to whine and blame everyone on everything, but there's a verse in the Quran, I can't remember which, that says,

                    " Sesungguhnya manusia itu suka mengeluh. Apabila dia diuji, maka dia akan berkeluh kesah. Melainkan orang-orang yang menunaikan solat"

I learnt that during a Tafseer session with Kak Fari, an Old Girl who is the founder of Little Caliph kindergarten franchise. This verse hits me hard because, I pray five times a day without miss. I take them seriously, but why am I still whining?

So whenever something shows up, I will immediately shut my mouth tight and play the verse back in my head. It has been calmer for me to accept rather than to whine over something that cannot be changed after all. I have to go through it, so I rather go through it positively. Try it, In Shaa Allah it will do you some good too.

Speaking about teachers makes me think about Cikgu. Seeing my teachers sacrificing for us makes me reflect on how much he has sacrificed for me since I was little. It was haywire back then, but he chose to step in and rush me out from the fire. I never take it deeply back then because our interactions are more like friends, but as I grow up and live far from home, it started to reveal infront of my eyes.

As a teenager with a roof that will blow in no time, there are hard times that we will have big fights, like the fights that you usually have with your mom or dad. It was always leaving the conversation hanging, running away and avoiding each other until at one point, I will step in to apologise and he will come and call me back. There are always desicions that makes me hate him and feeling like shouting on top of my lungs, " I am a big girl already! You don't have the right to say the last word anymore!", but when sometimes I tell Ma about it, she will always say, " Grow up as fast as you want, but in our eyes, you're always our little girl". That time, I will always cut her with a feisty laugh, but now, it makes me sad. As I grow up, I will grow distant from the people at home. I will be distant from him. Even right now, I think all I need is his figure sitting across me and comfort me with his consoling voice just like the way he does it when I was really frustrated when I was little.

Gosh, I miss him badly :(

Saturday, 22 July 2017

07:58:00
" I don't want to be near to someone foreign. I want to be so close to you even when it means to be far apart, doing different things at different times. I don't know where this distance will bring us this time, or make us feel, I don't know, I am not sure. I don't know that it will collide us towards each other or stretch us far apart until we snap. Until we meet again, I will keep looking up to the night sky where the moon is in crimson, maybe somewhere, out there, in the darkest night, you are looking back at it as well."

Wednesday, 19 July 2017

Jog

03:31:00
Everything has been quite a storm that barged into my life lately, and I feel very out of place. It's true that Rome wasn't built in a day but these chaos wiped all my fences gone.

God, why is Ed Sheeran playing while I'm writing this?

Honestly, I feel very numb. I can't differentiate between being happy or sad, sometimes I'm up watching the fireworks on Everest and a blink of eye later, I am stranded after being pushed down a cliff. Everything that revolves in my life seems mad and I can't join the dots to any of them, but they say that in this world, the mad people are sane, so I conclude that I am the 'okay'est person on the planet. In my universe, at least.

I used to dislike Lang Leav. One minus point for her expensive books that I can finish after an hour in the bookstore while waiting for Ma to finish her shopping spree, and I am fine with expensive books, like R.M.Drake's, but not when it only has 200-300+ pages. Another minus point for her proses and poems that only circulates in one idea; love. She is a good writer, and I am anticipated in reading her works, but the hype will be gone after 20 pages. An unpopular opinion of mine, there are other feelings in the world. Anxious, angry, bored, lazy, curious, sad, sick, crazy, lost, not feeling anything. Why not make a masterpiece by combining them all. I even have a poem about the pain of a mosquito bite. No kidding.

But yesterday, I don't know whose novel did it belong to, but it has been residing at the bookshelf for quite some time, with thick dust covering it. I was trying to distract myself, so I pulled it out. It was The Universe Of Us from Leav. I read it anyway, and I was shocked, because it felt that all the words that she penned on the paper shot me like bullets to my chest. I felt it was written for me, or the exact feeling, as if I was the one that wrote it. That is the power of poets. They make you feel less alone when they convey their hearts out. Not all, but there may be a few stanzas that they described perfectly that you wish you can write the same. Wish you can tell the same.

I also went for a jog, after months of not doing so. The usual pain came, but I ran anyway, knowing that it will ease after all. I wished every step that I ran to all the doubts and problems that I have, hoping that I could leave them behind. I didn't know what will that has pushed me, but I managed to run a round of TASA. Believe me, this was my first. Am I reliving memories? I don't know. I just keep running.

When there's a will, there's a way, and God, please show me one.

Monday, 17 July 2017

Fingernails

00:22:00
Ma and I were chilling in the car that was parked near the basketball court after lunch. Time check, 2.45 p.m. Ma didn't have the radio on, she wanted to listen to Ungu's Tercipta Untukku that she downloaded on her tab. Maybe, well, maybe, she had found the one after all.

