I remembered when I walked into Starbucks with Tassia from the toilet. I saw you looking at me for a good moment while I greet the others at the table, avoiding eye contact. It has been the first time that you looked at me that long since we separated. I don't know why you kept on looking at me, is it because I was so casual with a plain flowy pink blouse and a pair of jogger jeans, not putting much effort on my outfit or is it something else? I don't understand what was going on in your mind, nor the meaning behind your gaze. It was the last paper for our final exams, and you didn't even wait for me in front of the hall. You were the first one to leave the hall, and you didn't even say goodbye before you left for home.

I have always said to myself that I had time to fix and change things before the year ends, but I guess my time is up. I have always think whether it is worth it or not to be the braver one who wanted to fix it although I am no handy man. I am a real life Wreck-It-Ralph, but even Ralph had the compassion to help his friend fix her broken arcade game.

"It depends on how you much you wanted to protect yourself, Leen", that was what Elle said to me when we were stuck in the car while the rain was pouring down the city two nights before. I would be more dissapointed if I were to know that my actions do not change anything rather than feeling the regret of not saying anything at all, because at the end of the day, I did not say anything anyways.

If the long glance that day was meant to be the last before he finally lets go of me, then I think I should take that as a silent closure.

I would save him over and over again,
but this time,
I chose to save myself.

There has been an empty void in my heart, and it means no good. I hate it when I feel empty. If I am sad, even for days, I am more comfortable knowing that I am living, breathing, and are able to feel emotions, but this? I am not sad nor happy, it is...empty and I don't know what to fill it with. It has gone to the extent where I am speechless when I meet God as I hold my hands to pray on the praying mat. I would usually have something to talk about, but I blankly looked down. I have many thoughts running through my head, but flashbacks suddenly are just....a replay of an incident, like a boring movie that you are uninterested of and you ended up sleeping at the cinema. If someone were to ever ask you about your review about it, you would just say, "oh, don't watch it". No emotions attached, no descriptions needed. Wait, every action needs an emotion, a trigger to respond. Oh, this is so much complicated and worse that I thought.

I waved back at my dad from the door as he reserved his car and leave my household. I thought that he would take me out for dinner, but he hastily started his engine and asked me to open the gate. As his car went out of sight, I pulled the door with one hand and locked it with a heavy feeling.

"Haih, kena tinggal lagi".

I used to climb back up to my room as soon as the lights at the living room were switched off, but I became comfortable with the dimness and sat at the edge of the stairs. The heavy feeling was unbearable and cannot be described. I couldn't cry, which means I wasn't actually sad. It was more of an empty and hollow feeling that I couldn't contain.

A lot of the people that I love had left me. The painful part of it is- they are alive and breathing, they can physically be right infront of me, or at any parts of the world, but they are no longer with me. Their connection with me are long gone.

The first, significant loss of mine is the first person that I mentioned at the beginning of my story- my dad. All my life, I personally felt that my mom was the only one contributed in my developments. He was present, alive and breathing, but he is no longer with us as a family. That was what I felt about it. That was why I tried to find the leading man trait and the father figure somewhere else- in my friend's fathers, their older brothers, and significant others. I never felt the sense of security, care and protection from a man, and a father should be his daughter's first love, but I guess that wasn't mine.

I am not making excuses for myself, but I think that is why I have a very different character with my significant other or my remaining loved ones. I may appeal as an independent woman when you start knowing me, but as we click and have a strong relationship with each other, I will switch my personality to be dependent and clingy. I am insecure as well. I have a tendency to question back my significant other everytime he says "I love you", and I can actually overthink when he doesn't say it throughout the day. I am so afraid if he suddenly find a reason to stop loving me and just leave like everybody else. I don't know if this is considered psychotic to some people, but I am telling you straight up that this is what you will deal with me, and on this blank space, I am the most honest.

This level of insecurity may be extreme that I, myself can't find ways to handle it, but I have read this one quote before on Instagram, saying that you will someday find a love that you don't even need to question about. Whenever I meet someone, I always pray that God will let me keep that person in my life. I really hope that day will come soon.

It was 5.45pm, and the traffic is slowly moving, slower than a tortoise. Well, the tortoise did won the running competition with the hare after all, and I was sure that I would finally make a turn before the Sunway toll, just not sure when. Most of the songs on shuffle were R&B and EDM, but it couldn't entertain me. I just wanted to go home and have a warm bath in this drizzling, rainy weather. I kept turning the air conditioner on and off. I guess my body is as confused as my mind too.

