Saturday, 22 July 2017

" I don't want to be near to someone foreign. I want to be so close to you even when it means to be far apart, doing different things at different times. I don't know where this distance will bring us this time, or make us feel, I don't know, I am not sure. I don't know that it will collide us towards each other or stretch us far apart until we snap. Until we meet again, I will keep looking up to the night sky where the moon is in crimson, maybe somewhere, out there, in the darkest night, you are looking back at it as well."

Wednesday, 19 July 2017


Everything has been quite a storm that barged into my life lately, and I feel very out of place. It's true that Rome wasn't built in a day but these chaos wiped all my fences gone.

God, why is Ed Sheeran playing while I'm writing this?

Honestly, I feel very numb. I can't differentiate between being happy or sad, sometimes I'm up watching the fireworks on Everest and a blink of eye later, I am stranded after being pushed down a cliff. Everything that revolves in my life seems mad and I can't join the dots to any of them, but they say that in this world, the mad people are sane, so I conclude that I am the 'okay'est person on the planet. In my universe, at least.

I used to dislike Lang Leav. One minus point for her expensive books that I can finish after an hour in the bookstore while waiting for Ma to finish her shopping spree, and I am fine with expensive books, like R.M.Drake's, but not when it only has 200-300+ pages. Another minus point for her proses and poems that only circulates in one idea; love. She is a good writer, and I am anticipated in reading her works, but the hype will be gone after 20 pages. An unpopular opinion of mine, there are other feelings in the world. Anxious, angry, bored, lazy, curious, sad, sick, crazy, lost, not feeling anything. Why not make a masterpiece by combining them all. I even have a poem about the pain of a mosquito bite. No kidding.

But yesterday, I don't know whose novel did it belong to, but it has been residing at the bookshelf for quite some time, with thick dust covering it. I was trying to distract myself, so I pulled it out. It was The Universe Of Us from Leav. I read it anyway, and I was shocked, because it felt that all the words that she penned on the paper shot me like bullets to my chest. I felt it was written for me, or the exact feeling, as if I was the one that wrote it. That is the power of poets. They make you feel less alone when they convey their hearts out. Not all, but there may be a few stanzas that they described perfectly that you wish you can write the same. Wish you can tell the same.

I also went for a jog, after months of not doing so. The usual pain came, but I ran anyway, knowing that it will ease after all. I wished every step that I ran to all the doubts and problems that I have, hoping that I could leave them behind. I didn't know what will that has pushed me, but I managed to run a round of TASA. Believe me, this was my first. Am I reliving memories? I don't know. I just keep running.

When there's a will, there's a way, and God, please show me one.

Monday, 17 July 2017


Ma and I were chilling in the car that was parked near the basketball court after lunch. Time check, 2.45 p.m. Ma didn't have the radio on, she wanted to listen to Ungu's Tercipta Untukku that she downloaded on her tab. Maybe, well, maybe, she had found the one after all.

                            " Come, show me your nails. Are your nails long?", Ma asked while searching for a nailclipper in her makeup bag. I grinned and handed my fingers to her. She shook her head and pulled my hand closer to her. She covered her lap with a Crocs recyclable bag to not let my nails make a mess. I know how to clip my own nails, I certainly do, but I will never clip it as perfect as Ma, especially at my toenails. So, when she clips her nails at home, I will come near to her and plaster my face at the waste basket where she throws her long nails away. It is also like a manicure session for me hehe.

As she was clipping my nails, Ma sighed and said,

                           "Macamanalah kalau mama dah tak ada nanti".

I gasped and my heart suddenly ache, but I encountered those uneasy feelings by jokingly saying, "Ma, apalah guna seorang suami nanti", yes, dear future husband, when you marry a Maleen, you have to marry her flaws, clinginess and her dependance towards you, such as helping her to clip her nails and make sure she has them short by the weekend. On the other hand, I'll try my best to train myself to iron a pair of slacks without double lines and master many techniques of tying a tie knot. 

Ma didn't utter a laugh and continued to clip my nails. Her silence sunken me into my deep thoughts. I am very 'manja' with Ma, and my other family members because I am the only child in the family and the firstborn grandchild. I live with Ma, only the two of us most of the time due to some circumstances, so imagine how I am very close to her despite the petty fights and all, but it is always settled within a question, "Let's go eat". 

I figured out that the reason why I want Ma to do the little things for me, such as clipping my fingernails, sometimes comb my hair, is because I want to make little bits of memories here and there with her. And living away from her makes me realize that maybe, somehow I can retrieve some of the times that I'm not there with her by doing these little things. Maybe, nauzubillah, if she leaves first, I have a chamber of them with me to re-live in our small house in Klang, our common ground.