                            " Come, show me your nails. Are your nails long?", Ma asked while searching for a nailclipper in her makeup bag. I grinned and handed my fingers to her. She shook her head and pulled my hand closer to her. She covered her lap with a Crocs recyclable bag to not let my nails make a mess. I know how to clip my own nails, I certainly do, but I will never clip it as perfect as Ma, especially at my toenails. So, when she clips her nails at home, I will come near to her and plaster my face at the waste basket where she throws her long nails away. It is also like a manicure session for me hehe.

As she was clipping my nails, Ma sighed and said,

                           "Macamanalah kalau mama dah tak ada nanti".

I gasped and my heart suddenly ache, but I encountered those uneasy feelings by jokingly saying, "Ma, apalah guna seorang suami nanti", yes, dear future husband, when you marry a Maleen, you have to marry her flaws, clinginess and her dependance towards you, such as helping her to clip her nails and make sure she has them short by the weekend. On the other hand, I'll try my best to train myself to iron a pair of slacks without double lines and master many techniques of tying a tie knot. 

Ma didn't utter a laugh and continued to clip my nails. Her silence sunken me into my deep thoughts. I am very 'manja' with Ma, and my other family members because I am the only child in the family and the firstborn grandchild. I live with Ma, only the two of us most of the time due to some circumstances, so imagine how I am very close to her despite the petty fights and all, but it is always settled within a question, "Let's go eat". 

I figured out that the reason why I want Ma to do the little things for me, such as clipping my fingernails, sometimes comb my hair, is because I want to make little bits of memories here and there with her. And living away from her makes me realize that maybe, somehow I can retrieve some of the times that I'm not there with her by doing these little things. Maybe, nauzubillah, if she leaves first, I have a chamber of them with me to re-live in our small house in Klang, our common ground.

I can read it from her face, I know that she was, and always worried about me. I understand why. I do have relatives and all, but if she's gone, I will lose my little family. I will lose my place of comfort. I will lose the only person that can read me like an open book and knows it all, and handle me with patience that she may also lose sometimes when my tantrums strike. Who will I turn to when the day comes? Who can ever have the wisdom to deal with all my emotional wrecks and shits? Who will be reliable enough for me to depend on and have the generous courtesy to help me remembering Ma by doing things that she had used to do for me, like clipping my nails? 

The grand question is, who will be strong enough to not give up and hold me back up when I am totally lost to destiny?

I know I will never do enough to repay all her kindness and blessings for raising me, but I hope I will be given the space and time to do the best for her before she leaves in peace. 

Yes, I can be very dependant and all, but she doesn't have to worry, as her daughter is an explorer that collects her strength from the beach sky and the beating waves, and someday the pebbles of sand will carve lines on the way she should go. She has absolute faith in that.




Sunday, 16 July 2017

The Embarassment

01:00:00
      " Leen, you should only call him for maximum, 2 times. If he didn't answer then just let it be", Ell said sternly after I came back from the payphone. She dozed off last night so she didn't know what only God knows how many times I did nothing but dialling his phone number again and again after 2 hours of strictly Biology. I didn't mind dialling that much because the payphone didn't take up my money, and all it said was, "Sila Dail". Piya was the one who got lucky, she managed to get Aqil on the line only with one try. Here I was, switching my position to a thirdwheeler.

     I swore to myself that I will only try thrice at the afternoon, and if he didn't pick up, then I'll have to let it be. Maybe he was busy. It was incomplete for me to not bid him goodbye before he enters school again. Routines, I must say.

    I was about to give up when I heard "Hello?", on the other side.

                    " Do you have any missed calls on your phone? I tried calling you and I was expecting to hear a voicemail if you don't answer, but the payphone asked me to dial again"

                    " Yup, 11 actually."

   My jaw dropped instantly. Since when did I dialled so many times? And how did it get to the extend of...11 trials?! I am glad that he didn't have to see me jumping up and down with my baju kelawar because I was so embarassed. Man, what?! I couldn't even believe myself. Maleen, where the hell is your pride and integrity? Just wait when Ell knows about this, I will definitely get a two-hour lecture on 'Why Do You Have To Be So Stupid?"

Let me give you a quick trivia. Maleen Balqish is a person that will go the extra mile when you have succeeded to reserve a room in her heart. She devotes herself to them; her family, her best friends, the people that she choose to be around her and her passion,  and she will do anything to make sure that their wellbeing is wholly happy and healthy, with and without her presence. Sometimes, she overdoes them, like calling a person 11 times, but she just wants to check up on you and make sure that you're okay, and aware that she is always there to be with you through thick and thin.

