"Maleen, you still up?"
After a long, long, time, I say.
"Yeah, why?"
He sent me a picture of him watching The Fault In Our Stars on a laptop.
"I was watching this and it reminds me of you."
"Did you finish reading the book?"
"Yeah, that's why I'm watching the movie now. Aaaand, you would always say 'maybe "okay" will be our always' since we always end our conversation like that. I just realised that it was part of script!"
It was awkward for me for him to actually do these throwbacks because I don't know a proper way to react to it.
"Glad to know that you still remember me, S"
"No, thank you for existing, Maleen :") "
I told Amir about it because I need the gushing memories to stop. He said, "I guess we do mean something at least to someone after all. Even if things didn’t end up like how we wanted to"
"But I never thought that he would remember."
"The thing about emotions is, we kinda always do remember them. Kinda. Because in some cases, the memory is a bit fuzzy probably because the emotions are too overwhelming to the point that our brain just suppressed that memory so we only get fragments of it. But genuine and honest emotions, we always remembered them. "
Here is the thing about Amir. He tends to try his best to put his feet in my shoes and have a genuine conversation about life and its weird whereabouts. I am grateful to have him. However, from the text, it is an obvious sign that the feelings I felt in the past still remain fresh and locked both in my mind and heart. The interaction may be strictly plutonic, but I couldn't help myself from overthink and stop the feelings flow, and I was being unfair towards my kind and patient partner. Before S could pop up in the notifications bar with another reply, I quickly texted Amir,
"I feel sleepy. Can we sleep now, please, love?"
I shed a tear or two before dozing off last night, but turning back is never an option, because forever's not our thing anyway.
Xx,
M.
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