Wa,

1,

I will keep this short and sweet since you are used to receiving long paragraphs from me, and probably you're expecting this letter from someone else. Don't close the tab yet, I have a few words to convey.

I will always remember you. After a successful meeting, during brainstorming sessions, scrolling funny Tweets on Twitter that you might have seen first, anything that is significant to you, I remember. Sometimes I wanted to hit you up and tell you what I have discovered on that day, but I am unsure if you will be interested like before. Sometimes I will wonder how you've been when I don't see you on my wall, but I always pray that Allah will keep an eye on you and ease your difficulties. Ever since you told me that you kept me in your prayers, I will never forget to mention your name in mine, believing that He will protect you from any kinds of harm. And I will never stop from doing so.

Thank you for teaching me a lot of things in order for me to be close to Allah. You taught me to perform Dhuha prayers and read the Quran during the intervals during exams, and to be honest, I felt enlightened to answer the questions that I was not confident of. You also taught me the fire method to answer angle questions in Maths, and I never got any of them wrong ever since. Not to forget the bone formula as well.  I learned to appreciate Mama just as much as how you look up to Ayah and Ibu. I learned a lot from our mistakes, and the question marks in between that I used to think that you have the answer, but now I am not sure, and it does not matter anymore. The cracks will still be visible although we try to cover it up anyway, although I am not sure of the cause, and there is no one to blame. Nonetheless, I hope that Allah will grant you His blessings for teaching me those.

Thank you for caring and the time you spent with me. Thank you for the late night phone calls, I miss your laugh now and then. Thank you for looking after me when I was about to do crazy things. Thank you for listening to my rambles and kept up with my antics although you don't deserve any of those. I will remember you, your spirit animal, the correct spelling of your name, your favourite movie genre, everything that you told me from our first deeper conversation. You will remain my favourite person.

I hope that you can bid farewell to 2017 in peace, and a new chapter beholds you.

Xx,
M.

Lyssa,

How can I thank you?

You stood through everything. From H to F to other blind boys that we stumble upon along the way, the hardship of studying, you're always there for me. Even when we're in different classes and you live in the prefects' room, we'll eventually find time for each other after dinner or sit with each other during events, or study together at the library during French to find our moment.

You have always motivated me to push my limits and be the best in everything that I do. You have always supported me through thick and thin in all aspects and will be down for me. You will always check up on me to make sure that I'm fine with any mediums possible to show that you care. Thank you for complimenting me and saying that I'm beautiful when we know you and that bomb personality of yours can swoon anyone off their feet.

Lyssa,

You are one of my inspirations to change spiritually towards the better. Seeing you in the process of getting closer to Allah makes me feel ashamed, makes me feel guilty for not being a good Muslim. You always bring the Quran with you and read them when you have the time, and sometimes share it with me. I strongly think that is the reason why Allah enlighten you in so many ways and you also tell me to always read and pray whenever I am lost. Alhamdulillah, of course, there will always be a new challenge, a new heartbreak, a new wound, a new falling action but I have now known my God, hence to Him I will turn to. It is all thanks to you too. You have opened my eyes to see that at the end of the day, everything returns to Him.

Thank you for being such a good friend, a sister. Thank you for staying put with me since the first day of school until the last day of school and beyond, and I hope that our bond will last for eternity.

Let's bid farewell to our chapter in 2017, for a new fresh start in a new year and beyond. I am excited to lead this new adventure and I want you to be in it, forever.


Xx,
M.

Chens,

Thank you for replying my WhatsApp A.S.A.P. Geddit? Scrap that.

Two years without your presence at school does hit me hard at times. Sometimes I see your cheeky face running around the corridor with me, or hanging out with me in class, or knocking the door to check up on me at my dorm, or I will go to you first. Sometimes, I remember you when I wanted to do things like pranks or hanging out outside at the bench. I wanted to invite you to come and join us but then, I was like, "Chena was out of here since a year ago". It sucks to not have you around. I am grateful that we still can maintain this friendship. I think this is the definition of true love. Not bounded by distance and time.

You are 18 already, I guess I have to stop thinking of you as the little Chens. You even have a boyfriend, let's just hope that this one's a keeper because if not, I will come and make a riot at his college with a baseball net and whoop him out of class so that he can't have both of the privileges that he once had; education and you. I don't want another person to break your heart anymore. You deserve so much happiness in the world as you are kind and nice to everyone. No one can take you down for your looks or what you do or whatever that they can do to you. Your level is above them, remember that.

Thank you for being a makcik with me despite the standards that you have to keep up. Thank you for playing along and running around with me and make full use of technology to be with me in my hard times. I am sorry whenever I'm unreachable when you need me the most. But now I'm here, and will always be.

Let's bid farewell to our chapter in 2017, and start fresh for 2018, and beyond.


Xx,
M.

Belle,

First of all, this is not a throwback post. I don't think your amazing personality needs a specific explanation.

My life has changed ever since you moved in. I feel taken care of. You will always make sure that I change my towels, clean my bag, eat well (although I don't need anyone to tell me to eat when I always rush to the dining hall first and we are always at the same table during meals), pamper me by having our weekend facial treatments and getting rid of so many things (hair is one of them). You are the first one that I will seek advice and the one that will listen to all my cheesy stories first. You are the one that I will go to when I have an unpleasant news that I am not sure whether Elle will accept it wholeheartedly or not, and figuring out how to explain to her next. You are the first to notice that I am not okay just by looking at my expression, or maybe, I am predictable. Nonetheless, you are still the woman of sass that I look up to, and how I want that sass of yours whenever I feel like slaughtering the people that I don't like.

All of us have our own stories, our own personal struggles, and for everything that you had, are, and will be going through, I hope that Allah will ease your journey. You have done enough, you have tried enough, and even more than what you are expected to do, you have worked it over your limits, I know you will give it all and more to make things work. However, believe in this, Allah will grant His servants what they need, not what they want. Sometimes the things that we want could be good to us but it may be bad at certain angles to the extent that it is better for us to not have it at all, that is Allah's secret, He is The Most Knowledgeable. Wherever the light will come from, you will be content and happy, In Sha Allah.

