i am asking myself
over and over again while
cringing under the shower
downpour at 1 am
"what did i do wrong?"
replaying like a mixtape
i feel like banging my own head
to the checkered walls so that
I don't have to remember any of
these again.

i am grasping for air
while my own lies drown my
face into a basin of truth
but please,
i pleade,
push my head deeper
until my heart sinks
so it doesn't have to feel the pain
as it shatter due to the vows you
never promised.

don't pull my strands of hair to
pull my head
please don't save me,
i beg.
i don't want to rest my temples
at the edge with bloodshot
eyes and dry myself with a towel
and strut out looking just fine.

Please,
leave me.

strolling barefeet along the coast
let the strong rays of sun shade my eyes
whispered a prayer to the clouds
hoping the sky will fix it fine

the wind stormed out and messed my hair like my feelings messed my dreams
my intentions go back and forth like the water
non stop overthinking

i am the raging waves ruining
the shore
-i was angry.
but your reflection makes it
a beautiful scenery
makes me twinkle during
quarters of the night

you make people stare
at me with serene
-i was finally at peace.

 We were talking about distance. I told you about my perspective on distance which it has only two outcomes; either it will make us being further and drift apart from each other until it ends by itself or the feeling grows stronger that makes us realize that we do need each other so much in our lives and we will hold on until we see each other again. Twelve days of being away from you have changed me. I have never felt so reluctant of being apart from someone. I have thought about this a lot in the long duration, and I know that it is the second option with you. Good night texts have never been so important for me, nor good morning wishes either. What kind of magic have you been using? You have changed me-no, you have completed me.

It all started with a phone call that made me felt miserable the whole day. I was devastated. I was demotivated. I felt the world was turning its back to me. I have never felt so alone in my life. I had nobody to run to. If I could, I would like to leave. I couldn't describe in detail on what had happened because I no longer want to remember one of my most horrible nightmares, but-

" I memang suka tepung pelita. wajib ada waktu iftar"

it may just be a coincidence, but i choose what i want to believe. and i believe that maybe, you will always find ways to cheer me up. that's your nature after all, spreading good vibes to the people around you.

i never ate a tepung pelita before, but that night, i savoured it until the last spoonful. and it was delicious :)

Finally, I can sneak into the library and check on email updates, also brainstorming for this week's article for Affinity. I am just randomly scrolling at my social accounts.

                         "If you miss me, update your blog."

Hence, I am here.

moon;