She can be very matured at solving other people's problems or answering Pendidikan Agama Islam's KBAT questions, but she too, realized that she is so innocent when it comes to dealing with her own emotions. She has nothing to give you, and nothing against you, except for the great affection that she developes for you. Break her, tear her, drown her, she has been through that so many times. But, she never gets it why she has the courage to stand up, forgive you and start the process all over again. I know what people will label her. Naive. Push her around and toy her all you want, because she only knows that life is a pure, empty canvas although you have splattered it with red marks.

I don't know how many times do I have to repeat this phase but she can be very attached to you. Yes, it's true, she does keeps all her feelings to herself and expects you to know by your own, but she is never afraid to show that she cares. She is never afraid of making the first move, asking about your whereabouts, how are you feeling, what are your likes and dislikes, and certainly remember them in order to make you comfortable with her. And... call you 11 times just to bid you goodbye until she gets to talk to you again. I warn you, break it out to her, leave quick and run as fast as you can if you don't like being bothered that way, because being mistaken as annoying is the last thing that she wants to be known for.

 Back to the conversation, he talked to me as usual and laughed a lot along the way, maybe he was just like me, clueless of things to say. When it's time to end the call for the last time, we exchanged wishes.

                                    " Take care", I said.

                        " You too. Drink a lot of water please, and study hard, okay?"

                                    " I'll study hard, promise"

                      There was a gap of silence until I said,

                                        " Miss you"

                                        "Hm, okay"

I feel like banging my head on the wall at that moment. Head Maleen was yelling angrily at me saying, "What the hell did you just said?!" while Heart Maleen encountered the situation and confronted Head Maleen while hugging me, " Isn't it usual for her to say that? She said it on texts".

Head Maleen then reached a rifle beside her and targeted Heart Maleen's head, " Don't you know that saying it live is a huge mistake?! He may just answered 'Me too' with a frowning emoji on texts because he just wants to please you and not hurt your feelings. Worse, he doesn't even mean it! Don't you remember what Addie told you? Differentiate kind gestures from signs! Ah, why do I have to deal with someone so naive?!"

And there they are, Head Maleen and Heart Maleen starting World War III in my system, leaving me as the middle man, more confused than ever.

Ah! Why is it so hard to be naive!


Friday, 14 July 2017

#2

21:33:00
He's finally home for the weekend, and how i missed him so! *virtualhugs* *buthalalgap* *sepwilldo*

"James huh?", he asked with a quirky laugh. He approved of the name and he googled James Dean because he never heard of him. To him, James Dean was so-so. He was like that too, so-so to people but he swoons them over their feet.
What on earth did I get myself into.

We exchanged updates on the first two weeks of school, and it was hell for both of us. He said he feels unwell. The maximum number of days he will be sick is 3 days. He said to not worry as his fever is usually not that bad and he can still have the energy to study. Eh hello, how I am supposed to not feel worried? Even not hearing from him makes my heart feel uneased.

He read everything here, and I managed to say sorry for not opening up to him. Yes, he let me walk away, uncharged. Hehe.

I lied on my bed last night after the quick conversation, feeling calm than ever. I feel that a burden had been lifted from my chest, and dozed off with a smile. I want to make the most out of these two days to spend more time with him before we have to separate ways again for weeks. He told me to hold on. "Continue studying and you'll be out of this in no time. What's glory without sacrifices, kan?" , he comforted me when I whined on how I cannot go home for almost two months until Eid Ul Adha. A baby, I am.

               "Yes, success requires commitments!" , I shouted at the payphone, feeling motivated. He is everything now. My happy pill, my booster. Let's just hope that he won't be a heartbreaker.

Cheers to #2, #5 to go!

Thursday, 13 July 2017

Talking To The Moon

03:38:00
“ Leen, look at the moon!” 

Wa exclaimed with excitement, as we mesmerize the glowing full moon that was very close to the surface of the Earth. I have always wanted to experience the night view at TASA, our sports arena, and dragging Wa along for the first try wasn’t a mistake. We sat at the benches and watched the fading orange shades of sunset at the sky changed to a dark blue hue. Suddenly, we saw the stars twinkle one by one, dispersed, decorating the sky like touching up a well-painted canvas. We couldn’t help but saying Subhanallah repeatedly as we witness The Almighty’s beautiful creations.


We lied down on the lanes of the running track with our baju kurungs, camouflaging in the dark to not get caught by any of the guards that were doing their rounds with their motorcycles. Unladylike, I know. We aimlessly stared at the sky and started looking for constellations. Wa was looking for the belt ( I can’t remember the name, I left Standard Six a long time ago) because she said it is the star to determine the direction of the Qiblat. I let her be and sink in my own thoughts.
           
 “ What will you do if you have the power to control time?”, Wa asked, her eyes were still wild hunting for the desired constellation.
     
“ I don’t know, maybe I’ll turn back time to Form 2. Life was enjoyable back then. What about you?”
          