Thank you for being a part of my life and radiate it with happiness and courage for me to do more and more every day for myself and a source of strength for me to recover from my wounds and strive for the best. I wish that I could have done more for you but please remember that I'm always a phone call away.

Now, let's say farewell to our chapter in 2017 and say hello to a fresh start in 2018. Thank you for staying until now, and I hope you're still here with me until the end.


Xx,
M.

E,

Admit it, you are actually a dull person. I am the only one who laughs at your jokes 80% of the time. However, it will be a dull day for me if you are giving me a silent treatment or you are simply sad. You lift my mood up.

I mention you a lot on my blog like I only have one friend. True, you talk a lot until you can't remember what you say but I appreciate our conversations and the significant lines that you blurt out. I keep all your advice and your 'how to's' in my mind, it only depends on whether I want to apply it or not (which I always don't). You don't know how to comfort people, but ironically, whenever I'm sad, you're always there. You don't like hugs or any body contact but you will always stick your arms out and wrap it around me. You won't ask me to stop crying, you won't say anything, but your presence made it bearable. Your pep talk follows after that.

I always have the guilt whenever I say 'no' to you. 'No' to hangouts, 'no' to dates, 'no' to eating your food when I'm full, 'no' to accompany you anywhere. I feel that I was being unfair towards you when I can spare some time with my other friends but not you. There's always something that will come in between whenever you ask me to. I will try to remind myself to spend more time with you out of Telegram. You're a princess, you will always be a priority.

E,

I am sorry for not listening to your warnings or the things that you said. I know that you tried your very best to keep my naiive sight out of the cruel world but there is nothing else that you can do to save me when I am the one who jumps. I know that as a friend, you wanted nothing but the best for me just like how I wanted the same for you. I will now listen and be more cautious since you are no longer with me all the time for me. Please do not worry.

Thank you for the times that we had together. Thank you for knowing me the best, thank you for the nights staying up just for our pillow talk moments. Thank you for listening to all my stories, thank you for remembering me, thank you for being the goofy, elegant you. Thank you for staying with me. I have nothing to repay you.

We are going to say farewell to our chapter in 2017, to start a new one.

Keep on flipping, E. You'll find us in between the pages, promise.



Xx,
M.       

I am currently in Markas Blink, Bukit Jalil, waiting for my SRC (Sesi Reka Cerita) session. There are familiar faces that I know like Aman Wan, Azanil Fitri, and of course, the Malaysian Sophie Kinsella, Ain Maisarah. I have been here since noon but I have been around the condominium and discovered the clubhouse, the swimming pool, the gym and all before I step into this house for the second time, with a big deal, without Cikgu. I have been hitting him up so many times and the last message that we had was,

                         "cikgu, takut."

                  "Buka cermin. Jump!"

                     "Ada swimming pool sini"

              " Swimming pool can't let you bounce. Masuk and bagi salam."

                  "U sure about this?"

                  "Masuk dulu. Kalau bagi salam kat luar orang tak dengar tau"

            "Memang lah. Weh help me"

                    "Bye"

Aduhai. But okay la I just can't put this here, he has been helping me a lot for the past few days. We brainstormed at his house, kept reminding me about my presentation and kept telling me that everything will be okay. I was the one that never listened to anyone, had nerve wrecks although everyone told me that everything will be fine. I am very afraid that I will mess this up. This is my future, the royalty will help me pay so many bills if this works out, In Shaa Allah.

I need to gain my confidence back, pray for me!

Xx,
M.

" What are you waiting for, Leen? Tell me", Elle sat up from her lying down position on my bed.

" I am waiting for him to heal. I want to help him out during the process"

"Then what's next, Leen?"

I kept quiet.

Elle sighed.

"Leen, you are waiting for him to heal in hopes that when he does, he will see you have been there all along. What if he sees someone else, Leen? What will you do after that?"

I kept silent.

"Forget him, Leen."

                                 *                                  *                                    *

Mama didn't like you, she said you are an irresponsible boy.
My friends loathed you, they said you are toxic to me as they see how many times I self-destruct, broke down and cry because of you.
Even the people that knew you, that were close to you, asked me to leave you as soon as possible. They said you are not worth my time.

Guess what I did.

I came to each and every one of them saying,
"He needs some time for himself"
"He is changing"
"Look, he becomes a better man for the both of us."
"He is treating me well"
"He is confused. I will stay and help him"
"He needs a support system. I will be there for him"
Those answer schemes never convinced them either, but for once, Mama did consider you. She believed that you changed as much as I do.

I don't understand you.
You tweeted your woes about the girls you once loved, and then you asked how I felt about it, and you knew that I was very uncomfortable and it made me upset, and then you posted another Tweet, and then you asked me about it over and over again.
Why would you bother to ask when my feelings don't matter and you did the same things again and again? Are you satisfied to be able to hurt me? Did you feel that you had that power?

"Maleen, that's mental abuse, this has to stop", Alya said one evening before class when I told her about it. Oh, of course, I stuffed her with those answer schemes and as usual, she didn't buy it.

Don't fucking dare to ask me why I don't just leave in the first place if you are too bad for me.
- because I fucking saw the good in you.

In my brain, these people didn't see and get to know this soft-spoken, tentative, observant, sometimes witty guy that remembers everything about me and the only thing that stops you from being that is because you are heartbroken. That is the only reason why I stayed because I thought that you can be so much more than this when you fully recover.

I guess I was wrong.

Elle was right. Once you got what you wanted, you will immediately leave me. When that time comes, I can't retrieve or ask anything because you didn't promise me anything. A smart move you got there.

