Me and The Memories

I personally think that everyone does not get my feelings, or I am the one who is communication disabled because I cannot say it properly eye-to-eye. I am so bad at expressing my emotions physically, hence this blog. The readers here are definitely humans (unless some of you train your cats how to read), but I believe that people do transform themselves when they read instead of listening; when they listen, they become someone else overseeing the situation as how they will see it, but when they read, they will read it as you. They will eventually feel the same way too. 

I say this so many times. I suck. My life sucks. My mom just thinks that I'm whining but I just felt incapable to do something for sake of my own self. I wanted to do more for myself, or at least take charge of the situations, but I can't. It's frustrating sometimes, and there is nothing else that I can do other than whine. You see, it is very hard when someone is dominating your life; financially and emotionally. You have to put your life on the line every single day and count days till something bad comes into the way and everything vanishes. There is no security in the life of mine. People will tend to be very bossy and arrogant when they have the money, and they give you the money. They feel like the power is in their hands and they can treat you like a dog, shoo you away whenever they want. 

If any of you were to question me on why I don't start a business etc, it is this; I can't afford to take risks. I understand what Mark Zuckerberg meant from his graduation speech that you are not afraid to fail when you have stability, like a cushion on your back. Whatever that I have now, will be gone in anytime and my bare savings is the only thing left for me to survive, and I can't risk of losing it. Call me a coward, but I have a mouth to feed and an education to pursue. I promised myself to graduate no matter what and no matter how, so at least I have a base for me to continue doing just that.

After the distressing divorce six years ago, my dad got married and lives with his stepchildren, and my mom is dating someone for a month now and planning to get hitched soon. To be honest, I felt really bad for myself because I'm the only one who is not moving on from this phase of my life. After the separation of our family, I feel like I'm not progressing. Both of them already has a life to live, I mean, me too, but which part of their lives do I belong now? My dad comes to see me occasionally but he has dissapeared from my closed ones since I was a kid, I didn't feel it that much. But my mom? She is one the closest person to me in the family, she is the only person that I got to call my own other my extension family. I am attached to her, I will feel the lost more. Heck, I have started to feel that I'm losing her already. But, it is not her fault anyway, I mean, everyone has to move on, right? You fall out of love, you fall in love again. 

I suck. My life sucks. I will definitely miss my mom, but at the end of day, it is just me and the memories.