Saturday, 27 May 2017

Deeper Conversation

"Is your favourite colour blue
Do you always tell the truth
Do you believe in outer space
And now I'm learning you"

I took a leap of faith to text you that day because I do talk to you but we always let the dialogues hanging, so I pushed the grey flag emoji.
' I want to know you better'

"What do you want to know?", you asked.

It was a tricky question because I wanted to know everything about you, but I was afraid that I will make you uncomfortable. I was afraid that my big mouth will make you shut yourself out from me. I was afraid that I will be too chatty that will make you feel annoyed. Finally, I settled down with this :

"What is your music preference?"

Lame, I know. Thank God I didn't ask for your full name instead.

You told me you have universal eargasm that you hear to everything according to your mood.  We found out our first difference when I said that I hear to club music when I break down but you choose to hear ballads to calm you, but ballads will only add misery to my sorrows
- and that was not the only one that we found out about ourselves.
Your spirit animal is a tiger because you are amazed with fast animals, while mine is a lazy koala that sleeps for 23 hours. We shared our personal wisdoms in life, the issues in our country, our dilemmas and shits that keep holding us back. It was sad to see such a gem like you give up with the world so I tried to shine some light, but I was afraid if it was too bright. But you told me you like to hear uplifting words from people so I kept going on.
Apparently, we heard the exact same concept of giving from two different people and it amazed us on how God works in miraculous ways. You asked to me spill how I ended up here talking to you, so I had to burst all the cheeky moments, and actually, I lied. Your voice was not the only information that I had about you. You turned your back. So that marks the start of my quest to find you. The rest was purely true.

We only took a couple of hours to escalate from acquaitances to friends, I am glad that I found someone that can accept and exchange my wildest opinions. You always have something to say about everything, and it fascinates me. I definitely settle with agreements but I love different ideas. I also slept well for the opportunity to be closer to you, even binded by technology, but whatever that is happening in your life, my heart conveys to you.

"Thank you for lending me your ears", you said, as I became sleepy and started to tuck into bed.

"I never mind for more rounds of sessions like this"
- I want to learn more about, and from you.

Friday, 26 May 2017


my midnight thoughts broaden its arms to cradle your 
effortless fragile heart
people see you blindly with their naked eyes
but you are spiritually a warrior
walking bared feet into the hollow woods
they claim the lion as king
but you are the emperor
all hail to the vined thoughts
and bizzared illusions
that i ought to drown into.

my table lamp shines upon you;
a modern lantern that i light up
in this dark bedroom
hoping that the stars outside will notice
and align into constellations for you
to read 
and find your way back home.
you are not good with bearings
but i hope that you do get the idea
from the strength of the magnetic
field that my silent prayers convey

wherever you stopped today,
sleep with a blanket of trust
and feel the warmth of love,
my love.

come home fast
my brave explorer,
let's go on a new trip

Saturday, 20 May 2017

Lessons Before My 17th Birthday

Approximately 20 minutes before my 17th birthday, I am lying on my two single beds that I pushed them together to become queen sized, lazily let Pepe the penguin that Ell gave me to support my head while writing this. This year, I have been sending threads to my favourite people of the things that I am grateful for having them in my life, and I do want to do the same for myself as well but I can't find any in this oversized figure yet. Thus, I think I'll just list out what I have learnt prior to the day that I'll turn 17.