My eyes were wandering around the surroundings until my phone stand caught my eye. I rarely use my phone stand because my phone will always topple a few seconds after I put on it. The funny thing about the phone stand was, it comes with a picture of a young, blonde Caucasian woman posing with her black shades.

"Eh, gambar siapa tu?", Tassia pointed her finger towards the phone stand.

"Taktahulah, it comes with the phone stand, I don't know how to take it off", I replied from the front seat while adjusting the air-conditioner. 

"La, I thought it was some celebrity ke apa. Come, let me cabut this for you". Dan took off the case and took out the picture from the phone stand and slide the case back on. He slipped the picture at the holder of the driver's seat.

My fingers started to roam around the holder at the driver's seat to look for the picture amongst the sea of Touch n Go receipts, but failed.

I have always been dependent on Dan. He will drive for me when he's around and walks me to the carpark. Sometimes, he didn't walk me to my car but he would make sure that he gave me a goodbye hug and watch me walk first before he goes up to his room. He completes me more than I complete him, because he has the traits that I have and beyond. I know that I scare him sometimes when I drive so whenever we're together, he would never dare to close his eyes.

"Dah bukak lampu belum?"

"The steering wheel macam beratlah. I'll check for you later"

Basically, Dan did all the men's (and all the things a woman should know too) job for me. That is how I show my affection with a person, by being dependent. I know that I have the utmost capability to do almost everything myself, but the feeling of being taken care of is a good feeling too, you know.

I may have not done much for him, but I would always pay attention to his daily wellbeing. He falls sick easily and tends to get overhyped, especially when playing basketball. I would always ask if he has eaten, or how many hours did he spend to play just to make sure that he didn't tire himself out. I may not ask him every single day, but I would always listen to his remarks when he talks to our friends or anything. I would always tell him to eat, and he would think that I am ridiculous and say, "Of course lah I eat". That is the least that I can do to repay his kindness. Not to mention that he would always defend and protect me on campus too. Whoever that has done something wrong to me will definitely get it, and no one has gotten it so far, but don't try. Just don't.

The moving car stops me from keep walking down the memory lane. I hit the pedal and moved forward. I should do that with life too, keep on moving forward despite the people that I have loved and lost, but I have heard of second chances, is it possible if I were to take a step back, correct my mistakes, and leap three steps forward instead? Is it possible if I were to take a step back and take Dan with me to walk along the pathway? Is it possible if I keep on walking and Dan taps me from behind while panting to chase me and walk with me?

I turned off the engine as I parked the car at the right corner of the porch. I arranged all my stuff to be carried out. My eyes passed through the phone stand again as I opened the door. I stopped for a good few seconds and walked out.

I miss you, Dan.

I have fought. 

I have never expected this to happen to me after all the throw ups that I get after being lovesick. Ceh.

Disclaimer : For maximum emotional effect, read this post while listening to Perahu Kertas by Maudy Ayunda. 

I purposely left the draft that I made two days before my life changed 360 degrees faster than any observation deck at the high towers in the world. I didn't get to continue it due to time constraints, but I am actually glad that I didn't, because I will have more exciting moments for me to write and remember!

An introduction; I met a guy, he is my classmate. I noticed him on the first day of College Study Skills class as we had to group up and he was wearing a Harimau Malaya jersey. I thought that, ah, finally, a Malay guy that won't make me an outskirt! Yay!

He invited me to the group discussion the next evening as we had to plan out our answers for the questions given in class. When he came up to me, the girls at the back were cheering for no reason. Thea hit me at my arm and teased me, "Waah, a date for the start of college!". I think everyone could read my face that time. Chill, woman. It was just a group discussion. 

To be honest, I was glad to be able to sit down on a table with him and some other new classmates. I could listen to his stories, thoughts, opinions, and get to know him better since we were new. He was ambitious and an interesting person with his transparency but that doesn't make him vulnerable either. He is a window to me, you can see what is on the inside but you can't easily get in, you need to open the locks. That is him, I have to find the keys to more of his thoughts.

Oh, another spoiler, he is not a Malay, he is a native Sarawakian, and he is triggered by people stereotyping him as such. It is 2018, you can no longer assume.

