Wednesday, 17 January 2018


Time check; 1.28 AM. It is waaaaay past my bedtime but I still feel the obligation to write since it has long since I had made an entry and the only way for me to talk to you.

How are you? I heard that you're at school, helping out with the orientation. I'm a few thousand feet up high, blinded by the fog, the breeze and the weather that chills up to my spine. It was cold, cool and sweet, and very nice for ootds. well, you know me. Always looking the right angle for the right photos.

I have been talking to someone. He is crazy, I tell you, but he is a nice person in general. He is the first person that I talk to when I wake up, and sometimes I am the first person that he talks to when he wakes up, but that doesn't happen on a daily occasion because he always wakes up before me although I sleep earlier than him. We talk every day, and sometimes it was very random things like the dreams we had dreamed the previous night, our everyday things although all the thing that he does is watching movies on Fox and I am always showing off what I eat. He thinks I am funny when I think I only make sarcastic remarks. We shade each other all the time but at the end of the day, he won't do the things that I don't like. For example, sending me ghost photos. He shares with me videos & tweets that he thinks that is funny just to brighten up my day when I tell him I am hungry. You may not know this but I throw a fit when I am hungry. You are in a danger zone when I am hungry, and he tries to simmer me down.

He comes to KL every weekend now since his mother is studying here for weekend classes, but I still don't have time to see him. Even so, I asked him to accompany me for dinner since I was having dinner alone at Madam Kwan's, and he stayed there with a towel on top of his head since he turned on the camera straight out from the shower. Talking to him in person is the same as talking to him in the chat window. I took him sightseeing around SkyAvenue and went to look for clothes at Uniqlo before his parents called him out for dinner. It was nice having a person that is willing to watch you eat chicken for half an hour while talking about life issues.

I think the reason why we went off was that I wasn't open about myself to you. I didn't show you the crazy side of me that comes every day, instead, I showed you the, I don't know, the feminine, trying hard to impress side of me. I know you are crazy too, but to me, you appear as a charismatic gentleman, a straight-minded man, a strong masculine. We weren't true to one another. With this guy, I am being me, the crazy, clingy, hungry me, and he celebrated it. I am sorry.

I don't know my future with this guy yet. I am not thinking much about it, I just want to see how far this can go. He has a lot of girl friends, so I am not surprised if he's being this crazy to everyone. I am now learning to live in the moment, and I am grateful for every second of it. I hope that you are enjoying the bits in life too., and I hope that you can now find a reason to smile in pictures like how I asked you to.

I'm feeling sleepy now. Goodnight, I miss you.


Wednesday, 10 January 2018

Call Me Back, Please?

10 January 2017
9.43 p.m.

I always write past midnight but since nowadays my mother won't let me stay up more than twelve, so I guess I'll have to write my anecdotes early. True enough, the reason why my nights were lively were listening to your stories and hearing your laughter. All that is left are the dark sky and the stars that are shadowed by the blind curtains in my room. I better sleep that letting the flashbacks coming. Sometimes, the moon paid me a visit during night drives on the way home after a day out, chasing my car just to remind me of you. Look, the whole universe doesn't want me to forget you.

How have you been? I hope that you are always in good hands, or make sure that you are well taken care of. I hope that you are not sick, although you won't get sick for too long, and you would always laugh it off and tell me to not worry, but I still am, because you would always tell me.

                              "You, I forgot to tell you, I had fever earlier this week. 39'C"
                              "Oh my, does it exceed three days? Did you take your meds?"
Or when you trip and fall during matches and receive bandages and stitches...

                               "You, I have been wearing a new pair of socks. Ankle-high"
                                   "Oh really? Are those the socks that players use?"
                                "No lah. I broke my leg"
                                     "You WHAT?!", and the conversation continues during our weekly public phone calls. That's why I hate football. It hurts you. I don't like anything that hurt you. But you always told me that sports has made you strong and endured everything.

I remembered one time when you were so happy to receive a call from me when you greeted me with a, "Hello, you!" across the line. Sometimes I called you at the wrong time, during a movie, during a football match, lagilah, you loved football more than everything in the world. You would answer my calls through it all, and said,

                                "Oh it's okay, you're not disturbing me at all. The movie's boring. I don't like watching movies at night."

                            "Don't be sorry, the match's nothing. I want to talk to you"

When you asked me why I call you out of the blue, I would answer,

                                     "Saja, nak cakap dengan you, tak boleh ke?"

It was difficult that time, it's either me standing in the cold night until morning at the public phone or you would have to dial any of my friend's phone number to call me. When I pass one of my friend's phone number, you would quickly hit them up at night at the same day to look for me.

                                    "What's up?"

                               "Saja nak cakap dengan you, tak boleh ke?"

Hey, you took my line!

It's funny to remember all these because we worked hard to stay connected to each other when we had nothing. Now, we had everything, our phones were at the tips of our fingers but I couldn't dare myself to press '1' a little longer and let it ring yours. I was brave to say that I miss you all the time before we end our calls but now I can't even type 'Hello' to you. I braced myself to walk around with a plastered smile and blushed cheeks but every night, I am frail and fragile in my own pyjamas, in hopes that you are the other side, braver than me to dial my number and tell me everything is okay and laugh as soon as I pick up.

                                  "I miss you"

I used to say it for fun, but now I really mean it. I miss you too much tonight.

Call me back, please?


Sunday, 31 December 2017

A Farewell Letter


I don't know what to say actually. I can give a whole paragraph to Elle and Belle but with you, it's different. I like our attitude that can just come up and say straight up everything and blurt everything out on a bench. I know we don't spend much time anymore at the end of the year but trust me, nothing has changed and nothing ever will.

I know a lot has happened to you like waves this year, and I know it is very hard to live and survive each day with the flashbacks and pain coming back and forth of your mind. I have never felt the kind of pain that you had, and I guess I will never completely understand, but thank you for hanging on. Thank you for your courage, thank you for being very strong for yourself, and each and everyone of us. You have always been the light of the room, you bring happiness at every place that you go. Hence, everything seems dark when one light is dim. Promise me that you'll continue to back up and soar great heights for the sake of you. Whenever you feel afraid, please remember that we are only a text or a phone call away. We are always with you.

I have no regrets in bidding farewell to 2017. I am guaranteed that I will have you in 2018, and the whole Starfools with me on every journey. I hope you will bring our spirit anywhere you go too.