Monday, 3 July 2017

The Heartbreak

I don't know which is worse.

He posted a Boomerang with a girl.
or
They were an item, as suspected by Nad.
or
I felt frustrated.
or
There's no solid reason for me to be that way.

I thought I was so used with being hurt until this. This foreign heartbreak was so unusual. It felt like your veins were cut off and your heart was slashed with a samurai sword. It was so painful that I couldn't even scream to call for help and all I could do was to silently cry.

It was my fault. It was the consequences that I had to take when I first chose to know him. I've had all the warnings alarming me in my head, yet I decided to go for the chase and search for him. I knew that sooner or later, this emotional wreck will hit me. Sometimes, I wish I could turn back time and prevent myself from learning him too much, conceeding to the fact that I will get attached. I don't ever want to develop this feeling that will kill each soul that keeps it, especially on him. Jealousy.

                                   " Love is sefless, Leen", Ell told me this many times. " You should be happy when he is". But, where where can I even insert the big 'L' word in this sentence when he never promised me anything? We are happy staying us, in this way that we can't describe, so why does these jingle of emotions of mine has to ruin it all? I am totally confused.

I remembered that morning when I came downstairs and found Ma lazily sitting on the couch at the living room. I sat beside her, and rested my head on her arm. She was a genie in a bottle, she could read everything that is clogging up in my mind.

                                 "Still can't forget about yesterday?", Ma asked.

                              I nodded and immediately buried my head in her chest.

              "Sayang, here's the thing. You can lose a lover, but you won't afford to lose a friend. Don't dive deeper. Just let time decide."
"
 I know it is hard. I know you will have to swallow all the ugly truth by yourself, but at least, at the end of the day, you still have him, and he still has you. One day, both of you will know where to go from here.Trust me".

I waited for him, just to see if I mean something in his life. He texted that afternoon, and I continued talking with him as usual, and I don't know if God was on my side that day that there were 2 SRK movies showing on TV. One at 2, and one at 9.

I was enjoying the night movie round, it was K3G. I was giving my 100% focusing on my on-screen boyfriend and my phone was on silent mode, just to distract myself from having those unanswered questions on my mind again and again. When the movie had a commercial break, I took my phone and saw a notification.

                        " I see that you are having too much fun with your movie. Just let me know if you want to sleep, okay?"

Such a sweetheart. Although the movie ended at 1am, I used the opportunity to write an article in order to stay longer. He was also completing his calculations, so we accompanied each other. I was done with my work and he wasn't, so I chose to return the favor.

                       " But it was 2.45 am. , way past your bedtime. Aren't you sleepy?", Yes, he still remembered that I am usually knocked out by 2.

                            "No", I said, still keeping it natural. "Besides, I feel that we haven't talked much for the past two days". Two days makes a difference when you communicate with someone everyday without fail.

                       " I rasa macam you marah I je", he startled me that instant. Was it too obvious? I did tweet a frowning emoji, but that was it. How could he, as a guy, can be so alert with his surroundings?

                        "Tak adalah"

                    "U sure?"

That time, I was searching for any of my friends who were online at 3 am in the morning and had some feedbacks coming in when I told them what was roughly happening, but not with who. How am I supposed to say at his face that I was horribly jealous when I don't have the right to? He will think that I am out of my mind and maybe distant himself from me. All I could say was,

                             "You"

                             "Yes?"

                      "Whatever happens kan, you'll always have me tau". He had me guaranteed. I never know what will happen in the future, but whatever may come, come. I'll always have his back no matter what.

                   "Sometimes, I rasa I ni jahat. I made you feel sad lately".

Oh gosh. I started weeping.

He was the most amazing person that I ever met. Someone that remembers everything that I say, someone that I know I can reach to when I am in need. Someone that is always on the opposite side, that has contradicting opinions with me. I understand the world in a different pair of eyes when I'm with him, and I find peace too in it. He makes me improve as a person, and he makes me more than happy all the time. How can I ever give this up only due to an ounce of all of this jeopardy due to this jealousy? He was never bad to me. It was time, it was the situation, it was our pasts haunting us again. Nevertheless, despite all these, our moments have been more than perfect. I swear to myself that I don't want to ruin the picture any longer.

We reconciled. I don't know about him, but I was touched by his words. How foolish of me to think so badly of him, when he is just a sweetheart.

Two days at school had given me the space to think. Yes, I do feel sad, yes, I am still heartbroken, but now I understand what he said to me earlier,

                        " That's why we need to trust each other and never talk lies"

I should try to trust him. No, I must trust him. This is what he meant all along. Everyday, I pray that he will achieve his dreams and find his happiness

-and I hope that I have given him happiness, even a little.

P/S: If you're reading this, I'm sorry, and I miss you. :')
                   
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