I developed some feelings for him but I let it slide because I was still in the phase of getting to know another person too, and I thought that I was just thinking that he is interesting and we could click, not more than that.

Back in April, we celebrated Audra's birthday at the Green Box at The Gardens. As it ended, all of them wanted to go to 1Utama and watch a movie, but I refused since my mom didn't allow me to go that far yet at that time. He went on to take the train with me, and that was the first time we were left alone. Being the curious me that is not afraid to express my thoughts when I am already close to the person, I told him a lot of things and even asked him, "What does a church do? Do you pray there?", such a noob, I know but hey, I asked for permission before asking that.

A semester later, I came in and out of feelings for him because I know that this is going nowhere. After two people that left me, I started to deter my interest in looking for 'the one' because maybe the one is no one. Sounds scary, right? I know, but that was what I feel.

A Monday after class, we went to Rock Cafe because I knew that he wanted to eat satay for two weeks, and it has been long since I eat hawker food. I let him drive because I am so bad at finding parking and driving at crowded streets, and he was a good one. Plus points.

We went with a friend, and as she left two hours later, we talked about many topics; his ambitions of being a lawyer and more. We went to a short silence because we went out of things to say.

"Maleen, Can I ask you a question?", he said to break the air.

I was shocked because we were so close and he doesn't need to ask for my permission to talk about something to me before. I said,"yes?" anyway.

"Do you have anybody particular in mind?"

God, of course I would say no! There was no way that I would tell in his face that I like him!

"Eh, why should I tell you?"

"Because I like you"

My head that was looking away from him straight away looked back. My heart dropped on the floor.  I was speechless.

And....The rest is history.

Kenyalang, I am in love.

Three weeks later and I found this in my draft. I should just publish it....or not?

Good lord, I should just click the orange button.

Done.

Xx,
M.

I personally think that everyone does not get my feelings, or I am the one who is communication disabled because I cannot say it properly eye-to-eye. I am so bad at expressing my emotions physically, hence this blog. The readers here are definitely humans (unless some of you train your cats how to read), but I believe that people do transform themselves when they read instead of listening; when they listen, they become someone else overseeing the situation as how they will see it, but when they read, they will read it as you. They will eventually feel the same way too. 

I opened the curtain as wide as I could. The skyscrapers in Johor are like mushrooms- one tower after another, but it has never managed to block the view of the port from my room at the 23rd floor. Oh, no wonder I can see the whole city from here. Getting into the lift to go up seems like a trip to the observer deck at KL Tower, my ears will whistle. It doesn't hurt but I feel so uncomfortable I keep swallowing my saliva continously during the trip to and fro from the lobby to my room. I learnt that trick from a staff at the KL Tower during a primary school trip. Thank you sir, your help is appreciated.

At 11:42pm, I barely see any cars at the port car park. The streets are not busy, but you can still see lines of cars driving in and out of the city. At this age, every place is a Kuala Lumpur. The Earth never sleeps anymore. There will always be people chasing and at least waiting around things, or other people at any hour. However, it has its own welcoming sense that wraps me around its thin air and then sweeps me into the wind. I have always been biased towards cities that are near to the sea, that may be one of its calling, but one thing that I can tell you, the greetings between each city is different. Kuala Terengganu will greet you like a warm elderly; offering you to make yourself at home and stuff you with your favourite food. Well, literally. Hong Kong treats you like a sister that visits her elder sister that lives in the city; one that gives you freedom as she leaves for work. Johor Bahru is absolutely different. It is like a timeless lover that always makes you feel comfortable and scoops off all your burdens at once and helps you to breathe again. You feel calm in his arms and he will make your bed to make sure that you have a goodnight sleep. Eventhough he has lit up the aromatherapy candles, you can't afford to spare a second of closing your eyes from mesmerizing his beauty, his efforts, all about him. Just like how I always leave the curtains open all day and night when my mom's not around since she prefers her privacy, but I prefer his sparkling eyes; the city lights and his simultaneous breathe, like the motions of the sea.

I fall in love so easily. I fall in love with things, places, people. It is not hard to please me, it is just that if you can't, you won't at all. I wonder why, but I think that it is just in my nature, how I was built to have a more emotional-deprived way of thinking. Being emotional deprived is good, it helps me a lot in bringing most of my words and characters to life, but in terms of making life-and-death decisions, dude, I'm a slow sloth and will tend to be more dramatic. That explains why I always make bad decisions in life, but maybe I am lucky that God will always find a way to make it just as right.

