Saturday, 22 July 2017

07:58:00
" I don't want to be near to someone foreign. I want to be so close to you even when it means to be far apart, doing different things at different times. I don't know where this distance will bring us this time, or make us feel, I don't know, I am not sure. I don't know that it will collide us towards each other or stretch us far apart until we snap. Until we meet again, I will keep looking up to the night sky where the moon is in crimson, maybe somewhere, out there, in the darkest night, you are looking back at it as well."

Wednesday, 19 July 2017

Jog

03:31:00
Everything has been quite a storm that barged into my life lately, and I feel very out of place. It's true that Rome wasn't built in a day but these chaos wiped all my fences gone.

God, why is Ed Sheeran playing while I'm writing this?

Honestly, I feel very numb. I can't differentiate between being happy or sad, sometimes I'm up watching the fireworks on Everest and a blink of eye later, I am stranded after being pushed down a cliff. Everything that revolves in my life seems mad and I can't join the dots to any of them, but they say that in this world, the mad people are sane, so I conclude that I am the 'okay'est person on the planet. In my universe, at least.

I used to dislike Lang Leav. One minus point for her expensive books that I can finish after an hour in the bookstore while waiting for Ma to finish her shopping spree, and I am fine with expensive books, like R.M.Drake's, but not when it only has 200-300+ pages. Another minus point for her proses and poems that only circulates in one idea; love. She is a good writer, and I am anticipated in reading her works, but the hype will be gone after 20 pages. An unpopular opinion of mine, there are other feelings in the world. Anxious, angry, bored, lazy, curious, sad, sick, crazy, lost, not feeling anything. Why not make a masterpiece by combining them all. I even have a poem about the pain of a mosquito bite. No kidding.

But yesterday, I don't know whose novel did it belong to, but it has been residing at the bookshelf for quite some time, with thick dust covering it. I was trying to distract myself, so I pulled it out. It was The Universe Of Us from Leav. I read it anyway, and I was shocked, because it felt that all the words that she penned on the paper shot me like bullets to my chest. I felt it was written for me, or the exact feeling, as if I was the one that wrote it. That is the power of poets. They make you feel less alone when they convey their hearts out. Not all, but there may be a few stanzas that they described perfectly that you wish you can write the same. Wish you can tell the same.

I also went for a jog, after months of not doing so. The usual pain came, but I ran anyway, knowing that it will ease after all. I wished every step that I ran to all the doubts and problems that I have, hoping that I could leave them behind. I didn't know what will that has pushed me, but I managed to run a round of TASA. Believe me, this was my first. Am I reliving memories? I don't know. I just keep running.

When there's a will, there's a way, and God, please show me one.

Monday, 17 July 2017

Fingernails

00:22:00
Ma and I were chilling in the car that was parked near the basketball court after lunch. Time check, 2.45 p.m. Ma didn't have the radio on, she wanted to listen to Ungu's Tercipta Untukku that she downloaded on her tab. Maybe, well, maybe, she had found the one after all.

                            " Come, show me your nails. Are your nails long?", Ma asked while searching for a nailclipper in her makeup bag. I grinned and handed my fingers to her. She shook her head and pulled my hand closer to her. She covered her lap with a Crocs recyclable bag to not let my nails make a mess. I know how to clip my own nails, I certainly do, but I will never clip it as perfect as Ma, especially at my toenails. So, when she clips her nails at home, I will come near to her and plaster my face at the waste basket where she throws her long nails away. It is also like a manicure session for me hehe.

As she was clipping my nails, Ma sighed and said,

                           "Macamanalah kalau mama dah tak ada nanti".

I gasped and my heart suddenly ache, but I encountered those uneasy feelings by jokingly saying, "Ma, apalah guna seorang suami nanti", yes, dear future husband, when you marry a Maleen, you have to marry her flaws, clinginess and her dependance towards you, such as helping her to clip her nails and make sure she has them short by the weekend. On the other hand, I'll try my best to train myself to iron a pair of slacks without double lines and master many techniques of tying a tie knot. 

Ma didn't utter a laugh and continued to clip my nails. Her silence sunken me into my deep thoughts. I am very 'manja' with Ma, and my other family members because I am the only child in the family and the firstborn grandchild. I live with Ma, only the two of us most of the time due to some circumstances, so imagine how I am very close to her despite the petty fights and all, but it is always settled within a question, "Let's go eat". 

I figured out that the reason why I want Ma to do the little things for me, such as clipping my fingernails, sometimes comb my hair, is because I want to make little bits of memories here and there with her. And living away from her makes me realize that maybe, somehow I can retrieve some of the times that I'm not there with her by doing these little things. Maybe, nauzubillah, if she leaves first, I have a chamber of them with me to re-live in our small house in Klang, our common ground.

I can read it from her face, I know that she was, and always worried about me. I understand why. I do have relatives and all, but if she's gone, I will lose my little family. I will lose my place of comfort. I will lose the only person that can read me like an open book and knows it all, and handle me with patience that she may also lose sometimes when my tantrums strike. Who will I turn to when the day comes? Who can ever have the wisdom to deal with all my emotional wrecks and shits? Who will be reliable enough for me to depend on and have the generous courtesy to help me remembering Ma by doing things that she had used to do for me, like clipping my nails? 

The grand question is, who will be strong enough to not give up and hold me back up when I am totally lost to destiny?

I know I will never do enough to repay all her kindness and blessings for raising me, but I hope I will be given the space and time to do the best for her before she leaves in peace. 

Yes, I can be very dependant and all, but she doesn't have to worry, as her daughter is an explorer that collects her strength from the beach sky and the beating waves, and someday the pebbles of sand will carve lines on the way she should go. She has absolute faith in that.




Sunday, 16 July 2017

The Embarassment

01:00:00
      " Leen, you should only call him for maximum, 2 times. If he didn't answer then just let it be", Ell said sternly after I came back from the payphone. She dozed off last night so she didn't know what only God knows how many times I did nothing but dialling his phone number again and again after 2 hours of strictly Biology. I didn't mind dialling that much because the payphone didn't take up my money, and all it said was, "Sila Dail". Piya was the one who got lucky, she managed to get Aqil on the line only with one try. Here I was, switching my position to a thirdwheeler.

     I swore to myself that I will only try thrice at the afternoon, and if he didn't pick up, then I'll have to let it be. Maybe he was busy. It was incomplete for me to not bid him goodbye before he enters school again. Routines, I must say.

    I was about to give up when I heard "Hello?", on the other side.

                    " Do you have any missed calls on your phone? I tried calling you and I was expecting to hear a voicemail if you don't answer, but the payphone asked me to dial again"

                    " Yup, 11 actually."

