Friday, 30 June 2017


i am asking myself
over and over again while
cringing under the shower
downpour at 1 am
"what did i do wrong?"
replaying like a mixtape
i feel like banging my own head
to the checkered walls so that
I don't have to remember any of
these again.

i am grasping for air
while my own lies drown my
face into a basin of truth
but please,
i pleade,
push my head deeper
until my heart sinks
so it doesn't have to feel the pain
as it shatter due to the vows you
never promised.

don't pull my strands of hair to
pull my head
please don't save me,
i beg.
i don't want to rest my temples
at the edge with bloodshot
eyes and dry myself with a towel
and strut out looking just fine.

leave me.

Thursday, 29 June 2017


strolling barefeet along the coast
let the strong rays of sun shade my eyes
whispered a prayer to the clouds
hoping the sky will fix it fine

the wind stormed out and messed my hair like my feelings messed my dreams
my intentions go back and forth like the water
non stop overthinking

i am the raging waves ruining
the shore
-i was angry.
but your reflection makes it
a beautiful scenery
makes me twinkle during
quarters of the night

you make people stare
at me with serene
-i was finally at peace.

Tuesday, 27 June 2017

The Guilt

 We were talking about distance. I told you about my perspective on distance which it has only two outcomes; either it will make us being further and drift apart from each other until it ends by itself or the feeling grows stronger that makes us realize that we do need each other so much in our lives and we will hold on until we see each other again. Twelve days of being away from you have changed me. I have never felt so reluctant of being apart from someone. I have thought about this a lot in the long duration, and I know that it is the second option with you. Good night texts have never been so important for me, nor good morning wishes either. What kind of magic have you been using? You have changed me-no, you have completed me.

                         " That's why we need to trust each other and talk no lies"

Gulp. Your words caught me at my throat and froze my fingers. I don't know any kind of heartwarming words to type anymore. I coaxed myself. I didn't lie to you. I never did. I swear to God, I have never lied to you. It was just that, there are some not-so-big-but-not-so-little-information-that-I-purposely-leave-out-because-I-don't-want-to-ruin-us-but-now-I-feel-guilty-as-hell because you are a nice person and you mean the world to me. I knew exactly the person that I should call for the emergency before I drown us down.

                                   "Just ask him directly. Don't swirl your words, just shoot it"

After rehearsing a few sentences with Elle so that I won't mess this up, I literally copied what I rehearsed from Telegram to WhatsApp and sent all of it him.

                            "You, I don't know if we're in a state of comfort to tell each other everything but I will ask you once and I won't ask you this again."

                          "Do you still love her?"

My heart leaped out of my body when I sent those. I was like, God, please don't let this go wrong. I don't want this to end so soon. God, help me. God, please, it's Syawal, don't let be Airmata Syawal for me please.


             "I think you know who I mean"

                   "Eh seriously I tak tahu ni"

MasyaAllah brother are you serious? Is he playing games with me or he really doesn't know what I'm talking about, or specifically who I'm talking about? I really wanted to avoid saying her name in this case to avoid any throwbacks or anything. I just wanted assurance. An answer. 

I had to, and believe it or not, he was cool about it. I don't know if he was hiding it beneath him, but he was always cool when he talks to me about everything in the world. It was a 50/50 answer, but I was relieved. Phew. 

We escalated in talking about other things and asking each other on what other things that we wanted to know, so I answered him, honestly and truthfully. It was going well as usual, as open as we used to be until-

He quoted my golden question above and asked, " Kenapa you tanya I soalan ni?"

Gulp. My heart didn't just leaped out. My heart literally crashed my ribcage with a F1 racing car, tore my skin, broke its ties with the veins and exited out of my body. Oh God. Sometimes why it is so easy for people to dig things out of me. 

                            "Oh, I'm just curious", I was shivering when I typed those.

                          "Oh okayy"

I am not lying, but there are some not-so-big-but-not-so-little-information-that-I-purposely-leave-out-because-I-don't-want-to-ruin-us-but-now-I-feel-guilty-as-hell.

Because you mean the world to me, that's why. And I'm afraid that it may ruin us. That has been my ultimate fear.

Let's just enjoy the fireworks while it lasts, but they can never outshine you.

Thursday, 22 June 2017

Tepung Pelita

It all started with a phone call that made me felt miserable the whole day. I was devastated. I was demotivated. I felt the world was turning its back to me. I have never felt so alone in my life. I had nobody to run to. If I could, I would like to leave. I couldn't describe in detail on what had happened because I no longer want to remember one of my most horrible nightmares, but-

                           this is the part where i miss you the most.

i enjoy the comfort of freely talking to you about everything and anything without a hint of feeling insecure. well, yes, of course, sometimes i wonder if you do judge me somehow because we just met and i may expose too much of the darker side of mine that will only make me look like a bipolar crazy lady or something, but as long as you don't complain yet, i would like to seize the moment. 

you won't stop asking until i say why, and you will coax me until i feel better. you always give me wise unpopular opinions and advices. i knew that we promised ourselves that twelve days won't be long but at that moment, i felt very frail. how i wish that you're not here with me.

i kept that long face until dinnertime until suddenly, i saw a tepung pelita served beside my plate. my little CS bought them for the whole table. looking at it, i started to carve a crescent smile.

" I memang suka tepung pelita. wajib ada waktu iftar"

it may just be a coincidence, but i choose what i want to believe. and i believe that maybe, you will always find ways to cheer me up. that's your nature after all, spreading good vibes to the people around you.

i never ate a tepung pelita before, but that night, i savoured it until the last spoonful. and it was delicious :)

Wednesday, 14 June 2017


Finally, I can sneak into the library and check on email updates, also brainstorming for this week's article for Affinity. I am just randomly scrolling at my social accounts.

                         "If you miss me, update your blog."
Hence, I am here.

Saturday, 10 June 2017

A Fortnight


you made silent nights more
memorable with
your loud mind 
and taught me how
to see the floating
clouds in different shapes
in broad daylight.

pardon me if this isn't two-way
but good night wishes seems
to be a routine
even if my eyes pull the blanket
but waking up to one
makes me feel complete.

my stories are boring
but i am impressed
on how someone can
pay attention and
ask further questions
i am not being a sly
but you just jumped
from a cliff to my
deep rantings,
be prepared to drown.

-like i'm always ready to sink into yours.

we travel into each other's dreams
flying like broke wanderlusts
hoping to witness the sunrise
that we always wanted to see
when we become conscious
from the tickling sand
or our feet hanging 
meters above sea level
and embrace our shadows
as it sets goodbye

-but we won't.

we keep our inner vows sacred
and we don't need assurance to
ensure that we are each other's

be free to run
and take what is yours

you'll have cuts
you'll feel the pain of sore bruises
you might be empty in a crowd

no matter what will it be,
and what it will be next,

just look at the sea,
and i'll be there.

Tuesday, 6 June 2017