0026hrs, 25/11/18

There has been an empty void in my heart, and it means no good. I hate it when I feel empty. If I am sad, even for days, I am more comfortable knowing that I am living, breathing, and are able to feel emotions, but this? I am not sad nor happy, it is...empty and I don't know what to fill it with. It has gone to the extent where I am speechless when I meet God as I hold my hands to pray on the praying mat. I would usually have something to talk about, but I blankly looked down. I have many thoughts running through my head, but flashbacks suddenly are just....a replay of an incident, like a boring movie that you are uninterested of and you ended up sleeping at the cinema. If someone were to ever ask you about your review about it, you would just say, "oh, don't watch it". No emotions attached, no descriptions needed. Wait, every action needs an emotion, a trigger to respond. Oh, this is so much complicated and worse that I thought.

I have battling with the demons (read: memories and regrets) in my head for about three weeks now. I tried to rest the war by surrounding myself with friends and occupy myself with tasks and sometimes, unnecessary things just to kill time. I take long drives especially at night as I go home from campus, hoping to remove the thoughts away but somehow the demons march again into my head whenever I am alone and I always lose. I break down more frequent than I was before. I hate it, and I hate seeing the dissapointment in people's eyes when they see me break down. I know that they tried to help the best that they could, but I unintentionally pushed them away instead. Sometimes, I have a feeling that they are also tired seeing no progress in me. They aren't involved in the situation that I got myself into. I don't blame them, and they have all the rights to leave. I wish I could quit myself too. 

In Kal Ho Naa Ho, Aman always adviced Naina to do and say whatever that you feel you want and need to say, because there may be no tomorrow. I always wanted to grab my phone and give it my last shot, because at least, I did what I had to do, and I will have no regrets about it. However, there is one thing that has been stopping me from doing so. I always have second doubts of whether it will matter or not for the other person if I were to say it. I am not egoistic, it is just that I had past experiences of telling people what I wanted to say to them and still, they succumb to their ego and build a higher wall instead. I still lose. I don't want to lose again, hence I don't want to try. They say, "you won't know unless you try", but I can no longer risk another heartbreak. I don't want to go through another sadness cycle. I am exhausted. Tell me, what should I do?

Being the Most Loving, maybe God thought, "enough is enough", and decided to take away all the pain. Maybe He wanted me to rest for awhile from searching anything else to fill it with. "Enough is enough", maybe He thought that way, and just wanted me to be comfortable and get to know myself again. Alhamdulillah, Your blessings are uncountable, my Lord, and definitely, with hardship comes ease. 

Xx,

M.