I have always thought of settling down in a city near the sea, nevertheless if it's the beach or the port, I can consider Johor Bahru into the list now. It is completely equipped with all the stores that you have in Kuala Lumpur, there is no reason for me to go back to the city anymore. There is a 4Fingers store in Komtar JBCC, like, I don't have any reason to not stay here. Singapore is near too, might be nearer if the currency is lower. Sike.

This is my last night for this Johor Bahru trip, I hope that I can meet with this South-born lover of mine soon!

Xx,
M.

I wonder if you still stop by here from time to time, but I would love to dedicate a song for you while it is still on my mind.

It is Take Care, You, by Dalia Farhana. A song that sings an unspoken letter from me to you.

You know, sometimes I would imagine that I am talking to you in a coffee shop, exchanging stories and laugh about our lives. I wish that we could have the moment together before we lost it all, but who are we to fight fate.

After all the turbulences, he left me. Just like the wind, no closure, no excuses. I have guessed it all along, but not really, he did reply to some of my streaks. Whatever, like it never happened to me.

I started to become more focused and give my all to everything that I do and try everything that I could under my expertise. People say that I achieved so much at this age, but I think I did so little. I am an easily bored person, hence I like new challenges and not afraid to hustle for new stuff everyday. Maybe that’s why I chose what I’ve chosen. It is not about avoiding the grief anymore, it’s about still being the best after it. I may sound like my grandmother but I’m too old to ignore my own feelings you know. The thought comes, I acknowledge that I feel it, and it will brush away by itself. All my tasks have been splendid so far, I hope yours is too.

It’s too early but I’m so sleepy. It’s true, I’m old. Ugh.

Goodnight, I miss you.

Xx,
M.

Dreams, Dreams
Oh, when we are just starting things
Dreams, dreams
Of me and you

I can't remember of the title but I am sure that Lily Allen sang this, and I'm praying that the lyrics are right because the verse struck my head while I am writing this.

Dreams are subjective. Some of us regard us as a night's play and it will be gone as soon as we wake up from our long slumber. Some of us define dreams as our missions and ambitions. I believe in both, because I believe that some of my dreams are more than a night's play. Some of them are repetitive and occur in sagas, and I will search for the meaning of my dreams from different cultural perspectives to capture the message. Ask my friends, they will know how dramatic and surreal my dreams are. Sometimes, I could feel the person's fingertips when tapping me in my dream even after I wake up.

Now, enough of my midnight dreams. Let's move on to the second context of dreams- goals, missions, and ambitions.

My dream is simple. I only dream to settle down in a comfortable state while doing things that I love most- writing and reporting on camera. Oh, not to mention about having a house in a harbour city/ near the beach. The feeling when you look straight at the deep blue sea as you wake up- bliss. My dream seem to be mediocre but you do know how settling down and being comfortable is hard nowadays. Alhamdulillah, I always have a way to get what I want and sometimes I don't know how, but I am lucky. Nonetheless, I do get a fair share of not getting some of my wants, but God always provides me with everything that I need. The people around me is so supportive of my dreams although sometimes it is not the same as their hopes for me, but some of them will always put me first and hope for the best.

Someone told me to not only dream for me, but for other people as well. We need to do things that will benefit not only us but the society as a whole. It aligns with God's purpose of sending us into this world as a khalifah. I understand that, but sometimes I feel that he is using it against me. He uses it to belittle my dream and pushes me to make his dreams come true by asking me to help him in his work. I never mind helping him because I remember the people in my life and their contributions, but I really hate it when I feel some type of way.....the feeling of being used? I don't know.

There are so many questions in my mind regarding this, like, is it wrong if our dreams contradict with each other? I understand his intentions to only provide the best for me and my future, but it goes to the extent that he starts to blame me if something goes wrong, the reason why his dreams are crushed. I can't have a sentimental value in the work that I do because the ideas are all his and my heart isn't there. Instead, my heart is here, writing a blog post for a bunch of friends to read and maybe share the same opinion as mine. I am not in my comfort zone, but this is what I do best. Flowing all my thoughts on an empty, white computer screen.

I felt so lightweight after pouring all my thoughts out. I may not able to get the answer forever but this blog has always been my space and serenity. Thank you for being here too, listening to all my rants and thoughts since forever. Thank you for your support towards this drama queen.

