Difficult

It has been a difficult phase for me. As selfish as it sounds, please, let me talk about me without thinking about anybody else.

I had many things toppling on my head and the only thing that I wanted to do was to run at the nearest public phone and dial his number, or anyone's number, and at least, hear his brief giggle when he picks up the call. It manages to make me calm everytime. But, conceding to the painful fact that he won't be there at the end of the line, there I was, sleeping away and waking up with my parts torn apart each day. It was always the same game, he's available but i'm at school, or i'm free but he needs to attend a class next morning. He wasn't the observant man that he used to be because I was the first one to realise that-

we are drifting apart.

it was time, it was us, i don't know. i don't know how does he feels about this, or how i feel about this, i am not a mind reader. oh how i wish i can just forget all this complicated shit and go back to square one, the naiive, old me that does not the meaning of all this unbreakable threads of emotions that she has to digest and interprete. life would be easier, simpler and empty as it used to be,

but he splashed colours to the faded walls and squeezed in velvet furniture to fill in the spaces. he made the new cool in me. how am i supposed to give that all up?

I saw his efforts in making time for a conversation, but then, i also see that he couldn't let go of his dear, hurtful memories just yet. from there, i realised another important fact;
i am facing a difficult man.

Difficult is not a word can be used to summarise an adjective. It is not even an adjective that can be applied to a person. Difficult people, in my straight POV, are just confused people. They are looking for many things beneath what is in front of them; their wants and needs, their priorities, and even themselves. I am a difficult person myself, that is why i only allow a very small circle of people to study and understand me, and also the only ones that i can rely on. But, for this case of us, I have to be strong.

The triumph of handling difficult people is not measured by how much he has drastically changed after a few months meeting you and such, it is how you can keep up and help him stand when he falls down during the process. Mind you, this is not a contest. This is not a competition on how to change people.

despite all the negative feelings that i am feeling for the time being, i'm struggling to be there through thick and thin. I used to rush into things, but i will try to let him take his time. i'll vow to myself to be more tolerant and understanding. all that he needs is support, and i have promised to do so.

I'm sorry that I have to say it here because I don't know how to tell you this personally because I am never the type of person that are courageous enough to say what I want to say, but just so you know that I'll always be there for you. All the time.