   My jaw dropped instantly. Since when did I dialled so many times? And how did it get to the extend of...11 trials?! I am glad that he didn't have to see me jumping up and down with my baju kelawar because I was so embarassed. Man, what?! I couldn't even believe myself. Maleen, where the hell is your pride and integrity? Just wait when Ell knows about this, I will definitely get a two-hour lecture on 'Why Do You Have To Be So Stupid?"

Let me give you a quick trivia. Maleen Balqish is a person that will go the extra mile when you have succeeded to reserve a room in her heart. She devotes herself to them; her family, her best friends, the people that she choose to be around her and her passion,  and she will do anything to make sure that their wellbeing is wholly happy and healthy, with and without her presence. Sometimes, she overdoes them, like calling a person 11 times, but she just wants to check up on you and make sure that you're okay, and aware that she is always there to be with you through thick and thin.

She can be very matured at solving other people's problems or answering Pendidikan Agama Islam's KBAT questions, but she too, realized that she is so innocent when it comes to dealing with her own emotions. She has nothing to give you, and nothing against you, except for the great affection that she developes for you. Break her, tear her, drown her, she has been through that so many times. But, she never gets it why she has the courage to stand up, forgive you and start the process all over again. I know what people will label her. Naive. Push her around and toy her all you want, because she only knows that life is a pure, empty canvas although you have splattered it with red marks.

I don't know how many times do I have to repeat this phase but she can be very attached to you. Yes, it's true, she does keeps all her feelings to herself and expects you to know by your own, but she is never afraid to show that she cares. She is never afraid of making the first move, asking about your whereabouts, how are you feeling, what are your likes and dislikes, and certainly remember them in order to make you comfortable with her. And... call you 11 times just to bid you goodbye until she gets to talk to you again. I warn you, break it out to her, leave quick and run as fast as you can if you don't like being bothered that way, because being mistaken as annoying is the last thing that she wants to be known for.

 Back to the conversation, he talked to me as usual and laughed a lot along the way, maybe he was just like me, clueless of things to say. When it's time to end the call for the last time, we exchanged wishes.

                                    " Take care", I said.

                        " You too. Drink a lot of water please, and study hard, okay?"

                                    " I'll study hard, promise"

                      There was a gap of silence until I said,

                                        " Miss you"

                                        "Hm, okay"

I feel like banging my head on the wall at that moment. Head Maleen was yelling angrily at me saying, "What the hell did you just said?!" while Heart Maleen encountered the situation and confronted Head Maleen while hugging me, " Isn't it usual for her to say that? She said it on texts".

Head Maleen then reached a rifle beside her and targeted Heart Maleen's head, " Don't you know that saying it live is a huge mistake?! He may just answered 'Me too' with a frowning emoji on texts because he just wants to please you and not hurt your feelings. Worse, he doesn't even mean it! Don't you remember what Addie told you? Differentiate kind gestures from signs! Ah, why do I have to deal with someone so naive?!"

And there they are, Head Maleen and Heart Maleen starting World War III in my system, leaving me as the middle man, more confused than ever.

Ah! Why is it so hard to be naive!


Friday, 14 July 2017

#2

21:33:00
He's finally home for the weekend, and how i missed him so! *virtualhugs* *buthalalgap* *sepwilldo*

"James huh?", he asked with a quirky laugh. He approved of the name and he googled James Dean because he never heard of him. To him, James Dean was so-so. He was like that too, so-so to people but he swoons them over their feet.
What on earth did I get myself into.

We exchanged updates on the first two weeks of school, and it was hell for both of us. He said he feels unwell. The maximum number of days he will be sick is 3 days. He said to not worry as his fever is usually not that bad and he can still have the energy to study. Eh hello, how I am supposed to not feel worried? Even not hearing from him makes my heart feel uneased.

He read everything here, and I managed to say sorry for not opening up to him. Yes, he let me walk away, uncharged. Hehe.

I lied on my bed last night after the quick conversation, feeling calm than ever. I feel that a burden had been lifted from my chest, and dozed off with a smile. I want to make the most out of these two days to spend more time with him before we have to separate ways again for weeks. He told me to hold on. "Continue studying and you'll be out of this in no time. What's glory without sacrifices, kan?" , he comforted me when I whined on how I cannot go home for almost two months until Eid Ul Adha. A baby, I am.

               "Yes, success requires commitments!" , I shouted at the payphone, feeling motivated. He is everything now. My happy pill, my booster. Let's just hope that he won't be a heartbreaker.

Cheers to #2, #5 to go!

Thursday, 13 July 2017

Talking To The Moon

03:38:00
“ Leen, look at the moon!” 

Wa exclaimed with excitement, as we mesmerize the glowing full moon that was very close to the surface of the Earth. I have always wanted to experience the night view at TASA, our sports arena, and dragging Wa along for the first try wasn’t a mistake. We sat at the benches and watched the fading orange shades of sunset at the sky changed to a dark blue hue. Suddenly, we saw the stars twinkle one by one, dispersed, decorating the sky like touching up a well-painted canvas. We couldn’t help but saying Subhanallah repeatedly as we witness The Almighty’s beautiful creations.


We lied down on the lanes of the running track with our baju kurungs, camouflaging in the dark to not get caught by any of the guards that were doing their rounds with their motorcycles. Unladylike, I know. We aimlessly stared at the sky and started looking for constellations. Wa was looking for the belt ( I can’t remember the name, I left Standard Six a long time ago) because she said it is the star to determine the direction of the Qiblat. I let her be and sink in my own thoughts.
           
 “ What will you do if you have the power to control time?”, Wa asked, her eyes were still wild hunting for the desired constellation.
     
“ I don’t know, maybe I’ll turn back time to Form 2. Life was enjoyable back then. What about you?”
          
   “ If I have the power to control time, I would like time to stand still at this very moment”
Yes, that’s Wa, my rough, rugged, tough best friend. We have 5 months left of sticking around and seeing each other’s faces everyday. I believe that the thought of ending school soon is heavenly, but maybe someday I’ll be waking up to the fact that I won’t be coming back here to laugh at all their jokes and live life with all these funny dramas will hit me very hard.

We went there too on the next day, and we pulled Ell along to join us. It was hilarious, because there was a car with very bright headlights were making our visions blur and lighted up the whole sports arena. We were anxious of getting caught so we tried our best to hide in between the stairing benches to avoid from being seen. It was surreal. We were like the most wanted criminals in the country and the car may be full of police officers that wanted to lock us up in jail for… what? Looking at the stars aimlessly while having deep-straight-to-the-heart conversations? But what’s high school life without any thrilling stories? At least I have things in store to tell my kids, and there are more schemes to come. Mischievious student alert!

