Bravest Everything

Wednesday 13 May 2020

Poetry

Rizq

Bravest Everything 21:16:00

there is a weapon

that i keep inside my pocket

poked into the strands of my hair bun

folded under my sleeves as i roll them up

it fights with me in every battle

it makes me win

it will,

finally make me win

but the defeats towards the victory

makes me forget about the armour in my hands

the wings that soared me

the miracles that makes me heal

i blamed the Creator after thinking

i was tireless begging for help

to survive

but He gave me the shield for life

going through challenges and surviving

one

“Allah is the gifter of rizq. He tests you, but he also gives you a form of rizq to survive all of it through”

Poetry

Why Do I Still Write

Bravest Everything 21:15:00

It’s insane

the juggle of jargons

the manic grammar & punctuation

because modern day poetry

is all about aesthetics and grunge-ness

the crazy choices of words from

the dictionary that angsty 14-year-old

teenagers would use to “express themselves”

but here i am,

still writing,

it’s addictive.

It’s self-escapism through metaphors.

a damsel in distress,

(sigh, always playing victim)

“the world stops for a while”

when it keeps on moving while i prefer

to be trapped in this non-existent time machine

it’s wishing upon a dry well,

all the fantasies that you won’t get.

but still,

it is comforting.

it does not hug you

nor wipe your tears that fell

on the paper

but it lets you escape into

that insane world whenever you

revisit the page

hallucinating, if you ask me

but at least i know there

is another world that i’m safe to be in.

Poetry

Routine

Bravest Everything 21:14:00

I wake up to the shift of the bedsheet

as my mom scrolls through messages

on her tablet

I open my eyes again,

her blanket is neatly folded

and the sun screams his rays at me

through the peeking curtain

standing straight on top of my roof

oops, it is now 12.

I was about to lie down again but my tummy keeps on bugging my mouth to open and my teeth to chew

so I walked down the stairs and searched for any brunch ideals on the dining table.

I can hear the sewing machine hustling her nine to five day job accompanied by

laughter, arguments and tears

basically,

a K-drama plot.

I came down again when my mom calls for lunch,

finally showered and dressed in my T-shirt and shorts

One plate is enough to doze me again,

this time when I wake up it might by four,

it might be six,

but

the long naps won’t budge my love affair with my sleeping schedule

now that’s what we call loyalty.

Poetry

Rachel's P.O.V.

Bravest Everything 21:14:00

He is never someone else to me.

He is not a foreign soul,

he resides in the neighbourhood of my heart for years

my mother loves him

and he joins every family gathering

We shared the Big Apple;

the sunsets in Manhattan overviewed

by tall, glass skyscrapers.

I never see him any different

from classrooms to ballrooms

first class flights to private jets

intimate drinks at the bar to

lavish family parties

the comparisons are outnumbered

by my long live adoration

Why do everyone has to tell that we are different

the Lion City is not even a lion

and there is nothing wrong with that,

why would our upbringings

and last names matter when

just like any other people

our love is just..

“love”.

Poetry

Lazy Day

Bravest Everything 21:13:00

my head feels very heavy

stacks of pillow cannot

soften it out

random shows on

i watch whatever that

is played

wait...

wasn’t that series has

been aired a few

months back?

man..give back my money.

Poetry

Clingy

Bravest Everything 21:12:00

i hope that you still dance

with my shadow

toe to toe

arms on her hips

forehead bumping into your nose

lips to kiss

please don’t get angry

when she holds your hand through

every step at the empty sidewalk

don’t be too startled when she hugs you

from the back as you were looking

at ancient exhibits in museums

restrain yourself from puking when she baby talks

hold yourself back from getting mad at her when she sulks

you see,

she was left to walk alone so many times

she memorises the trail where she picked up the debris of her heart

she stares off into history and wonder why her melancholic past has to be a part of hers

her skin was never touched with tenderness

her voice was never heard

when you came into her life,

she finally knew the feeling of having company,

and to accompany someone.

I know you don’t like it,

but if you don’t mind me

asking one last favour,

please let her have that one dance.

make her have the last laugh

one touch;

a long, warm hug,

or if you think that is too much, just let her hold your hand tight,

very tight

for one more night.

please let her,

because it is enough for her

to remember

and for me

to live with.

Poetry

H.I.M.