   “ If I have the power to control time, I would like time to stand still at this very moment”
Yes, that’s Wa, my rough, rugged, tough best friend. We have 5 months left of sticking around and seeing each other’s faces everyday. I believe that the thought of ending school soon is heavenly, but maybe someday I’ll be waking up to the fact that I won’t be coming back here to laugh at all their jokes and live life with all these funny dramas will hit me very hard.

We went there too on the next day, and we pulled Ell along to join us. It was hilarious, because there was a car with very bright headlights were making our visions blur and lighted up the whole sports arena. We were anxious of getting caught so we tried our best to hide in between the stairing benches to avoid from being seen. It was surreal. We were like the most wanted criminals in the country and the car may be full of police officers that wanted to lock us up in jail for… what? Looking at the stars aimlessly while having deep-straight-to-the-heart conversations? But what’s high school life without any thrilling stories? At least I have things in store to tell my kids, and there are more schemes to come. Mischievious student alert!

Staring into the deep night makes me remember about James. Uh, I think I’ll just refer to him as ‘him’. When I tried to read back my post using that name, I felt disconnected with him. It feels like I am trying to replace his identity. I’m sorry Vivy, I can’t be a loyal fan.
I always refer to him as my ‘moon’ because he likes to send me black moon emojis when he wishes me good night, or when he’s being cheeky. I’m the yellow one. I know Wa and Ell don’t like it when I mention him, because maybe deep down they thought that their koala, shrek and whatever names that they call me has been snatched away from them. Ell even actually wanted a mandate, she didn’t want him to call me ‘Leen’ or even ‘Maleen’, because she calls me that. Haha. Well, I’m sorry that everyone that knows  me calls me by my own name!

Somehow, a bigger part of me wanted him to be there, stargazing too. I don’t know if he’ll enjoy it as much as I do, but he once told me that he really wanted to race at TASA’s track someday, if he was given a chance to do so. The sports arena has eased the feeling a little. I wonder how he’s doing now. I hope that he’s always fine and happy, with chicken and sports in the evening, his two favourite things. We do have some places that we wanted to go, so we can enjoy more sceneries. Now here’s the pros of being out of school. Not to forget, the long awaited roadtrip around Malaysia with my friends too! Yes guys, I’m still going. Don’t worry. I won’t be in a position to choose between you guys or him, as all of you are equally important to me. No arguing needed.

Haih.
In the midst of hardwork, dramas, patching memories with friends and missing him, the stars still align to bring me peace.

Sunday, 9 July 2017

#1

02:42:00
This week had been a turbulence for everyone around me. Wa was still trying very hard to back up and move on from her dad’s loss when she had to face the pain of losing her best friend that is also close to me. I also heard of Ell’s Opah Cheetah’s passing last few days, and she never shed a tear infront of us, although only God knows where and when she breaks down by herself. Ell is just being Ell, she never shows her feelings and make people worry. I am surrounded by very strong people and they are my inspiration for me to keep holding on to the obstacles in my universe that is not even half as hard as theirs.

Living my first week of school after the break and knowing there’s 6 more weeks to go before another makes my body jerk to adapt to the surroundings. It is different now. Every landmark that I pass to when I walk around has its own significant memory. There’s always a thing that he wants to do and the things that he say that will echo in my mind. Wait- enough with the ‘he’ game. Adding more Vivy Yusof’s influence to this blog, I shall call him James, as how Vivy addresses Fadza as Dean. The name ‘James’ itself sounds charming to me, and he has the daydream look in his eyes like James Dean’s from his photos (Oh wait, maybe that’s why Vivy calls Fadza Dean! Or maybe she just westernizes Deen Nasi Kandar, as she loves to go to mamaks) and a noble heart like Sir James Young, a fictional character of a doctor that has helped Singaporeans during the Japanese Occupation, as told in the Crazy Rich Asians trilogy. Finally, I can crown someone with that name, although to only add more mystery in the air, and himself. At least one fine day, when I have lost my memory, gone senile or something, I can still read here, or someone can help read this to me, and remember that there is someone that I cherish in my life and I called him by my favourite name.
                                  
 “ How is James? Is he alright?” 


That has become Ma’s routine questions everytime she picks up my call or visit me in school. Of course, Ma calls him by his real name, and she doesn’t know whatever that happens here. She has been asking about his wellbeing, and all I can answer is,
                     
“ He’s fine, Ma. He must be studying hard right now.”

Ma has always favoures his ‘sons’ ( I have more guy bestfriends at primary school until I enter an all-girls high school). Ekmal, for instance, and my cousin Am, are her favourites. She even trusts me to go out with them even to the end of the world than my girl friends. I am careless, she said, and need an eye to keep out on me. Alhamdulillah, I have such responsible friends that will always keep me at the safe scene and watches out on me. If not, I may have missed a movie, or a train, or a bus, get scammed or kidnapped. I never bother to hide anything from her, because in a blink of an eye, she knows everything by herself.