I can read it from her face, I know that she was, and always worried about me. I understand why. I do have relatives and all, but if she's gone, I will lose my little family. I will lose my place of comfort. I will lose the only person that can read me like an open book and knows it all, and handle me with patience that she may also lose sometimes when my tantrums strike. Who will I turn to when the day comes? Who can ever have the wisdom to deal with all my emotional wrecks and shits? Who will be reliable enough for me to depend on and have the generous courtesy to help me remembering Ma by doing things that she had used to do for me, like clipping my nails? 

The grand question is, who will be strong enough to not give up and hold me back up when I am totally lost to destiny?

I know I will never do enough to repay all her kindness and blessings for raising me, but I hope I will be given the space and time to do the best for her before she leaves in peace. 

Yes, I can be very dependant and all, but she doesn't have to worry, as her daughter is an explorer that collects her strength from the beach sky and the beating waves, and someday the pebbles of sand will carve lines on the way she should go. She has absolute faith in that.

Sunday, 16 July 2017

The Embarassment

      " Leen, you should only call him for maximum, 2 times. If he didn't answer then just let it be", Ell said sternly after I came back from the payphone. She dozed off last night so she didn't know what only God knows how many times I did nothing but dialling his phone number again and again after 2 hours of strictly Biology. I didn't mind dialling that much because the payphone didn't take up my money, and all it said was, "Sila Dail". Piya was the one who got lucky, she managed to get Aqil on the line only with one try. Here I was, switching my position to a thirdwheeler.

     I swore to myself that I will only try thrice at the afternoon, and if he didn't pick up, then I'll have to let it be. Maybe he was busy. It was incomplete for me to not bid him goodbye before he enters school again. Routines, I must say.

    I was about to give up when I heard "Hello?", on the other side.

                    " Do you have any missed calls on your phone? I tried calling you and I was expecting to hear a voicemail if you don't answer, but the payphone asked me to dial again"

                    " Yup, 11 actually."

   My jaw dropped instantly. Since when did I dialled so many times? And how did it get to the extend of...11 trials?! I am glad that he didn't have to see me jumping up and down with my baju kelawar because I was so embarassed. Man, what?! I couldn't even believe myself. Maleen, where the hell is your pride and integrity? Just wait when Ell knows about this, I will definitely get a two-hour lecture on 'Why Do You Have To Be So Stupid?"

Let me give you a quick trivia. Maleen Balqish is a person that will go the extra mile when you have succeeded to reserve a room in her heart. She devotes herself to them; her family, her best friends, the people that she choose to be around her and her passion,  and she will do anything to make sure that their wellbeing is wholly happy and healthy, with and without her presence. Sometimes, she overdoes them, like calling a person 11 times, but she just wants to check up on you and make sure that you're okay, and aware that she is always there to be with you through thick and thin.

She can be very matured at solving other people's problems or answering Pendidikan Agama Islam's KBAT questions, but she too, realized that she is so innocent when it comes to dealing with her own emotions. She has nothing to give you, and nothing against you, except for the great affection that she developes for you. Break her, tear her, drown her, she has been through that so many times. But, she never gets it why she has the courage to stand up, forgive you and start the process all over again. I know what people will label her. Naive. Push her around and toy her all you want, because she only knows that life is a pure, empty canvas although you have splattered it with red marks.

I don't know how many times do I have to repeat this phase but she can be very attached to you. Yes, it's true, she does keeps all her feelings to herself and expects you to know by your own, but she is never afraid to show that she cares. She is never afraid of making the first move, asking about your whereabouts, how are you feeling, what are your likes and dislikes, and certainly remember them in order to make you comfortable with her. And... call you 11 times just to bid you goodbye until she gets to talk to you again. I warn you, break it out to her, leave quick and run as fast as you can if you don't like being bothered that way, because being mistaken as annoying is the last thing that she wants to be known for.

 Back to the conversation, he talked to me as usual and laughed a lot along the way, maybe he was just like me, clueless of things to say. When it's time to end the call for the last time, we exchanged wishes.

                                    " Take care", I said.

                        " You too. Drink a lot of water please, and study hard, okay?"

                                    " I'll study hard, promise"

                      There was a gap of silence until I said,

                                        " Miss you"

                                        "Hm, okay"

I feel like banging my head on the wall at that moment. Head Maleen was yelling angrily at me saying, "What the hell did you just said?!" while Heart Maleen encountered the situation and confronted Head Maleen while hugging me, " Isn't it usual for her to say that? She said it on texts".

