I opened the curtain as wide as I could. The skyscrapers in Johor are like mushrooms- one tower after another, but it has never managed to block the view of the port from my room at the 23rd floor. Oh, no wonder I can see the whole city from here. Getting into the lift to go up seems like a trip to the observer deck at KL Tower, my ears will whistle. It doesn't hurt but I feel so uncomfortable I keep swallowing my saliva continously during the trip to and fro from the lobby to my room. I learnt that trick from a staff at the KL Tower during a primary school trip. Thank you sir, your help is appreciated.

At 11:42pm, I barely see any cars at the port car park. The streets are not busy, but you can still see lines of cars driving in and out of the city. At this age, every place is a Kuala Lumpur. The Earth never sleeps anymore. There will always be people chasing and at least waiting around things, or other people at any hour. However, it has its own welcoming sense that wraps me around its thin air and then sweeps me into the wind. I have always been biased towards cities that are near to the sea, that may be one of its calling, but one thing that I can tell you, the greetings between each city is different. Kuala Terengganu will greet you like a warm elderly; offering you to make yourself at home and stuff you with your favourite food. Well, literally. Hong Kong treats you like a sister that visits her elder sister that lives in the city; one that gives you freedom as she leaves for work. Johor Bahru is absolutely different. It is like a timeless lover that always makes you feel comfortable and scoops off all your burdens at once and helps you to breathe again. You feel calm in his arms and he will make your bed to make sure that you have a goodnight sleep. Eventhough he has lit up the aromatherapy candles, you can't afford to spare a second of closing your eyes from mesmerizing his beauty, his efforts, all about him. Just like how I always leave the curtains open all day and night when my mom's not around since she prefers her privacy, but I prefer his sparkling eyes; the city lights and his simultaneous breathe, like the motions of the sea.

I fall in love so easily. I fall in love with things, places, people. It is not hard to please me, it is just that if you can't, you won't at all. I wonder why, but I think that it is just in my nature, how I was built to have a more emotional-deprived way of thinking. Being emotional deprived is good, it helps me a lot in bringing most of my words and characters to life, but in terms of making life-and-death decisions, dude, I'm a slow sloth and will tend to be more dramatic. That explains why I always make bad decisions in life, but maybe I am lucky that God will always find a way to make it just as right.

I have always thought of settling down in a city near the sea, nevertheless if it's the beach or the port, I can consider Johor Bahru into the list now. It is completely equipped with all the stores that you have in Kuala Lumpur, there is no reason for me to go back to the city anymore. There is a 4Fingers store in Komtar JBCC, like, I don't have any reason to not stay here. Singapore is near too, might be nearer if the currency is lower. Sike.

This is my last night for this Johor Bahru trip, I hope that I can meet with this South-born lover of mine soon!

Xx,
M.

I wonder if you still stop by here from time to time, but I would love to dedicate a song for you while it is still on my mind.

It is Take Care, You, by Dalia Farhana. A song that sings an unspoken letter from me to you.

You know, sometimes I would imagine that I am talking to you in a coffee shop, exchanging stories and laugh about our lives. I wish that we could have the moment together before we lost it all, but who are we to fight fate.

After all the turbulences, he left me. Just like the wind, no closure, no excuses. I have guessed it all along, but not really, he did reply to some of my streaks. Whatever, like it never happened to me.

I started to become more focused and give my all to everything that I do and try everything that I could under my expertise. People say that I achieved so much at this age, but I think I did so little. I am an easily bored person, hence I like new challenges and not afraid to hustle for new stuff everyday. Maybe that’s why I chose what I’ve chosen. It is not about avoiding the grief anymore, it’s about still being the best after it. I may sound like my grandmother but I’m too old to ignore my own feelings you know. The thought comes, I acknowledge that I feel it, and it will brush away by itself. All my tasks have been splendid so far, I hope yours is too.

It’s too early but I’m so sleepy. It’s true, I’m old. Ugh.

Goodnight, I miss you.

Xx,
M.

Dreams, Dreams
Oh, when we are just starting things
Dreams, dreams
Of me and you

I can't remember of the title but I am sure that Lily Allen sang this, and I'm praying that the lyrics are right because the verse struck my head while I am writing this.

Dreams are subjective. Some of us regard us as a night's play and it will be gone as soon as we wake up from our long slumber. Some of us define dreams as our missions and ambitions. I believe in both, because I believe that some of my dreams are more than a night's play. Some of them are repetitive and occur in sagas, and I will search for the meaning of my dreams from different cultural perspectives to capture the message. Ask my friends, they will know how dramatic and surreal my dreams are. Sometimes, I could feel the person's fingertips when tapping me in my dream even after I wake up.

Now, enough of my midnight dreams. Let's move on to the second context of dreams- goals, missions, and ambitions.

My dream is simple. I only dream to settle down in a comfortable state while doing things that I love most- writing and reporting on camera. Oh, not to mention about having a house in a harbour city/ near the beach. The feeling when you look straight at the deep blue sea as you wake up- bliss. My dream seem to be mediocre but you do know how settling down and being comfortable is hard nowadays. Alhamdulillah, I always have a way to get what I want and sometimes I don't know how, but I am lucky. Nonetheless, I do get a fair share of not getting some of my wants, but God always provides me with everything that I need. The people around me is so supportive of my dreams although sometimes it is not the same as their hopes for me, but some of them will always put me first and hope for the best.

Someone told me to not only dream for me, but for other people as well. We need to do things that will benefit not only us but the society as a whole. It aligns with God's purpose of sending us into this world as a khalifah. I understand that, but sometimes I feel that he is using it against me. He uses it to belittle my dream and pushes me to make his dreams come true by asking me to help him in his work. I never mind helping him because I remember the people in my life and their contributions, but I really hate it when I feel some type of way.....the feeling of being used? I don't know.

There are so many questions in my mind regarding this, like, is it wrong if our dreams contradict with each other? I understand his intentions to only provide the best for me and my future, but it goes to the extent that he starts to blame me if something goes wrong, the reason why his dreams are crushed. I can't have a sentimental value in the work that I do because the ideas are all his and my heart isn't there. Instead, my heart is here, writing a blog post for a bunch of friends to read and maybe share the same opinion as mine. I am not in my comfort zone, but this is what I do best. Flowing all my thoughts on an empty, white computer screen.

I felt so lightweight after pouring all my thoughts out. I may not able to get the answer forever but this blog has always been my space and serenity. Thank you for being here too, listening to all my rants and thoughts since forever. Thank you for your support towards this drama queen.

Whatever it is, please don't give up on your dreams. Promise me that, okay?

Xx,
M.