Friday 15 December 2017

-

" What are you waiting for, Leen? Tell me", Elle sat up from her lying down position on my bed.

" I am waiting for him to heal. I want to help him out during the process"

"Then what's next, Leen?"

I kept quiet.

Elle sighed.

"Leen, you are waiting for him to heal in hopes that when he does, he will see you have been there all along. What if he sees someone else, Leen? What will you do after that?"

I kept silent.

"Forget him, Leen."

                                 *                                  *                                    *

Mama didn't like you, she said you are an irresponsible boy.
My friends loathed you, they said you are toxic to me as they see how many times I self-destruct, broke down and cry because of you.
Even the people that knew you, that were close to you, asked me to leave you as soon as possible. They said you are not worth my time.

Guess what I did.

I came to each and every one of them saying,
"He needs some time for himself"
"He is changing"
"Look, he becomes a better man for the both of us."
"He is treating me well"
"He is confused. I will stay and help him"
"He needs a support system. I will be there for him"
Those answer schemes never convinced them either, but for once, Mama did consider you. She believed that you changed as much as I do.

I don't understand you.
You tweeted your woes about the girls you once loved, and then you asked how I felt about it, and you knew that I was very uncomfortable and it made me upset, and then you posted another Tweet, and then you asked me about it over and over again.
Why would you bother to ask when my feelings don't matter and you did the same things again and again? Are you satisfied to be able to hurt me? Did you feel that you had that power?

"Maleen, that's mental abuse, this has to stop", Alya said one evening before class when I told her about it. Oh, of course, I stuffed her with those answer schemes and as usual, she didn't buy it.

Don't fucking dare to ask me why I don't just leave in the first place if you are too bad for me.
- because I fucking saw the good in you.

In my brain, these people didn't see and get to know this soft-spoken, tentative, observant, sometimes witty guy that remembers everything about me and the only thing that stops you from being that is because you are heartbroken. That is the only reason why I stayed because I thought that you can be so much more than this when you fully recover.

I guess I was wrong.

Elle was right. Once you got what you wanted, you will immediately leave me. When that time comes, I can't retrieve or ask anything because you didn't promise me anything. A smart move you got there.

You are selfish.
You are posting heartbreaking tweets online when at the same time I was on the other line, heartbroken when you didn't pick up my calls, making every effort to talk to you. Can't you see that the world doesn't only revolve around you? You're not the only who's going through a hard time. If you're heartbroken because of any girl that I don't know which one, then I was heartbroken because of you. Look around you, look. Look how many people that have made their effort for you but why are you chasing the ones that you will never have? You are a fast athlete but I guess you are too slow to realize that. 'Be nice to others'. I don't want to deter that kindness in you although it has long gone in me, in a split second I feel like that motto that you live with is just a mask and I have to rip it off from you. It is a lie, you don't live with it.

You left me hanging and clueless. I let you know about me too much until maybe at some point you used all of that information as a weapon to backlash me. Congratulations, you got me there. You left me with all the damage and the emptiness until, at one point, all I could do is cry because I don't know what else to do with all the memories coming back at me at once. If you think that this is just a tactic for me to make you feel guilty, oh yes, I am making you feel guilty and butthurt until you realize all of these shits that you have done. But, does a blind boy like you are good enough to see?

I am not asking for an apology from you. I have forgiven you, every day I tell myself to. Deep down, I want you to tell me that whatever I am thinking right now is wrong and you are becoming a better person like how I believed so. I want you to tell me that you have found a way to work things out. I want you to tell me that everything is alright and we'll always have each other no matter whatever happens. I want you to tell me to unlearn and undo everything and start all over again. I want you to tell me that you just went away for a while and you are now back for me. I want you to convince me that everyone is wrong and you are right here with me to stay.

Sigh, after leaving me breathless, I still choose to have these fantasies.

One fine day, if you ever stumble upon this post, I want you to reflect deeply and think. I hope that you'll become a better person in the future and achieve all your dreams despite everything that occurred. Thank you for all the knowledge that you have given me, the attention that you lent me, I owe you one. Whenever you are lost, as you said, turn to God, and if you need someone to talk to, as always, you know which number to dial and which inbox to text, I'll still pick up.

I'll open the door for you as wide,
and I'll close it shut when you leave.

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