-          I am glad that she favours James, too.

At times I feel very sad because I don’t know actually what’s going on with him. I don’t know if my definition of ‘fine’ suits his situation at the moment. Why do we have to be so close yet so far? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s just my feelings. But, it’s something that I cannot undo because he has been a part of my life.
 I tried my luck to call James last night. Once at 1 am, once at 2 am, the times that he may still not be asleep.
                         “ Oh sorry, the number you have dialled is unreachable”

Gosh. He didn’t bring his phone along. Such a bummer.

The second week of school is going to start tomorrow, and I should be adjusted back to the routine by then. Please. You must be, Maleen. James is probably studying hard and not thinking about anything else while I’m overthinking here. I guess I’ll just have to go back to my books, and keep him at the back of my mind.
You’ll always be in my thoughts, James.
#1 down, #6 to go.

Monday, 3 July 2017

The Heartbreak

20:25:00
I don't know which is worse.

He posted a Boomerang with a girl.
or
They were an item, as suspected by Nad.
or
I felt frustrated.
or
There's no solid reason for me to be that way.

I thought I was so used with being hurt until this. This foreign heartbreak was so unusual. It felt like your veins were cut off and your heart was slashed with a samurai sword. It was so painful that I couldn't even scream to call for help and all I could do was to silently cry.

It was my fault. It was the consequences that I had to take when I first chose to know him. I've had all the warnings alarming me in my head, yet I decided to go for the chase and search for him. I knew that sooner or later, this emotional wreck will hit me. Sometimes, I wish I could turn back time and prevent myself from learning him too much, conceeding to the fact that I will get attached. I don't ever want to develop this feeling that will kill each soul that keeps it, especially on him. Jealousy.

                                   " Love is sefless, Leen", Ell told me this many times. " You should be happy when he is". But, where where can I even insert the big 'L' word in this sentence when he never promised me anything? We are happy staying us, in this way that we can't describe, so why does these jingle of emotions of mine has to ruin it all? I am totally confused.

I remembered that morning when I came downstairs and found Ma lazily sitting on the couch at the living room. I sat beside her, and rested my head on her arm. She was a genie in a bottle, she could read everything that is clogging up in my mind.

                                 "Still can't forget about yesterday?", Ma asked.

                              I nodded and immediately buried my head in her chest.

              "Sayang, here's the thing. You can lose a lover, but you won't afford to lose a friend. Don't dive deeper. Just let time decide."
"
 I know it is hard. I know you will have to swallow all the ugly truth by yourself, but at least, at the end of the day, you still have him, and he still has you. One day, both of you will know where to go from here.Trust me".

I waited for him, just to see if I mean something in his life. He texted that afternoon, and I continued talking with him as usual, and I don't know if God was on my side that day that there were 2 SRK movies showing on TV. One at 2, and one at 9.

I was enjoying the night movie round, it was K3G. I was giving my 100% focusing on my on-screen boyfriend and my phone was on silent mode, just to distract myself from having those unanswered questions on my mind again and again. When the movie had a commercial break, I took my phone and saw a notification.

                        " I see that you are having too much fun with your movie. Just let me know if you want to sleep, okay?"

Such a sweetheart. Although the movie ended at 1am, I used the opportunity to write an article in order to stay longer. He was also completing his calculations, so we accompanied each other. I was done with my work and he wasn't, so I chose to return the favor.

                       " But it was 2.45 am. , way past your bedtime. Aren't you sleepy?", Yes, he still remembered that I am usually knocked out by 2.

                            "No", I said, still keeping it natural. "Besides, I feel that we haven't talked much for the past two days". Two days makes a difference when you communicate with someone everyday without fail.

                       " I rasa macam you marah I je", he startled me that instant. Was it too obvious? I did tweet a frowning emoji, but that was it. How could he, as a guy, can be so alert with his surroundings?

                        "Tak adalah"

                    "U sure?"

That time, I was searching for any of my friends who were online at 3 am in the morning and had some feedbacks coming in when I told them what was roughly happening, but not with who. How am I supposed to say at his face that I was horribly jealous when I don't have the right to? He will think that I am out of my mind and maybe distant himself from me. All I could say was,

                             "You"

                             "Yes?"

                      "Whatever happens kan, you'll always have me tau". He had me guaranteed. I never know what will happen in the future, but whatever may come, come. I'll always have his back no matter what.

                   "Sometimes, I rasa I ni jahat. I made you feel sad lately".

Oh gosh. I started weeping.

He was the most amazing person that I ever met. Someone that remembers everything that I say, someone that I know I can reach to when I am in need. Someone that is always on the opposite side, that has contradicting opinions with me. I understand the world in a different pair of eyes when I'm with him, and I find peace too in it. He makes me improve as a person, and he makes me more than happy all the time. How can I ever give this up only due to an ounce of all of this jeopardy due to this jealousy? He was never bad to me. It was time, it was the situation, it was our pasts haunting us again. Nevertheless, despite all these, our moments have been more than perfect. I swear to myself that I don't want to ruin the picture any longer.

