Tinggal

I waved back at my dad from the door as he reserved his car and leave my household. I thought that he would take me out for dinner, but he hastily started his engine and asked me to open the gate. As his car went out of sight, I pulled the door with one hand and locked it with a heavy feeling.

"Haih, kena tinggal lagi".

I used to climb back up to my room as soon as the lights at the living room were switched off, but I became comfortable with the dimness and sat at the edge of the stairs. The heavy feeling was unbearable and cannot be described. I couldn't cry, which means I wasn't actually sad. It was more of an empty and hollow feeling that I couldn't contain.

A lot of the people that I love had left me. The painful part of it is- they are alive and breathing, they can physically be right infront of me, or at any parts of the world, but they are no longer with me. Their connection with me are long gone.

The first, significant loss of mine is the first person that I mentioned at the beginning of my story- my dad. All my life, I personally felt that my mom was the only one contributed in my developments. He was present, alive and breathing, but he is no longer with us as a family. That was what I felt about it. That was why I tried to find the leading man trait and the father figure somewhere else- in my friend's fathers, their older brothers, and significant others. I never felt the sense of security, care and protection from a man, and a father should be his daughter's first love, but I guess that wasn't mine.

I am not making excuses for myself, but I think that is why I have a very different character with my significant other or my remaining loved ones. I may appeal as an independent woman when you start knowing me, but as we click and have a strong relationship with each other, I will switch my personality to be dependent and clingy. I am insecure as well. I have a tendency to question back my significant other everytime he says "I love you", and I can actually overthink when he doesn't say it throughout the day. I am so afraid if he suddenly find a reason to stop loving me and just leave like everybody else. I don't know if this is considered psychotic to some people, but I am telling you straight up that this is what you will deal with me, and on this blank space, I am the most honest.

This level of insecurity may be extreme that I, myself can't find ways to handle it, but I have read this one quote before on Instagram, saying that you will someday find a love that you don't even need to question about. Whenever I meet someone, I always pray that God will let me keep that person in my life. I really hope that day will come soon.