Sunday, 9 July 2017


This week had been a turbulence for everyone around me. Wa was still trying very hard to back up and move on from her dad’s loss when she had to face the pain of losing her best friend that is also close to me. I also heard of Ell’s Opah Cheetah’s passing last few days, and she never shed a tear infront of us, although only God knows where and when she breaks down by herself. Ell is just being Ell, she never shows her feelings and make people worry. I am surrounded by very strong people and they are my inspiration for me to keep holding on to the obstacles in my universe that is not even half as hard as theirs.

Living my first week of school after the break and knowing there’s 6 more weeks to go before another makes my body jerk to adapt to the surroundings. It is different now. Every landmark that I pass to when I walk around has its own significant memory. There’s always a thing that he wants to do and the things that he say that will echo in my mind. Wait- enough with the ‘he’ game. Adding more Vivy Yusof’s influence to this blog, I shall call him James, as how Vivy addresses Fadza as Dean. The name ‘James’ itself sounds charming to me, and he has the daydream look in his eyes like James Dean’s from his photos (Oh wait, maybe that’s why Vivy calls Fadza Dean! Or maybe she just westernizes Deen Nasi Kandar, as she loves to go to mamaks) and a noble heart like Sir James Young, a fictional character of a doctor that has helped Singaporeans during the Japanese Occupation, as told in the Crazy Rich Asians trilogy. Finally, I can crown someone with that name, although to only add more mystery in the air, and himself. At least one fine day, when I have lost my memory, gone senile or something, I can still read here, or someone can help read this to me, and remember that there is someone that I cherish in my life and I called him by my favourite name.
 “ How is James? Is he alright?” 

That has become Ma’s routine questions everytime she picks up my call or visit me in school. Of course, Ma calls him by his real name, and she doesn’t know whatever that happens here. She has been asking about his wellbeing, and all I can answer is,
“ He’s fine, Ma. He must be studying hard right now.”

Ma has always favoures his ‘sons’ ( I have more guy bestfriends at primary school until I enter an all-girls high school). Ekmal, for instance, and my cousin Am, are her favourites. She even trusts me to go out with them even to the end of the world than my girl friends. I am careless, she said, and need an eye to keep out on me. Alhamdulillah, I have such responsible friends that will always keep me at the safe scene and watches out on me. If not, I may have missed a movie, or a train, or a bus, get scammed or kidnapped. I never bother to hide anything from her, because in a blink of an eye, she knows everything by herself.

-          I am glad that she favours James, too.

At times I feel very sad because I don’t know actually what’s going on with him. I don’t know if my definition of ‘fine’ suits his situation at the moment. Why do we have to be so close yet so far? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s just my feelings. But, it’s something that I cannot undo because he has been a part of my life.
 I tried my luck to call James last night. Once at 1 am, once at 2 am, the times that he may still not be asleep.
                         “ Oh sorry, the number you have dialled is unreachable”

Gosh. He didn’t bring his phone along. Such a bummer.

The second week of school is going to start tomorrow, and I should be adjusted back to the routine by then. Please. You must be, Maleen. James is probably studying hard and not thinking about anything else while I’m overthinking here. I guess I’ll just have to go back to my books, and keep him at the back of my mind.
You’ll always be in my thoughts, James.
#1 down, #6 to go.
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