You are selfish.
You are posting heartbreaking tweets online when at the same time I was on the other line, heartbroken when you didn't pick up my calls, making every effort to talk to you. Can't you see that the world doesn't only revolve around you? You're not the only who's going through a hard time. If you're heartbroken because of any girl that I don't know which one, then I was heartbroken because of you. Look around you, look. Look how many people that have made their effort for you but why are you chasing the ones that you will never have? You are a fast athlete but I guess you are too slow to realize that. 'Be nice to others'. I don't want to deter that kindness in you although it has long gone in me, in a split second I feel like that motto that you live with is just a mask and I have to rip it off from you. It is a lie, you don't live with it.

You left me hanging and clueless. I let you know about me too much until maybe at some point you used all of that information as a weapon to backlash me. Congratulations, you got me there. You left me with all the damage and the emptiness until, at one point, all I could do is cry because I don't know what else to do with all the memories coming back at me at once. If you think that this is just a tactic for me to make you feel guilty, oh yes, I am making you feel guilty and butthurt until you realize all of these shits that you have done. But, does a blind boy like you are good enough to see?

I am not asking for an apology from you. I have forgiven you, every day I tell myself to. Deep down, I want you to tell me that whatever I am thinking right now is wrong and you are becoming a better person like how I believed so. I want you to tell me that you have found a way to work things out. I want you to tell me that everything is alright and we'll always have each other no matter whatever happens. I want you to tell me to unlearn and undo everything and start all over again. I want you to tell me that you just went away for a while and you are now back for me. I want you to convince me that everyone is wrong and you are right here with me to stay.

Sigh, after leaving me breathless, I still choose to have these fantasies.

One fine day, if you ever stumble upon this post, I want you to reflect deeply and think. I hope that you'll become a better person in the future and achieve all your dreams despite everything that occurred. Thank you for all the knowledge that you have given me, the attention that you lent me, I owe you one. Whenever you are lost, as you said, turn to God, and if you need someone to talk to, as always, you know which number to dial and which inbox to text, I'll still pick up.

I'll open the door for you as wide,
and I'll close it shut when you leave.

I think everyone can judge from my tweets that some things happened to me for the past few weeks. I lost my newfound blessing and believe me, I went nuts. This is me, I don't know how to accept a loss. I don't know how to accept when someone leaves, be it for any reason. I don't know how to face life after the loss, it feels that the major part of your self is gone. It mashed up with your daily routine, and not doing any of it leaves a huge void in your heart and it feels that my ribs are gonna break and my lungs will collapse at any moment.

At the beginning, my friends played a huge role in being my backbones. Piya stayed at my home for a week plus, yes, it was planned way before everything happened since she wanted to meet her boyfriend, Aqil, but her company made it more bearable. She would always show up whenever I sat alone in the wooden chair at the kitchen and stared at the walls when the night befell us, checking up on me to see if I was okay. Piya would take a seat in front of me and listen to all my thoughts because there was no use of hiding it anyway, she knew what was I thinking of. She isn't much of a person that could give advice but she would give her commentaries on it. I hit up a lot of people, including Aqil, well, that's what you do when eventually your best friend's boyfriend becomes your friend as well to ask for opinions and their two cents. I didn't hit up Elle this time because all of the things that she warned and said to me before, was right. She is a realist, she saw it coming. I only called her to say that she was right. Elle being Elle, blur as always, " What did I say? I say a lot of things I don't know which one", "Ah, you figure it out yourself, lah".

I did try my way out to fix things, however, it didn't work out. It took me a lot of courage to swallow this painful fact.I cried during showers in the bathroom, I stayed up and waited for the line to bling, but to no avail. I tried my best to avoid the places that we once talked about, I even declined Ma's offer to go to the west coasts. She was startled because she knew how I loved everything about the west coasts, but I was terrified. I was traumatized to receive flashbacks. I was terrified to have every phone conversation echoing at the back of my head.

This went on until I stumbled upon an Instagram Stories post from Azeera Hakim, and she stated this:

"The only way for your heart to break is when you let someone inside of it. Because your heart is not capable of withstanding anything that's temporary. When Allah created your heart, He had made it only compatible with eternal beings. So the only way for your heart to find peace is to fill it with things that are eternal. In this temporary world filled with temporary things, I hope you'll find The Eternal that your heart is looking for"

-after I read the last word, my heart stopped palpitating and started to beat normally again. I found the reason why  I was so heartbroken, because this disguising 'blessing' is- as bitter as it sounds, temporary. I also found a video on Twitter regarding being grateful.

"Instead of focusing on what you don't have, start to concentrate on what you have"

I started to list out the things that I am grateful for in my life and wallahi, it's too much. I am blessed with cooperative parents although they were divorced, a sporting mother that I can share about anything in the world, a doting father that will go all ends for his only daughter, a teacher that treats me and loves me like his own and wanted nothing more than the best for me, supportive, funny, caring friends that will stretch as far as they can just to see me happy, the career that I have as a journalist and the people that trust me to write up on what they are doing and gives my readers a new purpose and prespective with every writing, the comfort that I have without having to struggle have food in my mouth, the education that I received, being born a Muslim and have a God that is Ar Rahman and Ar Rahim and listens to all my woes and sorrows in every duaa', and much more uncountable blessings in my life. Why should I waste my energy and tears on one that left when there is so much more that is here to stay?

Since then, I started to have a new spirit, a new energy to start back again. I did many things to channel positive vibes into my life, like converting back to contact lenses, buy new brushes and refine my make-up skills, put them on whenever I go out to boost confidence, wear nice clothes, sometimes even with heels, smile a lot and laugh a lot, make puns and joke around, take obviously failed supermodel-ish shots of myself, listen to love songs like Surat Cinta Untuk Starla and change it to Surat Cinta Untuk Maleen instead, haha, befriended new people from many circles like hitting them up randomly on their DMs and find a chance to know them better, eat good food and more.Ma even took me for a short trip to the Northern states. We do plan to go up there for her client's wedding, but I could sense that Ma knew my condition so she lengthens the trip to various stops and oh my, we finally went to the place that we wanted to go but never thought that we could make it like the Matang Mangrove Forest. Took nice shots there too!