Whatever it is, please don't give up on your dreams. Promise me that, okay?

Xx,
M.

My guts are right.
It's always right.

Dissapointment after dissapointment has shattered my self-esteem and heighten my doubts. The question, "where did I go wrong?" has been orbiting and muddling up my mind, finding relevant answers on the failures of my relationships with people. My friends always tell me, "It's not you, it's him". Is it still 'him' after failing twice, and 'him' are now a reference of two different people?

I can't help blaming myself, maybe I wasn't paying attention when he did. I was too caught up reminiscing my past love while he was trying to build memories with me. I always find sights of the someone else inside him; his words and his actions. He tried, maybe he tried, but when it came to my realisation, when I stepped in the battle with him, he felt defeated and gave up.

He started to leave after our biggest fight, and believe me, I never stop fighting for him. I felt that he didn't too, I acknowledged his effort of rekindling our relationship as two people that has shared a portion of our lives together.

                         "Will there be a day that I will not receive a goodnight wish from you?"

                                 "As long as I remember you, I won't stop doing that."

He became very distant ever since we parted ways. It's a part of our responsibilities, we have dreams to catch. Me being on camera, him and his white labcoat. He rarely wishes me anymore, but eventually he will in a week or two. He rarely replies to my chats anymore, he said that he was busy. I convinced myself that I shouldn't overthink and become more understanding of his situation. I give him the time that he needs, long enough for him to find a new spark.

I have expected this plot twist to happen that it becomes so mediocre. She is physically there for him to meet 24/7 while I am far. He is always in denial when I ask him about her. I wish he understands that it will not be any less painful to hide the truth from me and let me find out myself than telling me himself. As mediocre as it gets, my heart still aches the same. I tried to bring our gap closer and tried to be his backbone when he needs support, to become his defense when he breaks down, but I guess that isn't enough. Oh, when will I ever be enough for anybody?

People will always tell me rumours about him to me, and saying that I am too optimistic about him. i never hate him, I never hate anyone, but what if they are true? What if all my defense statements about him above is solely to convince myself and drawing a better picture about him? What if he doesn't even try at all? What if he doesn't care?

-what if he doesn't feel anything at all?

People say that you need to fight for your love, but when it involves another individual, another girl, I will immediately step out. As hard as it gets, as painful as it gets, this isn't a race. I have always hold onto a principle that states, "when he loves you, you never need to be a choice because he has chosen you". It is indeed painful to swallow the truth, but we have known how this story goes. I will never compete with anyone for love, because it is not a competition. Love is yours when it is meant to be yours.

-maybe this love, again, is not meant to be mine.

I'm tired thinking on what is lacking in me. I'm tired thinking why I'm never enough for anybody.

-I'm too tired :(

Xx,
M.

I really wanted to talk about this on camera but I don't know when is the right time, and how to exactly do it. Everyone knows that I can be brutally honest with myself, raw and uncovered at this blank page more than on Instagram Stories.

I may appeal as someone who is brave, confident, and happy-go-lucky to people, but that doesn't mean that I don't have insecurities. No, I'm not talking about my face. I never wear make-up because I am insecure with my face. I'm not altering anything. I regard make-up as a creative activity and a way for me to feel confident and good about myself. So..tettt. Your guess is wrong. This insecurity that I'm talking about is the flaw that no one can see except for myself, and to me, it's more painful.

I have always panicked about my life about everything; why on earth don't I have a boyfriend yet when everybody else in my circle has one, why am I not working yet when everybody else's making money while studying, why haven't I publish my first book yet, why this, why that. I have always thought that at 18 years old, I am actually quite slow. I used to think that I'm still young and I still have a long way to go, but there are a lot of people who achieved more than I did at my age. At first, it became a motivation, after that it became a pressure. I mean, I have only six years left before I get married. Ok, hang on there, six years is a long way to go, but, I wake up and now it's August. Six years maybe like six sleeps away, and I haven't found my groom, nor the money for a grand wedding. Dramatic and lunatic, I know, but, oh my god. *sleeps anyway for the sake of killing the thoughts* *wakes up the next day and it's already next year* *hello*

Oh, I haven't been talking to all of you for quite some time now since I'm always talking to one particular person and ignoring everyone else. I'm sorry for neglecting 14 up to 60 people of you who stopped by to read my shenanigans and rants, or simply just want to kepoci around like I always do with some of you as well hehe. #kepoci4lyfe

Let's talk!