Head Maleen then reached a rifle beside her and targeted Heart Maleen's head, " Don't you know that saying it live is a huge mistake?! He may just answered 'Me too' with a frowning emoji on texts because he just wants to please you and not hurt your feelings. Worse, he doesn't even mean it! Don't you remember what Addie told you? Differentiate kind gestures from signs! Ah, why do I have to deal with someone so naive?!"

And there they are, Head Maleen and Heart Maleen starting World War III in my system, leaving me as the middle man, more confused than ever.

Ah! Why is it so hard to be naive!

Friday, 14 July 2017


He's finally home for the weekend, and how i missed him so! *virtualhugs* *buthalalgap* *sepwilldo*

"James huh?", he asked with a quirky laugh. He approved of the name and he googled James Dean because he never heard of him. To him, James Dean was so-so. He was like that too, so-so to people but he swoons them over their feet.
What on earth did I get myself into.

We exchanged updates on the first two weeks of school, and it was hell for both of us. He said he feels unwell. The maximum number of days he will be sick is 3 days. He said to not worry as his fever is usually not that bad and he can still have the energy to study. Eh hello, how I am supposed to not feel worried? Even not hearing from him makes my heart feel uneased.

He read everything here, and I managed to say sorry for not opening up to him. Yes, he let me walk away, uncharged. Hehe.

I lied on my bed last night after the quick conversation, feeling calm than ever. I feel that a burden had been lifted from my chest, and dozed off with a smile. I want to make the most out of these two days to spend more time with him before we have to separate ways again for weeks. He told me to hold on. "Continue studying and you'll be out of this in no time. What's glory without sacrifices, kan?" , he comforted me when I whined on how I cannot go home for almost two months until Eid Ul Adha. A baby, I am.

               "Yes, success requires commitments!" , I shouted at the payphone, feeling motivated. He is everything now. My happy pill, my booster. Let's just hope that he won't be a heartbreaker.

Cheers to #2, #5 to go!

Thursday, 13 July 2017

Talking To The Moon

“ Leen, look at the moon!” 

Wa exclaimed with excitement, as we mesmerize the glowing full moon that was very close to the surface of the Earth. I have always wanted to experience the night view at TASA, our sports arena, and dragging Wa along for the first try wasn’t a mistake. We sat at the benches and watched the fading orange shades of sunset at the sky changed to a dark blue hue. Suddenly, we saw the stars twinkle one by one, dispersed, decorating the sky like touching up a well-painted canvas. We couldn’t help but saying Subhanallah repeatedly as we witness The Almighty’s beautiful creations.

We lied down on the lanes of the running track with our baju kurungs, camouflaging in the dark to not get caught by any of the guards that were doing their rounds with their motorcycles. Unladylike, I know. We aimlessly stared at the sky and started looking for constellations. Wa was looking for the belt ( I can’t remember the name, I left Standard Six a long time ago) because she said it is the star to determine the direction of the Qiblat. I let her be and sink in my own thoughts.
 “ What will you do if you have the power to control time?”, Wa asked, her eyes were still wild hunting for the desired constellation.
“ I don’t know, maybe I’ll turn back time to Form 2. Life was enjoyable back then. What about you?”
   “ If I have the power to control time, I would like time to stand still at this very moment”
Yes, that’s Wa, my rough, rugged, tough best friend. We have 5 months left of sticking around and seeing each other’s faces everyday. I believe that the thought of ending school soon is heavenly, but maybe someday I’ll be waking up to the fact that I won’t be coming back here to laugh at all their jokes and live life with all these funny dramas will hit me very hard.

We went there too on the next day, and we pulled Ell along to join us. It was hilarious, because there was a car with very bright headlights were making our visions blur and lighted up the whole sports arena. We were anxious of getting caught so we tried our best to hide in between the stairing benches to avoid from being seen. It was surreal. We were like the most wanted criminals in the country and the car may be full of police officers that wanted to lock us up in jail for… what? Looking at the stars aimlessly while having deep-straight-to-the-heart conversations? But what’s high school life without any thrilling stories? At least I have things in store to tell my kids, and there are more schemes to come. Mischievious student alert!