Staring into the deep night makes me remember about James. Uh, I think I’ll just refer to him as ‘him’. When I tried to read back my post using that name, I felt disconnected with him. It feels like I am trying to replace his identity. I’m sorry Vivy, I can’t be a loyal fan.
I always refer to him as my ‘moon’ because he likes to send me black moon emojis when he wishes me good night, or when he’s being cheeky. I’m the yellow one. I know Wa and Ell don’t like it when I mention him, because maybe deep down they thought that their koala, shrek and whatever names that they call me has been snatched away from them. Ell even actually wanted a mandate, she didn’t want him to call me ‘Leen’ or even ‘Maleen’, because she calls me that. Haha. Well, I’m sorry that everyone that knows  me calls me by my own name!

Somehow, a bigger part of me wanted him to be there, stargazing too. I don’t know if he’ll enjoy it as much as I do, but he once told me that he really wanted to race at TASA’s track someday, if he was given a chance to do so. The sports arena has eased the feeling a little. I wonder how he’s doing now. I hope that he’s always fine and happy, with chicken and sports in the evening, his two favourite things. We do have some places that we wanted to go, so we can enjoy more sceneries. Now here’s the pros of being out of school. Not to forget, the long awaited roadtrip around Malaysia with my friends too! Yes guys, I’m still going. Don’t worry. I won’t be in a position to choose between you guys or him, as all of you are equally important to me. No arguing needed.

Haih.
In the midst of hardwork, dramas, patching memories with friends and missing him, the stars still align to bring me peace.

Sunday, 9 July 2017

#1

02:42:00
This week had been a turbulence for everyone around me. Wa was still trying very hard to back up and move on from her dad’s loss when she had to face the pain of losing her best friend that is also close to me. I also heard of Ell’s Opah Cheetah’s passing last few days, and she never shed a tear infront of us, although only God knows where and when she breaks down by herself. Ell is just being Ell, she never shows her feelings and make people worry. I am surrounded by very strong people and they are my inspiration for me to keep holding on to the obstacles in my universe that is not even half as hard as theirs.

Living my first week of school after the break and knowing there’s 6 more weeks to go before another makes my body jerk to adapt to the surroundings. It is different now. Every landmark that I pass to when I walk around has its own significant memory. There’s always a thing that he wants to do and the things that he say that will echo in my mind. Wait- enough with the ‘he’ game. Adding more Vivy Yusof’s influence to this blog, I shall call him James, as how Vivy addresses Fadza as Dean. The name ‘James’ itself sounds charming to me, and he has the daydream look in his eyes like James Dean’s from his photos (Oh wait, maybe that’s why Vivy calls Fadza Dean! Or maybe she just westernizes Deen Nasi Kandar, as she loves to go to mamaks) and a noble heart like Sir James Young, a fictional character of a doctor that has helped Singaporeans during the Japanese Occupation, as told in the Crazy Rich Asians trilogy. Finally, I can crown someone with that name, although to only add more mystery in the air, and himself. At least one fine day, when I have lost my memory, gone senile or something, I can still read here, or someone can help read this to me, and remember that there is someone that I cherish in my life and I called him by my favourite name.
                                  
 “ How is James? Is he alright?” 


That has become Ma’s routine questions everytime she picks up my call or visit me in school. Of course, Ma calls him by his real name, and she doesn’t know whatever that happens here. She has been asking about his wellbeing, and all I can answer is,
                     
“ He’s fine, Ma. He must be studying hard right now.”

Ma has always favoures his ‘sons’ ( I have more guy bestfriends at primary school until I enter an all-girls high school). Ekmal, for instance, and my cousin Am, are her favourites. She even trusts me to go out with them even to the end of the world than my girl friends. I am careless, she said, and need an eye to keep out on me. Alhamdulillah, I have such responsible friends that will always keep me at the safe scene and watches out on me. If not, I may have missed a movie, or a train, or a bus, get scammed or kidnapped. I never bother to hide anything from her, because in a blink of an eye, she knows everything by herself.

-          I am glad that she favours James, too.

At times I feel very sad because I don’t know actually what’s going on with him. I don’t know if my definition of ‘fine’ suits his situation at the moment. Why do we have to be so close yet so far? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s just my feelings. But, it’s something that I cannot undo because he has been a part of my life.
 I tried my luck to call James last night. Once at 1 am, once at 2 am, the times that he may still not be asleep.
                         “ Oh sorry, the number you have dialled is unreachable”

Gosh. He didn’t bring his phone along. Such a bummer.

The second week of school is going to start tomorrow, and I should be adjusted back to the routine by then. Please. You must be, Maleen. James is probably studying hard and not thinking about anything else while I’m overthinking here. I guess I’ll just have to go back to my books, and keep him at the back of my mind.
You’ll always be in my thoughts, James.
#1 down, #6 to go.

Monday, 3 July 2017

The Heartbreak

20:25:00
I don't know which is worse.

He posted a Boomerang with a girl.
or
They were an item, as suspected by Nad.
or
I felt frustrated.
or
There's no solid reason for me to be that way.

I thought I was so used with being hurt until this. This foreign heartbreak was so unusual. It felt like your veins were cut off and your heart was slashed with a samurai sword. It was so painful that I couldn't even scream to call for help and all I could do was to silently cry.

It was my fault. It was the consequences that I had to take when I first chose to know him. I've had all the warnings alarming me in my head, yet I decided to go for the chase and search for him. I knew that sooner or later, this emotional wreck will hit me. Sometimes, I wish I could turn back time and prevent myself from learning him too much, conceeding to the fact that I will get attached. I don't ever want to develop this feeling that will kill each soul that keeps it, especially on him. Jealousy.

                                   " Love is sefless, Leen", Ell told me this many times. " You should be happy when he is". But, where where can I even insert the big 'L' word in this sentence when he never promised me anything? We are happy staying us, in this way that we can't describe, so why does these jingle of emotions of mine has to ruin it all? I am totally confused.

I remembered that morning when I came downstairs and found Ma lazily sitting on the couch at the living room. I sat beside her, and rested my head on her arm. She was a genie in a bottle, she could read everything that is clogging up in my mind.

                                 "Still can't forget about yesterday?", Ma asked.

                              I nodded and immediately buried my head in her chest.

              "Sayang, here's the thing. You can lose a lover, but you won't afford to lose a friend. Don't dive deeper. Just let time decide."
"
 I know it is hard. I know you will have to swallow all the ugly truth by yourself, but at least, at the end of the day, you still have him, and he still has you. One day, both of you will know where to go from here.Trust me".