I realized that after I did that, I attracted many positive things as well. I strengthen my relationship with Ma and helped around doing the house chores while she is at work, and said 'Thank you' whenever she leaves a dish on the table for me before she leaves. Hearing back a gratitude wish and a hug from her whenever she comes home with relief and a smile on her face is the best satisfaction ever. My relationship with Cikgu also became better. I follow him to work whenever he wants me to and even volunteered to be his plus one to boot camps. We talk a lot in the car, sang songs that I know, and I can assure you that he was being nice to me than ever, maybe he had the wake-up call that his princess is already grown up and will leave anytime, but hey, I won't. He recommended me to Ain Maisarah of Blink Book, hence their interest in recruiting me to become their writer. He openly shed a tear when he did that because he said that his job is done and I am now in good hands. Nah, he won't. He becomes my PA now, keeps reminding me to finish up my storyline all the time. Alhamdulillah, I feel that everything is in place now.

I am now currently on a vacation in Port Dickson, which is a beach, of course, and it brought me serene and peace, calmer than I can imagine. I was scared at first because I hold so many memories with the sea, but I braved it all and went running towards the waves. I could look at the blue sky as the blue sky and the clear water as the clear water without any 'he used to's. I also took many shots of the sea and put them up on both my home screen and lock screen, since he * I have to* used to take those shots for me. I feel content alongside my family and all these blessings around me, I have never felt this carefree.

It is not that I miss him sometimes. I do reminisce about the times when he used to be around. But, that is life taking its course. And my prayers have been answered. God must have His own reasons to do that is kept secret and beyond our thinking limits, but I believe that making me stronger is one. And, look at all the good things that come after that! I don't want to trade this happiness for anything in the world, ever.

For any of you that are having a hard time, look at all these blessings around you and be grateful for every single one of it and come up of things to enhance and improve your life qualities. Also, stay positive! Surely, good things will be attracted to you in no time, In Shaa Allah.

Have faith!

Xx,
M.

"What day is it now, you?"

I never counted the days. In fact, whenever he askes, I would just stick out my fingers and count how many months has it been and multiply it by 30 days, believing that the figure might be somewhere there. The last time I checked was like, I don't know, three months ago since the last time he asked? I am bad at remembering dates. I usually get confused, and now I am still confused. Is it 28th or 29th? I am very scared to ask him since I had already misspelled his name on his birthday gift, and it was a book, and I was noted on how he hates reading, and he notified me on how to spell his name correctly before, I don't want to look more ignorant. honestly, i believe that might be the gift that he least likes among all the gifts that he got. I'll make a bigger effort next year, if, we can make it.

honestly-
that is also something I am unsure about.

what kind of songs should I dedicate this post with? Spaces by One Direction, Two Ghosts by Harry Styles, Flicker by Niall Horan? (omg all of them used to belong to One Direction too, explains why I am a Directioner myself).

he isn't the person that I used to know. I don't know if he's really being in his own skin and he was playing pretend with me all along, nothing is certain. it seems that he has gone back to his solitude, and I am out of words, out of ways to pull him out to let him feel the sun as the rays kiss his face. I tried, by all means, I tried. I don't know where is this leading me to. the distant feelings are much hurtful that being separated by miles. surprisingly, between all this emptiness, everything unfolded one by one. I began to know, I began to understand what happened. for all this while I have avoiding myself from the painful truth from the past that I never want to get involved in, and the haunting thoughts that surrounded me all along, had revealed itself. but anyways, it gave me a hard bang on my head and got me back to my senses.

I don't long for his heart- I have accepted the fact that is something that I won't ever own no matter how hopeful I am for a miracle to do so. honestly, I just want him to have himself back, as for having himself back will make me have a part of myself back. imagine, losing the first person that would readily greet you as you open your eyes and will be the last one to wish you before you sleep off the night. the person that will share his discoveries and observations on people, and his inferences on them. you might be a total rule breaker, but he will be the only person that can tone down that wildness in you, but at the same time can tolerate your craziness. the person that listens and remembers your traits and even knows every detail of you without you telling him. one of the people that will hit you up and say, " you're not alright. I am here for you, I promise.". a person whose laughter can quickly chase your wild thoughts away.

-imagine losing such a good friend that has thought you to casually taught you to live with his presence and suddenly he isn't in the picture in a blink of an eye. it doesn't matter if he returns or not, but the lost will leave you with much space in your life until you don't know what to do with them, and the good times that you had will echo back to you. and it's hurtful.

I don't know what is ahead of me, of us, of all these. being out of school has made me scared than ever, being totally alone in facing what the future has in store for me. I will still continue to do the things I love; writing for magazines, making music, rant on my blog. but it is the idea that I will do this with all the people that I love in this close circle of mine, and losing one will definitely make a huge difference.

begging people to stay in my life will be too much to ask, but just so they know that they will always have a place to turn to at the end of the day, no matter how much damage has been done and the wreckage that has been felt.

but silently,
- I hope that I don't have to stop counting.

 

"Leen, do you want to know my biggest fear of leaving this place?" , Ell said while we were pointlessly hanging around the balcony, with the wind gently blowing our faces. I swear it looked like a Hindustan movie where Shah Rukh Khan was having a deep talk with his best friend, Hitrik Roshan.

"What is it?"

"To be emotionless again. Rasa kosong."

"You live when you feel", I said. "You don't live when you don't feel."

"That is the problem", Ell said. "At least I know that I'm living. I can encounter my depressions when I feel these kinds of emotions."

I looked at her. "Ell, we're the opposite. I can't wait to leave because I can't wait to feel the emptiness again".

"What do you mean?"

"I feel a lot here, and I am easily depressed, I don't know how to handle my sadness, my frustrations healthily. There is so much going on and I tell you, if this happens outside, I might as well not care."

"But how can you learn to handle them when you don't feel?"