Staring into the deep night makes me remember about James. Uh, I think I’ll just refer to him as ‘him’. When I tried to read back my post using that name, I felt disconnected with him. It feels like I am trying to replace his identity. I’m sorry Vivy, I can’t be a loyal fan.
I always refer to him as my ‘moon’ because he likes to send me black moon emojis when he wishes me good night, or when he’s being cheeky. I’m the yellow one. I know Wa and Ell don’t like it when I mention him, because maybe deep down they thought that their koala, shrek and whatever names that they call me has been snatched away from them. Ell even actually wanted a mandate, she didn’t want him to call me ‘Leen’ or even ‘Maleen’, because she calls me that. Haha. Well, I’m sorry that everyone that knows  me calls me by my own name!

Somehow, a bigger part of me wanted him to be there, stargazing too. I don’t know if he’ll enjoy it as much as I do, but he once told me that he really wanted to race at TASA’s track someday, if he was given a chance to do so. The sports arena has eased the feeling a little. I wonder how he’s doing now. I hope that he’s always fine and happy, with chicken and sports in the evening, his two favourite things. We do have some places that we wanted to go, so we can enjoy more sceneries. Now here’s the pros of being out of school. Not to forget, the long awaited roadtrip around Malaysia with my friends too! Yes guys, I’m still going. Don’t worry. I won’t be in a position to choose between you guys or him, as all of you are equally important to me. No arguing needed.

In the midst of hardwork, dramas, patching memories with friends and missing him, the stars still align to bring me peace.

Sunday, 9 July 2017


This week had been a turbulence for everyone around me. Wa was still trying very hard to back up and move on from her dad’s loss when she had to face the pain of losing her best friend that is also close to me. I also heard of Ell’s Opah Cheetah’s passing last few days, and she never shed a tear infront of us, although only God knows where and when she breaks down by herself. Ell is just being Ell, she never shows her feelings and make people worry. I am surrounded by very strong people and they are my inspiration for me to keep holding on to the obstacles in my universe that is not even half as hard as theirs.

Living my first week of school after the break and knowing there’s 6 more weeks to go before another makes my body jerk to adapt to the surroundings. It is different now. Every landmark that I pass to when I walk around has its own significant memory. There’s always a thing that he wants to do and the things that he say that will echo in my mind. Wait- enough with the ‘he’ game. Adding more Vivy Yusof’s influence to this blog, I shall call him James, as how Vivy addresses Fadza as Dean. The name ‘James’ itself sounds charming to me, and he has the daydream look in his eyes like James Dean’s from his photos (Oh wait, maybe that’s why Vivy calls Fadza Dean! Or maybe she just westernizes Deen Nasi Kandar, as she loves to go to mamaks) and a noble heart like Sir James Young, a fictional character of a doctor that has helped Singaporeans during the Japanese Occupation, as told in the Crazy Rich Asians trilogy. Finally, I can crown someone with that name, although to only add more mystery in the air, and himself. At least one fine day, when I have lost my memory, gone senile or something, I can still read here, or someone can help read this to me, and remember that there is someone that I cherish in my life and I called him by my favourite name.
 “ How is James? Is he alright?” 

That has become Ma’s routine questions everytime she picks up my call or visit me in school. Of course, Ma calls him by his real name, and she doesn’t know whatever that happens here. She has been asking about his wellbeing, and all I can answer is,
“ He’s fine, Ma. He must be studying hard right now.”

Ma has always favoures his ‘sons’ ( I have more guy bestfriends at primary school until I enter an all-girls high school). Ekmal, for instance, and my cousin Am, are her favourites. She even trusts me to go out with them even to the end of the world than my girl friends. I am careless, she said, and need an eye to keep out on me. Alhamdulillah, I have such responsible friends that will always keep me at the safe scene and watches out on me. If not, I may have missed a movie, or a train, or a bus, get scammed or kidnapped. I never bother to hide anything from her, because in a blink of an eye, she knows everything by herself.

-          I am glad that she favours James, too.

At times I feel very sad because I don’t know actually what’s going on with him. I don’t know if my definition of ‘fine’ suits his situation at the moment. Why do we have to be so close yet so far? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s just my feelings. But, it’s something that I cannot undo because he has been a part of my life.
 I tried my luck to call James last night. Once at 1 am, once at 2 am, the times that he may still not be asleep.
                         “ Oh sorry, the number you have dialled is unreachable”

Gosh. He didn’t bring his phone along. Such a bummer.

The second week of school is going to start tomorrow, and I should be adjusted back to the routine by then. Please. You must be, Maleen. James is probably studying hard and not thinking about anything else while I’m overthinking here. I guess I’ll just have to go back to my books, and keep him at the back of my mind.
You’ll always be in my thoughts, James.
#1 down, #6 to go.

Monday, 3 July 2017

The Heartbreak

I don't know which is worse.

