The Guilt

 We were talking about distance. I told you about my perspective on distance which it has only two outcomes; either it will make us being further and drift apart from each other until it ends by itself or the feeling grows stronger that makes us realize that we do need each other so much in our lives and we will hold on until we see each other again. Twelve days of being away from you have changed me. I have never felt so reluctant of being apart from someone. I have thought about this a lot in the long duration, and I know that it is the second option with you. Good night texts have never been so important for me, nor good morning wishes either. What kind of magic have you been using? You have changed me-no, you have completed me.

                         " That's why we need to trust each other and talk no lies"

Gulp. Your words caught me at my throat and froze my fingers. I don't know any kind of heartwarming words to type anymore. I coaxed myself. I didn't lie to you. I never did. I swear to God, I have never lied to you. It was just that, there are some not-so-big-but-not-so-little-information-that-I-purposely-leave-out-because-I-don't-want-to-ruin-us-but-now-I-feel-guilty-as-hell because you are a nice person and you mean the world to me. I knew exactly the person that I should call for the emergency before I drown us down.

                                   "Just ask him directly. Don't swirl your words, just shoot it"

After rehearsing a few sentences with Elle so that I won't mess this up, I literally copied what I rehearsed from Telegram to WhatsApp and sent all of it him.

                            "You, I don't know if we're in a state of comfort to tell each other everything but I will ask you once and I won't ask you this again."

                          "Do you still love her?"

My heart leaped out of my body when I sent those. I was like, God, please don't let this go wrong. I don't want this to end so soon. God, help me. God, please, it's Syawal, don't let be Airmata Syawal for me please.

                     "Who?"

             "I think you know who I mean"

                   "Eh seriously I tak tahu ni"

MasyaAllah brother are you serious? Is he playing games with me or he really doesn't know what I'm talking about, or specifically who I'm talking about? I really wanted to avoid saying her name in this case to avoid any throwbacks or anything. I just wanted assurance. An answer. 

I had to, and believe it or not, he was cool about it. I don't know if he was hiding it beneath him, but he was always cool when he talks to me about everything in the world. It was a 50/50 answer, but I was relieved. Phew. 

We escalated in talking about other things and asking each other on what other things that we wanted to know, so I answered him, honestly and truthfully. It was going well as usual, as open as we used to be until-

He quoted my golden question above and asked, " Kenapa you tanya I soalan ni?"

Gulp. My heart didn't just leaped out. My heart literally crashed my ribcage with a F1 racing car, tore my skin, broke its ties with the veins and exited out of my body. Oh God. Sometimes why it is so easy for people to dig things out of me. 

                            "Oh, I'm just curious", I was shivering when I typed those.

                          "Oh okayy"

I am not lying, but there are some not-so-big-but-not-so-little-information-that-I-purposely-leave-out-because-I-don't-want-to-ruin-us-but-now-I-feel-guilty-as-hell.

Because you mean the world to me, that's why. And I'm afraid that it may ruin us. That has been my ultimate fear.

Let's just enjoy the fireworks while it lasts, but they can never outshine you.