We reconciled. I don't know about him, but I was touched by his words. How foolish of me to think so badly of him, when he is just a sweetheart.

Two days at school had given me the space to think. Yes, I do feel sad, yes, I am still heartbroken, but now I understand what he said to me earlier,

                        " That's why we need to trust each other and never talk lies"

I should try to trust him. No, I must trust him. This is what he meant all along. Everyday, I pray that he will achieve his dreams and find his happiness

-and I hope that I have given him happiness, even a little.

P/S: If you're reading this, I'm sorry, and I miss you. :')
                   

Friday, 30 June 2017

Toilet

12:04:00
i am asking myself
over and over again while
cringing under the shower
downpour at 1 am
"what did i do wrong?"
replaying like a mixtape
i feel like banging my own head
to the checkered walls so that
I don't have to remember any of
these again.

i am grasping for air
while my own lies drown my
face into a basin of truth
but please,
i pleade,
push my head deeper
until my heart sinks
so it doesn't have to feel the pain
as it shatter due to the vows you
never promised.

don't pull my strands of hair to
pull my head
please don't save me,
i beg.
i don't want to rest my temples
at the edge with bloodshot
eyes and dry myself with a towel
and strut out looking just fine.

Please,
leave me.

Thursday, 29 June 2017

Sea

10:32:00
strolling barefeet along the coast
let the strong rays of sun shade my eyes
whispered a prayer to the clouds
hoping the sky will fix it fine

the wind stormed out and messed my hair like my feelings messed my dreams
my intentions go back and forth like the water
non stop overthinking

i am the raging waves ruining
the shore
-i was angry.
but your reflection makes it
a beautiful scenery
makes me twinkle during
quarters of the night

you make people stare
at me with serene
-i was finally at peace.

Tuesday, 27 June 2017

The Guilt

09:48:00
 We were talking about distance. I told you about my perspective on distance which it has only two outcomes; either it will make us being further and drift apart from each other until it ends by itself or the feeling grows stronger that makes us realize that we do need each other so much in our lives and we will hold on until we see each other again. Twelve days of being away from you have changed me. I have never felt so reluctant of being apart from someone. I have thought about this a lot in the long duration, and I know that it is the second option with you. Good night texts have never been so important for me, nor good morning wishes either. What kind of magic have you been using? You have changed me-no, you have completed me.

                         " That's why we need to trust each other and talk no lies"

Gulp. Your words caught me at my throat and froze my fingers. I don't know any kind of heartwarming words to type anymore. I coaxed myself. I didn't lie to you. I never did. I swear to God, I have never lied to you. It was just that, there are some not-so-big-but-not-so-little-information-that-I-purposely-leave-out-because-I-don't-want-to-ruin-us-but-now-I-feel-guilty-as-hell because you are a nice person and you mean the world to me. I knew exactly the person that I should call for the emergency before I drown us down.

                                   "Just ask him directly. Don't swirl your words, just shoot it"

After rehearsing a few sentences with Elle so that I won't mess this up, I literally copied what I rehearsed from Telegram to WhatsApp and sent all of it him.

                            "You, I don't know if we're in a state of comfort to tell each other everything but I will ask you once and I won't ask you this again."

                          "Do you still love her?"

My heart leaped out of my body when I sent those. I was like, God, please don't let this go wrong. I don't want this to end so soon. God, help me. God, please, it's Syawal, don't let be Airmata Syawal for me please.

                     "Who?"

             "I think you know who I mean"

                   "Eh seriously I tak tahu ni"

MasyaAllah brother are you serious? Is he playing games with me or he really doesn't know what I'm talking about, or specifically who I'm talking about? I really wanted to avoid saying her name in this case to avoid any throwbacks or anything. I just wanted assurance. An answer. 

I had to, and believe it or not, he was cool about it. I don't know if he was hiding it beneath him, but he was always cool when he talks to me about everything in the world. It was a 50/50 answer, but I was relieved. Phew. 

We escalated in talking about other things and asking each other on what other things that we wanted to know, so I answered him, honestly and truthfully. It was going well as usual, as open as we used to be until-

He quoted my golden question above and asked, " Kenapa you tanya I soalan ni?"

Gulp. My heart didn't just leaped out. My heart literally crashed my ribcage with a F1 racing car, tore my skin, broke its ties with the veins and exited out of my body. Oh God. Sometimes why it is so easy for people to dig things out of me. 

                            "Oh, I'm just curious", I was shivering when I typed those.

