I remembered when I walked into Starbucks with Tassia from the toilet. I saw you looking at me for a good moment while I greet the others at the table, avoiding eye contact. It has been the first time that you looked at me that long since we separated. I don't know why you kept on looking at me, is it because I was so casual with a plain flowy pink blouse and a pair of jogger jeans, not putting much effort on my outfit or is it something else? I don't understand what was going on in your mind, nor the meaning behind your gaze. It was the last paper for our final exams, and you didn't even wait for me in front of the hall. You were the first one to leave the hall, and you didn't even say goodbye before you left for home.
I have always said to myself that I had time to fix and change things before the year ends, but I guess my time is up. I have always think whether it is worth it or not to be the braver one who wanted to fix it although I am no handy man. I am a real life Wreck-It-Ralph, but even Ralph had the compassion to help his friend fix her broken arcade game.
"It depends on how you much you wanted to protect yourself, Leen", that was what Elle said to me when we were stuck in the car while the rain was pouring down the city two nights before. I would be more dissapointed if I were to know that my actions do not change anything rather than feeling the regret of not saying anything at all, because at the end of the day, I did not say anything anyways.
If the long glance that day was meant to be the last before he finally lets go of me, then I think I should take that as a silent closure.
I would save him over and over again,
but this time,
I chose to save myself.
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