I may appeal as someone who is brave, confident, and happy-go-lucky to people, but that doesn't mean that I don't have insecurities. No, I'm not talking about my face. I never wear make-up because I am insecure with my face. I'm not altering anything. I regard make-up as a creative activity and a way for me to feel confident and good about myself. So..tettt. Your guess is wrong. This insecurity that I'm talking about is the flaw that no one can see except for myself, and to me, it's more painful.
"Maleen, scars are memories. There's always a story when you look at them"
After the surgery, I have two visible scars; one straight line at my left hip and one swollen, purple scar that forms like a hashtag symbol somewhere between my stomach and my right hip. The sizes for both of the scars are moderate, but they are way bigger than my other scars because the slits that I get are usually sooooo tiny that you can't see it and know it's there unless you feel a bump at my skin if you touch it. Nobody has seen it before other than my mom and my grandmother, and there's no way you can ever see it unless you're my husband. (Does the concealer work for scars too?)
I acknowledge my scars and appreciate their existence because they are symbols that I am stronger than I think whenever I have a breakdown, but I cannot shoo the alienating feeling when I take my showers, changing outfits at the fitting room or facing the mirror as I put on my clothes everyday. The scars are so foreign to me- their purple patches with my nude skin don't seem to match. It feels like an everyday struggle to look myself in the mirror and not feel slightly worried or worse, disguisted on my bad days.
I know that no one can ever see these scars under my shirt, but I always have the fear of people that will have to see it. For example, if I were to have an outfit fitting, the tailor/designer will usually come in with me. The doctor can also see the scars during regular check-ups. Ah, there are so many possibilities running through my head about it. I can not escape from the thoughts. I know that some of you may think that this is not a big deal, but everyone has their own dark sides that they need to face, and this is mine.
The existence of the scars may be a milestone for me to learn to love myself in any form, not just the beautiful, full-face, on camera, but also the bare, real self of me, not only my face, but my whole self, inside and out.
Thank you for chilling and listen to me until the end, and I do actually hope that my story today can help you, yourself to start accepting every inch of you- flawed and unflawed, one-piece of you, and start a new beginning together. This journey of mine has taught me that we don't need to forget nor fight our insecurities; sometimes it can be a good reminder to bring you back down to earth, but we need to take it as an identity; as a part of who we are, of what makes us, us.
As a motivation, do you mind sharing me your stories and how did you overcome it?
Xx,
M.
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