                          "Oh okayy"

I am not lying, but there are some not-so-big-but-not-so-little-information-that-I-purposely-leave-out-because-I-don't-want-to-ruin-us-but-now-I-feel-guilty-as-hell.

Because you mean the world to me, that's why. And I'm afraid that it may ruin us. That has been my ultimate fear.

Let's just enjoy the fireworks while it lasts, but they can never outshine you.

Thursday, 22 June 2017

Tepung Pelita

02:32:00
It all started with a phone call that made me felt miserable the whole day. I was devastated. I was demotivated. I felt the world was turning its back to me. I have never felt so alone in my life. I had nobody to run to. If I could, I would like to leave. I couldn't describe in detail on what had happened because I no longer want to remember one of my most horrible nightmares, but-

                           this is the part where i miss you the most.

i enjoy the comfort of freely talking to you about everything and anything without a hint of feeling insecure. well, yes, of course, sometimes i wonder if you do judge me somehow because we just met and i may expose too much of the darker side of mine that will only make me look like a bipolar crazy lady or something, but as long as you don't complain yet, i would like to seize the moment. 

you won't stop asking until i say why, and you will coax me until i feel better. you always give me wise unpopular opinions and advices. i knew that we promised ourselves that twelve days won't be long but at that moment, i felt very frail. how i wish that you're not here with me.

i kept that long face until dinnertime until suddenly, i saw a tepung pelita served beside my plate. my little CS bought them for the whole table. looking at it, i started to carve a crescent smile.

" I memang suka tepung pelita. wajib ada waktu iftar"

it may just be a coincidence, but i choose what i want to believe. and i believe that maybe, you will always find ways to cheer me up. that's your nature after all, spreading good vibes to the people around you.

i never ate a tepung pelita before, but that night, i savoured it until the last spoonful. and it was delicious :)

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

#threedaysafter

00:32:00
Finally, I can sneak into the library and check on email updates, also brainstorming for this week's article for Affinity. I am just randomly scrolling at my social accounts.

                         "If you miss me, update your blog."
Hence, I am here.

Saturday, 10 June 2017

A Fortnight

09:56:00

you made silent nights more
memorable with
your loud mind 
and taught me how
to see the floating
clouds in different shapes
in broad daylight.

pardon me if this isn't two-way
but good night wishes seems
to be a routine
even if my eyes pull the blanket
early
but waking up to one
makes me feel complete.

my stories are boring
but i am impressed
on how someone can
pay attention and
ask further questions
i am not being a sly
but you just jumped
from a cliff to my
deep rantings,
be prepared to drown.

-like i'm always ready to sink into yours.

we travel into each other's dreams
flying like broke wanderlusts
hoping to witness the sunrise
that we always wanted to see
when we become conscious
from the tickling sand
or our feet hanging 
meters above sea level
and embrace our shadows
as it sets goodbye

-but we won't.

we keep our inner vows sacred
and we don't need assurance to
ensure that we are each other's
backbones

be free to run
and take what is yours

you'll have cuts
you'll feel the pain of sore bruises
you might be empty in a crowd

no matter what will it be,
and what it will be next,

just look at the sea,
and i'll be there.

Tuesday, 6 June 2017

Saturday, 27 May 2017

Deeper Conversation

20:56:00
"Is your favourite colour blue
Do you always tell the truth
Do you believe in outer space
And now I'm learning you"

I took a leap of faith to text you that day because I do talk to you but we always let the dialogues hanging, so I pushed the grey flag emoji.
' I want to know you better'

"What do you want to know?", you asked.

It was a tricky question because I wanted to know everything about you, but I was afraid that I will make you uncomfortable. I was afraid that my big mouth will make you shut yourself out from me. I was afraid that I will be too chatty that will make you feel annoyed. Finally, I settled down with this :

"What is your music preference?"

Lame, I know. Thank God I didn't ask for your full name instead.

You told me you have universal eargasm that you hear to everything according to your mood.  We found out our first difference when I said that I hear to club music when I break down but you choose to hear ballads to calm you, but ballads will only add misery to my sorrows
- and that was not the only one that we found out about ourselves.
Your spirit animal is a tiger because you are amazed with fast animals, while mine is a lazy koala that sleeps for 23 hours. We shared our personal wisdoms in life, the issues in our country, our dilemmas and shits that keep holding us back. It was sad to see such a gem like you give up with the world so I tried to shine some light, but I was afraid if it was too bright. But you told me you like to hear uplifting words from people so I kept going on.
Apparently, we heard the exact same concept of giving from two different people and it amazed us on how God works in miraculous ways. You asked to me spill how I ended up here talking to you, so I had to burst all the cheeky moments, and actually, I lied. Your voice was not the only information that I had about you. You turned your back. So that marks the start of my quest to find you. The rest was purely true.