I waited for him, just to see if I mean something in his life. He texted that afternoon, and I continued talking with him as usual, and I don't know if God was on my side that day that there were 2 SRK movies showing on TV. One at 2, and one at 9.

I was enjoying the night movie round, it was K3G. I was giving my 100% focusing on my on-screen boyfriend and my phone was on silent mode, just to distract myself from having those unanswered questions on my mind again and again. When the movie had a commercial break, I took my phone and saw a notification.

                        " I see that you are having too much fun with your movie. Just let me know if you want to sleep, okay?"

Such a sweetheart. Although the movie ended at 1am, I used the opportunity to write an article in order to stay longer. He was also completing his calculations, so we accompanied each other. I was done with my work and he wasn't, so I chose to return the favor.

                       " But it was 2.45 am. , way past your bedtime. Aren't you sleepy?", Yes, he still remembered that I am usually knocked out by 2.

                            "No", I said, still keeping it natural. "Besides, I feel that we haven't talked much for the past two days". Two days makes a difference when you communicate with someone everyday without fail.

                       " I rasa macam you marah I je", he startled me that instant. Was it too obvious? I did tweet a frowning emoji, but that was it. How could he, as a guy, can be so alert with his surroundings?

                        "Tak adalah"

                    "U sure?"

That time, I was searching for any of my friends who were online at 3 am in the morning and had some feedbacks coming in when I told them what was roughly happening, but not with who. How am I supposed to say at his face that I was horribly jealous when I don't have the right to? He will think that I am out of my mind and maybe distant himself from me. All I could say was,

                             "You"

                             "Yes?"

                      "Whatever happens kan, you'll always have me tau". He had me guaranteed. I never know what will happen in the future, but whatever may come, come. I'll always have his back no matter what.

                   "Sometimes, I rasa I ni jahat. I made you feel sad lately".

Oh gosh. I started weeping.

He was the most amazing person that I ever met. Someone that remembers everything that I say, someone that I know I can reach to when I am in need. Someone that is always on the opposite side, that has contradicting opinions with me. I understand the world in a different pair of eyes when I'm with him, and I find peace too in it. He makes me improve as a person, and he makes me more than happy all the time. How can I ever give this up only due to an ounce of all of this jeopardy due to this jealousy? He was never bad to me. It was time, it was the situation, it was our pasts haunting us again. Nevertheless, despite all these, our moments have been more than perfect. I swear to myself that I don't want to ruin the picture any longer.

We reconciled. I don't know about him, but I was touched by his words. How foolish of me to think so badly of him, when he is just a sweetheart.

Two days at school had given me the space to think. Yes, I do feel sad, yes, I am still heartbroken, but now I understand what he said to me earlier,

                        " That's why we need to trust each other and never talk lies"

I should try to trust him. No, I must trust him. This is what he meant all along. Everyday, I pray that he will achieve his dreams and find his happiness

-and I hope that I have given him happiness, even a little.

P/S: If you're reading this, I'm sorry, and I miss you. :')
                   

Friday, 30 June 2017

Toilet

12:04:00
i am asking myself
over and over again while
cringing under the shower
downpour at 1 am
"what did i do wrong?"
replaying like a mixtape
i feel like banging my own head
to the checkered walls so that
I don't have to remember any of
these again.

i am grasping for air
while my own lies drown my
face into a basin of truth
but please,
i pleade,
push my head deeper
until my heart sinks
so it doesn't have to feel the pain
as it shatter due to the vows you
never promised.

don't pull my strands of hair to
pull my head
please don't save me,
i beg.
i don't want to rest my temples
at the edge with bloodshot
eyes and dry myself with a towel
and strut out looking just fine.

Please,
leave me.

Thursday, 29 June 2017

Sea

10:32:00
strolling barefeet along the coast
let the strong rays of sun shade my eyes
whispered a prayer to the clouds
hoping the sky will fix it fine

the wind stormed out and messed my hair like my feelings messed my dreams
my intentions go back and forth like the water
non stop overthinking

i am the raging waves ruining
the shore
-i was angry.
but your reflection makes it
a beautiful scenery
makes me twinkle during
quarters of the night

you make people stare
at me with serene
-i was finally at peace.

Tuesday, 27 June 2017

The Guilt

09:48:00
 We were talking about distance. I told you about my perspective on distance which it has only two outcomes; either it will make us being further and drift apart from each other until it ends by itself or the feeling grows stronger that makes us realize that we do need each other so much in our lives and we will hold on until we see each other again. Twelve days of being away from you have changed me. I have never felt so reluctant of being apart from someone. I have thought about this a lot in the long duration, and I know that it is the second option with you. Good night texts have never been so important for me, nor good morning wishes either. What kind of magic have you been using? You have changed me-no, you have completed me.

                         " That's why we need to trust each other and talk no lies"

Gulp. Your words caught me at my throat and froze my fingers. I don't know any kind of heartwarming words to type anymore. I coaxed myself. I didn't lie to you. I never did. I swear to God, I have never lied to you. It was just that, there are some not-so-big-but-not-so-little-information-that-I-purposely-leave-out-because-I-don't-want-to-ruin-us-but-now-I-feel-guilty-as-hell because you are a nice person and you mean the world to me. I knew exactly the person that I should call for the emergency before I drown us down.

                                   "Just ask him directly. Don't swirl your words, just shoot it"

After rehearsing a few sentences with Elle so that I won't mess this up, I literally copied what I rehearsed from Telegram to WhatsApp and sent all of it him.

                            "You, I don't know if we're in a state of comfort to tell each other everything but I will ask you once and I won't ask you this again."

                          "Do you still love her?"

My heart leaped out of my body when I sent those. I was like, God, please don't let this go wrong. I don't want this to end so soon. God, help me. God, please, it's Syawal, don't let be Airmata Syawal for me please.

                     "Who?"

             "I think you know who I mean"

                   "Eh seriously I tak tahu ni"

MasyaAllah brother are you serious? Is he playing games with me or he really doesn't know what I'm talking about, or specifically who I'm talking about? I really wanted to avoid saying her name in this case to avoid any throwbacks or anything. I just wanted assurance. An answer. 

I had to, and believe it or not, he was cool about it. I don't know if he was hiding it beneath him, but he was always cool when he talks to me about everything in the world. It was a 50/50 answer, but I was relieved. Phew. 

We escalated in talking about other things and asking each other on what other things that we wanted to know, so I answered him, honestly and truthfully. It was going well as usual, as open as we used to be until-

He quoted my golden question above and asked, " Kenapa you tanya I soalan ni?"