Bravest Everything 21:09:00

how

could

you?

i was between shying away and drowning myself

in the seven seas

concealing invisible bruises that nearly

made me throw stones to

the mirror into shatters

as i cut myself from putting my

heart together

i understand why you had to break mine

because you never had any.

you brought me closer to God

but it was you that i was worshipping

i was on my knees for you in front of Him,

no wonder He would give you

such arrogance

to come with mercy

and never leave

without leaving another scar

on me.

i thought that-

screw my thoughts

when the truth is shoved right my face

the memories that you keep rewinding

just to keep me leashed beside your throne

but

God is more than a capital H.I.M.

just as He gave me the love

and give you the power

He took away the love

hence demolishing all your powers

all that is left is blazing flames

that burns all of you

and

returns back all of me.

Wednesday 22 April 2020

Poetry

When We Meet Again

Bravest Everything 01:20:00

when we meet again

in spring

i hope that flowers will bloom on every step that i take to walk to you

and the wind blows softly whenever you chuckle

i hope it messes your hair

so that i can caress and fix it

i hope it blows a little bit harder

and give chills to your spine

so that i can warm you with my hug

i hope it continues to blow

so that i can hug tighter

and redeem all the weeks

days

and hours

of not being able to

even catch a sight of you

i hope that the streets are crowded

so that the walk becomes longer

so that our fingers will be intertwined

we’ll get to be accompanied by city lights

and my head on your shoulder

during pointless drives around town

but take me further

so that we can pay back all the times

we had to be away from the road

i wish that there is a sale

when we wander around malls

so that i can quickly shut you up with a kiss when you start to lecture on how i don’t need most of the items on display

you never knew that everything with price tags are nothing compared to your worth to me

i wish that i can steal the moments

and i wish that i can kidnap you out of this quarantine.

Poetry

Drown

Bravest Everything 01:19:00

i am asking myself

over and over again while

cringing under the shower

downpour at 1 am

"what did i do wrong?"

replaying like a mixtape

i feel like banging my own head

to the checkered walls so that

I don't have to remember any of

these again.

i am grasping for air

while my own lies drown my

face into a basin of truth

but please,

i plead,

push my head deeper

until my heart sinks

so it doesn't have to feel the pain

as it shatter due to the vows you

never promised.

don't pull my strands of hair to

pull my head

please don't save me,

i beg.

i don't want to rest my temples

at the edge with bloodshot

eyes and dry myself with a towel

and strut out looking just fine.

Please,

leave me.

Notions

New Year’s Eve II

Bravest Everything 01:16:00

I held his face and made it closer to mine. it was one of our rough nights again, after endless cries and pouring hearts out of our ribcages for .. how many times, i don’t even remember.

“This is exactly why I never want to lose you”, he said, while holding my hand.

“Why?”, I asked with a raspy voice, straight out from crying. “What do you mean?”

He held his breath, trying to put his mind into words and finally said,

“You make it so weightless”

I whispered to him, “I want to be your safe haven”

“You have always been”

A trickle of tear fell down his eyes. “Oh god, I broke the record”

I chuckled and kissed his forehead. “I love you”, and wiped his tears.

I remembered asking him in the earlier phase of the conversation. “What are we even holding on to?”, he answered nothing.

As the conversation grew, I realised that the thing that we held onto is only each other. We may have a thousand rough nights but we always held each other at the end, convincing ourselves that we will try, and try, and try, again.

I will try and try and try again for you, Amir Suffian. I always will try and try and try again until we make it. We will make it.

Notions

New Year’s Eve I

Bravest Everything 01:15:00

“whenever you say that i don’t chase you, i don’t want you....it gets me so frustrated because people always say that to me to guilt trip me when they already have the intentions to leave me”

I saw his eyes getting watery when I looked up. “It gets me so frustrated...”

I held his face. “I love you”

I put my forehead near his and my eyes met with his. “I love you, okay? I say the things that I said because that is how I feel and I want you to do something about it. I’m upset of the littlest things because I love you. I love you so much, okay?”

He closed his eyes. “I am doing something for us. I’ll keep wanting you. You are the last person that I text because you are the last person that I wanna talk to before I sleep. You will always be my priority.”

I just held his face for a very long moment and kept comforting him with the “i love you”s that i meant with all my heart. He owns all of them, and as the love grows bigger, this heart will always grow fonder of him, forever.