"It is better to be numb that to feel everything and be self-destructive. I might as well not feel"

Before SPM, we had a salam batch where everyone will seek forgiveness from each other. I salam-ed everyone until I reached Addie. She hugged me tight and whispered to me,

"Asking questions to the ceiling
Not knowing what you're thinking
I'm afraid-
that what we had is gone"

It has been a difficult phase for me. As selfish as it sounds, please, let me talk about me without thinking about anybody else.

I had many things toppling on my head and the only thing that I wanted to do was to run at the nearest public phone and dial his number, or anyone's number, and at least, hear his brief giggle when he picks up the call. It manages to make me calm everytime. But, conceding to the painful fact that he won't be there at the end of the line, there I was, sleeping away and waking up with my parts torn apart each day. It was always the same game, he's available but i'm at school, or i'm free but he needs to attend a class next morning. He wasn't the observant man that he used to be because I was the first one to realise that-

we are drifting apart.

it was time, it was us, i don't know. i don't know how does he feels about this, or how i feel about this, i am not a mind reader. oh how i wish i can just forget all this complicated shit and go back to square one, the naiive, old me that does not the meaning of all this unbreakable threads of emotions that she has to digest and interprete. life would be easier, simpler and empty as it used to be,

but he splashed colours to the faded walls and squeezed in velvet furniture to fill in the spaces. he made the new cool in me. how am i supposed to give that all up?

I saw his efforts in making time for a conversation, but then, i also see that he couldn't let go of his dear, hurtful memories just yet. from there, i realised another important fact;
i am facing a difficult man.

Difficult is not a word can be used to summarise an adjective. It is not even an adjective that can be applied to a person. Difficult people, in my straight POV, are just confused people. They are looking for many things beneath what is in front of them; their wants and needs, their priorities, and even themselves. I am a difficult person myself, that is why i only allow a very small circle of people to study and understand me, and also the only ones that i can rely on. But, for this case of us, I have to be strong.

The triumph of handling difficult people is not measured by how much he has drastically changed after a few months meeting you and such, it is how you can keep up and help him stand when he falls down during the process. Mind you, this is not a contest. This is not a competition on how to change people.

despite all the negative feelings that i am feeling for the time being, i'm struggling to be there through thick and thin. I used to rush into things, but i will try to let him take his time. i'll vow to myself to be more tolerant and understanding. all that he needs is support, and i have promised to do so.

I'm sorry that I have to say it here because I don't know how to tell you this personally because I am never the type of person that are courageous enough to say what I want to say, but just so you know that I'll always be there for you. All the time.

my love,
is a tug of war.
he pulls me for a tango
on the crystallized dancefloor
and pushes me out of the balcony
when i thought he was leaning for
a kiss under the shimmering moonlight
-of course he held my arm from falling, it needs two to tango after all.
but he never managed to stop me from falling head over heels for him over and over again until when
i wore a parachute under my dress,
i still hope for him to save me.

my love,
is a messy kitchen,
an unarranged fridge,
untidy rack that even mice doesn't want to have a sleepover
i savour his words like a jar of Nutella spread on toast for a perfect breakfast
but his face was like a stale Caesar salad for lunch,
I sip the remaining juice with confusion as I accidentally choke
like how he choked on his roasted chicken when I question
him
does he cook out of love or out of pity?

my love,
is a never ending maze
his heart, the roads that i get lost into everytime for a visit.
how can i memorise the trails when there's a new flyover or long shortcuts that are newly built that makes the pathway blurrer?
as i knock the door after the thunder, shivering in pain
he would welcome me with the
warmth of his calming touch
and drown me in the flood again.

my love,
is nature.
he is a damaging hurricane that whips off my sanity
yet he is the brightest sunshine
that you can see from the beaming smile on my face.

my love,
is a man that i will remember his name,
that i will mesmerise his complexion
that i will hold his hand,
but his heart,
that i will never have.

                           " Who am I to you?", he asked because I let him ask me a question before I sleep.

                     " Can I ask you back?", I answered reluctantly. Of course, I was shy.

                             " No, you can't", he said cheekily.

                         I took a deep breath and typed on the keyboard,

                                  " My favourite person. I hope you now understand why I am irrationally jealous sometimes".

                         " Don't be like this, Maleen, it was just Sharifah Rose!", he jokingly laughed, which made me laugh as well.

                              "Well, she's not the only one. What about the comment at Farah Ann's picture? Justify yourself, mister!" , I joked as well, trying to ease the line that slowly becomes intense. " What about me? Who am I to you?"

                         "More to my best motivator?", he said reluctantly. From there, I know what was in front of me. Still, I tried my best to crack up some lame jokes. " Hey, be certain. What's with the question mark?"

                                      "I'm sorry, Maleen."

                   This was it. This was it. This was the moment that I feared of my whole life. I had told people that I would be brave, I would not break down. I would not be furious, I would not be enraged, I would not be crazy because of it.

                             " I know that this will hurt you, but I am not ready yet. I can't even understand myself. Sometimes I was like this, sometimes I was like that, I don't know. I have to admit that the old scars are still bleeding. I think that not being committed to any relationships are the best for now since I don't  know what the future holds for me later on. For now, I just want to be friends with everybody and make everyone happy"

                   I reminded myself many times that it was never his fault upon reading his response. He was just as confused as I am. He was hurt as I am. He was stuck in the middle. Sometimes, my wild thoughts questioned his actions. Did he do that out of courtesy or he did care about me? Worse, did he actually feel sorry for me, so that was why he kept the conversations going? I don't know.

            I don't want to lose him. I don't want to lose his wishes. I don't want to lose the privilege to listen to his infectious giggle at the beginning of every conversation. I don't want to lose the person that will be very observant and realise any slight changes of me. I don't want to lose the person that always advises me towards the better. I don't want to lose the person that will always remind me to put my parents first, to put God first above everything. I don't want to lose the person that will share with me some good new music that is playing around the Internet. I don't want to lose the person that I can randomly talk about everything in the world without feeling awkward. Above all, I don't want to lose him.