Gulp. My heart didn't just leaped out. My heart literally crashed my ribcage with a F1 racing car, tore my skin, broke its ties with the veins and exited out of my body. Oh God. Sometimes why it is so easy for people to dig things out of me. 

                            "Oh, I'm just curious", I was shivering when I typed those.

                          "Oh okayy"

I am not lying, but there are some not-so-big-but-not-so-little-information-that-I-purposely-leave-out-because-I-don't-want-to-ruin-us-but-now-I-feel-guilty-as-hell.

Because you mean the world to me, that's why. And I'm afraid that it may ruin us. That has been my ultimate fear.

Let's just enjoy the fireworks while it lasts, but they can never outshine you.

Thursday, 22 June 2017

Tepung Pelita

02:32:00
It all started with a phone call that made me felt miserable the whole day. I was devastated. I was demotivated. I felt the world was turning its back to me. I have never felt so alone in my life. I had nobody to run to. If I could, I would like to leave. I couldn't describe in detail on what had happened because I no longer want to remember one of my most horrible nightmares, but-

                           this is the part where i miss you the most.

i enjoy the comfort of freely talking to you about everything and anything without a hint of feeling insecure. well, yes, of course, sometimes i wonder if you do judge me somehow because we just met and i may expose too much of the darker side of mine that will only make me look like a bipolar crazy lady or something, but as long as you don't complain yet, i would like to seize the moment. 

you won't stop asking until i say why, and you will coax me until i feel better. you always give me wise unpopular opinions and advices. i knew that we promised ourselves that twelve days won't be long but at that moment, i felt very frail. how i wish that you're not here with me.

i kept that long face until dinnertime until suddenly, i saw a tepung pelita served beside my plate. my little CS bought them for the whole table. looking at it, i started to carve a crescent smile.

" I memang suka tepung pelita. wajib ada waktu iftar"

it may just be a coincidence, but i choose what i want to believe. and i believe that maybe, you will always find ways to cheer me up. that's your nature after all, spreading good vibes to the people around you.

i never ate a tepung pelita before, but that night, i savoured it until the last spoonful. and it was delicious :)

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

#threedaysafter

00:32:00
Finally, I can sneak into the library and check on email updates, also brainstorming for this week's article for Affinity. I am just randomly scrolling at my social accounts.

                         "If you miss me, update your blog."
Hence, I am here.

Saturday, 10 June 2017

A Fortnight

09:56:00

you made silent nights more
memorable with
your loud mind 
and taught me how
to see the floating
clouds in different shapes
in broad daylight.

pardon me if this isn't two-way
but good night wishes seems
to be a routine
even if my eyes pull the blanket
early
but waking up to one
makes me feel complete.

my stories are boring
but i am impressed
on how someone can
pay attention and
ask further questions
i am not being a sly
but you just jumped
from a cliff to my
deep rantings,
be prepared to drown.

-like i'm always ready to sink into yours.

we travel into each other's dreams
flying like broke wanderlusts
hoping to witness the sunrise
that we always wanted to see
when we become conscious
from the tickling sand
or our feet hanging 
meters above sea level
and embrace our shadows
as it sets goodbye

-but we won't.

we keep our inner vows sacred
and we don't need assurance to
ensure that we are each other's
backbones

be free to run
and take what is yours

you'll have cuts
you'll feel the pain of sore bruises
you might be empty in a crowd

no matter what will it be,
and what it will be next,

just look at the sea,
and i'll be there.

Tuesday, 6 June 2017

Saturday, 27 May 2017

Deeper Conversation

20:56:00
"Is your favourite colour blue
Do you always tell the truth
Do you believe in outer space
And now I'm learning you"

I took a leap of faith to text you that day because I do talk to you but we always let the dialogues hanging, so I pushed the grey flag emoji.
' I want to know you better'

"What do you want to know?", you asked.

It was a tricky question because I wanted to know everything about you, but I was afraid that I will make you uncomfortable. I was afraid that my big mouth will make you shut yourself out from me. I was afraid that I will be too chatty that will make you feel annoyed. Finally, I settled down with this :

"What is your music preference?"

Lame, I know. Thank God I didn't ask for your full name instead.

You told me you have universal eargasm that you hear to everything according to your mood.  We found out our first difference when I said that I hear to club music when I break down but you choose to hear ballads to calm you, but ballads will only add misery to my sorrows
- and that was not the only one that we found out about ourselves.
Your spirit animal is a tiger because you are amazed with fast animals, while mine is a lazy koala that sleeps for 23 hours. We shared our personal wisdoms in life, the issues in our country, our dilemmas and shits that keep holding us back. It was sad to see such a gem like you give up with the world so I tried to shine some light, but I was afraid if it was too bright. But you told me you like to hear uplifting words from people so I kept going on.
Apparently, we heard the exact same concept of giving from two different people and it amazed us on how God works in miraculous ways. You asked to me spill how I ended up here talking to you, so I had to burst all the cheeky moments, and actually, I lied. Your voice was not the only information that I had about you. You turned your back. So that marks the start of my quest to find you. The rest was purely true.

We only took a couple of hours to escalate from acquaitances to friends, I am glad that I found someone that can accept and exchange my wildest opinions. You always have something to say about everything, and it fascinates me. I definitely settle with agreements but I love different ideas. I also slept well for the opportunity to be closer to you, even binded by technology, but whatever that is happening in your life, my heart conveys to you.

"Thank you for lending me your ears", you said, as I became sleepy and started to tuck into bed.

"I never mind for more rounds of sessions like this"
- I want to learn more about, and from you.

Friday, 26 May 2017

Explorer

08:33:00
my midnight thoughts broaden its arms to cradle your 
effortless fragile heart
people see you blindly with their naked eyes
but you are spiritually a warrior
walking bared feet into the hollow woods
they claim the lion as king
but you are the emperor
all hail to the vined thoughts
and bizzared illusions
that i ought to drown into.

my table lamp shines upon you;
a modern lantern that i light up
in this dark bedroom
hoping that the stars outside will notice
and align into constellations for you
to read 
and find your way back home.
you are not good with bearings
but i hope that you do get the idea
from the strength of the magnetic
field that my silent prayers convey

wherever you stopped today,
sleep with a blanket of trust
and feel the warmth of love,
my love.

come home fast
my brave explorer,
let's go on a new trip
soon.

Saturday, 20 May 2017

Lessons Before My 17th Birthday

03:28:00
Approximately 20 minutes before my 17th birthday, I am lying on my two single beds that I pushed them together to become queen sized, lazily let Pepe the penguin that Ell gave me to support my head while writing this. This year, I have been sending threads to my favourite people of the things that I am grateful for having them in my life, and I do want to do the same for myself as well but I can't find any in this oversized figure yet. Thus, I think I'll just list out what I have learnt prior to the day that I'll turn 17.

