Thursday, 15 February 2018

Hesitate

07:46:00
11.11  PM

I had finally passed my driving license, I can ride flawlessly to campus now, phew!

Everybody knows that I'm not a fan of Lang Leav because of her poem and proses only focus on love as if it is the only thing that one should be thinking about. But as I was waiting for Piya and Aqil to come to the mall that we planned to meet up, I went inside MPH and saw her latest book, Sea of Strangers. I was attracted to the title and the cover of the book, and there was one that wasn't wrapped with plastic, hence I took one and indulged in it on one of the seats at the end of each shelf. It was realistic, it was beautiful, it was me. It was a remembrance of my past, dedicated to my future. If I could, I would have given each of them one copy of the book. One to reminisce, and the other to cherish. 

I stumbled upon a prose about knowing when it is right. If someone makes me see the universe better and reflects the best version of me when I look at him, why do I still need to hesitate? I have read a saying, 'Love is the only thing that time doesn't deter', so why need to worry about the so-called 'youth' that I'm going to lose? Love is about being wild and growing wise together. 

I don't fall in love easily like a bee flying from one flower to another, sucking the nectar and leave when it's full. I can be very pessimist, I would be enjoying the time of my life with the person that I am sure that I want to spend forever with while thinking about what will go wrong this time. Heck, most of the time I would like to pull up my car and drift on any highway to run away from my own feelings. I live in facades, I am afraid that this version of me might appeal to this person that the other doesn't, hence I hide it away in the store of my mind and let it out once I enter the room after bidding goodnight.  I can be cautious, yet very naive. I can be very independent, yet very clingy. I don't know which personality would you like, hence you decide to like the sweaters that you prefer at H&M.

-and there's this man, who is happy with both.

I was traumatized by my past relationship that didn't work out, like what if he was just a pretty break to another heartbreak? What if he was just being nice? I was torn apart, but he made me feel the spring breeze and the winter flakes coming down from the sky even though I've never experienced any of them. He made me fearless and carefree like a flying bird finally out of its cage. He was the one that somehow made me feel that this is right and it won't be wrong this time, but even if it does, we'll still land safely. Oh, how I hope this won't be wrong.

I texted him and dropped him hints but he seemed to not respond. He seemed to not understand as if I was just doing my random pickup line jokes. Is he actually hesitant with me? Or he found his serenity and security in someone else?

Honestly, this time, I do not know.

Xx,
M.

Tuesday, 6 February 2018

The Good Side

08:05:00
 "Jom weh kita habiskan hidup kita dengan makan nugget"

Probably the sweetest thing that I have ever heard since the breakdown. Intentionally or unintentionally, it still sounds cute, like, someone who is down on the road with you, wants to spend his whole life with you eating nuggets and fries and chicken chop on weekends, haha. 

You know, I never thought that giving the chance to open up my heart to people after being hurt brings me wonders. He is not just a person, but he is a classroom. He lets me learn and understand more values in life and figuring out what this is all about. I understood the meaning of give and take. In relationships with everyone and anyone in this world, it is not one-sided. He tolerated with my rants about makeup, he was even enthusiastic and asked me to show the palettes to him, so I need to respect him when he does his things, when he does his training, when he is playing games, when he has his daily naps and when he goes out with his friends. Believe me, he will be in busy mode whenever he is doing everything above but he will definitely call or text back. He said he doesn't like notifications spamming his phone when he is playing his game but he will feel weird if none of them is from me. haha.


I like studying zodiacs, and he is a Libra. He doesn't like expressing his feelings. In fact, he hates Cinta Untuk Starla, like, who hates Virgoun? He hates melodramatic, sappy love songs because he believes that someone's devotion isn't centered on only love, hence you won't die without it, you won't break if it leaves. However, he isn't afraid to compliment, support and show his gratitude. He tells me I'm beautiful and hypes me up when I donned a nice outfit or put on good makeup or snapped nice pictures. He tells me that I'm cute in a Minnie Mouse headband and when I brush my makeup brushes (someone please tell me the logic) and comments the things that I buy and says it's cute too, but don't wear them when I'm out with him. haha. He is very supportive, he supports me in all my work (but I'm not sure if he reads this or not but-alah malulah) although sometimes he doesn't get them but he wants to know and he wants me to progress. All I ever wanted in the people around me is the kind of encouragement that pushes me up, and I am grateful that he accepts and embraces me as what I am- a hungry, baju kelawar girl. haha.

If you're reading this, my lazy husband, I have forgiven you for being forgetful. I have learned that you don't need to be precise and know everything about me, but it's the thought that counts. I laughed at every paragraph, look how happy how you've made me. You have helped me a lot in the healing process, I am feeling free and content. We may have ups and downs in the future but nah, let's chill with our nuggets while jamming to our 5SOS songs. Till then, I'll wait for your reply while you're doing whatever you're doing. 

- because you're one of the good side of things that I received.

Wednesday, 31 January 2018

Forget

09:12:00
Oh, this man gives me facepalms all the time.
He forgets things. He forgets everything that I said, he even forgets that I wear braces although he likes all my pictures on Instagram that smiles broadly, I don't know.

But even so,
this man never forgets to wish me good morning or reply my morning texts
and bid me goodnight before I go to sleep
he never forgets to call back after playing the game on his phone
he never forgets that I am afraid of monsters and ghosts and the dark, he knows
this man never forgets to send me funny videos when I'm cranky
and update me of his whereabout and asked me for mine.

That was when I realize, he isn't perfect,
not at all,
but he completes the perfection,
and that is the thing that I never want to forget.