                             Hence, I lowered down my pride and asked him to stay.

                                " Sure, Maleen. I want you to be by my side to go through this all too"

                          Somehow, when he said that, I felt that I had already lost a part of him.

     Going back to college tomorrow, boy, I don't know how to face this. Why did this ground has to be the place where I first laid my eyes on him? Why did this place has to bring so many memories that I have to cope with for the next two months until I am gone for good? I have to live with the things that he said when I pass through landmarks at college. But, that are the only things that I have left of us, isn't it? I should cherish them, right?

    All in all, for now, I am letting time decide. I am letting destiny takes its pace at the right place. Who knows, maybe, he is the right person at the wrong time and will be right at the right time? Or maybe, he is a phase that I have to go through before meeting the right person that will be waiting at the end of the lane? There are so many consequences, I don't know. But, I believe that God didn't give me those instincts that led me to him for nothing. Whatever the reason may be, let it unfold itself.  I have never been grateful that I met him.

    I will be away for the next two months, and he will go on with his battle as well. I will miss him, I always will. Maybe, this distance will do us good. It always will.

I am tired of being sad. I am tired of hoping uncertain wishes. I am tired of being jealous of the things that I shouldn't be. I am tired of overthinking. I am tired of breaking down to relatable songs and cry. I am tired of being dissed. I am tired with the thought of wanting to be someone's priority for at least once, choose me over something else, or someone else. I am tired of feeling insecure. I am sick with not trusting people at all and at the end of the day, my overprotective problem shuts everyone out. I am tired of wanting someone to at least notice the slight changes in my behavior and immediately know that I'm not okay. I am tired of depending my happiness on someone else.

" Why haven't you update your blog?", he asked during last Saturday's phone call, it was a very long one, more than an hour, and it was a real call. I don't know how much he was charged for that. I give his effort an A+, calling back after numerous times the line was disrupted.

"Really? I thought I just uploaded a poem", I uploaded one that evening before dinner, an old one from a precious file in my laptop. I don't know what does he mean by that actually. Like, man, it was only five hours ago. He said it like I haven't been blogging for years.

"It was two weeks ago", he reminded me.
Two weeks? Wait, wait a minute...

"Oh, is it? It was 'Near To 60' right?" , Ah, I get it. He was actually asking on why I didn't blog about him. First, it was the fuss of trials that couldn't give me the time to rush to the next block for any Internet connection. Second, we have been talking almost everyday about our papers, so I am afraid if it will appeal to him as too clingy ( well, I actually am now but-just because...just because.) but it doesn't change the fact that I miss him and our long conversations past midnight where we can freely talk about everything.

" Yeah. And what does that 60 mean?", this curious guy. He knows all metaphors underneath my titles.

"I don't know. Guess.", I said cheekily, trying to drag him around. Let's see how fast a guy thinks. They say that guys never know what girls mean when they say things, so let this be my experiment.

"60 days of us knowing each other?"

Oh. My. Boat. Noodle. Chicken. Wings. He striked it again. He, striked me again. He has never failed to make me feel amused. He knows what is going on in my mind everytime. I think that I am the most observant person in the world but after I met him, hands down. The king of precision has arrived.

" What day is it now?"

"I don't know, I just roughly count" The only way I counted the days is when the calendar says 28, I should call it a month. A month has approximately 30 days. We started talking at May. Wait, whoa, what? June, July, August...it isn't two months! It has been three months since we know each other! Three freaking months already?! Time escalates super fast these days, but I'm up for the ride with this one everytime. So come three, thirty, three hundred, and even three thousand months, I'll still be here like Day 1.

" You haven't answered me", he emphasized.


"Well, we talk everyday, right? You can just DM me and you know that, don't you?"

"It was different"

I was drop dead.
                         

"I saw your latest Tweet"
Now, he totally gave me goosebumps on that one.

"About what? You know that I like to randomly rant on Twitter",

"Well, about the question thing."

"Oh", I knew what I tweeted. Yes, I was indirecting it to him because I know he won't let it slip away. Yes, he realized that Tweet. Now, I was left speechless. I am so confusing. I want him to know things but I always procastinate on doing that. The desicions are like plucking petals of a flower, 'Tell him, not tell him. Tell him, not tell him', aish, this game won't end seriously.

"What do you want to ask?"
A lot actually. One, why did he change his Instagram profile picture? I loved the previous one in the black shirt at his school compound, or the one when he wore a red shirt during Eid because that colour suits him. Two, number two is..

"Maybe not now"

"Okay."

Maybe not now, maybe later is not a good idea either. I have been asking this grand question to myself all the time, thinking if it is worth it to gamble on this charade. I don't want to shatter us down. Don't make me choose between his infectious laugh over anything, you'll lose horribly.

At the end of the conversation,
"Will you please be a gentleman?", I said sheepishly.

"What do you mean by that?"

"If you miss me, just say that you miss me. You don't have to ask me to call and whatnot", I added with a laugh.

"No, I don't, I'm cool here. Besides, you didn't call me last week", he said, keeping his cool shades emoji on.

"Hah, who's talking about calling here? Ish, just say that you miss me lah"

"Eh...um...dah lah, no comment!"

Such a qt.

definition megapixels on your phone
 lens

I beg your pardon to not mention this  but

" What do you do when you fall down?", Encik Ahmad questioned during his turn to speak during the weekly assembly. Everyone replied, "To get back up!" energetically although the only sound I heard was houseflies buzzing around a smelly trashcan.

                   "When you fall down, you get back up", Encik Ahmad repeated our answer and continued, "But who's doing the backing up? Yourself. Is there any hand from the Heavens that will reach for you? No. I can call high end motivators to come and talk up here and pay them thousands to lift your spirit, but the one who's doing the action is yourself."

                   "Just remember that your teachers up here are always here to support you to push you forward, by all means. We will go the extra mile for you, so you should too, for yourself. Please, if you can't do it for us, or your parents, please just do it for yourself". He ended his brief speech there, which marked the end of assembly.