Monday 30 March 2020

Notions

If The World Was Ending

Bravest Everything 00:08:00

I have been watching and reading scary stuff on the Internet about how things will get worse after the RMO. I have been reading theories on how the pandemic is related to doomsday events and how the end is near. I guess that I am paranoid and easily anxious. Ah, this RMO is killing me on the inside as I cannot distract myself from the overwhelming feelings. I overthink a lot. Like, a LOT lot.

I don't even know the purpose of this post but I feel like writing it down. I have a lot of dreams that I wanted to achieve this year. I have secured my first job that I was supposed to start in April, and In Shaa Allah, fly to Sunderland in September to complete my degree. All plans are progressing much slower than usual, but Alhamdulillah, my boss that I did my internship with asked me to hold on for another month with them until I get to commence on the job that I got. I am grateful for that, at least I have the income to survive for the month before things get back to normal. My application for the University of Sunderland is still in progress, and I hope that I will get the offer letter soon, In Shaa Allah. I am planning to stay in the UK for a year or two until I finish my Masters in Communication and come back to marry the love of my life, Amir Suffian Mohamed Saifuddin. I see myself standing on stage at the Stadium of Light to receive my academic certificates and twirl in the wedding hall as I look into Amir's eyes as both of us wear white.

Those are my dreams; to be an accredited professional and happily married and building my life with the person that I love the most. Ya Allah, I hope that you can give me the chance to do so. I know that this comes off as selfish but Ya Allah, please do not end the world yet until my last breath with my loved ones so that all of us can go peacefully.

Friday 27 March 2020

Notions

Dark Room

Bravest Everything 07:12:00

" I feel like my past is haunting me", I sighed as Amir settled down and lied down on his black leather sofa.

"Why, baby?", he adjusted himself and looked at me attentively. I know that he would have reached my hand if only his arms could travel across phone screens.

I looked down to the floor. I have never felt that, after a year plus of being together, after countless times running and crying into his arms...that it will be hard to tear down the last barrier of your memories that you have kept safe from people for so long to someone, even though that someone means a hell lot to you now. You will always think that he will think badly about you, because he has never met you in such a terrible condition, he has never seen you in such a dim light inside a dark room that you lived in for years before you meet him. You don't know if he will understand, I don't know if Amir would understand.

"You know baby, I remember this one time when I entered an international English test when I was around 13-14 years old. I got highest distinction. Can you imagine?

So, all students that have achieved good results for the test are called up on stage to receive the certification from the principal. When my name was called, I was so happy to get up on stage, but I heard mumbles and whispers at my back as I was walking and I could hear very clearly when someone said,

"Isn't she the one that attempted suicide?"

I was crushed by that phrase. I tried to hustle as much as I can so that people would see me as just, me, but that whisper will always echo in my head. From 13 to 14, to 15, to 17 years old, or now even. It is as if no matter how much that I have achieved, I will never be more than a kid that attempted suicide."

"Baby, look where you are at now", Amir finally spoke after listening to my kind of traumatic experience, finally opening the door to the dark room at the back of my head after so long. "You stood tall from that downfall and you achieved everything that you wanted."

I was anxious. "H-how do you, make peace with your past?"

Amir simply answered briefly. "I moved on, because the people that I may share that past with have moved on long before me."

I have to admit, it was not the answer that I wanted. I wish it was more poetic, it was more convincing. but, that is Amir. 100% frank, blunt, and honest. I guess, that was the answer that I needed.

"Do you... think ill about me?", I asked him, feeling embarrassed of stripping off the last part of my past to him.

"No, sayang. Never.", He looked at me compassionately. That was enough. That gave me enough strength to embark on this super hard journey but I know that I can pass through this, just like the obstacles that I have been through before.

Ah, I wish I can hug him right now. #MCODay10.

Wednesday 13 May 2020

Rizq

Why Do I Still Write

Routine

Rachel's P.O.V.

Lazy Day

Clingy

H.I.M.

Wednesday 22 April 2020

When We Meet Again

Drown

New Year’s Eve II

New Year’s Eve I

Monday 30 March 2020

If The World Was Ending

Friday 27 March 2020

Dark Room

Recent

Random

Owner

Popular Posts

Labels

Blog Archive

Memories