1. Don't expect that you'll get back what you give, but then, God has promised that He will reward you for your patience and good deeds, for He, is the richest of them all. Therefore, you will still get back the price for everything that you give, but in different miraculous ways that none of us can expect. And He, knows best.
2. Personally, I think the reason why I don't have a lover/not interested in puppy loves with no guarantee/haven't find the right one is because God wants me to spend more time with my loved ones. I do everything with them more than anyone else in the world, but sometimes I took the moments for granted. I'll always let time swing by like another passerby when I'm with them, and I hope that I still have more chances to repay all the time that I have wasted.
3. I always forget that as I am eager to grow up to finally soar my wings and live my own life, my loved ones are getting older too. It is heartbreaking to see hints of wrinkles on Ma, Ba, and Cikgu's skin whenever I see them. They won't tell me directly to my face on what they feel, but I just know they're all afraid of me leaving them. Some days, I miss them a little too much as well and yes, I don't say it out loud either. I pray to God everyday so that I will be given the golden opportunity to repay their kindness for raising me up with their strength and knowledge and be able to make them smile. J
4. You don't need a lot of friends to be happy. I am serious. To be frank, I do purposely keep my circle of friends small because I would handpick the people that will stay by my side as I would do for them. It is toxic to have backstabbing friendships, been there done that. For years living and knowing them, I can confidently say that my friends are all keepers.
5. Do what you want to do whole-heartedly. Boost your potential and give 100% to it. Build your base, build your name, earn your fame. There's no flights to the top so hike the mountain. Journalism is my game, and there's no way I'll back out from it. Ever.
6. Success requires commitments, success requires failures.
7. When you feel down, play some music. When you feel happy, play some music. When you feel angry, play some music. Immense in those feelings that blends with the lyrics and all of the pain will go away.
8. Always be grateful for the things and the people around you. Appreciate their presence. Show that you care.
9. God is the best listener as He is nearer to you than your own nerves, thus pray to him. He knows everything but tell him all. Ask for His guidance, for He can give you the light to show your way back home.
10. Some people may not talk to you anymore for no solid reason as longts as you can remember. Just think that it is just life taking its course. I learnt this from a Tumblr post for someone and I am glad I read it.the
11. Don't rush into things, take your own pace to get there.
12. The only important root to live a happy life is love. Cherish, accept and spread love. Your worries will be clouded.
13. The thing about love at this age is that, it is full of uncertainties and reasons. I, myself too still cannot differenciate between admiration and love. One minute you like a person, one minute you feel you're a piece of garbage because they, and all boys in the world don't notice your existence, one minute you'll sink in those depressions and one minute, you're floating back up, living your life and don't even remember why you fell for that person in the first place. It is foolish, I know. I have never been much of a dating person but I think at this age, it is time for me to back out and don't love someone unless it is solely love.
14. Don't let little things ruin your long-built relationship with someone. Yes, I am very upset if my loved ones don't remember my birthday or don't come to my events or just be there for me, but there is always a spot in my heart when I look at them, I'll feel like pulling their arm, "Aw, come here" and hug them tight. The fight is useless. The fight is meaningless. At the end, all that you got is each other after all.


Tuesday, 9 May 2017

Chocolate Cereal

05:34:00
I stirred a bowl of chocolate cereal
added some water, poured more powder
ate a mouthful by myself
then I remembered how you used to share.

I would always swing by your meal times
when I heard the can was open
I would drop all my toys and
faithfully wait beside you at
the dining table.
Grandpa arrived with
your blue embroidered bowl
and red plastic cup,
shoved the spoon towards you
but he noticed his little angel
opened her mouth wide too.

an aeroplane with a zigzag route
his arm became
tirelessly filling two empty stomaches
while watching 3pm cartoons on TV.

that is not all.
squishing each other on a seat on
your wheelchair during exhausting
zoo outings
your mattress where sometimes
I laid to rest while you're at school
your cranes and tractors that became
my possession due to Bob The Builder

even when I'm on my worst moods
and you had to endure the smacks
you would cheerfully smile,
because there is no other
beautiful words that you can convey
and I'm glad you don't have to know
any other syllable.

Grandpa doesn't make those cereals
anymore
and there is no one staring behind the
metal locks waiting for a new guest
nor the jingles of the keys as you drag
them along around the house

i kept on stirring the chocolate cereal
and ate mouthfuls
as it is the only bridge of memories
that I have
with my Paksu.

Your cheer and smile will always bless my journey.
Al-Fatihah.

Thursday, 27 April 2017

Editor for The NG Magazine

00:41:00
This is a very special day for me since I finally have the position as an editor at a new startup magazine, The NG Magazine! Now, double the work, double the fun! I need to work harder for a raise at The Affinity though, but no sweat! I'll be up there someday in Affinity too, I just need to climb the ladder a little higher. I'll ace this!

Xx,
M.

Sunday, 23 April 2017

10:15:00
                         "Penat la. I want to quit everything and be ordinary again"

  This is not the first time you tell me this. In fact, in most of our conversations lately, you would randomly complain to me about your workload. I am usually gonna send you an emoji or two and feel 'yep I've done enough' but tonight, when you broke down like that, I suddenly felt a pain aching in my heart and the stars witnessed my frown as I was about to cry, because it was really sad seeing your loved ones feeling negative on the extraordinary things he or she was doing, and he or she didn't enjoy it at all. The worse part is, I couldn't do anything for you, even now I'm on my break on a long weekend, I couldn't randomly send you stuffs or food to coax you to make you feel more comfortable  or just be there and listen to your stories and make hambar remarks but laughes anyway because it was too hambar it's unexplainable that there's no other suitable remark left. Worst, when you can drop everything and be there for me, physically or virtually when I need you the most when I have my emotional breakdowns and make me feel much much better and enlightened than before. Gosh, I am a bad person ☹️☹️☹️

I have already told you my two cents that may or may not uplift yourself because what am I compared to a wise person like you, but I hope that it will give you comfort in some ways. I know we' already had a silent agreement that there won't be any emoshit stuffs being said, but if you ever feel so low and think that you have nothing else to offer and do in this world, just so you know that you have a little princess that will always need you and run to you for everything and looks up to you more than any other famous scholars in the world. You have been her inspiration to move forward and stay strong despite the tide, so you should too.

I'll always have your back, promise!

