Healing Process

I think everyone can judge from my tweets that some things happened to me for the past few weeks. I lost my newfound blessing and believe me, I went nuts. This is me, I don't know how to accept a loss. I don't know how to accept when someone leaves, be it for any reason. I don't know how to face life after the loss, it feels that the major part of your self is gone. It mashed up with your daily routine, and not doing any of it leaves a huge void in your heart and it feels that my ribs are gonna break and my lungs will collapse at any moment.

At the beginning, my friends played a huge role in being my backbones. Piya stayed at my home for a week plus, yes, it was planned way before everything happened since she wanted to meet her boyfriend, Aqil, but her company made it more bearable. She would always show up whenever I sat alone in the wooden chair at the kitchen and stared at the walls when the night befell us, checking up on me to see if I was okay. Piya would take a seat in front of me and listen to all my thoughts because there was no use of hiding it anyway, she knew what was I thinking of. She isn't much of a person that could give advice but she would give her commentaries on it. I hit up a lot of people, including Aqil, well, that's what you do when eventually your best friend's boyfriend becomes your friend as well to ask for opinions and their two cents. I didn't hit up Elle this time because all of the things that she warned and said to me before, was right. She is a realist, she saw it coming. I only called her to say that she was right. Elle being Elle, blur as always, " What did I say? I say a lot of things I don't know which one", "Ah, you figure it out yourself, lah".

I did try my way out to fix things, however, it didn't work out. It took me a lot of courage to swallow this painful fact.I cried during showers in the bathroom, I stayed up and waited for the line to bling, but to no avail. I tried my best to avoid the places that we once talked about, I even declined Ma's offer to go to the west coasts. She was startled because she knew how I loved everything about the west coasts, but I was terrified. I was traumatized to receive flashbacks. I was terrified to have every phone conversation echoing at the back of my head.

This went on until I stumbled upon an Instagram Stories post from Azeera Hakim, and she stated this:

"The only way for your heart to break is when you let someone inside of it. Because your heart is not capable of withstanding anything that's temporary. When Allah created your heart, He had made it only compatible with eternal beings. So the only way for your heart to find peace is to fill it with things that are eternal. In this temporary world filled with temporary things, I hope you'll find The Eternal that your heart is looking for"

-after I read the last word, my heart stopped palpitating and started to beat normally again. I found the reason why  I was so heartbroken, because this disguising 'blessing' is- as bitter as it sounds, temporary. I also found a video on Twitter regarding being grateful.

"Instead of focusing on what you don't have, start to concentrate on what you have"

I started to list out the things that I am grateful for in my life and wallahi, it's too much. I am blessed with cooperative parents although they were divorced, a sporting mother that I can share about anything in the world, a doting father that will go all ends for his only daughter, a teacher that treats me and loves me like his own and wanted nothing more than the best for me, supportive, funny, caring friends that will stretch as far as they can just to see me happy, the career that I have as a journalist and the people that trust me to write up on what they are doing and gives my readers a new purpose and prespective with every writing, the comfort that I have without having to struggle have food in my mouth, the education that I received, being born a Muslim and have a God that is Ar Rahman and Ar Rahim and listens to all my woes and sorrows in every duaa', and much more uncountable blessings in my life. Why should I waste my energy and tears on one that left when there is so much more that is here to stay?

Since then, I started to have a new spirit, a new energy to start back again. I did many things to channel positive vibes into my life, like converting back to contact lenses, buy new brushes and refine my make-up skills, put them on whenever I go out to boost confidence, wear nice clothes, sometimes even with heels, smile a lot and laugh a lot, make puns and joke around, take obviously failed supermodel-ish shots of myself, listen to love songs like Surat Cinta Untuk Starla and change it to Surat Cinta Untuk Maleen instead, haha, befriended new people from many circles like hitting them up randomly on their DMs and find a chance to know them better, eat good food and more.Ma even took me for a short trip to the Northern states. We do plan to go up there for her client's wedding, but I could sense that Ma knew my condition so she lengthens the trip to various stops and oh my, we finally went to the place that we wanted to go but never thought that we could make it like the Matang Mangrove Forest. Took nice shots there too!

I realized that after I did that, I attracted many positive things as well. I strengthen my relationship with Ma and helped around doing the house chores while she is at work, and said 'Thank you' whenever she leaves a dish on the table for me before she leaves. Hearing back a gratitude wish and a hug from her whenever she comes home with relief and a smile on her face is the best satisfaction ever. My relationship with Cikgu also became better. I follow him to work whenever he wants me to and even volunteered to be his plus one to boot camps. We talk a lot in the car, sang songs that I know, and I can assure you that he was being nice to me than ever, maybe he had the wake-up call that his princess is already grown up and will leave anytime, but hey, I won't. He recommended me to Ain Maisarah of Blink Book, hence their interest in recruiting me to become their writer. He openly shed a tear when he did that because he said that his job is done and I am now in good hands. Nah, he won't. He becomes my PA now, keeps reminding me to finish up my storyline all the time. Alhamdulillah, I feel that everything is in place now.

I am now currently on a vacation in Port Dickson, which is a beach, of course, and it brought me serene and peace, calmer than I can imagine. I was scared at first because I hold so many memories with the sea, but I braved it all and went running towards the waves. I could look at the blue sky as the blue sky and the clear water as the clear water without any 'he used to's. I also took many shots of the sea and put them up on both my home screen and lock screen, since he * I have to* used to take those shots for me. I feel content alongside my family and all these blessings around me, I have never felt this carefree.

It is not that I miss him sometimes. I do reminisce about the times when he used to be around. But, that is life taking its course. And my prayers have been answered. God must have His own reasons to do that is kept secret and beyond our thinking limits, but I believe that making me stronger is one. And, look at all the good things that come after that! I don't want to trade this happiness for anything in the world, ever.

For any of you that are having a hard time, look at all these blessings around you and be grateful for every single one of it and come up of things to enhance and improve your life qualities. Also, stay positive! Surely, good things will be attracted to you in no time, In Shaa Allah.

Have faith!

Xx,
M.