The first period was Islamic Studies, and oh boy, you couldn't imagine how sleepy I was. I didn't lie my head on the table instantly, but I was trying so bad to open my eyes that in a blink of an eye, I dozed off. Ustazah Arbaayah caught me twice, and truthfully, I didn't mean to do so. The weekend was hectic, it was jampacked with classes and I didn't have time to actually sit down and take a deep breathe. Perhaps it was my fault too, I couldn't manage my time well.

At the end of class, I shook Ustazah's hand and apologised for my behaviour. Ustazah patted my back warmly, " Maleen, I understand that you may be staying up late, but it won't do you any good if you can't focus in class the next morning. I know that you are a good student, I see that, and it'll be a waste if you keep on with these interfering bad habits at this eleventh hour. Try to improve, alright?", I didn't hear a rising pitch in her voice. It was very soothing, very convincing that when we parted ways, I kept on thinking what she said. I felt sad because I felt like I had failed her. I had failed all my teachers, and that is the last thing that I wanted right now.

I have seen their sacrifices, like how Pn Nor Saidah stayed back, still with her baju kurung on since morning until 11pm, and came back at 8 am the next day when she should be resting the weekend off with her family and do something nice, or like how Pn Norizan keeps giving us worksheets non stop just to make sure that we're steadily studying Biology, and Puan Waheeda that usually come at night to supervise us doing Addmaths accompanied by Pn Nina, our counsellor, and the other teachers, oh I don't know what else that they had done behind our backs just to make sure that we're on track. I never care about the teachers until now. I tend to appreciate them more nowadays since they're the only backbones that I have at school other than the prayers that my parents send to me from home.

Keeping your smile at this stake is very hard. I haven't cover anything yet although trials with start next week due to the overflowing workload, and I feel very defeated. I think everyone, especially Ma knows how I like to whine and blame everyone on everything, but there's a verse in the Quran, I can't remember which, that says,

                    " Sesungguhnya manusia itu suka mengeluh. Apabila dia diuji, maka dia akan berkeluh kesah. Melainkan orang-orang yang menunaikan solat"

I learnt that during a Tafseer session with Kak Fari, an Old Girl who is the founder of Little Caliph kindergarten franchise. This verse hits me hard because, I pray five times a day without miss. I take them seriously, but why am I still whining?

So whenever something shows up, I will immediately shut my mouth tight and play the verse back in my head. It has been calmer for me to accept rather than to whine over something that cannot be changed after all. I have to go through it, so I rather go through it positively. Try it, In Shaa Allah it will do you some good too.

Speaking about teachers makes me think about Cikgu. Seeing my teachers sacrificing for us makes me reflect on how much he has sacrificed for me since I was little. It was haywire back then, but he chose to step in and rush me out from the fire. I never take it deeply back then because our interactions are more like friends, but as I grow up and live far from home, it started to reveal infront of my eyes.

As a teenager with a roof that will blow in no time, there are hard times that we will have big fights, like the fights that you usually have with your mom or dad. It was always leaving the conversation hanging, running away and avoiding each other until at one point, I will step in to apologise and he will come and call me back. There are always desicions that makes me hate him and feeling like shouting on top of my lungs, " I am a big girl already! You don't have the right to say the last word anymore!", but when sometimes I tell Ma about it, she will always say, " Grow up as fast as you want, but in our eyes, you're always our little girl". That time, I will always cut her with a feisty laugh, but now, it makes me sad. As I grow up, I will grow distant from the people at home. I will be distant from him. Even right now, I think all I need is his figure sitting across me and comfort me with his consoling voice just like the way he does it when I was really frustrated when I was little.

Gosh, I miss him badly :(

" I don't want to be near to someone foreign. I want to be so close to you even when it means to be far apart, doing different things at different times. I don't know where this distance will bring us this time, or make us feel, I don't know, I am not sure. I don't know that it will collide us towards each other or stretch us far apart until we snap. Until we meet again, I will keep looking up to the night sky where the moon is in crimson, maybe somewhere, out there, in the darkest night, you are looking back at it as well."

Everything has been quite a storm that barged into my life lately, and I feel very out of place. It's true that Rome wasn't built in a day but these chaos wiped all my fences gone.

God, why is Ed Sheeran playing while I'm writing this?

Honestly, I feel very numb. I can't differentiate between being happy or sad, sometimes I'm up watching the fireworks on Everest and a blink of eye later, I am stranded after being pushed down a cliff. Everything that revolves in my life seems mad and I can't join the dots to any of them, but they say that in this world, the mad people are sane, so I conclude that I am the 'okay'est person on the planet. In my universe, at least.

I used to dislike Lang Leav. One minus point for her expensive books that I can finish after an hour in the bookstore while waiting for Ma to finish her shopping spree, and I am fine with expensive books, like R.M.Drake's, but not when it only has 200-300+ pages. Another minus point for her proses and poems that only circulates in one idea; love. She is a good writer, and I am anticipated in reading her works, but the hype will be gone after 20 pages. An unpopular opinion of mine, there are other feelings in the world. Anxious, angry, bored, lazy, curious, sad, sick, crazy, lost, not feeling anything. Why not make a masterpiece by combining them all. I even have a poem about the pain of a mosquito bite. No kidding.

But yesterday, I don't know whose novel did it belong to, but it has been residing at the bookshelf for quite some time, with thick dust covering it. I was trying to distract myself, so I pulled it out. It was The Universe Of Us from Leav. I read it anyway, and I was shocked, because it felt that all the words that she penned on the paper shot me like bullets to my chest. I felt it was written for me, or the exact feeling, as if I was the one that wrote it. That is the power of poets. They make you feel less alone when they convey their hearts out. Not all, but there may be a few stanzas that they described perfectly that you wish you can write the same. Wish you can tell the same.

