Sunday, 3 September 2017

Time

09:43:00
                           " Who am I to you?", he asked because I let him ask me a question before I sleep.

                     " Can I ask you back?", I answered reluctantly. Of course, I was shy.

                             " No, you can't", he said cheekily.

                         I took a deep breath and typed on the keyboard,

                                  " My favourite person. I hope you now understand why I am irrationally jealous sometimes".

                         " Don't be like this, Maleen, it was just Sharifah Rose!", he jokingly laughed, which made me laugh as well.

                              "Well, she's not the only one. What about the comment at Farah Ann's picture? Justify yourself, mister!" , I joked as well, trying to ease the line that slowly becomes intense. " What about me? Who am I to you?"

                         "More to my best motivator?", he said reluctantly. From there, I know what was in front of me. Still, I tried my best to crack up some lame jokes. " Hey, be certain. What's with the question mark?"

                                      "I'm sorry, Maleen."

                   This was it. This was it. This was the moment that I feared of my whole life. I had told people that I would be brave, I would not break down. I would not be furious, I would not be enraged, I would not be crazy because of it.

                             " I know that this will hurt you, but I am not ready yet. I can't even understand myself. Sometimes I was like this, sometimes I was like that, I don't know. I have to admit that the old scars are still bleeding. I think that not being committed to any relationships are the best for now since I don't  know what the future holds for me later on. For now, I just want to be friends with everybody and make everyone happy"

                   I reminded myself many times that it was never his fault upon reading his response. He was just as confused as I am. He was hurt as I am. He was stuck in the middle. Sometimes, my wild thoughts questioned his actions. Did he do that out of courtesy or he did care about me? Worse, did he actually feel sorry for me, so that was why he kept the conversations going? I don't know.

            I don't want to lose him. I don't want to lose his wishes. I don't want to lose the privilege to listen to his infectious giggle at the beginning of every conversation. I don't want to lose the person that will be very observant and realise any slight changes of me. I don't want to lose the person that always advises me towards the better. I don't want to lose the person that will always remind me to put my parents first, to put God first above everything. I don't want to lose the person that will share with me some good new music that is playing around the Internet. I don't want to lose the person that I can randomly talk about everything in the world without feeling awkward. Above all, I don't want to lose him.

                             Hence, I lowered down my pride and asked him to stay.

                                " Sure, Maleen. I want you to be by my side to go through this all too"

                          Somehow, when he said that, I felt that I had already lost a part of him.

     Going back to college tomorrow, boy, I don't know how to face this. Why did this ground has to be the place where I first laid my eyes on him? Why did this place has to bring so many memories that I have to cope with for the next two months until I am gone for good? I have to live with the things that he said when I pass through landmarks at college. But, that are the only things that I have left of us, isn't it? I should cherish them, right?

    All in all, for now, I am letting time decide. I am letting destiny takes its pace at the right place. Who knows, maybe, he is the right person at the wrong time and will be right at the right time? Or maybe, he is a phase that I have to go through before meeting the right person that will be waiting at the end of the lane? There are so many consequences, I don't know. But, I believe that God didn't give me those instincts that led me to him for nothing. Whatever the reason may be, let it unfold itself.  I have never been grateful that I met him.

    I will be away for the next two months, and he will go on with his battle as well. I will miss him, I always will. Maybe, this distance will do us good. It always will.


Tuesday, 29 August 2017

Questions

10:44:00
I know this is weird because I never directly dedicate any of my notions to you, but-

Remember when I always tell you that I want to ask you questions but I would always take it back and said that I will tell you when it's the right time? You will always keep calm and say 'okay', but I am not. This is getting out of hand, especially when it was the thoughts that are haunting me that makes me not trust you. It was the thoughts make me overthink when you don't do the things that you usually do. I will immediately think that you're upset with me, and I'll be upset with myself, because the last thing that I ever wanted from us is losing each other. Maybe you're right, I was just overreacting. 

Hence, I'll ask these now.

One, is the person with you that first made me upset with you is her, the one that you once told me before? if so, then no wonder. our first love will always have a room for them to stay for the night whenever they come back knocking at the door. it is normal. but a follow-up question, may I? does she still occupy the room permanently? did you let her have the keys?

Two, what about the last one? did you leave any information behind when you first spilled it to me? next, repeat question one. 

Three, the answers lie on you, I don't know but, whatever will it be, then, where do I stand? In another room, in the living room, or in front of the front door where I keep ringing the doorbell and waiting at the doorsteps for someone to open it from the inside?

I am done here. I am relieved.

Don't be scared. I just wanted to know the truth. How sweet or bitter will it be, I would like to listen to them all attentively. Take your time until you're ready, I don't want to rush you. Besides, I'm not going anywhere, regardless of anything that you kept safe from me. I have promised you that, didn't I?

I enjoyed this ride with you, it makes me carefree and the dizziness of running in circles has never been so refreshing. But, I am afraid of expecting more from you. I am afraid if I am secretly hoping more than this abundant happiness that you have granted me. I love mysteries but I don't like being uncertain. Let me draw a line for myself as a limit warning, so that I never dream of crashing the barrier between us, although now it seems transparent. 

I know that it will make you feel uncomfortable. I know that you may think this girl is crazy or something, although I have to admit that I am. I just don't want these things to crush us down, in fact, even anything in the world to bring us down. 

Whatever that will happen after this, I don't want to lose a friend. I don't want to lose the privilege to listen to your infectious laugh that will immediately slow down my palpitating heart after each phone call. Most importantly, I don't want to lose one of my backbones that have been supporting me through thick and thin. I can't even afford to do so. 

I don't know where have you been. We had a glitch during our conversation on Monday and both of us have been acting weird. Your answer will always be same, "Tak ada apa-apa". You have always been the calmer one. Sometimes we do need this gap of silence, intended or unintended, to keep us back to our senses, don't you think? But you have always been the more rational one, guess that I was the only one who needed time for a rest. Both of us have agreed on the outcomes of distance, and on my behalf, it is true. It's just that, I never obeyed the two key points that you told me before. I am sorry.

You may read this, you may keep on scrolling, but I have conveyed all my questions to you. You may leave this blank, you may fill in the answers, it is up to you. 

Good night, and come back soon.


09:22:00
I am tired of being sad. I am tired of hoping uncertain wishes. I am tired of being jealous of the things that I shouldn't be. I am tired of overthinking. I am tired of breaking down to relatable songs and cry. I am tired of being dissed. I am tired with the thought of wanting to be someone's priority for at least once, choose me over something else, or someone else. I am tired of feeling insecure. I am sick with not trusting people at all and at the end of the day, my overprotective problem shuts everyone out. I am tired of wanting someone to at least notice the slight changes in my behavior and immediately know that I'm not okay. I am tired of depending my happiness on someone else.

God, take me out of this cycle, please?