He posted a Boomerang with a girl.
They were an item, as suspected by Nad.
I felt frustrated.
There's no solid reason for me to be that way.

I thought I was so used with being hurt until this. This foreign heartbreak was so unusual. It felt like your veins were cut off and your heart was slashed with a samurai sword. It was so painful that I couldn't even scream to call for help and all I could do was to silently cry.

It was my fault. It was the consequences that I had to take when I first chose to know him. I've had all the warnings alarming me in my head, yet I decided to go for the chase and search for him. I knew that sooner or later, this emotional wreck will hit me. Sometimes, I wish I could turn back time and prevent myself from learning him too much, conceeding to the fact that I will get attached. I don't ever want to develop this feeling that will kill each soul that keeps it, especially on him. Jealousy.

                                   " Love is sefless, Leen", Ell told me this many times. " You should be happy when he is". But, where where can I even insert the big 'L' word in this sentence when he never promised me anything? We are happy staying us, in this way that we can't describe, so why does these jingle of emotions of mine has to ruin it all? I am totally confused.

I remembered that morning when I came downstairs and found Ma lazily sitting on the couch at the living room. I sat beside her, and rested my head on her arm. She was a genie in a bottle, she could read everything that is clogging up in my mind.

                                 "Still can't forget about yesterday?", Ma asked.

                              I nodded and immediately buried my head in her chest.

              "Sayang, here's the thing. You can lose a lover, but you won't afford to lose a friend. Don't dive deeper. Just let time decide."
 I know it is hard. I know you will have to swallow all the ugly truth by yourself, but at least, at the end of the day, you still have him, and he still has you. One day, both of you will know where to go from here.Trust me".

I waited for him, just to see if I mean something in his life. He texted that afternoon, and I continued talking with him as usual, and I don't know if God was on my side that day that there were 2 SRK movies showing on TV. One at 2, and one at 9.

I was enjoying the night movie round, it was K3G. I was giving my 100% focusing on my on-screen boyfriend and my phone was on silent mode, just to distract myself from having those unanswered questions on my mind again and again. When the movie had a commercial break, I took my phone and saw a notification.

                        " I see that you are having too much fun with your movie. Just let me know if you want to sleep, okay?"

Such a sweetheart. Although the movie ended at 1am, I used the opportunity to write an article in order to stay longer. He was also completing his calculations, so we accompanied each other. I was done with my work and he wasn't, so I chose to return the favor.

                       " But it was 2.45 am. , way past your bedtime. Aren't you sleepy?", Yes, he still remembered that I am usually knocked out by 2.

                            "No", I said, still keeping it natural. "Besides, I feel that we haven't talked much for the past two days". Two days makes a difference when you communicate with someone everyday without fail.

                       " I rasa macam you marah I je", he startled me that instant. Was it too obvious? I did tweet a frowning emoji, but that was it. How could he, as a guy, can be so alert with his surroundings?

                        "Tak adalah"

                    "U sure?"

That time, I was searching for any of my friends who were online at 3 am in the morning and had some feedbacks coming in when I told them what was roughly happening, but not with who. How am I supposed to say at his face that I was horribly jealous when I don't have the right to? He will think that I am out of my mind and maybe distant himself from me. All I could say was,



                      "Whatever happens kan, you'll always have me tau". He had me guaranteed. I never know what will happen in the future, but whatever may come, come. I'll always have his back no matter what.

                   "Sometimes, I rasa I ni jahat. I made you feel sad lately".

Oh gosh. I started weeping.

He was the most amazing person that I ever met. Someone that remembers everything that I say, someone that I know I can reach to when I am in need. Someone that is always on the opposite side, that has contradicting opinions with me. I understand the world in a different pair of eyes when I'm with him, and I find peace too in it. He makes me improve as a person, and he makes me more than happy all the time. How can I ever give this up only due to an ounce of all of this jeopardy due to this jealousy? He was never bad to me. It was time, it was the situation, it was our pasts haunting us again. Nevertheless, despite all these, our moments have been more than perfect. I swear to myself that I don't want to ruin the picture any longer.

We reconciled. I don't know about him, but I was touched by his words. How foolish of me to think so badly of him, when he is just a sweetheart.

Two days at school had given me the space to think. Yes, I do feel sad, yes, I am still heartbroken, but now I understand what he said to me earlier,

                        " That's why we need to trust each other and never talk lies"

I should try to trust him. No, I must trust him. This is what he meant all along. Everyday, I pray that he will achieve his dreams and find his happiness

-and I hope that I have given him happiness, even a little.

P/S: If you're reading this, I'm sorry, and I miss you. :')