I also went for a jog, after months of not doing so. The usual pain came, but I ran anyway, knowing that it will ease after all. I wished every step that I ran to all the doubts and problems that I have, hoping that I could leave them behind. I didn't know what will that has pushed me, but I managed to run a round of TASA. Believe me, this was my first. Am I reliving memories? I don't know. I just keep running.

When there's a will, there's a way, and God, please show me one.

Ma and I were chilling in the car that was parked near the basketball court after lunch. Time check, 2.45 p.m. Ma didn't have the radio on, she wanted to listen to Ungu's Tercipta Untukku that she downloaded on her tab. Maybe, well, maybe, she had found the one after all.

      " Leen, you should only call him for maximum, 2 times. If he didn't answer then just let it be", Ell said sternly after I came back from the payphone. She dozed off last night so she didn't know what only God knows how many times I did nothing but dialling his phone number again and again after 2 hours of strictly Biology. I didn't mind dialling that much because the payphone didn't take up my money, and all it said was, "Sila Dail". Piya was the one who got lucky, she managed to get Aqil on the line only with one try. Here I was, switching my position to a thirdwheeler.

     I swore to myself that I will only try thrice at the afternoon, and if he didn't pick up, then I'll have to let it be. Maybe he was busy. It was incomplete for me to not bid him goodbye before he enters school again. Routines, I must say.

    I was about to give up when I heard "Hello?", on the other side.

                    " Do you have any missed calls on your phone? I tried calling you and I was expecting to hear a voicemail if you don't answer, but the payphone asked me to dial again"

                    " Yup, 11 actually."

   My jaw dropped instantly. Since when did I dialled so many times? And how did it get to the extend of...11 trials?! I am glad that he didn't have to see me jumping up and down with my baju kelawar because I was so embarassed. Man, what?! I couldn't even believe myself. Maleen, where the hell is your pride and integrity? Just wait when Ell knows about this, I will definitely get a two-hour lecture on 'Why Do You Have To Be So Stupid?"

Let me give you a quick trivia. Maleen Balqish is a person that will go the extra mile when you have succeeded to reserve a room in her heart. She devotes herself to them; her family, her best friends, the people that she choose to be around her and her passion,  and she will do anything to make sure that their wellbeing is wholly happy and healthy, with and without her presence. Sometimes, she overdoes them, like calling a person 11 times, but she just wants to check up on you and make sure that you're okay, and aware that she is always there to be with you through thick and thin.

She can be very matured at solving other people's problems or answering Pendidikan Agama Islam's KBAT questions, but she too, realized that she is so innocent when it comes to dealing with her own emotions. She has nothing to give you, and nothing against you, except for the great affection that she developes for you. Break her, tear her, drown her, she has been through that so many times. But, she never gets it why she has the courage to stand up, forgive you and start the process all over again. I know what people will label her. Naive. Push her around and toy her all you want, because she only knows that life is a pure, empty canvas although you have splattered it with red marks.

I don't know how many times do I have to repeat this phase but she can be very attached to you. Yes, it's true, she does keeps all her feelings to herself and expects you to know by your own, but she is never afraid to show that she cares. She is never afraid of making the first move, asking about your whereabouts, how are you feeling, what are your likes and dislikes, and certainly remember them in order to make you comfortable with her. And... call you 11 times just to bid you goodbye until she gets to talk to you again. I warn you, break it out to her, leave quick and run as fast as you can if you don't like being bothered that way, because being mistaken as annoying is the last thing that she wants to be known for.

 Back to the conversation, he talked to me as usual and laughed a lot along the way, maybe he was just like me, clueless of things to say. When it's time to end the call for the last time, we exchanged wishes.

                                    " Take care", I said.

                        " You too. Drink a lot of water please, and study hard, okay?"

                                    " I'll study hard, promise"

                      There was a gap of silence until I said,

                                        " Miss you"

                                        "Hm, okay"

I feel like banging my head on the wall at that moment. Head Maleen was yelling angrily at me saying, "What the hell did you just said?!" while Heart Maleen encountered the situation and confronted Head Maleen while hugging me, " Isn't it usual for her to say that? She said it on texts".

Head Maleen then reached a rifle beside her and targeted Heart Maleen's head, " Don't you know that saying it live is a huge mistake?! He may just answered 'Me too' with a frowning emoji on texts because he just wants to please you and not hurt your feelings. Worse, he doesn't even mean it! Don't you remember what Addie told you? Differentiate kind gestures from signs! Ah, why do I have to deal with someone so naive?!"

And there they are, Head Maleen and Heart Maleen starting World War III in my system, leaving me as the middle man, more confused than ever.

Ah! Why is it so hard to be naive!

He's finally home for the weekend, and how i missed him so! *virtualhugs* *buthalalgap* *sepwilldo*

"James huh?", he asked with a quirky laugh. He approved of the name and he googled James Dean because he never heard of him. To him, James Dean was so-so. He was like that too, so-so to people but he swoons them over their feet.
What on earth did I get myself into.

We exchanged updates on the first two weeks of school, and it was hell for both of us. He said he feels unwell. The maximum number of days he will be sick is 3 days. He said to not worry as his fever is usually not that bad and he can still have the energy to study. Eh hello, how I am supposed to not feel worried? Even not hearing from him makes my heart feel uneased.

He read everything here, and I managed to say sorry for not opening up to him. Yes, he let me walk away, uncharged. Hehe.

I lied on my bed last night after the quick conversation, feeling calm than ever. I feel that a burden had been lifted from my chest, and dozed off with a smile. I want to make the most out of these two days to spend more time with him before we have to separate ways again for weeks. He told me to hold on. "Continue studying and you'll be out of this in no time. What's glory without sacrifices, kan?" , he comforted me when I whined on how I cannot go home for almost two months until Eid Ul Adha. A baby, I am.

               "Yes, success requires commitments!" , I shouted at the payphone, feeling motivated. He is everything now. My happy pill, my booster. Let's just hope that he won't be a heartbreaker.

Cheers to #2, #5 to go!

In the midst of hardwork, dramas, patching memories with friends and missing him, the stars still align to bring me peace.