Love,
Your Favourite Brat. ๐Ÿ™†๐Ÿป

Friday, 7 April 2017

Message from Wa

05:37:00
Dear Maleen,

      If one day, you achieved something good and people started to praise you, please please please remember to pray "Ya Allah, tundukkan aku, jangan sesekali Engkau jadikan aku hamba-Mu yang riak. Sesungguhnya rezeki ini tidak akan hadir tanpa izin-Mu."

                                                                                              Haha, tapi serious tau.
                                                                                                               Love, Wawa.

Wednesday, 29 March 2017

Important

06:15:00
The thing about life is this; it traps and flies you to cloud nine and pushes you off to the hardest ground.

Now, I know how it hurts so bad that no ER department can accept this patient.

Sigh.

I tend to priortize people in my life and I tried my best to make them see and feel that they are important. I would share the most unlaughable joke on Twitter, tell them about my days especially what's happening in college, rant to them about everything that is unpleasant for me, cry to them on the littlest twist, be extra mengada and suddenly can't do anything and asks for their help because I want them to know how much I need them. I truly love them very much.

In return, I just want them to stay beside me on every birthday, graduations, success, heartbreaks, on every journey that I embark on. Even when they're incapable of doing anything, I just want, and beg them to stay. Everytime my forehead touches the praying mat, I only hope for God to bless me on everything that I do because there's nothing compared to what they have done for me and my success is the only joy that I can bring for them, especially the top three.

Today, I learned that how much you make someone so important in your life, you can't ever expect the feeling will be mutual.

I understand that I can't expect them to listen to everything that I say and sometimes I just hit them up at the wrong time and they have their own worries too. I totally bear in mind that the world doesn't revolve around me. I comprehend that I'm not the only person alive in this planet and in fact, I make up only a person out of billions of this world and the spotlight doesn't have to be on me. I am consciously aware that I don't have any special talent like anyone else, but I make the effort to be present in the thunderstorms and rainbows.

Why am I the only one that has to tolerate the doubleticks, offensive sarcastic remarks, no-moods, tantrums and all but can't they as well when it comes to me? Why am I always the bad guy that seems to mess everything up? I am blind if it isn't obvious that I am only useful when in need of use. I don't know which is worse : being blind or blindfolded by all the memories that I have with them.

" Nobody is too busy. If they care, they will make time"
Honestly, I don't know how to walk away, and if I do, where? I am completely lost and at my weakest. God, please forgive and protect me.

The thing is this; no matter how much they hurt me and leave,

-they will always have a space in this small avenue with the size of a fist, my heart ❤️

Thursday, 23 March 2017

A day out with Cikgu

09:28:00
  It has been 3 months since I have seen him, and he always told me how tired he was from the excessive workload on his shoulders, and I believed him today, as he greeted me with dark circles under his eyes. I wonder how many naps did he missed.

   We (including Haziq and Uwais) went for lunch and were brought to meet his mentor at Hulu Langat. I didn't expect that we were going to stretch our legs that long but what's a day off without a journey. I was the co-pilot, sitting next to the passenger's seat. I tried as hard as I could to be talkative and pull out topics when our conversations suddenly shut down since Uwais was heavenly sleeping behind, and Haziq, I was not sure if he was awake or not, but he didn't respond nor laugh to any of our jokes, so I guess that he dozed off as well. A lot has been brought up along the way, like his plans for education, our discussion on how motivators nowadays can easily make money by making people cry during townhalls, parenting issues, good books to read, preferred choice for universities, shafla detura (because we passed by Desa Tun Razak and I started singing 'kerja rumah sudah komplit' ), and much more.

   As we reached Hulu Langat, we met his mentor, Abang Naim  and sat down for a lecture session at a cafe' nearby his office while sipping our drinks. Abang Naim  knew me from the article that I wrote that he shared on Facebook, and asked me what was my plan for the future.

" I don't know yet.", I shrugged.

"What a simple answer," ,he said. I was not sure whether it was a sarcastic remark or he was complimenting my 'short cut' answer, so I decided to justify myself.

"I was planning on venturing into journalism seriously, but I thought that taking up a business-related course would be a good idea since my parents are business oriented, Cikgu is business oriented so I can have all the help that I need"-well, to be honest, I wasn't being honest with this statement.

I absorbed a lot of things from Abang Naim, including ideas for my upcoming articles at Affinity, especially regarding how the world actually works in general. This would be a lengthy, boring post if I describe it here one by one. We talked about our (our?) potentials. Haziq is an apps developer so they discussed on how Haziq can expand his talent and all in his app development and someday, somehow we will become partners for the company, and at this legit moment, my throat went itchy and I felt I was choked. I was planning to escape from this whole chain. I am not fit by all means to contribute/partner/take over the company especially beside these freaking awesome people that's even younger than me. I don't know what I did last year when I was 16. Seriously. In my mind I was like, "Um, thank you, but is there an Uber here? I need to go away before the expectations get higher"

Suddenly, Abang Naim faced me.

I told myself, "Maleen, this is the part where you're gonna die and burn in flames. Say your last word".

He continued, "Ah, you can become-"

Before he could finish his sentence, suddenly Cikgu put down his phone on the table that he played with as Abang Naim shared his knowledge with us.

"No. I want to let her do what she wants to do", I could sense the seriousness in his voice this time.

I was starstrucked and my heart began to ache.

Even on the way home, I tried my best to let all my gratitudes out but I couldn't. When he talked to me, I couldn't lift up my face because even thinking about me makes me sad, and I believe looking at his face only will make me cry.

This person that will only burst a laughter if he reads this, is the one that will bear with me how rebellious I can get. He will never drag me to the right if I walk to the left, and picks me up when I bleed and scarred. He calls me a brat and I can be very overlyattached at times but he reads all my ramblings on Telegram and answers my doubts. He is cool with me crossing my legs everywhere-the chair, the couch, the car seat, and never complain of me being rough than any other female students in the universe, and never push me to follow his footsteps to do whatever he is doing now. Instead, he let me roam free.

I acknowledge the fact that I have failed him so many times by being his nightmare type of student

-but yet, he chose to believe in me.

I even rushed in when he sent me home because yes, he teased me by right after he left and I was unlocking the door kind of story, and I couldn't convey my biggest gratitude to him.

Today, seeing his struggle, I promised to myself that I will make him super proud of me. Anything that it takes to make his effort in raising me up alongside my parents to become a person that I am now is worth it.

-thank you for being one of the best blessings that I have in life.

(I am not sweet like this everyday you better crown me a princess for real)

Xx,
M.



Monday, 13 March 2017

Believe

03:17:00
I was about to have my first quarterly test of the year when I had this conversation with E. I was struggling to read and memorize every line in my books and it was far after lights off.

"C'mon Leen,", E said, shifting her position on her bed. "Just go to sleep".

