Questions

I know this is weird because I never directly dedicate any of my notions to you, but-

Remember when I always tell you that I want to ask you questions but I would always take it back and said that I will tell you when it's the right time? You will always keep calm and say 'okay', but I am not. This is getting out of hand, especially when it was the thoughts that are haunting me that makes me not trust you. It was the thoughts make me overthink when you don't do the things that you usually do. I will immediately think that you're upset with me, and I'll be upset with myself, because the last thing that I ever wanted from us is losing each other. Maybe you're right, I was just overreacting. 

Hence, I'll ask these now.

One, is the person with you that first made me upset with you is her, the one that you once told me before? if so, then no wonder. our first love will always have a room for them to stay for the night whenever they come back knocking at the door. it is normal. but a follow-up question, may I? does she still occupy the room permanently? did you let her have the keys?

Two, what about the last one? did you leave any information behind when you first spilled it to me? next, repeat question one. 

Three, the answers lie on you, I don't know but, whatever will it be, then, where do I stand? In another room, in the living room, or in front of the front door where I keep ringing the doorbell and waiting at the doorsteps for someone to open it from the inside?

I am done here. I am relieved.

Don't be scared. I just wanted to know the truth. How sweet or bitter will it be, I would like to listen to them all attentively. Take your time until you're ready, I don't want to rush you. Besides, I'm not going anywhere, regardless of anything that you kept safe from me. I have promised you that, didn't I?

I enjoyed this ride with you, it makes me carefree and the dizziness of running in circles has never been so refreshing. But, I am afraid of expecting more from you. I am afraid if I am secretly hoping more than this abundant happiness that you have granted me. I love mysteries but I don't like being uncertain. Let me draw a line for myself as a limit warning, so that I never dream of crashing the barrier between us, although now it seems transparent. 

I know that it will make you feel uncomfortable. I know that you may think this girl is crazy or something, although I have to admit that I am. I just don't want these things to crush us down, in fact, even anything in the world to bring us down. 

Whatever that will happen after this, I don't want to lose a friend. I don't want to lose the privilege to listen to your infectious laugh that will immediately slow down my palpitating heart after each phone call. Most importantly, I don't want to lose one of my backbones that have been supporting me through thick and thin. I can't even afford to do so. 

I don't know where have you been. We had a glitch during our conversation on Monday and both of us have been acting weird. Your answer will always be same, "Tak ada apa-apa". You have always been the calmer one. Sometimes we do need this gap of silence, intended or unintended, to keep us back to our senses, don't you think? But you have always been the more rational one, guess that I was the only one who needed time for a rest. Both of us have agreed on the outcomes of distance, and on my behalf, it is true. It's just that, I never obeyed the two key points that you told me before. I am sorry.

You may read this, you may keep on scrolling, but I have conveyed all my questions to you. You may leave this blank, you may fill in the answers, it is up to you. 

Good night, and come back soon.