Thursday, 10 August 2017

Near to 60

There is a problem with us.
There are too much repetition of ‘if’
in our sentences as we tap and type it
on our phone screens
we will only earn a high ‘C’ if
this is an English essay,
but the moments with you
surpassed A plus.
I’ll pass with flying colours.

I think you learned quite much from me.
I think I was the first one to break out
to you that you are a Scorpio
and how the word promposal
differs from the word proposal
even though it will bring the same meaning
if you say it with a ring

and the coincidences,
it has been five years since we crossed
paths from school to go back home
and we never had a clue
and it is amusing that all these similarities
brings me closer to you
and not to forget about football,
I know nothing about the field
but I am certain that you’re the mvp,
well, mine, at most,
because I hate sharing.

I am oblivious
I swing from bar to bar recklessly like a free birdI will be a bad driver.

so I am in awe on how you could be so meticulous
like memorising my sleeping patterns
that the cue that I used to say before I doze off
how you can be so thoughtful of taking pictures
of the sea as you brush the sand off your feet
because I said I loved how the light sky matches
the navy ocean
and used them as your weapon to apologise
when I’m angry-
wait, how can you even know that I’m angry?

I beg your pardon to not mention this  but
how can you be so patient with my antiques?
your morning wish will be the first thing that
I see without fall as I pull away the duvet
that has been warming me up from the
and the ‘good night’s although after
not talking to each other for the whole day
and sometimes when I ask a lot of questions
or nag for you to take care of yourself
how can you still calmly laugh and say
‘I’ll be alright, don’t worry’ likea broken tape?

This is still so hard to brain but-
how can you tolerate me?

Your heart is still a Sudoku to me-
I cannot solve or read.
 but who cares anyway?
you are here with me
and that’s what matters most.

but you’re not.

I miss you terribly.

Tuesday, 1 August 2017

" What do you do when you fall down?", Encik Ahmad questioned during his turn to speak during the weekly assembly. Everyone replied, "To get back up!" energetically although the only sound I heard was houseflies buzzing around a smelly trashcan.

                   "When you fall down, you get back up", Encik Ahmad repeated our answer and continued, "But who's doing the backing up? Yourself. Is there any hand from the Heavens that will reach for you? No. I can call high end motivators to come and talk up here and pay them thousands to lift your spirit, but the one who's doing the action is yourself."

                   "Just remember that your teachers up here are always here to support you to push you forward, by all means. We will go the extra mile for you, so you should too, for yourself. Please, if you can't do it for us, or your parents, please just do it for yourself". He ended his brief speech there, which marked the end of assembly.

The first period was Islamic Studies, and oh boy, you couldn't imagine how sleepy I was. I didn't lie my head on the table instantly, but I was trying so bad to open my eyes that in a blink of an eye, I dozed off. Ustazah Arbaayah caught me twice, and truthfully, I didn't mean to do so. The weekend was hectic, it was jampacked with classes and I didn't have time to actually sit down and take a deep breathe. Perhaps it was my fault too, I couldn't manage my time well.

At the end of class, I shook Ustazah's hand and apologised for my behaviour. Ustazah patted my back warmly, " Maleen, I understand that you may be staying up late, but it won't do you any good if you can't focus in class the next morning. I know that you are a good student, I see that, and it'll be a waste if you keep on with these interfering bad habits at this eleventh hour. Try to improve, alright?", I didn't hear a rising pitch in her voice. It was very soothing, very convincing that when we parted ways, I kept on thinking what she said. I felt sad because I felt like I had failed her. I had failed all my teachers, and that is the last thing that I wanted right now.

I have seen their sacrifices, like how Pn Nor Saidah stayed back, still with her baju kurung on since morning until 11pm, and came back at 8 am the next day when she should be resting the weekend off with her family and do something nice, or like how Pn Norizan keeps giving us worksheets non stop just to make sure that we're steadily studying Biology, and Puan Waheeda that usually come at night to supervise us doing Addmaths accompanied by Pn Nina, our counsellor, and the other teachers, oh I don't know what else that they had done behind our backs just to make sure that we're on track. I never care about the teachers until now. I tend to appreciate them more nowadays since they're the only backbones that I have at school other than the prayers that my parents send to me from home.

Keeping your smile at this stake is very hard. I haven't cover anything yet although trials with start next week due to the overflowing workload, and I feel very defeated. I think everyone, especially Ma knows how I like to whine and blame everyone on everything, but there's a verse in the Quran, I can't remember which, that says,

                    " Sesungguhnya manusia itu suka mengeluh. Apabila dia diuji, maka dia akan berkeluh kesah. Melainkan orang-orang yang menunaikan solat"

I learnt that during a Tafseer session with Kak Fari, an Old Girl who is the founder of Little Caliph kindergarten franchise. This verse hits me hard because, I pray five times a day without miss. I take them seriously, but why am I still whining?

So whenever something shows up, I will immediately shut my mouth tight and play the verse back in my head. It has been calmer for me to accept rather than to whine over something that cannot be changed after all. I have to go through it, so I rather go through it positively. Try it, In Shaa Allah it will do you some good too.

Speaking about teachers makes me think about Cikgu. Seeing my teachers sacrificing for us makes me reflect on how much he has sacrificed for me since I was little. It was haywire back then, but he chose to step in and rush me out from the fire. I never take it deeply back then because our interactions are more like friends, but as I grow up and live far from home, it started to reveal infront of my eyes.

As a teenager with a roof that will blow in no time, there are hard times that we will have big fights, like the fights that you usually have with your mom or dad. It was always leaving the conversation hanging, running away and avoiding each other until at one point, I will step in to apologise and he will come and call me back. There are always desicions that makes me hate him and feeling like shouting on top of my lungs, " I am a big girl already! You don't have the right to say the last word anymore!", but when sometimes I tell Ma about it, she will always say, " Grow up as fast as you want, but in our eyes, you're always our little girl". That time, I will always cut her with a feisty laugh, but now, it makes me sad. As I grow up, I will grow distant from the people at home. I will be distant from him. Even right now, I think all I need is his figure sitting across me and comfort me with his consoling voice just like the way he does it when I was really frustrated when I was little.

Gosh, I miss him badly :(

Saturday, 22 July 2017

" I don't want to be near to someone foreign. I want to be so close to you even when it means to be far apart, doing different things at different times. I don't know where this distance will bring us this time, or make us feel, I don't know, I am not sure. I don't know that it will collide us towards each other or stretch us far apart until we snap. Until we meet again, I will keep looking up to the night sky where the moon is in crimson, maybe somewhere, out there, in the darkest night, you are looking back at it as well."