Still keenly looking at my reference book, I replied, " It was easy for you, E. You don't need to study a lot and you still score good grades".

"Do you want to know something?", E asked, after my statement. Now, I turned my back towards her.

"What?"

"I just think that I made it because I simply believed in Allah's work, and whatever He do is the best", E's tone was still playful but it was intense on the other side-me.

E continued.

"I don't even want to enter a boarding school at the first place. Yes, my parents want me to, but I don't even feel like it."

"But then, I didn't know how to carry out our religious obligations. Of course, everybody studied those by the ustaz and ustazahs at school but I just don't get it. I didn't understand why should I do those."

"So I prayed to Allah, and said, ' I don't know what your plan is, but if it could make me a better Muslim, then let me and lead my way'"

"Then, I entered this college. We do play hard here and all, but most of us took our religious obligations seriously. We took our prayers seriously, we took our Quran readings seriously. I learned a lot here, and safe enough to say, I have become a better Muslim, better than I was before."

"Put your outmost faith in Allah, Leen.", she ended her story, "as He is the best planner".

-and I have ended my quest in searching on what did I missed for the past 17 years of my life.

Friday, 10 March 2017

Dream

03:56:00

I dreamt of your death for
the third time.
I was shivering after I woke up
because I could feel the warm
marks of your fingers
on my right arm when
you gave me a tap
and I can't focus at
any theory in my thick books
even after distracting myself
with rave music and a short nap.
It eased a bit after that, but
school felt like forever
it started to crawl and knock
down my brain.
"You cannot leave this"

You don't know that I cringed
and tears were about to fall
from my cheeks when the public
phone couldn't accept more than 10
digits and your number had 11,
and waiting for 4pm is like
departing my soul to a
tragedy island.

I thanked God when
you said you were just tired
and when I talked about it,
you just randomly crack jokes.
I was angry because you didn't
understand how crucial this is
for me,
but Wa said maybe you
just wanted to calm me down
and assure me that everything is alright.
You wanted me to not worry.
I don't know but I never have
the wildest thought of losing you
as I never thought of breaking
my spine

-and I pray hard that I don't have to.

Tuesday, 21 February 2017

Updates

06:30:00
Brb, sweeping dust from this page, phew phew (blows dust like blowing a birthday candle) ๐Ÿ˜…

Life has been very tiring for me lately,like,double homeworks than Form 4 like that weren't enough, classes every weekend and sleeping later than usual to make sure that I actually have time to indulge into a book before I end my day. It's getting worse since I literally drift off to sleep during each gap between classes and somhow I need to take mum's suggestion seriously on consuming multivitamins. My body is too fatigue to do anything.

A lot has been done before entering 2017 which is putting on braces, trying my best to workout often and stay awake after Subuh. I feel like I have all the time in the world to do anything rather than waking up at 11am.Oops, busted.

I don't have any good resolutions this year other than for a good health, better results in school and being more devoted to God. Allah, please guide me on each step that I take. Amin.

Wishing all of you only the best days to come!

Xx,
M.

Reverie

04:29:00
We were nothing more
than Bonnie and Clyde
that even makes our
own lives collide 
with stung arguments 
now and then
but 
I can't imagine 
myself 
imagining us
as James Dean
and Audrey Hepburn 
in a roofless car
sinking into the smell
of the salty sea,
exchanging wolfish
twinkles from
the lenses of our
shades 
and playfully let
the wind mess our hair.

My fear derives from
my naรฏveness 
because I don't know
what is under your 
leather jacket 
and it is a nature of
a Taurus to be unaware when
being taken advantage of,
but now
I don't mind crashing during
the ride and read false signs.

You seem like a sin,
tempting but forbidden,
but even an angel 
is bored by abiding the rules.

You are a traffic light,
stop at red or you'll be fined.
but life's a dizzy roller coaster 
and there's no better view 
waking up after a 
pixelated dream 
than a clear picture 
of your smile.

This is a tug-of-war
that I willingly let you push
me down and pull me 
back up countless times
and 
the pain made me want to 
lick my wounds instead of
sticking bandages.
the scars,
the only pathway to 
trail my memories 
with you.

Don't break my reverie,
will you?
I just want to doze off
in this castle of clouds,
with you waiting at the
gates with a sleek navy blue
royal suit.

Love is uncertain,
but I don't need any guarantee
and answers,
as long as it's you.

Friday, 20 January 2017

Distant

06:50:00
I remember you as the housewife
that has 24/7 shifts 
cooking storms at the kitchen counter
in and out from the drying room
with hangers and clothes pegs 
as dumbells that kept your
muscles stretched like a weightlifter
dust feared you,
they dissapear as you turn on
the vacuum every weekend 
but still sheepishly stayed 
from Monday to Friday
played hide-and-seek to
tease your energy
they lost anyway,
as it is the hollow sound 
that accidentally sucks the 
curtains that woke me up.

I still see the shadow of 
the video recorder at
every camera that I hold.
they say that humans only remember at 5,
but the excitement of the guitar cake
with Mickey Mouse characters on 
my fourth birthday wasn't a feeling,
it was a flashback.
the spikes of my hair with 
a tiger plush in one hand
and an empty bottle in another,
it was an ordinary morning 
but you were afraid to forget
so you pushed the button and 
carefully made sure you didn't fall
as you walked downstairs backwards.
my feet was familiar with the dance
routines of Hi-5, let it be the same tracks
from dawn to dusk,
you watched and sang along.
maybe that's why I expected to grow up 
as a performer but the inner introvert 
of yours made me quietly sang
the lyrics on a piece of paper.

I could still hear the bells of 
the merry-go-round as it started 
to twist around.
I waved at you from a pink pony
with a golden hair
while you capture the moment
and print the pictures.
I always thought that the films 
that came with them were 
freestyle X-rays  
and smiled when you pointed
at my cheeky faces.

Unfortunately,
time passes and moments fade.

The cutleries thought you were a stranger.
Dust won a huge victory and invaded our
bedroom.
The video recorder was too old,
the tapes were unplayable.
Any of us don't even know how to
hum to a Hi-5 song, let alone 
recognize the actors.

As for me,
I outgrew my pyjamas,
loathed milk,
let my hair compete 
with my spine.

I thought I was growing up,
but I didn't realize that growing up
meant distant feelings with
the few ones that you owe 
the world to.

Maybe that's why I looked for you
at playgrounds, 
old cartoon sketches,
entrance of kindergartens,
the trolley section at supermarkets,
and on my queen-sized bed,
where I could hear your calm breathe
sleeping beside me.

'We only miss the memories,
but not the person.'

How could that be when the person
was in every memory?

-It was just me.
It was just me.