We only took a couple of hours to escalate from acquaitances to friends, I am glad that I found someone that can accept and exchange my wildest opinions. You always have something to say about everything, and it fascinates me. I definitely settle with agreements but I love different ideas. I also slept well for the opportunity to be closer to you, even binded by technology, but whatever that is happening in your life, my heart conveys to you.

"Thank you for lending me your ears", you said, as I became sleepy and started to tuck into bed.

"I never mind for more rounds of sessions like this"
- I want to learn more about, and from you.

Friday, 26 May 2017

Explorer

08:33:00
my midnight thoughts broaden its arms to cradle your 
effortless fragile heart
people see you blindly with their naked eyes
but you are spiritually a warrior
walking bared feet into the hollow woods
they claim the lion as king
but you are the emperor
all hail to the vined thoughts
and bizzared illusions
that i ought to drown into.

my table lamp shines upon you;
a modern lantern that i light up
in this dark bedroom
hoping that the stars outside will notice
and align into constellations for you
to read 
and find your way back home.
you are not good with bearings
but i hope that you do get the idea
from the strength of the magnetic
field that my silent prayers convey

wherever you stopped today,
sleep with a blanket of trust
and feel the warmth of love,
my love.

come home fast
my brave explorer,
let's go on a new trip
soon.

Saturday, 20 May 2017

Lessons Before My 17th Birthday

03:28:00
Approximately 20 minutes before my 17th birthday, I am lying on my two single beds that I pushed them together to become queen sized, lazily let Pepe the penguin that Ell gave me to support my head while writing this. This year, I have been sending threads to my favourite people of the things that I am grateful for having them in my life, and I do want to do the same for myself as well but I can't find any in this oversized figure yet. Thus, I think I'll just list out what I have learnt prior to the day that I'll turn 17.

1. Don't expect that you'll get back what you give, but then, God has promised that He will reward you for your patience and good deeds, for He, is the richest of them all. Therefore, you will still get back the price for everything that you give, but in different miraculous ways that none of us can expect. And He, knows best.
2. Personally, I think the reason why I don't have a lover/not interested in puppy loves with no guarantee/haven't find the right one is because God wants me to spend more time with my loved ones. I do everything with them more than anyone else in the world, but sometimes I took the moments for granted. I'll always let time swing by like another passerby when I'm with them, and I hope that I still have more chances to repay all the time that I have wasted.
3. I always forget that as I am eager to grow up to finally soar my wings and live my own life, my loved ones are getting older too. It is heartbreaking to see hints of wrinkles on Ma, Ba, and Cikgu's skin whenever I see them. They won't tell me directly to my face on what they feel, but I just know they're all afraid of me leaving them. Some days, I miss them a little too much as well and yes, I don't say it out loud either. I pray to God everyday so that I will be given the golden opportunity to repay their kindness for raising me up with their strength and knowledge and be able to make them smile. J
4. You don't need a lot of friends to be happy. I am serious. To be frank, I do purposely keep my circle of friends small because I would handpick the people that will stay by my side as I would do for them. It is toxic to have backstabbing friendships, been there done that. For years living and knowing them, I can confidently say that my friends are all keepers.
5. Do what you want to do whole-heartedly. Boost your potential and give 100% to it. Build your base, build your name, earn your fame. There's no flights to the top so hike the mountain. Journalism is my game, and there's no way I'll back out from it. Ever.
6. Success requires commitments, success requires failures.
7. When you feel down, play some music. When you feel happy, play some music. When you feel angry, play some music. Immense in those feelings that blends with the lyrics and all of the pain will go away.
8. Always be grateful for the things and the people around you. Appreciate their presence. Show that you care.
9. God is the best listener as He is nearer to you than your own nerves, thus pray to him. He knows everything but tell him all. Ask for His guidance, for He can give you the light to show your way back home.
10. Some people may not talk to you anymore for no solid reason as longts as you can remember. Just think that it is just life taking its course. I learnt this from a Tumblr post for someone and I am glad I read it.the
11. Don't rush into things, take your own pace to get there.
12. The only important root to live a happy life is love. Cherish, accept and spread love. Your worries will be clouded.
13. The thing about love at this age is that, it is full of uncertainties and reasons. I, myself too still cannot differenciate between admiration and love. One minute you like a person, one minute you feel you're a piece of garbage because they, and all boys in the world don't notice your existence, one minute you'll sink in those depressions and one minute, you're floating back up, living your life and don't even remember why you fell for that person in the first place. It is foolish, I know. I have never been much of a dating person but I think at this age, it is time for me to back out and don't love someone unless it is solely love.
14. Don't let little things ruin your long-built relationship with someone. Yes, I am very upset if my loved ones don't remember my birthday or don't come to my events or just be there for me, but there is always a spot in my heart when I look at them, I'll feel like pulling their arm, "Aw, come here" and hug them tight. The fight is useless. The fight is meaningless. At the end, all that you got is each other after all.