1. Don't expect that you'll get back what you give, but then, God has promised that He will reward you for your patience and good deeds, for He, is the richest of them all. Therefore, you will still get back the price for everything that you give, but in different miraculous ways that none of us can expect. And He, knows best.
2. Personally, I think the reason why I don't have a lover/not interested in puppy loves with no guarantee/haven't find the right one is because God wants me to spend more time with my loved ones. I do everything with them more than anyone else in the world, but sometimes I took the moments for granted. I'll always let time swing by like another passerby when I'm with them, and I hope that I still have more chances to repay all the time that I have wasted.
3. I always forget that as I am eager to grow up to finally soar my wings and live my own life, my loved ones are getting older too. It is heartbreaking to see hints of wrinkles on Ma, Ba, and Cikgu's skin whenever I see them. They won't tell me directly to my face on what they feel, but I just know they're all afraid of me leaving them. Some days, I miss them a little too much as well and yes, I don't say it out loud either. I pray to God everyday so that I will be given the golden opportunity to repay their kindness for raising me up with their strength and knowledge and be able to make them smile. J
4. You don't need a lot of friends to be happy. I am serious. To be frank, I do purposely keep my circle of friends small because I would handpick the people that will stay by my side as I would do for them. It is toxic to have backstabbing friendships, been there done that. For years living and knowing them, I can confidently say that my friends are all keepers.
5. Do what you want to do whole-heartedly. Boost your potential and give 100% to it. Build your base, build your name, earn your fame. There's no flights to the top so hike the mountain. Journalism is my game, and there's no way I'll back out from it. Ever.
6. Success requires commitments, success requires failures.
7. When you feel down, play some music. When you feel happy, play some music. When you feel angry, play some music. Immense in those feelings that blends with the lyrics and all of the pain will go away.
8. Always be grateful for the things and the people around you. Appreciate their presence. Show that you care.
9. God is the best listener as He is nearer to you than your own nerves, thus pray to him. He knows everything but tell him all. Ask for His guidance, for He can give you the light to show your way back home.
10. Some people may not talk to you anymore for no solid reason as longts as you can remember. Just think that it is just life taking its course. I learnt this from a Tumblr post for someone and I am glad I read it.the
11. Don't rush into things, take your own pace to get there.
12. The only important root to live a happy life is love. Cherish, accept and spread love. Your worries will be clouded.
13. The thing about love at this age is that, it is full of uncertainties and reasons. I, myself too still cannot differenciate between admiration and love. One minute you like a person, one minute you feel you're a piece of garbage because they, and all boys in the world don't notice your existence, one minute you'll sink in those depressions and one minute, you're floating back up, living your life and don't even remember why you fell for that person in the first place. It is foolish, I know. I have never been much of a dating person but I think at this age, it is time for me to back out and don't love someone unless it is solely love.
14. Don't let little things ruin your long-built relationship with someone. Yes, I am very upset if my loved ones don't remember my birthday or don't come to my events or just be there for me, but there is always a spot in my heart when I look at them, I'll feel like pulling their arm, "Aw, come here" and hug them tight. The fight is useless. The fight is meaningless. At the end, all that you got is each other after all.

Tuesday, 9 May 2017

Chocolate Cereal

I stirred a bowl of chocolate cereal
added some water, poured more powder
ate a mouthful by myself
then I remembered how you used to share.

I would always swing by your meal times
when I heard the can was open
I would drop all my toys and
faithfully wait beside you at
the dining table.
Grandpa arrived with
your blue embroidered bowl
and red plastic cup,
shoved the spoon towards you
but he noticed his little angel
opened her mouth wide too.

an aeroplane with a zigzag route
his arm became
tirelessly filling two empty stomaches
while watching 3pm cartoons on TV.

that is not all.
squishing each other on a seat on
your wheelchair during exhausting
zoo outings
your mattress where sometimes
I laid to rest while you're at school
your cranes and tractors that became
my possession due to Bob The Builder

even when I'm on my worst moods
and you had to endure the smacks
you would cheerfully smile,
because there is no other
beautiful words that you can convey
and I'm glad you don't have to know
any other syllable.

Grandpa doesn't make those cereals
and there is no one staring behind the
metal locks waiting for a new guest
nor the jingles of the keys as you drag
them along around the house

i kept on stirring the chocolate cereal
and ate mouthfuls
as it is the only bridge of memories
that I have
with my Paksu.

Your cheer and smile will always bless my journey.