Tuesday, 17 October 2017

Difficult

11:15:00
It has been a difficult phase for me. As selfish as it sounds, please, let me talk about me without thinking about anybody else.

I had many things toppling on my head and the only thing that I wanted to do was to run at the nearest public phone and dial his number, or anyone's number, and at least, hear his brief giggle when he picks up the call. It manages to make me calm everytime. But, conceding to the painful fact that he won't be there at the end of the line, there I was, sleeping away and waking up with my parts torn apart each day. It was always the same game, he's available but i'm at school, or i'm free but he needs to attend a class next morning. He wasn't the observant man that he used to be because I was the first one to realise that-

we are drifting apart.

it was time, it was us, i don't know. i don't know how does he feels about this, or how i feel about this, i am not a mind reader. oh how i wish i can just forget all this complicated shit and go back to square one, the naiive, old me that does not the meaning of all this unbreakable threads of emotions that she has to digest and interprete. life would be easier, simpler and empty as it used to be,

but he splashed colours to the faded walls and squeezed in velvet furniture to fill in the spaces. he made the new cool in me. how am i supposed to give that all up?

I saw his efforts in making time for a conversation, but then, i also see that he couldn't let go of his dear, hurtful memories just yet. from there, i realised another important fact;
i am facing a difficult man.

Difficult is not a word can be used to summarise an adjective. It is not even an adjective that can be applied to a person. Difficult people, in my straight POV, are just confused people. They are looking for many things beneath what is in front of them; their wants and needs, their priorities, and even themselves. I am a difficult person myself, that is why i only allow a very small circle of people to study and understand me, and also the only ones that i can rely on. But, for this case of us, I have to be strong.

The triumph of handling difficult people is not measured by how much he has drastically changed after a few months meeting you and such, it is how you can keep up and help him stand when he falls down during the process. Mind you, this is not a contest. This is not a competition on how to change people.

despite all the negative feelings that i am feeling for the time being, i'm struggling to be there through thick and thin. I used to rush into things, but i will try to let him take his time. i'll vow to myself to be more tolerant and understanding. all that he needs is support, and i have promised to do so.

I'm sorry that I have to say it here because I don't know how to tell you this personally because I am never the type of person that are courageous enough to say what I want to say, but just so you know that I'll always be there for you. All the time.

Saturday, 7 October 2017

My Love

18:44:00
my love,
is a tug of war.
he pulls me for a tango
on the crystallized dancefloor
and pushes me out of the balcony
when i thought he was leaning for
a kiss under the shimmering moonlight
-of course he held my arm from falling, it needs two to tango after all.
but he never managed to stop me from falling head over heels for him over and over again until when
i wore a parachute under my dress,
i still hope for him to save me.

my love,
is a messy kitchen,
an unarranged fridge,
untidy rack that even mice doesn't want to have a sleepover
i savour his words like a jar of Nutella spread on toast for a perfect breakfast
but his face was like a stale Caesar salad for lunch,
I sip the remaining juice with confusion as I accidentally choke
like how he choked on his roasted chicken when I question
him
does he cook out of love or out of pity?

my love,
is a never ending maze
his heart, the roads that i get lost into everytime for a visit.
how can i memorise the trails when there's a new flyover or long shortcuts that are newly built that makes the pathway blurrer?
as i knock the door after the thunder, shivering in pain
he would welcome me with the
warmth of his calming touch
and drown me in the flood again.

my love,
is nature.
he is a damaging hurricane that whips off my sanity
yet he is the brightest sunshine
that you can see from the beaming smile on my face.

my love,
is a man that i will remember his name,
that i will mesmerise his complexion
that i will hold his hand,
but his heart,
that i will never have.

Sunday, 3 September 2017

Time

09:43:00
                           " Who am I to you?", he asked because I let him ask me a question before I sleep.

                     " Can I ask you back?", I answered reluctantly. Of course, I was shy.

                             " No, you can't", he said cheekily.

                         I took a deep breath and typed on the keyboard,

                                  " My favourite person. I hope you now understand why I am irrationally jealous sometimes".

                         " Don't be like this, Maleen, it was just Sharifah Rose!", he jokingly laughed, which made me laugh as well.

                              "Well, she's not the only one. What about the comment at Farah Ann's picture? Justify yourself, mister!" , I joked as well, trying to ease the line that slowly becomes intense. " What about me? Who am I to you?"

                         "More to my best motivator?", he said reluctantly. From there, I know what was in front of me. Still, I tried my best to crack up some lame jokes. " Hey, be certain. What's with the question mark?"

                                      "I'm sorry, Maleen."

                   This was it. This was it. This was the moment that I feared of my whole life. I had told people that I would be brave, I would not break down. I would not be furious, I would not be enraged, I would not be crazy because of it.

                             " I know that this will hurt you, but I am not ready yet. I can't even understand myself. Sometimes I was like this, sometimes I was like that, I don't know. I have to admit that the old scars are still bleeding. I think that not being committed to any relationships are the best for now since I don't  know what the future holds for me later on. For now, I just want to be friends with everybody and make everyone happy"

                   I reminded myself many times that it was never his fault upon reading his response. He was just as confused as I am. He was hurt as I am. He was stuck in the middle. Sometimes, my wild thoughts questioned his actions. Did he do that out of courtesy or he did care about me? Worse, did he actually feel sorry for me, so that was why he kept the conversations going? I don't know.

            I don't want to lose him. I don't want to lose his wishes. I don't want to lose the privilege to listen to his infectious giggle at the beginning of every conversation. I don't want to lose the person that will be very observant and realise any slight changes of me. I don't want to lose the person that always advises me towards the better. I don't want to lose the person that will always remind me to put my parents first, to put God first above everything. I don't want to lose the person that will share with me some good new music that is playing around the Internet. I don't want to lose the person that I can randomly talk about everything in the world without feeling awkward. Above all, I don't want to lose him.

                             Hence, I lowered down my pride and asked him to stay.

                                " Sure, Maleen. I want you to be by my side to go through this all too"

                          Somehow, when he said that, I felt that I had already lost a part of him.

     Going back to college tomorrow, boy, I don't know how to face this. Why did this ground has to be the place where I first laid my eyes on him? Why did this place has to bring so many memories that I have to cope with for the next two months until I am gone for good? I have to live with the things that he said when I pass through landmarks at college. But, that are the only things that I have left of us, isn't it? I should cherish them, right?

    All in all, for now, I am letting time decide. I am letting destiny takes its pace at the right place. Who knows, maybe, he is the right person at the wrong time and will be right at the right time? Or maybe, he is a phase that I have to go through before meeting the right person that will be waiting at the end of the lane? There are so many consequences, I don't know. But, I believe that God didn't give me those instincts that led me to him for nothing. Whatever the reason may be, let it unfold itself.  I have never been grateful that I met him.

    I will be away for the next two months, and he will go on with his battle as well. I will miss him, I always will. Maybe, this distance will do us good. It always will.