I have just finished my final examinations last Thursday and attended my first recording for a uni ad, which is actually my first job and got paid decently, no, more than enough for just talking for about 5 minutes. I suddenly feel like doing showbiz seriously now since I really love the creative industry, let's look out for more opportunities, In Shaa Allah. I'm so proud of myself I'm not going to spend my first cheque on anything, I might even frame it! I cannot express how happy I am to earn something by myself because I have never worked, well, I do, like submitting stuff and such, but I never got rewarded for it. Ah guys, I know I am overreacting but sheesh, let me have my moment pleaseeeeee.

I have an upcoming project that still needs loads of revision, but I'll tell you guys all about it later. I'm just helping with the writing....which reminds me that I need to finish it up soon but........it has been long since I don't procrastinate so...... *reaches for the pillow and sleeps*

Done with my life updates, let's get personal.

All of my friends know that I dream a lot of dreams, and some of them can be a film, some of them can be an inspiration for my stories. My dreams can go from nonsense to seriously, brutally, drop-dead real.

I have been dreaming about someone that I never met. He was never my type of man; shoulder-length hair, looks quite messy, and wears what Shawn Mendes always wears- a T-shirt underneath his unbuttoned shirt, what do you call it? Whatever. He looks like a miserable student. Nonetheless, he was a good man and likes to take me for rides and meet up with his family. I remembered in one dream, he showed me a video of him surprising me during my birthday.

I dreamed about him twice but in long intervals. I remembered that I dreamed about him again after 3 months when I forgot about him. In that dream, I was in his car and I said immediately, "Eh, bukan ke kita pernah pergi tempat ni?". Psychic, I know. I'm impressed with myself too. How can I think critically in dreams but not in real life?

To make things more complicated, I was scrolling through Instagram and found a picture of a man that I don't know. He was a student in a university close to mine, and what drawed me to look at his picture was his pose infront of the university court. Fair enough, I closed the tab and slept. However, my head started to actively think. Shoulder length hair, quite the same features.......could it be....

HIM?

I freaked out and looked at his picture again. Is it him? Is it really him? I asked around my friends if they know him. They asked me to stay away from him because apparently, he's..a James Dean in Rebels. A bad boy, as how they address it. Oh, wow. God must be having a flip in my stories. How can I fall in love with someone that doesn't cut his hair, looks messy, a bad boy some more. I always go for the good ones, although well, they break my heart but, they are good boys.

I don't know how fate is going to take a toll on me, and maybe it's not him, but let's just wait for the next episode of this Akasia drama slot of mine.

Xx,
M.

I was skipping my Spotify playlist and it came across Lauv's 'Never Not'. I decided to drop by while I still think about you, in case if you are still here, reading my feed. It must be nice, having someone to write about you and compiling all the thoughts of that person towards you for you to read until the end of a lifetime. I am not throwing shades, I'm being drop-dead serious. I have always wanted paragraphs or letters written to me or about me too, I always wanted to know how I appeal to people or make people feel or how I change his life. Wait, why am I saying all of these things to you? Yes, you pay attention to what I say. Used to, I believe.

It has been a few weeks after the confrontation, and I haven't heard from you ever since. How are you? It seems that the new place is good for you and not as scary as what it seems, right? I know that you will blend well.

I know that this is a very short post but I'm just checking in to check up on you a little while. Stay safe!

Xx,
M.

                               "Dear, I'm having a meeting on Monday. Come and join us"
I literally left the text on read and threw it to the back of my pillow. My week has been messed up and so did my brain. I didn't have the energy to even wake up. Besides, it was usual for Cikgu to take me to his meetings to come and nod when they were discussing things that I wasn't involved in. Well, I actually do eavesdrop their discussions although my eyes were stuck on the laptop/phone/book, I eventually learn something. As a person that doesn't like to be left hanging, I replied a few hours later after I felt soberer. "What is it about? It's not an order, right?"

He has been contacting for awhile, trying to engage conversations. I didn't know what he wanted after six months, I had nothing left to offer. I was worn out and messed up. He kept throwing back and reminiscing about our past, and I didn't know what he was trying to say. I kept replying to his texts as usual, but not as chatty and chirpy as before, I noticed that. His presence was so sudden in my life, but he has been a crashing wave; coming and leaving without warning.